Sleeping was the ideal problem for me. It's frustrating on how often I wake up, drenched in my own sweat and tears. The many nights of sleep lost, but with the some I get, bombarded with the traumatic past. I have all these things affecting me, yet I protest to leave my home for help. I don't understand myself, it's like I changed after the accident. Of course I did, physically and a recent discovery of mental corruption. I always try to block people out, but it's for their own safety. I don't want to drag someone new into my life, pretending it's all sunshine and rainbows. When in reality, I'm a girl that is intertwined with the past and won't let go for the future to happen. Maybe I'm just scared of the unknown.

I groan at my thoughts, wanting to just run away from them and to never look back. I'm just a bit nervous for tonight. After Victoria invited me to this club, I've been stressing over everything. Plus, I didn't sleep at all last night, as usual. I'll be coming in like the walking dead of the party, since I practically look like one. It might as well be a walking dead themed competition, I'd surely win first place.

I shuffled to the closet and dug through my clothes until I found my favorite sweater and a pair of jeggings. My usual bum look for the weekends, or at least until my friend comes with the stash of smokin' hot dresses that she thinks would complete me. She really is a good friend, besides her over aggressive ego and pushy character. I literally fell into peer pressure from her and usually get drunk at these things, but tonight I'm not aiming for any socialization in particular. Just a few drinks and I'm out. But that's not all her, she is a bit of an emotional lifter and that helped me return some of my positive emotions such as happiness. More like a small sense of joy. That's... Pretty much it in her good qualities and I'm not going into her sex appeal.

There was a vibration on the desk and my attention was drawn to the flip phone I had. I extended my arm to retrieve my phone, heading into the small living room. There was no seen barrier between the kitchen and the living room, besides what resembles tiles that decorate the little corner lightly. A brown, bit worn down couch was beckoning for me and I gave in, curling up by the arm after taking my normal spot. I looked at my phone, flipping it up to see who text me. Three messages, one from my mother, Victoria, and Beau. Pretty much the only people I get in contact with, besides my father and bill collectors.

The first one I open was from Victoria, which read, "I'll be at ur house at 7 to get ready, can't w8, much fun!!! :) ;)" A winky face, really? I shake my head, but can't help myself to smile. She has no idea how much of a nervous wreak I am just sitting here on a couch, thinking about it. I considered cancelling the event with her, but I always have an uneasy feeling whenever she attends these events alone. So I'll just be the designated driver and fuckboy repellent all night. Sounds like a sensible plan.

I tap another one open, "Hey Kat, meet me at the park as soon as possible." Well, I guess Beau is wanting to talk, considering he does this whenever something is needed to be discussed. Luckily I just got it, so I assume he's already out in the white mess of weather. I gave a short sigh, not really wanting to go out into the cold, but I sent an "Okay, be there shortly." Since it's just a little walk to the park from my apartment. I'll just have to deal with it.

Then lastly it was my mother, the same old worrying she does for me and how I should call more often. Speaking of which, I should give a quick call to her tomorrow so it would ease some of her worrys. I wouldn't want her more stressed than she already is about me, even though I tell her I'm doing fine. It's a mother thing, I think.

Placing the gadget on the side table, I lean my head back onto the couch, my gaze fixated on the white ceiling above. "Everything will be okay..." I spoke aloud to myself as to help encourage some motivation into getting up.

It didn't, but I slowly forced it anyways, collecting my coat and boots to meet Beau at the park. Beau. 'He's something of a motivator I guess.' I thought as I exited the door and down the steps just to be greeted with a cold gust of unforgiving and chilled wind.

The sky was yet darkened with white clouds coating it like a blanket, while a slight flurry came down lightly on the ground. Luckily the snow wasn't sticking together enough to form anything much, making it easier to walk on the sidewalk. Hopefully it won't turn into ice, then I'm really in trouble.

I passed an elderly lady and her dog, giving her a little smile and nodding of a 'hello' as we crossed paths. She is a sweet person and all, but I always see that dog of hers in the yard, soiling it. It's a serious matter I'm slowly considering on confronting her with. Before I could take that thought into anywhere else, I caught a glimps of a familiar grey jacket, Beau. He was sitting on a bench facing towards the small playground. I slowly approached him before speaking up, "Hey."

Beau looked over his shoulder and smiled lightly. His hair was slicked back with a bandana as usual, but his eyes reflected some emotion. "It's about time you showed up." He signaled a pat on the bench and I took the offer willingly, trying to ignore the coldness as my tail coiled around my waist. I moved my hand, placing it in my lap before looking at the playground in front of us. It was slowly being frozen over with blankets of snow on top of the small structure and slides, making it seem more abandoned and unused. Who would want to be over here playing in this weather anyways? Not me.

"Well, you didn't specify, so I took time into my own hands." I gave a shrug and glanced at him from the side. "So what's going on?"

I decided to get right down towards business since I'm suffering silently due to the situation he dragged me into. Beau shifted on the bench as if he was uncomfortable, his hands shielded in his pockets as he sighed, his breath was visible, crystalizing when mixing with the bitter air.

"So your going drinking again, huh?" I should've known he would find out sooner or later from Victoria. She can't keep anything on the downlow, even if her life was on the line. It seemed this news was a bit disappointing for him to hear, considering his readable expression and deceiving green eyes.

"I'm assuming Victoria announced the whole world that we were going somewhere in particular?" My sarcasm level was defiantly noticeable and surprisingly effective on him.

"I'm being serious here," I turned my head to finally face him completely, no humor or amusement spotted whatsoever. His brows knitted together as he spoke, "Kat, I don't think going out with that girl in your conditions are... Safe."

"What do you mean, safe?" I asked.

"I mean that your vulnerable. You need time to rest and recover-"

"Wait, are you telling me not to go?" My irritation grows towards him. He's trying to control me like I'm a lost puppy, like I'm useless and no nothing about protecting myself. My emotions stirred inside me and I couldn't help but to feel anger towards Beau and his assumptions. "So what if I get drunk and try to have a good time. It's not your decision to make." His features saddened a bit in concern with the flare in my words. Maybe being angry at him was irrational, but I just couldn't find any other emotion to show at this moment. Beau knows his boundaries and pointing out my flaws was enough to trigger me off the deep end.

"Kat-" There was clear desperation in his voice, but not enough to change what I feel right now.

This was a mistake, I shouldn't have came here in the first place. He doesn't need to scold me like a child that has done something bad. "It's my life, I will do as I please." I stood up abruptly, making it clear I was done with this conversation. He wasn't. I felt a hand grip at my arm as I was walking away, making me stop in my tracks.

"Kat, look at me." I heard Beau's voice from behind, soft and patient as always. I couldn't help but to obey and face the man in front of me.  "I'm sorry, I'm just concerned about you. Can't I do that?"

I look away from his stare, my head dropping a bit trying to get away but nodding to his question. I couldn't keep ahold of the anger slowly slipping away from my weak grasp. Emotionally unstable is the key word to describe this situation. I don't understand how quickly people aggravate me with the slightest words. I felt bad about being angry at the person that only shows worry and concern to me. Maybe I am a little bipolar at this state of acceptance.

Beau tugged me into a hug, my zombifyed self complying with it as I battled thoughts of desperation going through my mind. I needed this, comfort from another being, but something seemed always missing whenever he would show some sympathy towards me. I can't quite make it out, but it was making me feel empty.

"I know how you feel right now, but drinking away the problems at hand here isn't the answer." He spoke, interrupting the silence and light affection as well. His hand rubbed up and down my back before breaking our connection, leaving me with the feeling of guilt and dread. He does understand to a point on my loss of a loved one, but do I even deserve such a person in my life? He's too good of a person and I'm too dependant on him. Sooner or later I'm going to hurt him and he's going to see the real me, the real Karmine. "Promise me you won't do anything you would regret, that's all I'm asking."

He was basically telling me not to do anything stupid. If he dragged me out here just to make me promise that, he's just wasting his precious time. I've been out drinking before, what's the special circumstances this time around? This acute was all a jumbled mess to begin with. I'm emotionally drained, and isn't capable of agreeing to unreasonable promises by someone who thinks it's smart to trust me. Even if I'm a friend.

"Okay, I promise." The words fall out of my mouth barely over a whisper before I could peruse to deny anything about it.
It must have been the handy work of non other than my self-consciousness herself, but Beau is completely oblivious of this. He gave a slight nod of his head, seeming satisfied on the false promise. If only I could say it aloud myself, but I think staying out of trouble can be easy and he has nothing to worry about.

I'm intelligent at times, basically was a whiz kid during high school, but that doesn't imply here and this was a different situation. A mature, adult decision to go have some fun and distract a mind in need. Beau still seemed a bit unsettled with it though, or maybe it is just his natual instincts for me. Either one was making me have my doubts and suspicions on should I go on and subject myself to the world once more, but it wasn't enough to change the direction I was heading.

After we said our goodbyes and parted ways from the shifty conversation, I was left alone once again with my mind, the chilled winds, and a pinging sense of guilt as I made my way home. I didn't want to upset anyone nor disappoint, but either one I will take. Happiness doesn't grow on trees and you surely can't please everyone, that would end pretty ugly.

I sunk into the warmth and thickness of my coat, making it home to my apartment building quickly, eagerly awaiting the relaxing blow of heat radiating through the small entrance. I closed the door and shook the coat off before hanging it up on the wooden coat rack.

I plopped myself down on the soft, but worn couch and let a heavy sigh escape between my lips. Stress is a problem, emotions are a problem, and that makes me just a walking problem on this earth. What Beau doesn't know is that what I need, isn't concern over me. I need time to return to my normal life and to just relax my anxiety. He's too worried over what I'm going to do than the overall effects on my mental health, but, I cant blame him being a protector.

There was a very low, but close growl that came from my stomach. I was so engrossed in everything that I haven't eaten all day. Maybe I'll consider that a record. I propped myself up, off the couch and looking at the fridge from afar before approaching it.

I made myself a sandwich and ate it quickly, not bothering to waste a clean plate just for it. That would require a lot more effort into cleaning than I want to. I checked time on my phone, deciding if it was okay to take a quick nap before Victoria's arrival, nah. A glass cup was lifted up and I drank the clear liquid from it. The thoughts in my mind ran wild, there's no point onto shutting down something so active.

Leaning against the hard counter, my fingers danced around the edge of my cup as I waited for the uneasiness to settle into place.

_____

The dresses that Victoria decided to bring over were... Not necessarily in my category of liking. I should've thought this through more, knowing the person she is. As much as I love her, she should know me more by now.

I stood in the mirror, turning every which way and trying to convince myself that I liked it, but I didn't. The red dress was way too short and there were practically no cloth on it at all, making me feel very exposed in the front and back. An eyebrow was raised towards my friend in question, maybe I wasn't seeing to potential...?

"Hey, that one looks great. Doesn't it?" She was questioning her own compliment. Her face contorted into a small smile while her brows stitched together. Victoria seemed to agreeing with my thoughts in a silent, more less hurtful way and I respected that.

I let out a frustrated sigh, "Why can't I just wear my dress instead? It's hopeless." I was referring to the dark maroon dress that I have. It's the only dress I own and only wear it on special occasions. Not such as clubs, but possibly for a last resort.

Victoria shook her head and pretended to gag, "Not that granny gown please! I doubt they would let you in, just stop being picky and move onto the next dress. I have... Two more for you here."

I rolled my eyes and let the dress leave contact with my body, it falling onto the floor. I put it aside as Victoria held another out for her and my judgement as I slipped it on over my skinny frame.

This one was a bit different than the others. It was pitch black and had a thin band for one of the shoulders, ironically my bad one. The dress would be more favorable if it weren't for the massive V line down the back, showing more skin than I was comfortable with and the fact that it ended mid-thigh. As long as I don't bend over, crouch, take huge steps, and dance like a desperate person, I think I'll be okay. My hand smoothed the front of the dress as I shift my body towards Victria a bit hesitant for her decision.

A huge smile was plastered on her red tinted lips as her head nodded vigorously. "Yes! Way better than the last few, you like?"

I glanced at the mirror in second thought before speaking up, "Yeah, a lot actually..." I gushed a bit at myself. It seemed uncomfortable to be commenting on my own appearance like I'm some self-absorbed bitch, but at the same time, it made me feel good about myself for once. I couldn't hold back the smile on my face as I turned to the bubbly girl in front of me. "I think this is the one."

She gave a few quick claps of excitement before standing off of my bed, "Now this will be my favorite part." She bent over and picked up a large and shiny, black bag before giving a sly smile. It was her makeup bag, consisting of almost anything someone could imagine, and this is what Victoria loves doing to me. I personally don't mind her little tests, it's just good for her to have a passion, and I'm not associated with makeup so I kind of need some help.

Victoria motioned me to come so she could do her thing as always. I sat on the edge of my bed while she was seated in front of me on a small stool. Her eyebrows narrowed in concentration as she took her skills onto light brush strokes.

After about a few minutes, she stepped back and let me examine her work. I pursed my lips as I gave myself a look in the mirror, "I guess this is it, huh?"

"Well yeah, you look gorgeous thanks to me." She said, placing a few items into her bag before giving a smile. "Going into cosmetology wasn't a waste of time, like my parents said."

I shrug, "At least you found something your good at."

"Oh yes, can't wait to get out of that waitering job." She stated, but let out a heavy sigh and wrapped her arms around me tightly, "I'm going to miss seeing you every day though."

A small smile appeared on my face as I lightly rubbed her back in return, "Same here." It was saddening to think of Victoria actually going through with this, but whatever makes her happy I'll support. She's been there for me at my hardest moments, and I think this opportunity should pay her back. As long as I get her home safely tonight that is.

I slipped on some high-heels that matched with the dress and steadied myself before looking at Victoria, which was touching up herself a bit. Her long brown hair and very pale skin made it practically impossible for anything not to go with whatever she wears, especially that red dress of hers. How can someone be so flawless in looks and personality? That's one question this world may never know.

Victoria placed the bag onto my bed before straightening herself up, "We are both a pair of smokin' hot babes, and tonight I will make this the best night of your existence!" Her hands flew into the air, exaggerating to get the point across.

This is what I love about her, always positive, unlike me for instance. I'll practically just be her bodyguard. A very handicapped but capable of kicking ass if needed bodyguard.

She slung an arm around my shoulder before letting her head rest on mine, "So are you ready Karmine, my delicious babe?"

I bit the insides of my cheek nervously, evaluating my mental capacity, "Let's get this over with." Truthfully, no. Even though Beau was coming off a bit over protective and against me doing any of these things with her, he is right about being cautious. I honestly just want my mind to be preoccupied for once. This is better than wallowing in my self-pity for yet another weekend alone. He just doesn't get it.

Her lips spread into a smile, and before I knew it, she was tugging me out of the safety of my little apartment.

This is it, no turning back or canceling now. This night is all about getting me back into socialization with the world and the people around me. Hopefully I won't have a nervous breakdown in Victoria's Durango on our way there, I'm feeling one coming on though.

__________

A picture of Victoria the vampire friend ;-)