Marcus and Chris were playing a game on the TV. It was Saturday night and the three of us hung in my family's rec room playing NBA Live. Naturally, Marcus was shit and Chris was beating his ass.

         "Black man can't jump!" Chris hollered as his character dunked on Marcus's.

Marcus was acting salty as he threw his controller down. "Man, whatever."

Chris wasn't letting the win go as he continued to talk shit. "Awe, what's the matter? How's it feel being my bitch? How'd it feel having my nuts hanging over ya head?"

Marcus shoved Chris as they began to laugh.

Chris shut the game off and faced me, appearing serious. "I heard Cree lost her shit yesterday in Ventura's."

I was sitting by myself on the sofa while they were on the floor in front of the TV. I was zoning in and out of their game, my thoughts consumed by something else.

"So we're talking about the C-word, huh?" I said.

Chris looked to Marcus and smirked. "So she's reduced to a letter now?"

It wasn't that deep for me. When I said I didn't want to be best friends, I thought it would loosen up our friendship. Instead, Cree completely cut everyone off. She and Troiann were still best friends, but she wouldn't step foot near one of us. And then there was Omari, he was quick to agree with her decision to eat lunch elsewhere. I guess he'd earned the smug expression on his face the day we'd all watch him lead Cree to a new table and he looked back at us. We hadn't ever been nice to begin with.

Friday during sixth period Cree had lost her shit. She never got mad at Tremaine, let alone did she ever say harsh things to him. It wasn't right, it wasn't right at all.

I filled them in on the episode.

Marcus and Chris shared some secret look before turning and facing me.

"Well, I guess I should get to the reason why I'm here," said Marcus.

"Which is?" I asked.

He looked to Chris, who nodded, and back to me. "I'm ready to tell Troy that I love her—that I'm in love with her."

It was a momentary surprise, one I sprung back from quickly as I was glad he was manning up.

"Wow, congrats," I told him.

Chris slugged Marcus's shoulder. "We all knew he was whipped. I bet he's got a Troiann tat somewhere."

Marcus rolled his eyes. "Please, if anyone's getting a tattoo it's her."

Chris seemed to agree as he gave it some thought. "I can see her getting a titty tat."

"Titty tat?" Marcus repeated.

Chris nodded. "Titty tat."

Troiann often spoke of her mother and I had a feeling Anh would beat the black off of both Troy and Marcus over Troiann marring her breast with Marcus's name.

Chris and Marcus stood from the floor still arguing over the idea.

Marcus eventually waved Chris off. "Whatever." He looked to me. "It's sorta freeing to think about telling her how I feel. Troiann's amazing, she deserves it."

She did.

"I'm happy for you."

"Draya go to the doctor yet?" Chris asked.

"Her appointment's next Thursday." She was nervous and giddy. I didn't know how to feel. We spoke on the phone every once in a while and she sat with her friends at lunch. We got along but we both knew it wasn't in the cards for us as a couple. Emotionally, I couldn't hack it.

"It's almost over," said Marcus.

Right.

Chris came and pounded his fist against mine. "Marcus manned up, let that be a motivator for you. If you ask me, Dre, Cree wasn't yelling at Trey yesterday, she was yelling at you."

Together they left and I stayed seated, drifting into my thoughts.

She looked so tired and as if she didn't care. I wanted to grab a hold of her and shake the nonsense out of her. Love wasn't important? Could she be any more dramatic? What the hell was she doing with Omari then? He was clearly into her.

Cree fucking Jacobs.

The silence was too much for me. I dug my phone out of my pocket and dialed Darnel's number.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hey," I said. I took a breath, knowing what I was about to say had been heavy on my mind for months. "I was supposed to call you."

"You were?" Darnel sounded confused.

I bowed my head. "You know everything Tremaine said was right, right?"

The line was silent for a moment before Darnel spoke. "How long have you known you were in love with her?"

I brushed my hand over my head, sighing. "Since the moment I saw the look on her face when I told her Draya might be pregnant. But this goes back to before I knew I loved her. Something happened that changed everything."

"What?"

"Chris threw a party here the day school ended. Cree was going to be leaving, so I figured it was the perfect time to give her this gift I got her. When we were going through it, 'Nel, Cree was the one who pushed me to come down and talk to you. I just wanted to thank her."

"So you got her a gift?"

"A watch by Marc Jacobs."

Darnel chuckled. "Nice touch."

"She kissed me."

"Whoa."

I nodded. "And I thought it was weird because it was Cree, but then she asked me if I ever thought about kissing her and I said yeah because let's face it, Cree is bomb."

I would be a liar if I said I hadn't thought about how it would be to kiss Cree in the beginning. She was a girl and she was far from ugly. At the time in my bedroom, I'd been going with the flow. She told me to tell her I wanted her and I did, high on the vibe she was giving me. And then she'd told me it was mine and deep inside the hunger grew. When we'd made it to my bed and I'd gotten her to take her shirt off the mood was starting to shift uncomfortably. Seeing her shyness and her covering her breasts made me smile and like her more. And then my shirt was off and we were kissing again and I just wanted to take it further as if she were any other girl.

But just as I was sliding off her panties and gazing into her eyes, it hit me. I liked her, a lot. She wasn't any other girl and what we'd been about to do was wrong. I wanted it to mean something to her, something special and at a party wasn't it.

Cree pushed me away misreading my confusion and I sulked in my father's office all night.

"I got scared, 'Nel," I told my brother. "I realized I liked her and I got scared because I've never liked anyone, and it was Cree. I didn't know how to tell her or look at her and then she went away."

"Why smash Draya then?"

"Because I'm a fucking idiot who thought I was tripping." I sat back and let out a heavy breath. "Do you know how hard this is? I can't even fall in love right."

"Nobody's perfect, Dre."

That was a piss-poor excuse for my situation. "I was going to call you, but I never did because I wasn't ready to face what I felt. I went to Draya thinking it would solve my problems, but it caused an even bigger one and now look at me. I called you because you're the only one I could talk to about this. You're the only one who'll understand why I can't do anything now."

"Is she legit pregnant?"

"We're going to find out on Thursday."

"And if she's not?"

"She's not."

"You can't throw away how you feel because of a mistake you made."

I shook my head. "If this were one of those lame ass romance stories Ventura makes us read I'm sure no one would be rooting for my character. DeAndre realizes he has feelings for Cree and so he goes and has sex with Draya while she's away. Do you see how fucked up that is?"

"Yeah, it is fucked up, you fucked up, but this pregnancy's been punishment enough. I'm sure Cree will chew your ass out once you talk to her, but I bet she'll manage to forgive you."

That said a lot about her character to willingly accept me back after that. She deserved better. "I just wanna be numb. I used to be this calm, cool dude and this girl walked into my life and took all of that away from me. Please understand why I can't be with her, she has another guy who is better than me."

"I'm not going to sit on this phone and tell my baby brother some other guy is better than him. But you want some advice? We all grapple with love, Dre. Dad never taught us to love and how to express our feelings, hence you having sex with Draya thinking it'd cure how you felt for Cree. When I was falling for Ashley I was a wreck. My boys kicked it on me and I kicked it on myself, trying to deny it, but it only made it worse. You know what I did?"

"I can bet what you didn't do."

"I sat my ass down and wrote her a letter telling her how I felt. That's what you need to do. Write Cree a letter and after you're done you can either give it to her or keep it, but at least it'll be all out of your system."

"What'd you do?"

"I gave the first girl I ever loved a letter and the key to my heart and here I am today. The choice is up to you, Dre."

We spoke some more about him coming up to visit the upcoming weekend and us hanging out.

When our phone call ended I dragged myself up to my bedroom and dug around for some lined paper.

Sitting back at my desk, I stared at the naked lines for hours it seemed before getting the courage to write down the first two words.

Dear Cree.

It didn't take long for the rest of the words and how I felt to pour out. Before long, I'd filled the sheet with words my heart couldn't say due to my cowardice and guilt. I folded the letter and placed it an envelope and wrote her name on the cover.

Would I give it to her?

What would be the point? Even if no one liked her with Omari, I would respect their relationship and not intrude. He'd gotten her fair and square.

There was a knock at my door and soon it was opening and Devonte was stepping in.

"Hey, figured I'd come up for the weekend. What's up?" he asked as he looked around and settled back on me.

I shrugged. "Nothing, you?"

Devonte came and sat on my bed. "I needed a break from campus. Sometimes I get homesick. I miss you and Dad. If it wasn't for Darnel I'm sure I'd drop out and go to school here."

I missed my brothers, too.

But at least besides our older brother he had his girlfriend, Nique.

I faced him. "So what's Nique like?"

"She's definitely the coldest girl I've ever laid eyes on. When we met I knew she was the one."

I had to sit back, this was so unlike him. "Go on."

"She was playing ball at the courts and I was watching."

"She any good?"

Devonte shrugged. "Not as good as me, which is what I told her. I was trying to help her and she got an attitude like I was insulting her. She went her way and I went mine, and then I saw her again. I challenged her to a game and she agreed, I won of course, but then we became friends and started hanging out and studying together. We played ball a lot and then I realized at one point that I wasn't just playing ball for the win, I was playing for her heart."

Devonte paused and rubbed at his chin. "I should tweet that shit."

I rolled my eyes. "So she's into sports, that's dope."

"Hell yeah, she's down for whatever, too. She and Ashley didn't get along at first because you know how Ashley is. She's always on a hundred and ready to get into some heavy shit. In class Nique is like that but she knows when to cut it on and off. Thank God for 'Nel though, because he knows how to calm Ashley down and level her head, better him than me. Plus Nique is the perfect chick, she can ball and be girly, when we go out she be looking bad as hell."

He showed me a picture of Nique and him. In the photo Devonte had his arm around her and she was throwing up the west side sign. She was different from Ashley in the looks department as well. She wore her hair straight, and it was clear when not playing ball she dressed feminine and was into makeup. I liked the two sides to her already.

"She sounds nice," I said.

Devonte pocketed his phone and his face adopted a serious tone. "To be honest, Dre, she's a really nice girl. When we sat down and talked about our pasts, I was so ashamed of what I did in high school. I can't even see myself cheating on Nique. She's so chill and sweet and sometimes I don't even think I deserve her. She knew I missed you and Dad so much that she forced me to come up here. She considers my feelings before her own sometimes and I don't deserve that.

"Shit, I don't know what's scarier, being in love or facing a day where I could lose her. When you get something like that, you gotta chill on all that playing hard shit because it's not worth it. It's not worth hurting the girl and it's not worth wasting your time over ego or pride, neither."

Devonte never got serious and yet he stood talking to me about love as if he'd experienced the love of his life with Nique. Darnel was far gone like that. Marcus too. I never thought I'd see the day where Devonte would be so normal and calm.

"Wow, you're really in love," I said.

Devonte smirked. "Two down, none to go."

"I don't get a girl, now?"

"You had one. You just let her slide through your fingers."

"It's not so simple."

Devonte nodded. "It'll work itself out."

He didn't know about Draya and yet he was so optimistic. "Darnel told you, didn't he?"

Devonte didn't hesitate to tell me the truth. "Even big brother needs someone to talk to, Dre. He told me a while ago and we're both pulling for you and Draya. I mean, I imagine she has a lot of haters within your crew thinking she busy trying to make a come up or something, plus you're in love with another girl. It can't be easy for either of you. Let this be a lesson regardless."

I nodded. "Lesson learned."

"I just hope you get your shit sorted out. Dad's got Susan it seems, and I like her. She gets him and doesn't just yield. I'm glad he's not going to end up old and alone running his businesses."

Susan was nice for our father, but then again, our father hadn't shown an affectionate side in front of us towards her. They almost did seem like friends or Susan was nothing more than a conquest. Maybe our father grappled with affection and love, too.

Moxy came into my room and over to me. She stood on her hind legs and set her paws on my thigh, whining before beginning to pant.

"I cannot believe he let you get that dog." Devonte shook his head and walked out of my room. As if to piss him off, Moxy left me alone and chased after my brother.

I headed downstairs for some water, finding my father home and practically hopping around to avoid tripping over Moxy.

He looked up at me. "You just had to get a pest, huh?"

"I like her, she's a pain in the ass," I said.

My father agreed. "Clearly."

I watched as he kneeled down and petted Moxy, letting her lean up and lick his hand. So rarely did my father express a soft side, something that had rubbed off on all of us no doubt. It wasn't in his character to be soft or emotional, something that seemed so normal for so long. Until Cree.

Now I stood wondering how he and my mother had ever gotten together, and if she were the reason why he was the way he was.

Noticing my staring, my father stood up. "What?"

I'd never been curious about my mother. I'd never allowed myself to care, but for some reason, I wanted to know. "Why did our mother leave?"

My father's expression went from nonchalant to on guard. "Where's this coming from?"

I shrugged. "Nowhere, I'm just curious. Why did she leave?"

"Why does it matter? You grew up just fine without her."

"That's objective."

He lifted a brow. "Are you challenging my fathering skills?"

"No, I'm challenging why my mother walked out on me."

As if annoyed, my father rolled his eyes. "You wanna know why she left? It was because she couldn't handle what came with being a baller's wife."

"What does that even mean?"

"She didn't like my extracurricular activities. It wasn't her job to worry about that, I gave her the money and all she had to do was raise you boys. What I did was my business and my business alone. She had to whine about how long I was gone and how often I stayed out at night. I gave her a beautiful home and beautiful children and she was ungrateful for all of it."

It became crystal clean just then. He'd cheated on her. She'd more than likely loved him and he cheated and gave her material things as a substitute. He didn't donate his time to her or compassion. He didn't show her that she was loved and wanted. It was because of him that she left.

I took a step back, unable to even look at him. "You drove her away, so far she didn't even care to save us."

My father squinted. "Save you from what?"

"You!" He didn't teach us how to love or how to be soft and affectionate with women or girls. He didn't teach us to let ourselves need a companion and a partner. He didn't teach us to consider someone else's feelings.

"Me? Boys need their father."

"No, look what you did to us. You drove Darnel away and you won't stop until me and Devonte are gone too."

"Devonte would never leave, and Darnel was always the weakest link, he took after your mother, just a bitch like her, too." The menace on his face did me in, that and his audacity to insult my brother.

I didn't think. I just swung until I felt my fist colliding with his jaw.

For a moment I was fucking scared. I had hit my father. My fucking father.

I thought about running, but what was the point when I'd have to come back? Or maybe I didn't. Maybe I could pack a few clothes, get a job, and never come back. Maybe it was time for me to abandon him as well.

A hand took my shoulder and I found Devonte behind me, urging me away. He came and stood between us, standing up to our father who was clutching his jaw and eyeing me like bull taunted by red.

"Go pack a bag and get out of here," Devonte instructed.

I expected my father to shove him to the side and tackle me, but all he did was stare at me as if he was calculating his move.

Scared and shaken up, I did one better. I avoided packing any clothes at all and just fled from the house.

___________________
"Letter" – B. Smyth

https://youtu.be/NAYGShE4lho