A/n: some of the thoughts (y/n) has in this chapter are not healthy. If you feel like something is wrong, or think you need help, please tell someone. No problem is too small.

Dan's POV

I don't think that could've gone any better. My heart skips a beat every time (y/n) looks at me, or I look at her, or even just as our hands brush together as we walk down the street. I'm like a teenager all over again with my first girlfriend, except ten times better.

Your POV

This is the best day I've had in such a long time.

As we walk down the street, I hold Dan's hand, swinging it back and forth as our shoulders bump into each other as we walk down the street.

"So, where is it you want to go?" Dodie asks beside me, and I shrug my shoulders.

"I dunno, but I'm really fucking hungry, and need something to cleanse my pallet from hospital food," I reply, and she laughs.

"Well, I think I know just the thing for that."

Dodie leads us to a rather large restaurant, and I realize it's a buffet. Dan and I both exchange looks, and I realize we both have issues with buffets. Both because we're incredibly anxious people, and me because I have literally the worst relationship with food. I take a deep breath, before following Dodie.

She pays for the four of us, and her and Phil go crazy, while Dan and I stand back, exchanging a look.

"Buffets give me such bad anxiety," he admits. "I feel rushed, so I just pick up anything that sounds relatively good, and end up with a collage of food that definitely does not go together."

I laugh. "Yeah, I know what you mean," I reply. We both sigh, before grabbing plates, and going through the food.

The buffet has an assortment of literally almost every food you can think of. Italian, Chinese, Mexican, American. As I reach for silverware, I realize how much my hands are trembling. Dan must notice too, as he rubs my back reassuringly, and I give him a gracious smile. I look back down at the food, take a deep breath, and dive in.

The good part about this almost endless buffet is it comes with all my favorite food, but a lot of them happen to be my fear foods. As much as I want to get over this part of my life, I know there are some things that if I do eat, I'll completely tear myself apart for the rest of the day. I only stick to healthier options, or at least, as healthy as you can get at a buffet. Finally, when Dan and I are both finished with our plates, we walk to where Dodie and Phil sit.

Plopping down in the chair, I look down at the food sitting in front of me, and take a bite of the first thing on my plate.

"So, is there anything else you want to do today?" Dodie asks when I'm about halfway through my food, and already starting to feel full.

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. Honestly, I'm kind of tired, and starting to feel like I'm going to go into a food coma."

Dodie laughs. "Okay, we can go home after this. Considering you've been in bed for weeks now, you've probably had an exhausting day."

The feeling of food sitting in my stomach makes me miserable, but I use every bone in my body to ignore it. Dodie takes some gummy bears, wrapping them in a towel and shoving them in her pocket before we leave, taking them out and munching on them as we walk down the street. Fatigue washes over me, and the only thing I want to do now is crawl into bed. Finally, we come back to the apartment, and I'm about five seconds away from asking Dan to carry me up the stairs, but I push myself through, until we finally reach our place. Walking in, I immediately head to our room, flopping onto the bed, and falling asleep only seconds later.

Dan's POV

(Y/n) walks straight to the bedroom, and as I follow her, she basically falls onto the end, snuggling her head into the pillow. I chuckle, before walking up to the bed and pulling the duvet over her. It's only five o'clock, but she must be exhausted, and I can't blame her.

Your POV

I wake up sometime later, but by the darkness of the room, I can tell it must be night time. I check my phone, which sits on the nightstand. 10:12. Well, if my sleep schedule was messed up a bit before, now it's completely evaporated.

I crawl out of bed, and walk into the lounge, where everyone else is sitting. Dan smiles at me, and I plop down next to him, dropping my head onto his shoulder.

"Jeez, you really were exhausted," he laughs. "You were out the second your head hit the pillow."

"Yeah, and now my entire sleep schedule's gonna be fucked up for the rest of my life," I reply, groaning, and he wraps his arm around me, rubbing my shoulder.

"Don't worry, all of our sleep schedule's have always been fucked up, so you have nothing to worry about."

I roll my eyes, but snuggle my head into Dan's shoulder, and watch the movie playing on the television.

~~~~

The next day, I decide I really need to upload a video to my channel. It's been dead forever, and now's as good a time as any.

"Hey, guys, so, um, I know I haven't been here awhile," I start the video awkwardly, sitting on the edge of Dan's bed with my legs crossed under me. "As you can tell, I'm back in the...old apartment, I guess."

I take a deep breath. "Things are kind of a mess right now, and if I could give you a straight explanation of everything, I would. However, that's not entirely possible at the moment." I give a nervous laugh. "Even I don't really know what's going on, anymore. However, I've gotten the help I need, and I'm still continuing to get help, and hopefully, things will start to get better. They probably won't ever be back to the way they were before, but they'll be better than they have been."

I continue ranting to the camera about essentially nothing, and I'm aware this video's going to be a complete mess, but I also know this is the best I'm going to be able to do.

About half an hour into editing at Dan's desk, he walks up behind me, placing his chin on my shoulder. I flinch slightly at his touch, and hope to god he doesn't notice, but of course, he does.

Dan quickly backs up from me, and I sigh, not even taking my eyes off the screen.

"I...I'm sorry," he quickly stutters.

"There's nothing you need to be sorry for," I answer monotonously. Does this have to be so awkward?

As the silence continues, I know there's more he wants to say, so I turn toward him. "What is it?" I ask, trying my best to sound sincere rather than hostile.

Dan scratches the back of his neck, a habit I've realized he has when he's trying to think of the right way to say something. "I think we...I think we need to talk about everything that happened," he blurts out. "I mean, I don't know what's going to trigger you, I don't know..." he drifts off, obviously not knowing what to say, and I sigh heavily, turning to face him.

"What exactly do you want to talk about?" I ask, trying my best to hide the annoyance in my voice. I'm not annoyed at him, just at this topic.

He looks at a spot to the right of me, unable to maintain eye contact. "Um, I just...I just want you to know, along with where we stand."

I raise my eyebrows. "I thought we made that pretty clear yesterday in the lounge," I reply, cocking an eyebrow and watching his face go red.

"Well, yeah, but, I mean, obviously I feel like it's not as if everything can just go back to normal," he answers. "I, um, I also want to know what was happening with...with James."

I'm slightly taken aback, although I shouldn't be surprised he asked about that. I decide to answer as robotically as possible. "James basically forced me to be with him. I was much too vulnerable and depressed to do anything about it, especially since if I told him I didn't want to be with him, that would be putting myself in danger. However, apparently, I was misbehaving a touch too much for him, and he decided he had to put me back in place."

I decide not to tell him about the fact that James forced me to have sex with him. It's something I know I can get over, and Dan will probably take it a lot harder than me, anyway.

"...Okay," Dan replies, obviously not sure about what else to say.

"Food triggers me. People touching me can trigger me when I'm more on the anxious side, but although I might flinch sometimes, that doesn't mean you need to stop doing it." I have to resist the urge to wink at him, as this is supposed to be a serious conversation. "I did smoke weed a lot when I was there, although I'm sure you already guessed that. I'm going to see a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a nutritionist. That's basically all I can think of right now."

He nods his head. "Okay. Um, I'll leave you to edit, but the three of us are hanging out in the lounge, if you wanna join us."

I give him a small smile. "I'll be out there in a little bit," I reply, and he pecks me quickly on the forehead before leaving the room.

I turn back to my laptop, and drop my face in my hands.

God, why can't things just be normal?

~~~~

"So, how would you describe your relationship with food?"

I can't help but snort. "Um, well, if it was any good, I don't think I would be here right now," I reply, placing my chin in my hand and letting my eyes lazily zone out.

It had been a week since I filmed my first YouTube video in over a month, and I had only now just gotten around to seeing a nutritionist. I'm not going to lie, if it hadn't been for Dan's insistence, I probably wouldn't have shown up at all. I've been to a nutritionist half a dozen times before, and it was always the same thing. They gave me a goal weight that I would never reach, along with a meal plan I never followed. I would show up to one or two appointments, before realizing it was a complete waste of time and money.

However, this time it was going to be different. I had people that not only wanted me to get better, but were going to make sure they did everything in my power to do so.

From my own point of view, I don't know if that was a good or bad thing.

"We're starting you off on two thousand, five hundred calories a day, along with a meal plan I want you to stick with. I'd like if you kept exercise to a minimum, at least for now."

"Is that it?" I ask. "Don't you have to do some sort of tests, or something?"

"Well, based on your BMI, we can calculate not only how much weight you need to gain, but also the least amount of calories you need to gain that weight. Of course we want you to gain weight as fast as possible, but we know that the more calories we tell a patient to eat, the less likely they are to go through with it."

"...okay," I mumble, slightly confused, but deciding not to question it. They could tell me to eat four thousand calories a day, and I'd do it, as long as it meant I could get through this as fast as possible.

The nutritionist hands me the meal plan she's just printed out. "So, I'd like you to follow this meal plan as close to a T as possible, and we'll have a follow up appointment in about a month."

I leave the building, half tempted to crumple up the meal plan and throw it into the first trash can I see. However, I'm able to resist, and head on the way home.

~~~~

During dinner, as the four of us sit in the lounge, watching a movie, I can't help but pick at my Chinese takeout. I had already eaten so much today, and even though it wasn't as if I wasn't hungry, my appetite had completely diminished. Chinese takeout wasn't exactly on the meal plan, but it was relatively the same amount of calories as the dinner suggested. However, I don't think I'll be able to stomach another bite.

My stomach is already incredibly bloated, and I feel like a potato with four toothpicks stuck in it. I already knew to expect this, but it doesn't make it any easier.

My relationship with Dan had only just started again, but I already know it's going to become difficult once again. I've been through this process so many times before, and even though the logical part of my brain tells me it's no big deal, the disordered thoughts are going to take over, and I'm not going to want him to even touch me. I'm completely disgusted with myself.

With a heavy sigh, I put the takeout on the coffee table, giving up. I know Dan's about to say something, and I give him a look, silencing him.

After a few minutes, I know that if I spend another second in a room with people, I'm going to lose my head. "I think I'm going to go to bed," I declare standing up. I walk out of the lounge before anyone can say anything, heading into the bedroom, closing the door behind me. I press my back against the door, closing my eyes as I slide down the wall, coving my face with my hands.

Today has not been a good day.

Silent sobs escape me, and it doesn't take long before the tears start falling. At this moment, I just have to be thankful that I can cry. The last time things were this rough, I had gone completely numb, all the emotions bottled up inside of me with no way of escaping.

I try my best to keep the sound of my crying to a minimum, hoping to god that the movie drowns it out.

Dan's POV

After (y/n) basically runs from the room, I wait a few seconds before following after her. However, as I reach the hallway, I hear the bedroom door slam behind her. Creeping up to the door, I instantly know not to open it as I hear a strange sniffling noise coming from the opposite side, only to realize that she's crying. My heart sinks, as the only thing I want to do right now is comfort her, yet I know that's not what she wants, at least, not right now.

I lean my head against the door, not completely are what to do in this situation. However, as the sound of her sobbing grows louder, I decide I can't take it anymore, and knock softly on the door.

I hear the sound of her sniffling a bit, knowing she's probably standing in front of the mirror, wiping her eyes and trying her best to appear as if she hadn't just been crying. However, as she opens the door, her swollen eyes show that that was impossible for her.

Your POV

As I see Dan standing on the other side of the door, I try my best to keep a straight face. However, as his expression drops, I realize I can't fool him. Tears begin to form on the corners of my eyes, and he immediately wraps his arms around me, letting me sink into his warm chest. Gently rubbing my back, he places his chin on top of my head, and I shake against him, letting myself completely go.

Dan lets me stand there with him for as long as I need, which happens to be around fifteen minutes, before I've completely exhausted myself. I crawl into bed, and he pulls the duvet over me before getting in next to me. I scootch up to him, and he wraps his arm around me, letting me bury my head into his chest, enveloped by his warmth and comfort.

I don't think I've been as vulnerable around anyone as much as I've been with Dan, except maybe Macy. However, I kind of had to be more vulnerable around her, considering she witnessed everything I was going through. However, with Dan, I had the option to lock myself away, not letting him see the darkest, most exposed parts of me. Yet, I had somehow been able to trust him from day one. He's the first, and only person I've felt one hundred percent comfortable with, the one person I could be my genuine self around, whether it was the good parts, or the bad.

And he's loved me through all of it.

Although, I feel like I'm not giving enough credit to Dodie and Phil.

Sure, they haven't dealt with the full blast of my issues, but they've seen enough. When I left, and Dan had fallen into a depression, Phil had been the one to help pick up the pieces. When there was any conflict between Dan and I, both of them were the mediators, able to get us back together. They had both been exposed to James, they had lost connection with PJ, they had been exposed to all the crazy shit that goes on inside my head.

And yet, they were both able to see past that.

They were able to see the person I am behind all the depression, and anxiety, and disordered thoughts. They could pick apart what parts were the mental illness, and what was the real me. They stayed by my side, no matter what.

They were the most genuine friends I've ever had.

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Some guy basically tried to knock my door down then when I answered he told me he needed to go to the basement to hook something up and I've listened to enough true crime articles to know that was a recipe for murder. Now he's in my garage and idk how to get rid of him, but it's fineeeee.