We go to bed pretty early the night before, but still manage to sleep in until ten the next morning. We're supposed to meet Shane at his house at noon,  so we have around an hour and a half to get ready. I dress in a black mock neck sweater, blue jeans, and a belt. I pull my hair into a high ponytail, and do light makeup. Even with the sun out, Los Angeles temperature is pretty similar to London right now, when it comes to temperature. I pull an oversized jacket over my sweater, and turn to Dan.

He's dressed in his black sweater with white checkered lines over it, along with black skinny jeans. He also has a large black jacket draped over his shoulders, and his curls styled as best as he can.

"I'm hungry," I declare, placing my hands on my hips, and Dan laughs.

"Well, there's a bakery downstairs if you want to check that out."

I smile. "Sounds like a plan."

We walk downstairs, and sure enough, there's an off brand Starbucks sort of place in the lobby. I order a smoothie and muffin, while Dan gets a coffee and doughnut. We sit in the lobby of the hotel, eating our breakfast and scrolling through our phones.

We finish our food, and 11:30 comes around, so we decide to leave. Taxis sit outside the lobby, and we get in the first one. Dan reads Shane's address off his phone, and the driver takes off.

My hands begin to shake, and I only now start to get anxious with the fact that I'm meeting Shane fucking Dawson, and all his friends. I try to focus on the scenery passing us by as we drive through LA traffic. However, it doesn't work, and my mind starts buzzing with anxious thoughts.

Too soon, we show up at Shane's house. Dan pus the driver and gets out of the car, but I can't get myself to move. He opens my door for me, and holds out his arm. After undoing my seatbelt, I grab my bag, and grab Dan's hand, squeezing it as we walk up to Shane's house. It's as if I'm floating, rather than walking, and I try to focus on my surroundings as a way to ground myself. Finally, we reach the door, and Dan knocks three times.

Three seconds later, the door swings open, and an energetic Shane stands on the other side, along with Andrew and his camera.

"Hi!" Shane wraps his arms around me, and I immediately hug him back.

"Hey!" I reply, and he lets me into the house, hugging Dan as well. Ryland, Garrett, and Morgan all sit in the living room, a large smile on all three of their faces.

"Hey!" I greet them, already overexcited, and hug all three of them. "It's so good to meet you."

"Oh, my god, your accent is everything," Morgan replies, and I can't help but laugh.

"Thanks, I guess."

"So, have you guys had a chance to look around LA yet?" Shane asks, and Dan and I shake our heads.

"No, not really," I reply. "I mean, we went to Cheesecake Factory, but that's it."

"Well, we're going have to do something about that," Shane says. I look at Dan, who has a large smile on his face.

Shane takes us all around Los Angeles, driving in his G-wagon to Starbucks, then striding down the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and of course, spending hours in Target. We originally had just stopped for a few snacks, but after Dan and I admitted to never seeing a Target before, Shane insists on giving us the full experience.

"This is where I shop," Ryland tells Dan and I, motioning to the Boys section.

"And this...this is where I shop," Shane sighs with a self-deprecating grin, motioning to the plus-size section.

"Same," Morgan adds, grabbing a 3XL men's shirt and holding it up to her, posing in front of Andrew.

We're walking through the drink section, and as Shane throws a box of Diet Root Beer into the cart, a loud shout comes from behind us.

"Shane!" All seven of us turn around, and see a group of teen girls walking toward me. However, when they notice Dan and I, their expressions turn from joy into pure shock. I instinctively look at Dan, and by his eyes, I can tell he's just as clueless as what to do as I am.

However, Shane seems to know exactly what to do.

"Hey!" He walks toward them, his arms wide, and embraces all three of them in a large group huge. They burst into giggles after letting go, and take a picture with Shane. They haven't acknowledged any of our existences yet, and I'm starting to think I'm in the clear, when they turn to Dan and I.

"Um, what are you guys doing in LA?" They ask, and I feel the color draining out of my face. Dan and I both become a stuttering mess, not knowing how to get out of this situation. Luckily, Shane comes to our rescue.

"They just decided to stop in LA for a little break, and we were giving them the grand tour!" Shane tells them, lying so smoothly he could have even even convinced me.

"Then why are you filming?" One of them immediately asks, motioning to the camera in Andrew's hand. However, Andrew's able to come up with an excuse in less than a second.

"I mean, they're YouTubers, that's what they do," he laughs. "You'd be surprised if you saw all the random footage we've had to scrap over time."

I hold my breath, waiting for the girls reactions, and luckily, they seem convinced. "Okay, then. Well, um, it was nice meeting all of you!" They wave goodbye to us, before hurrying off in the direction I came. I take a deep breath, realizing I hadn't been breathing throughout that entire interaction.

"Bloody hell, that was about to be a damn mess," Dan sighs, wrapping his arm around my waist and leaning against me. I rub his back, leaning my ear against his side.

"Awww, why can't I have that?" Morgan motions toward Dan and I with mock frustration, and we all break into laughter.

~~~~

"So, (y/n), how do you feel about the America so far?" Garrett asks me. We sit on the patio of some obscure bbq restaurant, waiting for our food to arrive.

I shrug my shoulders. "There's not as many bald eagles and people driving tractors as I would've liked, but it's still decent."

Morgan lets out a loud laugh. "If that's what you were looking for, Los Angeles definitely isn't the right place to be."

I only shrug my shoulders. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense." I take a heaping chunk of the cheese fries we've been sharing as an appetizer, and take a large bite. As I moan in pleasure, everyone laughs. "Oh, bloody hell. Just the food in Los Angeles is enough to make me stay."

"You can stay as long as you want," Garrett replies. "I could listen to your guys' voices for days on end. I wish I sounded that smart."

I laugh. "It's only people who don't live in the United Kingdom who think our accents sound smart."

Usually when I'm in a conversation with this many people, it's not hard for me to be left out. I'm not the sort of person to push myself in a conversation, so I'm usually able to fade into the background, everyone basically forgetting I'm there. However, even with five other people, Dan and I are easily included. I don't feel like the odd one out, and maybe it's because I'm the guest, but it definitely feels good to actually feel like my presence is wanted.

After eating, we go back to Shane's house. Shane, Andrew and I sit in his living room, while everyone else hangs out somewhere else so Shane can interview me in relatively private. We sit down, and I tap my legs anxiously, not completely sure what to expect.

"Okay, so, we basically all know the basics of your story," Shane starts. "Can you...can you explain sort of, when you started YouTube, and why?"

I sigh, rubbing my palms on my legs and balling my sleeves into my fists. "I guess I'd have to give credit to my friend Kenny," I admit. "At first, I believed YouTube was already too developed, and viewers had such high expectations, that any content I came out with wouldn't be up to par. However, he convinced me that it was worth a try. And so, I tried. I used YouTube as a sort of therapy, or a diary. I wanted to help other people, either by sharing tips, or just showing them they weren't alone. And with that, I was helping myself."

Shane nods his head in understanding, a small smile playing on his lips, and lets me continue. "At first, I only started my channel as a way to vent, and never actually thought I'd really go through with it. However, I enjoyed it, and as I saw my channel growing, I continued. And when I received my first check, that's when I really realized that this...thing, this thing that has helped me so much, could actually be the way I make my living."

"Yeah, I get that," Shane replies, nodding his head. "Is YouTube what influenced you into moving to London?"

I nod my head. "Yeah, that, and I just needed a change of environment. I, along with anyone who's lived the type of life I lived, knows that there's never really that big a chance that we'll be allowed to live a real life. So when I realized I really had the chance to escape, I knew I had to take it." I hesitate, before adding, "It wasn't an easy decision to leave all my friends behind, all the people I had grown up with, all the people who have helped me through the roughest parts of my life. But, in the end, I knew there was no way I could stay in that town any longer. I would be miserable, and I needed to take the chance while I still had it."

Shane continues to nod his head, the room going silent as he takes in what I've just said. "So, what was your childhood like?" He asks. "Can you give me a timeline, from the first thing you remember, until you started YouTube?"

I nod my head. "I don't really remember much from my childhood, especially since I've lost a large majority of my memories from all the drugs I've done. I never met my dad, and I never want to, not that I really have any choice." I give a hollow laugh. "My mom was gone working most of the time, and I don't have any siblings, so I basically raised myself. When I woke up in the morning, my mom would be asleep, and when I came home, she'd be gone, not getting home until well after I went to bed.

"My mom wasn't exactly the best influence. She was a heavy drinker, and not exactly against drug use, either. When I started self medicating, she wasn't really mad, seeing as she couldn't afford actual treatment to help me with my problems."

"When did you start developing mental illness?" Shane asks. "What's your story with that?"

I sigh, my eyebrows creasing together as I try to think back. "I think most of my current diagnoses came when I was around thirteen or fourteen. I was depressed, suicidal, and had the worst possible relationship with my body and food. Because of that, I turned to drugs and alcohol, also using sex and attention to validate myself. Even though I was coping, it was in the most unhealthy ways possible."

There's a moment of silence, until finally, Shane asks the question I've been expecting this entire time. "So, how did you and Dan meet? How big of an impact has he made on you since you've moved to London?"

I let out a noise between a laugh and whistle that answers his question pretty clearly. "If it wasn't for Dan, I don't know if I would even still be in London. Hell, I don't know if I would still be a YouTuber," I admit. "He's brought so much goodness in my life. Yeah, there's been so, so much chaos, but that just comes with people with me. If it wasn't for him, I don't think I would be here.

"We met the first night I was in London, probably around two in the morning. I had just moved in, and was trying to sleep, when I heard obnoxious yelling coming from the flat across from me. I knocked on the door, and there they were, in the middle of an extremely competitive game of Mario Kart. They invited me in for tea, then my own personal tour of London, and the rest is history."

Shane smiles heartily. "That's so cute," he gushes, and I giggle. "Did you...did you think you would ever end up with Dan? How exactly did that happen?"

Oh shit.

I bite my lip, unable to think of the best way to explain this, and laugh nervously. "Um, I don't think I've ever told this to anyone. It's kind of a long story."

Shane gives me a reassuring smile. "Don't feel any of pressure, but we have plenty of time."

I sigh heavily, trying to organize my thoughts. "I think I need Dan to help me tell this part of the story," I breathe, and Shane nods.

"You can go get him, if you need to."

"Okay," I whisper under my breath, standing up and walking toward the room I knew he was in. Muffled laughter comes from the other side of the door, and an eerie feeling rushes over me. I knock on the door, before opening it.

"Hey, (y/n), what's up?" Garrett greets me cheerfully, but Dan must be able to read my expression as he stands up, a look of concern crossing his face.

"Um, Shane wants me to tell the story of how we ended up together," I whisper, even though I know everyone's eyes are focused on me. "And I think we should talk about...you know."

"Are you sure?" Dan asks. "I mean, I'm fine talking about it, but are you okay exposing him? Even if you don't say his name, people will know."

I press my lips together, but nod my head. "He's in jail, and he's lost all my respect. I'm okay with talking about it, but I need you there with me."

Dan nods, not even taking a second to think about it. "Okay."

I return to the lounge, Dan following behind me, and the two of us sit in the couch. Our shoulders push against each other, and grabs my hand, entwining my fingers with his. The fact that he's here next to me already makes me feel a thousand times better.

Somehow, I'm able to keep it together as I get into PJ and I dating, the hate I had gotten for being with PJ and not Dan, eventually to the point that Dan and I finally got together. With Dan permission, I explain his drinking, along with hookups, and how much it effected me. I get to the part where we both finally expose how we feel, and the fight that happened once I broke up with PJ.

Finally, when I get to the part of PJ kidnapping me, I begin to break down. As I explain PJ holding a blade to my throat, Dan and I both being completely helpless, and PJ bringing me to his apartment, tears sting my eyes. I mumble explain PJ modeling a room in his apartment after my own, along with him forcing me to sleep with him, and how I eventually was able to get ahold of Dan on PJ's phone.

Finally, when I get the the part of Dan, Dodie, and Phil finding me, I've completely blocked that part out of my memory, and Dan has to explain it for me.

However, as he explains it, tears start running down his cheeks, and my heart breaks into a million pieces. As Dan goes into detail, I can tell this is something he's been holding it in forever. He explains how PJ had stabbed me in the arm, before jumping out the window. How I collapsed to the ground, and for a bit of time, he thought I was gone. How when he wrapped the wound on my arm, and had to listen to me screaming out in pain, and he had to relive that memory over and over again every time he closed his eyes for months.

My heart breaks into a million pieces. I've never taken the chance to even consider how all this had effected Dan, and I think a large part of that and been because of his ability to hide it so well. And he was always so focused on making sure I was okay, I'm sure he had forgotten to check how he was doing as well. I've never seen Dan rant like this, I've never seen this part of him, and it hurts. My heart has been encased by hot lead, weighing down my entire body.

Shane gives all the right reactions, and by the look in his eyes, I can tell he's not faking it for the video. What Dan's saying is really getting to him, as well.

As silent teas run down his cheeks, and his voice shakes just the tiniest bit, my chest shakes painfully. My own eyes start to water, and I grip his hand, squeezing it gently as pain fills my chest. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, Dan is done with the story.

Shane's eyes are red, and I can immediately tell he's just about to cry. "If...If PJ ran away, how did they end up finding him?" He asks.

"I don't know how they caught him, but when we went to trial, he admitted to everything," I answer, and Shane's eyebrows knit together in confusion.

"If he was planning on admitting to everything, why'd he have you go through the hassle of making a case about it?"

I open my mouth to answer, only to realize I don't really know. As I think about it, Dan seems to come up with something, and answers for me.

"I think he just needed to see his power over her one more time," Dan answers monotonously, and the second the words are out of his mouth, I know he's right.

———————————————————————

I'm going to start a podcast once I'm an adult and no one can stop me. That could also be a super good thing because the only thing stopping me from doing YT is I hate the way I look, and podcasts are basically YouTube without the camera so really I'm a genius. I hope you're enjoying this story, and I'll see y'all later. 💜