Your POV

I'm falling apart. And there's nothing I can do about it.

"No one will ever love you. I hate you. Just leave, I never wanna see your fucking face again."

"You can't mean that!" I shout, tears running down my cheeks.

Dan chuckles like a maniac. "Hun, you have no idea, do you? It was all a joke. You don't mean anything to me, or anyone else, for that matter."

"But...you said you loved me."

He shrugs his shoulders, smirking. "Yeah, I lied."

I wake up shaking from the nightmare, blindly trying to crawl to Dan, only to realize he's no longer in bed. I sit up straight, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to gain control of my breathing.

It was just a dream. It's not true. They all love you. Everything is going to be okay.

I repeat these things in my mind over and over again, and I start calming down. I sigh, crawling out of bed, and to the kitchen. I hear three different voices, and I'm starting to realize I've been waking up a lot later than usual.

"You want some coffee?" Phil asks as I enter, and I nod my head, sitting next to Dan. I lie my head on the cool countertop, almost ready to just fall back asleep.

"You okay?" Dan asks, and I shrug my shoulders. I don't even know anymore.

Phil places a mug of coffee in front of me, and I take a sip, only to recoil. There's creamer and sugar. Useless calories. Luckily, no one notices my flinch, but I barely sip the coffee, dazed in my own world.

I spend most of the day moping around the apartment in a monotonous haze. I'm sure Dan has noticed, but hasn't said anything, which I'm extremely grateful for. I'm not in the mood for any sort of confrontation. I sit on the couch by myself, scrolling through Twitter, when I get a text from Macy.

Hey I'm having a few people over, wanna hang out

I don't know how good of an idea that would be, considering the mindset I'm in right now, and that I'll be around a ton of drugs and peer pressure. I don't exactly have a ton of self control at the moment.

Fuck it.

Ya I'll be over around seven :)

Cool, see you then

I walk around the apartment, trying to find Dan. "I'm going to Macy's, I'll be back sometime later tonight," I tell Dan, leaning against the bedroom doorframe as he works on something on his laptop.

He looks up at me, his eyes narrowed, and I instantly know what he's going to say before the words come out of his mouth. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" He asks. "I mean, don't you think going there might be...triggering?"

I roll my eyes, instantly putting my defenses up. "I'm going to be fine, Dan. I've told everyone that I don't want to smoke, so they all know. Trust me."

"I'm trying to," he mutters under his breath, obviously not expecting me to hear him. I sigh heavily, before walking up to him, bending down, and kissing him on the forehead.

"I'm fine, Dan," I try to reassure him. "I'll be back sometime later tonight, okay?"

"Okay," he mumbles. I kiss him once more, before quickly getting dressed and doing my makeup. I pack the clothes I had stollen from Macy in my bag, before walking out of the apartment, and out of the building.

An hour car ride later, I'm at Macy's, which is already packed. I knew she was having a few people over, but I wasn't aware it was going to be a party this big. As I walk into the house, I'm immediately swarmed by people all over the place.

"(Y/n)!" A vaguely familiar girl with pink hair shouts into my ear. "I haven't seen you since high school!"

I use all my brain power to put a name to her face, but nothing comes up. "Yeah, I know!" I reply, trying to mimic her excitement.

"I heard you had a YouTube channel, and you were living in London?" She asks, and I gulp nervously, not really wanting to get into the conversation.

"Um, yeah," I answer, sort of mumbling and hoping she realizes this isn't a subject I want to delve into.

"I can't believe it!" She exclaims. "Honestly, If anyone of us was to move to London and become that successful, I don't think I'd have ever guessed it to be you."

The expression on her face shows she doesn't mean it to be offensive, and I laugh awkwardly, not sure how else to react. "Um, thanks, I guess. Anyway, do you know where Macy is?"

"She was in the lounge, last time I checked," she answers. I nod my head, before pushing past her, trying to make my way through the sea of people surrounding me until I reach the lounge.

"Hey!" Macy sees me before I notice her, and waves me over from the couch. "Come, sit." She pats the minuscule space between her and Jack, and I squeeze in, my shoulders pressed against both of them. "I was wondering when you'd show up."

"I didn't realize this is what you meant by 'a few people,'" I shout over the music, and her and Jack both laugh.

"Well, I don't know what your definition of a few people is, but okay," she replies, shrugging. "You wanna smoke?" She asks.

"Oh, no, I'm good," I reply quickly. "I promised Dan I wouldn't do anything like that, at least not at the moment."

"Oh, c'mon, what he doesn't know won't hurt him," she counters, a mischievous grin playing on her lips.

I shake my head. "No, really, I can't."

"Ugh, boring," she whines, but doesn't continue bugging me, thank god.

"Why don't you ever bring Dan here?" Jack asks, and by the look on his face, I already know he knows the answer.

I roll my eyes. "Because if I brought him here, you guys would eat him alive," I reply, and he laughs.

"Yeah, true. I mean, I'm sure that guy's nice, but he just doesn't seem like...you."

I shrug. "Maybe that's why we work so well with each other. We're opposite pieces of one whole...thing."

Macy sighs. "Ugh, I wish there were guys like that here. Every guy I meet just wants to fuck and smoke weed."

"That's because that's all you want to do, too," Jack counters, and I laugh.

"I mean, he's not wrong," I point out, and Macy slaps me hard on the shoulder. Suddenly, my stomach grumbles, and I realize I haven't eaten at all today. "Do you have any food in the kitchen?" I ask.

"Yeah, help yourself," she replies, and I heave myself out of the couch, pushing myself through the crowd until I reach the kitchen. Plenty of people sit around the kitchen table, and as I search through the fridge, finding nothing, someone comes up behind me.

"Hey, (y/n)!" It's a girl named Tara, who I've only spoken to on a few occasions. The most vivid memory I have of her is her punching James in the face one time, when he went off on me for no reason. I instantly feel like I can trust her.

"Oh, hi, Tara! I feel like I haven't seen you in so long!"

"Yeah. I mean, you haven't really seen anyone in awhile, from what I've heard," she replies.

I sigh awkwardly. "Heh, yeah. But, you know, I've been coming around here more often." Wanting to change the subject, I then ask her, "Do you know if there's any food in here?"

"We have cookies," she answers, pointing the the tray on the oven. My heart instantly sinks, but she must notice, as she adds, "Don't worry, there's nothing in them."

I give her a gracious smile. "Thanks," I reply, and walk to the oven, grabbing a cookie and taking a large bite. They end up being a lot better than I expected, and I eat two more.

I really need to work on who I decide to trust.

About thirty minutes later, I'm sitting back in the lounge, when it's as if something hits me in the center of my forehead, and I instantly become nauseous.

"Oh, fuck," I breathe, and Jack turns to me.

"What is it?"

"I didn't think they were weed cookies," I say, my eyes glazing over.

"Oh, shit," he laughs, and I instantly begin panicking.

I stumble around the lounge, not knowing where to go or what to do. I've never been the biggest fan of edibles, considering they take longer to kick in, and hit you a lot harder than just straight up weed.

I run to the bathroom, banging on the door until I realize it's unlocked. I slide down on the floor, sticking my fingers down my throat, and trying my best to get rid of everything in my stomach. However, as tears run down my cheeks, I realize it's too late.

The next two or three hours are a complete haze. Even with my brain turned to cotton, I try my best to remain grounded, talking to as many people as I can. I don't know what was in those cookies, but it only seems to be getting stronger.

"(Y/n)? Are you there?" Macy pokes me in the nose, and I realize I've been zoned out in front of her for who knows how long.

"I...I don't know what's going on, anymore," I reply bluntly, and her eyes widen in confusion. Not knowing what I'm doing anymore, I push past her, and into the bathroom once again.

I gaze into the mirror, staring into my vacant eyes, and notice the lack of color in my skin. I look dead. The music pumping outside of the bathroom rattles the mirror, and my stomach turns viciously. I don't even want to be here.

The door suddenly shutters as someone pounds on it. After regaining my breath, I open the door, to reveal James standing on the other side.

I sigh heavily. "What do you want?" I ask, crossing my arms protectively across my chest as he leans against the doorway.

He smirks at me, sending my heart pummeling. "I want you," He replies. "Obviously."

I physically cringe, backing up and nearly tripping over the toilet. "I have a boyfriend," I reply stupidly.

James chuckles darkly, and I want nothing more than to just push past him and run from this bathroom, from this house, from this town, like I tried to do over half a year ago.

"C'mon, we both know that's not going to last." He starts stepping closer to me, and I press myself against the wall, breathing heavily. I squeeze my eyes shut as his hand brushed against my cheekbone, and I want to throw up.

He's close enough to me that I can almost smell his breath, and tears begin to sting my eyes, when he's instantly yanked away. My eyes shoot open, and my jaw drops as I see Jack pulling James away, getting in his face.

"Leave her the fuck alone!" He shouts, spit flying from his mouth. "What the bloody hell is fucking wrong with you?"

"Get the fuck away from me!" James grunts, ripping himself from Jack's grip. He turns to me, and I keep my spine pressed on the tile wall as his eyes narrow. "You think you're better than all of us, but you're a fucking psycho bitch who has no grasp on reality. Shit's gonna hit the fan, and you're gonna get what you deserve."

A painful shiver runs through my nerves, and as James storms away, Jack and I lock eyes.

"You should probably leave," he mumbles, and I nod my head. He sighs heavily, before walking away, in the same direction James had gone.

I walk out of the bathroom and into the smokey hallway, gazing over the sea of heads to find Macy. Finally, I see her in a corner, deep in conversation with Kenny. I push through the crowd, until I reach her.

"Hey, I think I'm gonna leave," I slur, subtly placing my hand on the wall to keep myself steady.

She narrows her eyes at me. "No, you're not leaving like this. You're gonna spend the night."

I shake my head. "I can't, I told Dan I'd be home tonight, and if I don't, he's gonna get mad."

"He'll understand, hun. I really don't want you going out like this."

"But if I spend the night, he'll get suspicious. He'll know that I got stoned," I argue.

"Okay, but if you go home like this, then he'll see you stoned," she counters. "There's no way you'll be even slightly sober by the time you get there."

I sigh heavily, rolling my eyes. "Macy, I have to leave, and that's that," I conclude monotonously. "Can you call me an Uber?"

She huffs, but reaches her hand out. "Gimme your phone."

I'm in a haze the entire Uber ride, realizing tonight went just as wrong as it possibly could. I start to recognize the street we're on, and lean forward suddenly.

"Stop here!" I yell to the driver, and after an initial reaction of panic, he pulls over onto the curb. I want to be able to walk a little bit of the way home, as an attempt to sober myself up a bit. After paying the driver, I hop onto the chilly street, wrapping my arms around myself and shivering.

Dan was right. This was not a good idea.

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Hey, I know it's frustrating that (y/n) is doing this shit, but one, perfect characters don't exist, and two, addiction is way more common in mentally ill people than you'd like to believe. It's not a choice, and it's highly stigmatized. If you want a perfect story with perfect characters, plenty of those already exist, but this isn't one of those.

Thanks for reading! Also, don't worry, I'll be posting a lot more often, around every three to four days. See you later! 💜