"I came here a lot as a kid, they wanted to tear it down and build a new playground, but they didn't have the funds. Nobody ever comes by, so it's become overgrown. Tim and I still do a lot, it's a special spot to me. It's where I came out, where I..." I stopped when I realized I almost told him about my cancer. I start climbing the rock wall to the platform. I sit down and wait for Jack, but he doesn't come up. "Come on, don't be shy. I don't bite," I wink at him.

He smiles, then grabs onto the top and pulls himself up. I forgot Jack is 3 times stronger than me, and taller than me too, not by a lot but still significant. He sits next to me and grabs my hand.

"Why do you keep holding my hand? I'm not pretending with you anymore. You know this."

He looks at my hand and pulls it closer to him. "I dont know. It's comfortable I guess. You make me feel weird," he mumbles and pulls my hand to his lips. His eyes close. His lips are surprisingly soft like all he does is wear chapstick. He breaths against my skin, and my face goes hot, and my body feels inflamed. "You make me feel different. Vulnerable," his eyes open and meet mine. "You know, I haven't ever felt like I could just talk and be honest to anyone before, except Gene. You make me feel kinda scared, because this is overwhelming, but I'm okay with it. And I'm sorry about the incident in the office, I didn't mean to be rude. You- I just... I dont know. I feel like sometimes I need to be more defensive, macho man I guess," he tried to joke. "My father's pushy about that stuff. Fuck, im being so honest its scary, but when im with you I feel like I can just spill out my guts and I know you'll listen, and you won't judge me. I dont get that often, that's probably why you scare me. I'm honest with you, I don't feel like I need to mask myself."

I pull my hand away and look down at my crossed legs. He grabs my chin and looks me deep in my eyes.

"What did you do to me?"

I scoff and raise a brow. "What do you mean by that? How should I know what you're feeling? What you're feeling is your fault. You're just a horny bastard-"

His finger slides against my lips, I stop talking and examine his expression. It gets darker outside by the second, but the light of the moon coming out is enough to show his concentration.

"This is different, why is this different?" He asks himself. "All I want to do is kiss you," he mumbles just barely above a whisper.

"And if I wanted to kiss you too?"

"I'd ask to kiss you," his other hand travels to my shoulder, then to the back of my neck.

Im leaning in, he's leaning in, and we're almost touching, but I back out.

"What if I was already in a relationship?"

He stops moving towards me, the hand holding my chin drops, and the hand on my neck falls. "Who? Tim? You can't be for real? I thought you didnt... but..."

"It doesn't matter Jack, I know you have a girlfriend. Even if we were just pretending, you should've told me you started dating again. We should've ended things sooner, so it wouldn't be a burden."

"You thought this was a burden? You think I'm a burden?"

"That's not what I mean. I didnt think you were a burden, I think my feelings are a burden. God, you have no clue how long I've liked you, and then you came up to me and-"

"You've liked me?"

I bite my tounge in self punsihment. "I didnt mean that. How long I've admired you and wanted to get to know you. That's all I meant."

"No, no. I know what you mean. How long have you liked me?"

"That doesn't matter. This needs to stop. You're with a girl, and I'm already dating-"

"I haven't dated anyone since we started this," he grabs my hands.

"What do you mean? I saw you at the mall. Don't lie to me about this, I know you were with a girl, at the mall and-"

He breaks into laughter. His loud belly laughs fill the entire park, and it's so contagious I would smile if I wasn't so upset. Finally, he calmed down enough to explain, but he kept grinning the entire time.

"God, that's so cute and hilarious. That was my baby cousin, she's younger than me by 3 years. She was visiting from Colorado, so I invited her to the mall. Even the gang knows she's like a sister to me, so ask them if you dont believe me. I haven't dated anyone, I haven't thought of anyone, I haven't kissed anyone, and I haven't liked anyone since this started. Hell, even with my past relationships, I never liked kissing, it felt like a commitment."

"So sex was fine but no kissing? How does that make sense?"

"Sex is something I could just give out, have fun. Kissing is different, kissing is for love and seriousness. I'll kiss someone I want to stay with me."

"You realize you almost kissed me earlier?"

"I want you to stay in my life, Mac. I don't know what this feeling is; I don't know what you did to me. You make me feel sick but in a good way. My stomach turns whenever I'm around you, my heart stutters, and I feel my mind go blank. I can't sleep when I think of you, I can't function properly when you're around. I was so fucking worried about you when you just disappeared and didnt respond, it made me sick with worry. And when you always just looked so weak, I just wanted to make sure you were okay, hug you, protect you. I don't know why you get me like this, I'm even word-vomiting. Yes, I wanted to kiss you earlier, even back in the closet, and when you came to check on me at my house. I want to kiss you, I really truly fucking do."

"I'd be lying if I said I didnt feel the same."

"Then kiss me."

"I can't, Jack," now I have tears filling my eyes.

"Why? Mac," His hands cup my face, he leans forward and rests his forehead on mine. "Why?"

"I'm trying to get over you, I don't want to have feelings for you. For years I've loved you, Jack, everything about you, everything. But you don't love, you take as you please and leave. I can't love someone like that."

"Please let me try, I really like you, Mac. Please, let me try."

I cry suddenly. The emotions building up and hearing him say he likes me pushed me over the edge. He lifts me and puts me in his lap, his hands pressing into my lower back, his fingers running circles sending shivers up my spine. His whispered shushing in my ear is so calming, the small kiss he plants on my cheek, on my forehead, then in my hair, then back to my cheek. When I stopped crying I just held onto his shoulders, he kept rubbing my back and kissing my cheek. I wanted this, it feels so nice.

"When did you realize you liked me?" I ask cautiously.

He looks at his watch. "An hour ago, when I saw you. Something in me sparked. But to be honest, when you visited me in the hospital, I think that's when it started. I just got really worried about you, and I felt surprised that you cared about me, and I got this warm feeling in my chest. I thought it was from the concussion at first. You visited me at my house, and I knew that what I felt wasn't because of my injuries. Yes, I didn't have the best intention at first, and I know I was an asshole, and that was so fucked up of me. And I'm sorry. I know I made you feel like shit, and that wasn't my intention. When you kept running from me, and you ran from Gene in the halls, I thought he did something to you so I flipped out. I didnt want anyone to hurt you, but I didnt know that the reason you hurt that day was because of me.

"Seeing you hurt, especially because of me, is killing me inside. All I can think about is making you happy, holding you, kissing you, just adoring you. Being an actual boyfriend, being your real boyfriend. I want to be real with you Mac. So, I guess my first step is asking you out on a real date. Mac, please, go on a date with me, a real date, just you and I?" I lay my head on his chest. "I know you say you're with Tim, but I don't believe that for a second. You can't lie about that. Please, go on this date with me?"

I laugh, "Yes, I will."

He leans down and kisses the top of my head. We stayed there for a while, just relaxing against each other. I'm still in his lap, my back is against his chest, his arms wrapped around my stomach, and his head resting on mine. He's lying against the railing, we're both looking out into the wooded area, and the stars are starting to come out.

"I want to tell you, about everything, but I'm nervous. I need to know you won't change your perspective on me, I need to know you won't pity me, I need to know you'll still like me as you do right now."

"Mac, I think I just unexpectedly came out without knowing it, that just proved that I'm very serious right now. Whatever you say won't matter to me."

"I know you say that but I worry, I have to worry. So much can change when I tell you, I want you to know but I don't want you to change your perspective on me."

He lifts me slightly and moves me to face the left, he then grabs my chin and kisses my cheek.

"I want to kiss you, so bad. But I know you're not ready, so I won't. I like you a lot, and that's not going to be changing. I want you forever in my life, and I've never felt like that before, Mac." He plants another kiss on my cheek, and then my temple.

I smile, and I feel loved. I don't know if he loves me or not, but he said he wants to try. I want to try too. For real this time.

"Give me some extra time, I just need a few days, just a few days, until then I can tell you anything else you want to know, just I'm not ready for the personal stuff yet."

"I thought for the longest time you hated me, making all those bets with your friends. I guess that's probably why I went to you of all people. Betting on my love life, now you're a part of my love life. You said you loved me. When did you know? How do you know what love feels like?"

"Starting with the first question. From the moment I saw you, I had the biggest, stupidest, crush. Like, any time I would see you I felt like I was on fire, I couldn't think. You were all I could think about. God, I spend hours daydreaming about you, which is embarrassing to say now, but it's true. I was only interested in you. You kept on getting all these girlfriends, and I knew I didnt have a chance. I was envious at first, that I couldn't ever be one of those girls. Then the rumors started going around, and I may have still loved you, but I was disappointed. All the people you hurt, just so you can have some sex. And I know that's not it, I know that now, but at the time I just couldn't see why you did it. I know you didn't mean to cause any harm. I know.

"But, to answer the second one... It's hard to explain. When you love someone, you get this feeling. I knew I loved you because... honestly, I don't know. I feel safe around you, I feel free with you, I feel confident around you, but at the same time you make me want to squirm away but in a good way. I feel loved when with you, I feel like I could spend all eternity with you, the rest of my life. I don't feel pain around you, well, not all pain. I just love you. You're kind to me, you worry about me, you show you care about me, you show that when I'm with you I'm okay.

"And you're wrong. I want to kiss you, so damn bad. Just not when I'm crying and emotional," I throw out a small laugh.

"You keep saying 'loved', so do you not love me anymore?" He asks, I can see on his face he's worried and sad, but also hopeful.

"I do still love you, oh God, do I still fucking love you."

He sighed and I felt his shoulders relax against me. My body feels like it's on fire. I scoot off of him only to turn to face him. I straddle his lap and lean against him. Chest to chest, nose to nose. I make sure not to press my port into him; I'm not ready for him to know yet. I grab onto the railing behind him with one hand, the other finds its way into his hair. I tangle it with my fingers. I press deeper into him, making him close his eyes and sigh. His hands find my waist, his fingers traveling through the hem of my shirt to touch my skin. I gasp at the sudden feeling, a feeling I've been craving, him lightly holding my skin, and panting against my breath. All of this has been waiting for me.

"I want to kiss you, please, let me kiss you?" He pants, his hands gliding up my waist, then down, then up, and down. "God, please, let me kiss you, Mac."

I can't talk, so instead, I shove my lips into his.