I didn't sleep that night. Not a single wink. It wasn't because I knew that I had been raped. It wasn't because I had found out Greg and some of his slimy friends did it. It was because I knew the bastard was still here, and he could very well jump out and grab Jordan at any possible time and he wouldn't be prepared because he didn't know Greg was still here. He thought he was gone. He thought he was safe.
He had told be days ago how much he valued the feeling of safety. And that was why I contemplated so much on telling him that Greg was still here. It would ruin his good moods.

Not that they aren't ruined already, he's constantly sad over what happened to me when I barely give a damn anymore. But that was Jordan. The little squish always cared for others more than himself. It was going to get him killed one day.

He was being incredibly strong for me. He was taking care of me like I always did him, and it was adorable. He took me my meals, he fetched everything I attempted to get up from bed to retrieve (hell if he letting me move from the bed), and he almost never left my side. He was spooning me now, he the big spoon and I the little. It was unusual but I liked it. I may have requested he take his shirt off so I could snuggle into his warm bare chest. Did I mention I have a thing for hairy guys? Jordan was a fucking wooly mammoth, he was my teenage dream. I'd never met someone who could grow out hair like he could. And it was curly. I was in heaven.

Maybe he wasn't fully asleep after all, because I could hear him stifle a laugh every time I nuzzled my face into his chest. The little faker kept his eyes closed like that would convince me.

"I know you're awake, you squish."

"You can't expect me to be asleep with all of your tugging on my chest hairs."

I pulled said chest hair particularly hard and it caused a groan to emit from the hairy man.
"Tom that hurts," he laughed into my hair.

"Oh? I was under the impression you were a masochist."

"Well I'm not, so please be gentle. I should've waxed my chest again while Erin was here."

"Nooo...please keep it."

"I don't understand why you like it so much. It's gross to me, but it's like catnip for you."

I purred into a bundle of black curls. "I'm in looove..."

"Glad you're feeling better. But why aren't you sleeping?"

"Not tired. And when I'm asleep, I can't enjoy your beautiful black locks."

"You should try to get some sleep."

"Mum, I'm fine."

"I hope so." I felt him tangle his fingers through my hair and begin massaging it. It didn't feel as good as when Erin did it, but the heat radiating from his sausage fingers was strangely relaxing.

"M' fine. Keep doin' that...that feels good."

"As good as Erin?"

"Put some fake nails on, and I'll be in heaven."

"Unfortunately, I have none on me. And I don't think I'd like those anyway. Erin spends hours tending to them."

"But you'd look so pretty, Sparklez. We could get you some glitter ones! Some pink glitter nails-"

"I'm good. Maybe another time, when I'm more used to...um, drag."

"You have to wear that dress again before we leave. Please."

"I might. If you're good."

"Psh. When have I ever been bad?"

I could practically sense him rolling his eyes. "Right, because my Tommy is a perfect angel."

I tugged hard on his chest hair. He gave another surprised groan and shifted away. I could feel something against my back that wasn't there before.

"Oh my god, Jordan you really are a masochist."

"What? No I'm not!"

"You have an erection right now!"

"That's from something else!"

"From what? Come on, I'm not gonna kink shame you! Admit your sins!" I pulled again and this time I could definitely feel it.

"Tom!" He giggled, grabbing my wrist and squeezing it lightly. "Stop, that hurts!"

"Confess your sins, Sparkly Pants!"

"Fine! I like it, but it still hurts!"

I released him. He let out an aggravated sigh and relaxed. His mini Jordan was still standing at full attention though. I gave him a little brush with my hand. Jordan choked above me.
"Please don't."

"I feel like you need some relief. I can give that to you?"

"Not tonight."

"But Jardon. You seem so stressed. Let Tommy take care of yo troubles." I brushed over him again. He sucked in a sharp breath.

"I'm surprised you're even suggesting this right now."

"What? Am I not allowed to make you feel good after what happened to me?"

"If you feel up to it, you can. I just don't want you to feel pressured or forced to do anything you don't want to."

I transitioned us into a sitting position, where he had his legs splayed out and I was between them. "Trust me, I am perfectly alright with this." After wedging my fingers into the waistband of his underwear, I tugged them down and began to work.

I couldn't do it. After a minute of getting him relaxed and compliant, building up the momentum, I leant down and it was like someone had flicked a switch off. I felt sick. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like something was blocking my throat and something else was covering my nose. So I sat there and panicked in silence while Jordan waited for me to get started.

After a minute of sitting there with my chest heaving violently, Jordan finally looked up to see what was the matter. We met eyes. His were filled with instant panic. "Oh no. What's wrong? Panic attack?"

I shook my head and motioned towards my throat. He rushed up to get presumably what I thought was a glass of water, but he came back with three different things. Water, my medicine, and his inhaler. I chugged the water, swallowed down the pills, and tried my best to work the inhaler. Finally after many fumbled attempts with my shaky hands, Jordan took it from me and did it himself. It was like taking a super fresh breath of air. I could breathe again. It felt so nice to be able to breathe again.

"Lay down, okay?" He pushed on my chest and I fell limply onto the sheets. "Lets try to get you to sleep. Are you hot? Or cold?"

Cold. Definitely cold. I hugged my arms around myself and shivered. When did it get so cold in here?

Blankets were around me in an instant. And so were a pair of warm arms. "I should've told you no. I'm sorry. Those pills should kick in at any second, Dec said they worked fast. Anything you need?"

I shook my head. I just needed him. And I had him.

He brushed my hair and hummed softly until I drifted off into dream world.

~

I wish I could say there was something more terrifying than being trapped in you own head, forced to stay stuck, and endure, but truly there was nothing more gut wrenching than not being able to wake up.

It was like being trapped in my own nightmares. It was reliving things that I thought I would never have to experience again, and not being able to escape into Jordans arms to get away. I never imagined I had so many incidents, horrifying and humiliating incidents, where I had suffered so much. I couldn't believe how easy it had been before to block them out. How did I manage to forget all of it?

Oh right. Alcohol.

I relived so much in so little time. My dad kicking me out both times. Nade and I's break up. All the whispering I endured through highschool, that included barely intelligible words slut, whore, fag. The bullying. The trauma of being pissed on by the whole football team and having all the cheerleaders laugh, take pictures even and send them to all my friends. The time I'd been tricked into meeting a false guy for a date, and instead of a caring and sweet gentlemen waiting for me behind the bleachers on the football field, I was greeted with drunk athletes of all sorts, who took their precious time with beating the shit out of me and pouring their half empty beer cans on me and my new outfit that had taken me a solid month to save money for. Those aren't even the worst memories. My late teenage years were the worst. That was of course after Nade left and I had nobody to depend on.

There's this special kind of hangover that really really sucks. Waking up with a headache, a fever, and stomach aches ready to kill was nothing compared to the other side affects. Alcohol made me feel so much better when I first drank it. But when it leaves your system and you're so sick and lonely and tired of being alive and giving yourself up to people who only care about your body...well, that's a new kind of hell. I relived those especially. In fact, during the whole dream I felt that way.

But I guess it wasn't completely horrible. I had a dream about Jordan, after I endured the hundreds of nightmares. It was my one relief in all the pain and embarrassment. He was wearing his pretty dress. We were dancing. It was nice.

And then he was gone. And then Greg's grinning face appeared in his stead.

I didn't want to even think of what my twisted mind could come up with while he was in it. I screamed my throat raw until finally I could open my damn eyes again. Jordan was cradling me in his lap. I could feel his heart racing in his chest, and his breathing wasn't doing too good either. I must've scared him shitless.

"Don't...Don't you ever...give me one of those godforsaken pills ever again."

"Wasn't planning on it," he laughed weakly.

"How long was I out?" I could see sunshine peeking out from the curtains.

"Eight hours. You sure weren't peaceful, like Dec said you would be."

"I had...so many nightmares."

"God, I'm sorry Tommy. I'm trying so hard but it seems like everything I do makes you ten times worse."

"Hey, it's alright. You're trying your best. I'll be fine eventually." I looked up at him for the first time since I'd woken up. He looked the definition of exhausted.

"Eventually..." He repeated sadly.

"You need sleep." I poked him in the cheek to belay my point. He rolled his eyes.

"I'm not getting any. My heart won't stop doing jumping jacks."

"Take a shower and a nap. I might go watch TV or something."

"Don't you want cuddles? You look really needful of cuddles."

I do want cuddles. But he needs naps more.

"Go nap. You can cuddle me while you nap."

He didn't need another affirmative. He leaned his head back on the head board and passed out immediately. With a giggle, I gently pulled him down on the sheets until he looked comfortable, and wriggled myself into his arms. They tightened around me like a vice and stayed there, even as he snored loudly in his sleep. It must be an instinct now, to hold me.

I fell asleep again.

~

I realized my mistake as soon as I wasn't able to lift my eyes open again. But the dreams, unlike last time, weren't scary. No.

They were fucking sexy.

I dreamed of taking Jordan's virginity. It was horrifying when I realized what I was about to do, but once the horror was over, how could I not be happy about him being so damn willing? He was dressed in white lace lingerie, leg stockings with pretty pink ribbons and a white corset with pink stitching to match. He was wearing a bow on the side of his head and the nails that I suggested earlier? You better believe he was rocking them hardcore. He waited leaned against the pillows, with his legs wide open and his head thrown back, begging me to take him. It was a shockingly blunt dream that I shamelessly took part in. My mind even took its courteous time to put extra detail into Jordan's strung out look underneath me. The bow was long since gone and his hair was stuck out in every direction, the corset unbuttoned at the top and the white lace panties he'd been rocking were hanging above us on the bed post. I may have accidentally ripped both lace stockings to shreds in my attempt to utterly destroy his body. Oops.

My biggest fear that I always thought of during our almost attempts of sex, surprisingly didn't happen in the dream. He wasn't in pain. If he had been, I sure as hell didn't notice it. But then again, I'd just recently found out that pain was a turn on for him. Maybe this first time precaution thing was silly. Jordan wanted me to take his virginity. I should give him that. It's all I can do after all, given that he's literally done everything for me and I haven't done shit for him.

I decided then that I would work out a plan next week, when all of his friends would be gone and we would be completely alone. And hopefully Greg wouldn't be around anymore. I intended to call the police as soon as I woke up to tell them about Greg's whereabouts and participation in my rape. Sure I didn't have any proof, but Erin showing me on her phone the exact same bruises on me, except they had been on Jordan, was proof enough. They were identical almost. The fingerprints were the same. The handprint was in the exact spot it had been on Jordan nearly two years ago.

Jordans moans were always heaven to me. But his screaming? Pleasurable screaming? It was like a personal high for me. I almost wanted to whine in protest when I felt myself waking up before I was finished. Just a few more minutes, I promised. I'm not waking up yet from the greatest dream I've ever had.

"Scream my name, baby girl."

"TOMMY!"

"Who's your daddy? Your only daddy?"

"TOMMY PLEASE!"

"That's it princess, you're doing so good for me..." I kissed his ankle and the action alone made him shudder all over with pleasure. Maybe it had been too much for him, because he ultimately finished 0.2 seconds after I did it.

"How was your first time, kitten?"

"Again...again...Tom-my again."

"I'll take that as a ten outta ten. Bath time?"

He shook his cute flustered little head. "N-No...again. Please."

"But you look so tired, princess. Sure you don't want a bath before next round?"

He only let out a choked noise of protest. There was spit dribbling down his flushed cheeks. His eyes were dilated, fully blown. I could see chill bumps all over his body.

It was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen in my whole life. He was completely out of his mind.

"How does it feel to no longer be a virgin?" I smirked as I pushed his legs apart once more.

His swollen lips parted to whisper something barely intelligible. "Feels...so good."

"Tom?"

I groaned in distress at having my wet dream being interrupted. My head was pushed into a pillow and I turned it a little to glare one eye at Jordan, who was grinning apologetically down at me. "Sorry to wake you up. You seemed like you were having a really good dream."

"I was," I whined childishly. "Jesus, it was amazing."

"Yeah, I could tell." He eyes lowered down to my shorts, where I already knew there was an obvious give away of my excitement.

I growled and hid my face back into the pillow. "What did you wake me up for, you dream ruiner?"

"The police found your phone. And the house everything happened in. They came by just now to return everything you left there."

They found the house?

I peeked my face out again. "Did-Did they find out who did it?"

He gave a slow sympathetic shake of his head. "No. Not yet. They're trying to get in contact with the owner of the place right now, but so far they've got no leads. Everything in the room was stripped down and cleaned up, and your clothes had been washed and dried when the police found them in a pile on the mattress. They found your phone, too."

"Did they check my phone for anything?"

"They checked everything, Tommy. I'm sorry."
I huffed. Of course I'd known who did it, but I wanted to get the other guys too. And I couldn't necessarily prove that Greg had done it anyway. Suggesting it would just scare Jordan shitless and make everything all for nothing. Maybe Greg didn't even do it. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, Jordan said he left on a plane the other day.

"You're sure you don't remember anything? At all?" He was rubbing my lower back comfortingly, making the tense muscles relax a little. I sighed.

"I keep hearing stuff. But that's it. God, if I knew where that Steve guy was..."

"Who is he by the way? You never really said. I just know he was responsible for the beers."

"I was pouting over you leaving with Erin and your friends that night, so I ordered a bunch of room service. Steve was the guy who kept delivering everything. We talked for a bit, I invited him in-"

At this, Jordan slouched his shoulders, disappointed. I cursed my self for being so stupid.

"-for a little while to watch cartoons and stuff, talk a bit maybe. He ordered us beer and we split them. I got drunk and started moping over you. He made me get into bed because I was sick, and then-..." Then I begged him to sleep with me.

"Then what?" Jordan prompted.

"Then...I wanted him to sleep with me, not sexually by the way. I just didn't want to sleep alone. I'm sorry. It was stupid."

"It's okay. I understand."

I nodded. "And that's all I remember. I honestly don't understand how I ended up all the way across London in some abandoned street."

"Well...the police man said Steve lost you after you went to the bathroom, right?"

"I think so yeah."

"So maybe somebody or some people took you to that street so nobody would find you while they-...well, you know."

I frowned. "I wouldn't doubt it."

His skillful fingers moved to that place where my back and my ass met, and I moaned in delight as he worked to relax the tense muscles. He moved lower. Lower. Lower. When he started kneading my ass cheeks, that's when I started to get that stupid sick feeling again.

Nice ass, pretty boy.

I ignored it. I ignored it and I didn't let it affect me. I also ignored the fact that I was slowly starting to recover bits of memories, and soon I would probably actually remember the whole thing. I begged the universe that it wouldn't happen. I don't think I could take remembering the whole thing.

Jordan's hands went to my thighs next. He started on the outside and then slowly gravitated to my inner thighs, where he paid special attention to. One of his thumbs brushed over a bruise.

Disgusting little whore. Keep your legs open, whore.

"Jordan?" I asked in a slightly strained tone.

"Yes?" He answered sweetly.

"Can you-...can you take a break maybe?"

"Sure. I thought you were enjoying it though. Do I actually suck?"

Look at him, he likes it. He's enjoying himself.

Three in one day. That's not good.

Jordan collapsed onto the spot beside me, wrapping an arm around my torso and pulling me close. He must've sensed something was wrong. Or maybe I made that apparent.

"Tell me about your wet dream, Thomas."

I snorted. "It was wet, I'll tell ya that."

"I want details!" He giggled wildly.

"You aren't gonna get em. My sex life is
private, especially my dream sex life." And there's no way I'm sharing with anyone that wonderful dream memory of Jordan with spit dribbling down his cheeks and his wide dilated eyes the size of a doe's, his hair messed up and covered in-...I should stop before I get another boner.

"Was it about me?" He whispered seductively.

"Hell yes."

He got excited. "Our first time?"

"Mmmmhm."

"Was I in any pain during it?"

"Well...no, but-"

"Tom, it's a sign!"

"I was thinking that too. Sooner or later I'm gonna have to do something about that." I winked at him. He grinned shyly.

"I hope it's sooner rather than later," he hinted without an ounce of subtlety in his voice.

"It'll be whenever I can properly stomach a damn kiss without feeling like I lost my lunch."
The grin faded into a worried frown. "Don't worry about doing it soon. Take as much time as you need."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"So...um. Cartoons?"

His pursed lips slowly turned upwards into a sweet, adorable smile. "Sure. Would you like an escort to the couch?"

~~~

I'm dying. Like literally living and at the same time dying.

Sorry the update took a week to post :( I've been doing school stuff and then yesterday when I planned to update, I got sick and ugghhh. I'm so miserable right now. Gay fanfiction seems to be the only thing that helps me in this time of need xD

How have you guys been? What's school like if you have it? Are you fed up with my once a week updates? If so, then same.

I'll see you later when I'm hopefully not dying from illness >.< bye lovelies!!

- Lee