I sob into the pillow, realizing I should have brought some weed with me from Macy's. Right now, that sounds like the only thing that could help me through this pain.

No one even attempts to talk to me for the rest of the night, and I assume Dan sleeps on the couch. However, I don't pity him, considering I can't sleep at all.

As the next morning comes along, and I realize I'm not going to get any sleep, I decide to get some coffee. However, as I step into the kitchen at only eight in the morning, I see not one, or two, but three of the last people I want to see right now. I'm about to turn around and go back to bed, when Phil notices me.

"Oh, g'morning, (y/n)," he greets me, slightly awkwardly, causing Dan and Dodie to turn around and face me.

"Morning," I grumble, walking to the coffee maker. However, as I fill up a mug, I realize I have no reason to be mad at Phil. Maybe he didn't stand up for me, but he didn't say anything negative, either. I sigh heavily, before grabbing my cup of coffee and starting to walk out of the kitchen, when Dodie stops me.

"Wait, (y/n)," she calls out, and I stop where I'm standing, turning to face her and raising my eyebrows. "I'm...I'm sorry, you're right. Those were your friends, who I've never even met, and I had no right to judge them like that. I realize I made a really stupid mistake, and I'm sorry," she concludes, her eyebrows tilted in a sorrowful expression.

I sigh, thinking about her words for a second. "Okay," I reply, and she gives me a small smile. "I, just..." I sigh, clapping my hands to the side. "I just need time to get over this."

She nods her head in understanding, and I turn on my heel, walking out of the kitchen. However, as I enter the hall, Phil yells something unintelligible from the kitchen, as and as I turn around, Dan comes out behind me.

I cross my arms across my chest, narrowing my eyes. "What?" I ask in a cold tone.

He sighs heavily, as if contemplating if he should say anything at all. "I just wanted to say, I'm also sorry. Everything I said was wrong, and you were completely right. You have every right to be mad at me, and I totally get if you don't forgive me. I hate being in a fight with you, because I love you. However, I'm willing to give you all the time you need, because what I said was a dick move."

"You're right, it was," I reply immediately, and an expression as if he had been slapped crosses his face. My heart instantly drops, and even though I'm still irritated with him, I can't help but feel bad. "But...it's not like I could expect you to fully understand." I give him a small smile, which he weakly returns.

"I still want to be alone for a little bit, though," I continue, and he nods. "I mean, I need to film a video, and I'm still a bit stressed out."

"Okay," he agrees. "But I think we should still talk about this later. I know I don't understand now, but I want to be able to."

I nod my head, and he smiles down at me. Dan grabs my cheeks, kissing me on the forehead, before walking back to the kitchen. After I watch him disappear, I turn around, walking into the bedroom.

I spend a little under an hour filming a video, and another two hours editing it. The video had been a Q and A, except I was covering some of the more serious questions I had gotten. Questions about Dan and I's relationship, my mental health at the moment, and how far I was willing to take my career with YouTube. I have always been brutally honest with my viewers, but there were some subjects I had to only graze over, and some I had to skip altogether. Due to me still not being completely sure what I wanted to include and what I wanted to cut out, editing the video took a lot longer than a lot of people would have expected. Part of me would rather be safe than sorry, but part of me also realizes that's not the usual way I roll with my videos. I like to cover the things other people are too scared to talk about, as I feel like someone needs to bring up these subjects. However, with this video, I feel I need to respect my own privacy more than the curiosity of my viewers.

Once I had finished the video and was happy with the final result, I start posting the video onto my channel, scheduling the upload time for noon. I sit back in Dan's chair, stretching and gazing at the ceiling. I completely zone out, letting my thoughts take control as I think about the last twenty four hours. Not only had I broken my sobriety, but I had gotten in one of the largest arguments I ever had with my best friends. My mind felt like it was falling apart, my mental health deteriorating with every second. I let anxiety and depression roll over as it hits me as a hurricane. I close my eyes, trying to subdue the negative thoughts forcing themselves into my mind.

Selfish pig.

I would say you deserve to die, but even that's too good for you. You deserve to suffer.

Starve yourself, you fucking pig. Food is for good people who deserve it. Not backstabbing bitches.

You don't even deserve to be here, why do you think you should get mad at them for anything? You're a lost cause.

A knock on the door breaks my train of thought, and I'm brought back to reality, nearly falling out of the desk chair. I realize I had somehow started crying, wiping my cheeks hastily. Checking myself out in the mirror and making sure my eyes weren't puffy or red, I walk to the door, opening it, and seeing Dan standing on the other side.

"Hey, what's up?" I ask him, brushing a piece of hair behind my ear.

He opens his mouth, but gapes like a fish, as if trying to figure out the right way to put into words what he's thinking. The serious expression on his face fills me with anxiety, and I wring my hands together nervously.

"I...I need to know something," he quickly blurts, his eyes glazed over.

"Okay, What is it?" I ask, trying to keep myself calm.

"Did...did you do anything at Macy's house?" He can instantly read the shocked expression on my face, and quickly adds, "I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, I just...I just noticed you acting a bit strange, and...and wanted to know why." He gulps nervously, and I sigh.

"Yes," I reply bluntly, and now it's his turn to become shocked. Shame engulfs me, and I squeeze my eyes shut, using every bit of restraint to keep myself from crying. "I didn't mean to, I promise. I told them I was trying to stay sober, but they pressured me into it, and I don't have any self control," I choke out. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to happen, but I got caught up in the moment, and there was so much going on, I couldn't...I couldn't keep myself under control."

Dan sighs heavily, and I'm instantly worried this is now his turn to be mad at me. I hastily wipe my face, not wanting him to see me cry, even though he should already know I am.

However, he doesn't seem mad. "I'm glad you didn't lie to me," he says, and I'm instantly overcome with relief. "However, the next time you get the urge to do something like this, I want you to talk to me first. And that applies to when anything wrong is going on. I don't want you to try to bury your problems, I want you to confide in me. Can you at least promise me that?"

I look up at him, and smile. "Yeah, I promise."

He grins, wrapping me in a hug, and I bury my face in my chest.

Well, I guess promises were meant to be broken.

~~~~ Ten Days Later

Every three days or so, I go to Macy's to hang out. Considering I hadn't talked to my friends for months before now, I'm sure it weirds Dan out a bit. However, luckily, even if Dan didn't want me to hang out with them, he's not assertive enough to tell me so.

Every time I go to Macy's, I promise myself that smoking weed is a one time thing. Then I tell myself it's only going to be a two time thing. Then a three time thing, and I realize now that I've started, I don't know how to stop.

"Why is weed so taboo?" I take a hit off a blunt, passing it to the left of me. "I mean, I'm happy, and I'm not doing any harm."

"Yeah, I know!" Macy drawls, wrapping her arm around me. "I mean, I'm happy, you're happy, and it's not like we're hurting anyone."

"You're so right," I reply dramatically, and burst out laughing.

Dan's POV

She's become distant and isolated. I don't think she realizes I've noticed, but I have. I can't lie, her disappearing to Macy's every few days scares me just a bit, but I have to use every bone in my body to trust her. She promised that she would tell me if she relapsed in any way, and I need to trust her to do so.

However, that gets harder and harder by the day.

Even when she's here, she's not. She's either escaping to the bedroom, or always working on her laptop, like she suddenly doesn't have time for anything other than YouTube. I don't know if she's avoiding me, or if she's trying to distract herself, or maybe a little bit of both. Part of me is just telling myself to ask her about it, but the last thing I want is for her and I to get into another argument. I'm walking on eggshells.

I walk into the kitchen around noon, where Dodie and Phil sit. Last night I stayed up, waiting for (y/n) to come home, when she texted me at two in the morning telling me she was spending the night. I tried to go to sleep after that, but my paranoia kept me awake until sunrise.

"You wanna go out today?" Phil asks me. He must see the bags under my eyes, as he places a steaming cup of coffee in front of me.

I shake my head, blowing on the coffee a bit. "I wanna wait for (y/n) to come home."

Dodie rolls her eyes. "You don't need to wait on her for everything, Dan," she says. "She has a life of her own, and you do, too. Besides, based on the snaps she sent me, I don't think she's going to be home anytime soon."

I raise my eyebrows in confusion. "What do you mean?" I ask, nearly choking on my coffee.

She laughs. "She was up pretty late, and from what I could tell, she wasn't exactly sober."

This time, I actually choke on my coffee. "Was she high?" I stammer.

Dodie cringes, and I realize she doesn't know (y/n) had smoked the weed the first time she hung out with Macy. "No, they were at a party, and she sent videos of herself taking shots until, like, five in the morning." She chuckles, then adds, "It's like she's back in high school again."

"That's exactly what I was afraid of," I mumble, just quiet enough for Dodie to not hear me.

"So?" Phil grabs my attention, and I look up at him. "You down with going out today, or not?"

I sigh heavily, slouching my shoulders. "Fine, just lemme get ready real quick."

Your POV

I wake up around two in the afternoon, the sunlight streaming in from Macy's living room slider. I sit up, and realize I feel completely fine. I had only taken about two shots last night, as I was already stoned, and hate the feeling of being crossfaded. When weed exists, I don't even know why people still drink.

I stretch, standing up, and walk to the kitchen. As I pass the full length mirror next to the door, I realize I'm only dressed in a skintight crop top and volleyball shorts. I must've changed into some of Macy's clothes last night without even realizing it.

When I walk in, I see Kenny, Jack, and Macy. "Everyone else leave from last night?" I ask, fumbling through her cupboards, before remembering she doesn't drink coffee. What a shameful way to live.

"Yeah, there was another party going on at Ethan's, so everyone left around three in the morning. However, you were pretty out of it, so we decided to stay here," Kenny answers.

"How thoughtful of you," I reply, stretching, and pulling my phone out of my pocket. I raise my eyebrows in surprise, realizing I have a few missed texts.

Dan
Hey you know when you're gonna be home?

The 3 of us are going out. If you wanna join us, text me, and I'll tell you where we can meet up.

If you're just going home, text me then too

Dodie
Dan's worried about you. Think you can text him so he can stop being a worry wart? Lol

We're going out, text us if you wanna meet up

Although, based on your Snap, idk if you'll be in the mood for it lol

I think about the last message, when a memory comes back to me, my taping myself taking shots and sending them to Dodie. From her text, I'm guessing I didn't send her anything else. Thank God.

Yeah, I'll meet up with you guys in a bout an hour or so. Meet at that cafe by tesco, around 3?

Sure sounds like a plan :)

"Well, as much as I enjoy talking to you guys, it turns out I have an appointment," I say, clicking off my phone and tucking it in the waistband of my shorts.

"What, with your twat boyfriend?" Jack asks, chuckling a bit.

I roll my eyes. "At least he's not as big of a twat as you," I reply, walking out of the kitchen and to Macy's room. I hear him call out something behind me, but I ignore him.

Considering my clothes definitely smell like dank, I change into some of Macy's clothes. A pair of high waisted shorts, a bralette, and an oversized flannel. I leave a few of the top buttons undone, so it drapes off my shoulder, the strap of the lacy bra obviously visible. I pull my hair up into a messy ponytail, and borrow some of her makeup.

As I sit in front of the full length mirror sitting on Macy's bedroom floor, she appears behind me in the doorway, leaning against the frame. "This feels just like high school," she says, and I laugh.

"Yeah, you're right." I finish my face with some very luminous highlighter, and stand up.

"It's like you never went away," she whispers, looking me up and down, her voice laced with a touch of sadness. "It's like you never changed."

I can't help but frown. "I didn't change, Macy. I only tried to get better."

She sighs heavily. "Yeah, I know. It's just...weird, seeing you live the kind of life none of us got to experience." She pauses, before adding, "But if any of us deserve happiness, and comfort, it's you."

I give her a small smile. "Macy, you can still be happy, and even live a normal life," I explain. "It's hard, because our entire lives, we're told that this is all we're going to amount to. But obviously, that's just one big lie."

Her face falls with pity. "Oh, hun, it seems you have changed. You've lost your sense of realism." I can't help but gape, but she turns around, sashaying down the hall. I sigh heavily, before turning back toward the mirror. Maybe she's right, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have hope.

An hour or so later, I'm inside the cafe, scrolling through my phone, when the front bell rings, and the three of them walk in. I'm
About to stand up, when Dodie immediately sees me, and leads Dan and Phil toward the booth.

"Hey, stranger," she greets me cheerily. "For someone who had the night you just had, you look awfully chirpy."

I laugh. "It's just talent, I guess." I notice the weird look on Dan's face, as if he can see right through me, and I decide to change the subject. "Anyway, what've you guys been up to?"

Dan's POV

Dodie's right. I've seen (y/n) hungover more times than I can count on my hands, and she never acts like this the morning after. Yeah, I'm sure she's had a tolerance built up, but considering what Dodie's told me, I shouldn't expect her to be feeling one hundred percent right now. I can only think of one way she'd be able to get that way last night, and feel completely fine, but I try to push the thought out of my brain.

So why can't I?

———————————————————————

I think I broke up with my best friend. I'm happy, but on a deeper level, I'm the most depressed I've been for awhile. That's probably why this story is sad. I'm sorry I'm being a sad sack, and I'm fine. I'll see you all later 💜