(The song above gives me shivers so I thought I might as well share it)

Wowee I've been looking back at old chapters and somehow I'm only now just realizing how cringe they are so I'd like to say I'm sorry for subjecting you guys to that shit.

Between the amazing hotel bed, being with Dan, and how exhausted I was, last night was the best sleep I've had in a long time. I wake up just as the sun peaks over the horizon, and I rub the sleep from my eyes as I smoothly slip out of bed. I grab something random from my luggage, and take a quick shower. I had hopped into bed last night without even taking my makeup off, and I feel a little grimy.

Once I'm done, I quickly get dressed, dry my hair, and do my makeup as quickly as possible before stepping out of the bathroom. As I walk out into the main room, Dan sits on the couch, already dressed in black skinny jeans and a crewneck sweater. As he sees me, he immediately stands up, catching me slightly off guard.

"Hey, what's up?" I ask, placing my hands on my hips.

"Lets go out for breakfast!" He says, way too aggressive for this early in the morning. I really want to stay in, but the look on his face makes it impossible to say no.

I roll my eyes, but give him a small smile. "Okay."

We walk out of the hotel and onto the street, already busy with pedestrians. However, since I've grown used to the busyness of the London streets, it doesn't bother me much.

Dan leads the way, although as he inspects nearly every food place we pass, I get the suspicious he's not entirely sure where he plans on taking us. However, I don't question it, and only continue to follow him down the street. Finally, we come to a small hole-in-the-wall diner. Dan opens the door for me, and a small bell dings above my head as I walk in. We sit at a small table in the middle of the restaurant, and a waiter comes up to us, placing a menu in front of each of us. We give him our drink orders, before looking down at our menus.

"So, today's the last day of filming, huh?" Dan asks, leaning his elbows on the table. I sigh heavily, and sit back in my chair.

"Yeah, I guess so," I reply. "As long as it's not anymore draining as the last two days, I think I'll be fine."

Dan lets out a laugh. "Yeah, as much as I love this experience, I don't think I'd be able to handle much more of this." He stirs the straw of the drink just placed in front of him, and I take a sip of mine.

After eating, we leave the diner, and get an Uber to Shane's house. The drive seems to get faster everyday, and in no time at all, we're pulling up the driveway. I'm a lot calmer than I had been the last two mornings, and let Dan lead the way to Shane's porch. He knocks lightly on the door, and muffled barking comes from the other side as footsteps come closer. The door swings open, showing Shane, Ryland, Garrett, and Andrew standing on the other side. As I step into the house, I see Morgan sitting at the table, chowing down on Taco Bell.

Honestly, an icon.

"Good morning!" Shane greets us, wrapping his arms around me, and then Dan. "And I just want to promise you, I don't plan on today being as intense as the last couple days."

I give him a grateful smile. "Thank you, I don't think I could handle any more of that."

"Oh, it's no problem," he says, but then adds in a fake whisper, "But if you have any tea to spill, please don't hold back."

I let out a laugh, before Shane leads me to the couch, and everyone sits down in the same arrangement as yesterday. This time, Dan immediately intertwines his fingers with mine. At first, I think it's meant to comfort me, but when I look into his eyes, I can tell he's already anxious. I give him a reassuring smile, before turning back to Shane. Andrew turns on his camera, and gives Shane the signal that he's filming.

The third day of filming was definitely a lot more calm than the last two days, which I could tell both Dan and I were thankful about. We spend most of the time joking around, binging on all the amazing American food I've missed out on, and Morgan and Garrett both obsessing over Dan and I's accent. I'm incredibly thankful that the series will end on a more positive note.

Time seems to fly, and before I know it, the sun's already dipping below the horizon, casting gold light to shine in through the windows. I check my phone, and read 6:15.

Dan and I say our goodbyes to everyone, and head out. Although we won't be seeing them again for another two days, at the end of the week, Shane wants us to come over to watch the series before he uploads them. The drive to the hotel only takes about half as long as I remembered. After getting out of the Uber, I'm about to walk into the building, when dan grabs my arm to stop me. I give him a questioning look, but he only chuckles.

"C'mon, it's not even seven o'clock, and we're in fucking Los Angeles. You really want to go back in there?"

Yes, I do, I'm about to answer, but I take in the hopeful smile on his face, and give a heavy sigh. "Ugh, fine."

We walk around Downtown LA, without a single idea of where we're headed. We stop in all the cute tourist shops, along with the more unique stores we'd have never seen. We buy all the fascinating American food we've never seen before, and eat ice cream rolls that had been prepared right in front of us. Dan forces me to buy an "I Heart LA" t-shirt, while I make him purchase a matching dad hat. Of course, Dan insists on visiting Little Tokyo, where I'm amazed by the bright colors and fascinating architecture. We both vlog a little bit of everything, but it has less to do with Youtube, and more to do with wanting to document this memory.

The sun disappears below the horizon in record time. However, the lights from the city work as an artificial sun, and it's almost as if there's no difference. Around eleven o'clock, Dan and I are both weighed down by shopping bags, our feet aching. We call a cab back to our hotel, and the entire ride there, I can't wipe the smile off my face.

Walking into the hotel room, I throw my bags onto the floor of the bedroom and flop onto the bed.

"Be careful with those, you'll break all the food before we even get home," Dan jokingly scolds me, and I roll my eyes.

"Oh please, I'm sure the pop tarts taste just as American when they're broken," I reply. Dan chuckles, before flopping next to me, his head only inches from mine. I turn on my side to face him, and gaze into his chocolate eyes. He gives me a small grin, dimples appearing on each of his cheeks. I can't help but return the smile. He brushes a lock of my hair from my face, delicately tucking it behind my ear, and my heart swells.

"I think I could stay here forever," I mumble, and his smile grows, somehow becoming even cuter than before.

"Yeah, me too," he replies, before kissing me delicately on my forehead, and sitting up, stretching. "However, as much as I want that, I think I really need a shower."

"Thank god," I reply jokingly, pushing myself up into a sitting position. "I was hoping you'd figure that out before I had to tell you."

He sticks his tongue out at me, causing me to laugh, before grabbing some clothes from his suitcase, and walking into the bathroom. As I hear the shower start, I realize this is the perfect time for me to change without having to worry about him seeing me.

I push things around through my disorganized suitcase, before pulling out a crewneck two sizes too big, along with a pair of athletic shorts. I take off my shirt, flinging it to the ground. I'm about to pull on the crewneck, when I notice my reflection in the full length mirror.

Body dysmorphia, eating disorders, and self harm trigger warning.

Disgusting.

Worthless.

Trash.

I mindlessly run my hand over my tummy, my eyes not leaving my grotesque reflection as my fingers trace each thick scar. I wrinkle my nose in disgust, hating everything I see in front of me.

Anger and disgust bubble in my stomach, and I want nothing to do but the throw my fist into the mirror, but I can't get myself to look away from the monster standing in front of me. All my flaws stick out more than usual, and I can't find a single square inch of skin that isn't scarred.

I pinch every bit of fat I can, whether it be my waist, my stomach, my thighs, leaving red marks in the place of my nails. I just want the power to rip it all off. Why am I this disgusting, hideous, thing?

Suddenly, the bathroom door opens, and I instinctively panic, grabbing the crewneck from the edge of the bed and covering as much of myself as I can. Heat rushes to my cheeks as Dan stands across the room from me, narrowing his eyes in confusion.

"Relax, I just forgot some underwear." He takes a step closer to me, and my feet take a step back, without my mind even registering that I did it, until it's too late.

"What are you trying to hide from me?" He asks in a tone so cold, I can't read the emotion coming from it. Pressure builds behind my eyes, and I don't know if it's the stress of the last few weeks, or it's just because of the guilt that's been building up for who knows how long, but I finally feel like breaking.

"I...I just..." I stutter, wracking my brain for an excuse, but I already know it's too late. I must look like a deer caught in headlights, my eyes wide and my cheeks red. Tears spring from my eyes, and I don't even try to stop them. "I don't...I just don't know how you could love this," I make a general motion, accidentally exposing the scars and red marks scattered across my stomach.

Dan's face contorts into some emotion between hurt, and pity, and for some reason, I'm instantly angry. However, before I can say anything, he beats me to it.

"What makes you think there's anything that could keep me from loving you?" The question comes out more like a growl than a human voice, but I can hear the pain that comes behind it. I only start to cry harder.

"Oh, come off it!" I shout. "I have all these scars, and I'm fat, and ugly, and I look more like a creature than an actual human! I'm unlovable, and...and I'm just so confused!"

His eyes soften just a bit, and he takes a step closer to me. This time, he's more cautious, and I resist to urge to step away from him, letting him stand only about a foot away from me.

"God, (y/n), I have so much love for you, and I don't know what I need to do to get that through your head."

Silent tears slip down my cheeks, and I hastily wipe them away. A sob forces itself out of my throat, and more bulbous tears run down my cheeks. Instead of trying to suppress my crying, I let it happen. I let my sweater fall to the ground, and let Dan wrap his arms around me. I let him rub my back in slow, calm circles while I bury my face in his chest, and I let him place his chin on my head. I let us stand there, like that, for a very long time.

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Hello, I'm going back to school for the first time in two weeks tomorrow and I'm definitely not excited about it. Also, basically my entire room and bathroom is coated in hair dye. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'll see you later 💜