"Does it hurt?"

Thinking back, Nico probably shouldn't have gone on with a question he was so sure would lead to unpleasant discussions. But again, Nico had never been one to seek nice things. All he saw had been cruel and ugly, he forgot how to look for those that were not.

Jason's eyes shifted to him from where they were tracing the lines of the textbooks - a litany of numbers and English that Nico could barely grasp with his picked-up language skills and five-grade education. The only thing he understood was that it made Jason happy. Happy - as in the way that Nico regretted he had become a burden to it, the absence of weights vanished the moment Nico entered the picture.

"Does what hurt?" Jason asked gently, carefully. He had left his pen in between the pages, a half-written sentence abandoned between the lines. The glasses glinted when he casually adjusted them, fractures of light that made his azure eyes suddenly so much clearer. All of his attention was on Nico now, as it always was, always looking out for him.

Nico started to regret speaking up in the first place. He stared down at the table, where their mess of books, notes, teacups, and mugs was scattered across in such a careless manner it felt almost peaceful. The sky had the mercy to be simply breezy today, with just enough sunlight for a day out on the outdoor patio that was supposed to be relaxing. But Nico's mind had never understood mercy really well. Wringing his hands, he briefly wondered if he could take back the words, swallowing them down with the tea he couldn't taste, and let their afternoon drag on eventless as usual. It was just a stupid thought of his, Jason shouldn't be bothered.

But Nico knew, better than anyone, Jason would be worried nonetheless. He would never force Nico when he didn't want to, yet Jason's kindness just had to keep collecting every shatter that broke out of Nico as if they were too much of a beautiful vase he couldn't afford to throw away despite its ruined state. They hurt him - Nico knew they did. How could they not, with all those sharp edges and ugly shapes? - but Jason never let go. (Before, Noco had never understood why. Now, when he was at least aware of the reason, it was exactly why it hurt all the way more.)

His attentive gaze fell heavy on Nico, just because the son of Jupiter made it seem like Nico was the only thing he wanted to see - as if he was the sole star Jason liked watching amongst all the insignificant clouds even when Nico himself felt like a black hole most of the time. It made Nico want to curl up into a tiny ball and disappear, like a dot carelessly put at the end of the line. Unnoticeable. Anything to escape the weight of the other's care. Anything to not be a smear of ink in Jason's untainted sky——

"Nico," a soft voice called, "Take it easy. Everything would be alright."

Jason said as though he would make sure of it no matter how dire things could get once a particular son of Hades was involved.

Nico hadn't realized his hands were trembling.

Curling his stiff fingers inwards, Nico clawed on the thick fabric cladding his thighs, forcing the quivering to stop. He took a few deep breaths as Hypnos had taught him, counting his slowing heartbeats.

"Are you hurt?" Jason inquired, and then smiled encouragingly when Nico shook his head, "Okay, what is that you want to ask?"

His eyes were so sincere. Nico willed himself to look into that azure color, where his own reflection shone as if they hadn't been something horrific, and searched for words that hadn't been lost under the pages. He needed to know this.

"Does it hurt - to be with me?"

He blurted out and then watched as Jason frowned in a soft sternness Nico had come to associate with the son of Jupiter.

"Nico, I promise, you're not a bur---"

"No, it's not that." Nico frantically shook his head, causing the crease on Jason's brows to deepen in confusion. "I mean, you know, it's that... I don't understand—why would you... l..."

Nico couldn't bring himself to spell it out, despite all those times Jason had said it to him, in that naturally firm and overwhelmingly warm voice of his. His vocal cord hurt, like it had always been since months ago. The word jumbled on his tongue like a baby learning how to walk for the first time, weak limbs stuck in his throat. It felt too foreign. The words simply didn't - shouldn't - match. He could barely meet Jason's gaze.

"I just can't understand how you have come to like me that way when I'm in this... state." He settled. Like, because it was easier to think of it as feathery, with no burden to come.

To his confusion, Jason's expression shifted to one of frozen anger. Nico barely noticed his tightly strengthened posture and his tensely set jaw. His voice came out harsher than he would use to Nico. "What is this coming from? Did Cupid say something stupid again?"

The sudden mention of their least favorite god caught Nico off guard. "Cupid? What does he have to do with this?" Almost instantly, Nico felt Phlegethon's flame flare up inside himself. His ribs felt tight around his accelerating heart. Fury strung his weary muscles painfully when Nico's impulsiveness nearly flung him out of the armchair, right at Jason's face. "What did he do? Why do I not know anything? Are you hiding something from me?"

Jason was out of his chair and beside him in the next second. The son of Jupiter grabbed his arms, supporting him just as the back of Nico's knee hit the wood frame and his weakened joints gave up on themselves. Pain shot through his bones.

Slowly, Jason helped him down to the fluffy, harmless cushions. Winds picked up around them, a soothing touch through his hair and against his numbing skin. Jason's fingers wrapped around Nico's twig of an arm, radiating warmth. A lifeline.

Nico exhaled heavily through a wince. "Sorry," he mumbled and ducked his head, ashamed of his own outburst. Out of the corners of his eyes, the shadows retreated to where they had been lurking under the leaves, letting go of the strings connecting them to his unstable mind.

"It's okay," was Jason's only reply.

Nico wanted to hit himself. His snaps hadn't been better since the day Tartarus flowed down his throat and thoroughly seeped through his skin - no matter how much Zagreus attempted to convince him otherwise. He lashed out too much and worse, was always at the wrong person. He was sick, but that couldn't be any excuse. Jason didn't deserve any of this.

The warmth on his bicep turned from warm to burning. Nico wriggled his arm out of Jason's grasp and curled into himself, head down and desperately trying to sink into the pillows.

He didn't succeed, though, as Jason had taken his hand in an innocuous plea to be heard and Nico had promised to at least try as he could to hold onto it whenever he felt like running away. It means there's a chance, Jason had said, because he knew Nico was too much of a hardhead to break a promise.

So, he curled his skeletal fingers around Jason's much larger ones, and then watched them envelop his entirely when the son of Jupiter spoke up again.

"I shouldn't have mentioned him."

Nico could feel his mouth go dry. "So you did talk to him, then?"

Jason nodded. Nico swallowed drily. Dreads tread down his back. "What..."

Nico didn't know he wanted to ask, didn't know what he was expecting. A visit from Cupid could never mean anything good. The god had never been on Nico's list of tolerable deities, and if there was anything he had learned during their rare encounter, to have an audience with a Love deity never meant anything other than bad, awful, disastrous, traumatizing.

And to think that Nico had gotten Jason into this mess. If he was less unfortunate, maybe Cupid had done the right thing for once and showed Jason the path he should have chosen. Yeah, it would be for the best.

For some reason, the idea pained him as much as it was relieving.

Jason cut off his train of thought before it plummeted deeper. "He questioned me the same thing as you just did, I suppose."

Nico stared at him. The son of Jupiter smiled kindly. He had settled down on his heels, looking surprisingly at ease on the ground in front of Nico, still holding his hands. Despite their different positions, he barely needed to lift his head to meet the other's eyes. Tartarus hadn't let Nico grow a single inch since the first time it had gotten a grasp of him, whereas Jasson continued to sprout like a gale reaching for the clouds.

"You ask me if it hurt to love you, right?"

He said the word so easily, so unlike Nico, who only had nightmares for references to the whole concept. He had never understood how Jason did it so fearlessly, and now he was about to find out, hopefully.

Shakily, Nico nodded, staring at their entwined hands rather than seeing the adoration undoubtedly flooding Jason's eyes.

There was a hum, soft like a spring breeze. "I'm not going to lie. It does, sometimes," Nico's heart missed a beat, "whenever you are hurt, that is."

Nico lost a breath he didn't know he was holding. Mind blank, he watched Jason, who had unwinded Nico's clenching fists and started caressing his barren, scaling skin casually as if he hadn't thrown yet another misleading thing into Nico's mess of a mind.

"But loving you has never been a pain, Nico."

Jason stroked his palms, brushes of his thumbs drawing meaningless lines across the sickly pale, bony hands. Nico watched them move with a dedication that would put a martyr to shame, slumping against the cushions. Weariness wearing him down like a wet blanket and he let them roll off him through the careful presses of Jason's fingers.

"It should be if I keep mistreating you," Nico murmured weakly, knowing not what he was trying to prove. The other's touch melted the ice on his spine, and the afternoon breezes started to feel hypnotic.

"And I know you don't mean it," Jason replied without hesitation, "You are simply going through a tough time. It's not your fault."

Nico shook his head, and then immediately felt dizzy from the movement along with all the somber thinking he brought upon himself. "But you don't deserve it."

"I want to," Jason only smiled. He held Nico's arm to help stabilize him. Their gazes met, and Nico could see the other's eyes crinkled at the ends, sincere and carefree like he wasn't afraid that all the smothering embers and stygian smoke that had clung to Nico since Tartarus would pollute the azure sky inside.

"I... I don't understand."

Nico never did. Probably because his head couldn't shelter another thing besides hallucinations and flashbacks. He kept thinking about Tartarus, about its bright-as-daylight embers and his darkness-cloaked heart, and all the sorrows that followed. Nico never wanted Jason to succumb to it. The son of Jupiter should have been in somewhere far away from Nico, doing his homework peacefully without being interrupted by stupid questions, and perhaps enjoying his peaceful days of semi-mortal life with no snappy, bitter demigod shouting at him before having a breakdown the very next second. There couldn't be anything attractive about having to endure Nico's mood swings and unexpected, unrequired wraths, those that had never been Jason's fault in the first place. It was wrong to put him through such torment.

But Jason wouldn't turn away. The son of Jupiter was even more persistent than Nico, it seemed. His hero-worthy resolution was harder to break than even Hazel's diamonds. Impossible - even faced with Nico's horrific, hideous, dark, dark things, as shown now, when he kept on caressing Nico's frail hands as though there had been more than brittle bones and flaky skin to feel. When it came to someone he held dear, Jason Grace was nothing short of a natural force as proven by the ichor diluted in his veins. Unstoppable.

Nico had loved before, desperately and fiercely all the same. One Perseus Jackson remained in his life as the reason for most of his reckless doings back when his flesh and bones hadn't been marinated in Erebus' spine-chilling darkness and Tartarus' magma blood. And it scared Nico. It scared him to think that Jason's kindness and loyalty would bind him to Nico as they descended straight to a hell of Underworld ice and Phlegethon's flame, with no troglodyte's underpass to escape through nor any god to fish them out. It scared him to think that the affection Jason had come to harbor for him out of gods-know-what would bring nothing but misery the way Nico had felt so cold in the arm of loneliness. And the mere thought that he might hurt Jason - heroic, kindhearted, dearly beloved Jason - with his helplessness to reciprocate was something Nico could never shoulder.

Love was a scary thing, for which Nico couldn't afford to let Jason end up broken like him. Such a praiseworthy one shouldn't be wasted on a lost cause as an unfixable son of Hades.

He bit down on his lips, hard. Jason would be heartbroken if he heard Nico call himself that.

"Have I ever told you why I love you?" Jason asked softly, like asking what he would want for dinner.

Nico shook his head. His ears burned slightly. His mind was too much of a mess his thoughts came up blank. So he gave up and let them drift along the winds instead.

Jason was smiling wide when he told him, "You are beautiful, kind, strong, admirable, amazing, and many more wonderful things I fail to find words capable of describing."

He closed his hands on either side of Nico's finely trembling ones, enclosing them in his scarred hands like some precious thing. The calluses tickled Nico's numbing skin. Comforting. "I have loved you since the day I saw the bravery with which you faced yourself. I loved you when your back was against mine and we were against more monsters than each of us could take. I loved you because you came to soothe my grief after Leo's death, despite all the injuries still weighing on you."

Jason paused to let the information sink in, and Nico was extremely grateful for that because his mind was reeling under the blatant adoring declaration. He was aware of the other's overwhelming affection towards himself, sure (Jason had made it quite clear), but never once in a million years had Nico expected Jason Grace to hold feelings for him from such a long time ago. Gods, to think that he had put Jason through all that years of silence... A lump formed in his throat.

The son of Jupiter went on before Nico could let out a choke, his gaze was still so soft, so tender, "I loved it when you smiled at the little girl I didn't know was Vesta. I loved it when you summoned a whole army to help with the shrines since you feared that I'd work myself to death. I loved it when you let yourself relax and we talked with each other for hours on end when the zombie guys did their work. And you would laugh. Have I ever said I like your laugh?"

Jason grinned at him, and Nico nodded dumbly, still digesting all the speeches. The images came to him, not daunting as his flashbacks would be, but pleasant and full of light under the nameless trees far away from Camps, deep in a corner of the woods only they knew, when the shadows in which they hid from the summer sun had yet to tried swallowing Nico whole. The memories felt both strange and familiar. Familiar because he had been there, and strange for Nico had forgotten how it was to not have a primordial messing with your mind most of the time. Leave it to Jason to remember them all.

The pressure lessened. Nico found himself wishing he could return to those days again. He was nothing but a lost wanderer missing the old sky of a faraway time, seeking the familiar restful place after all the cruelty the outside world had shown him.

Slowly, Jason's grin waned, and soon he was smiling softly at Nico again. However, as Nico noticed the heavy curve at the corners of the other's eyes, the rain welling up behind Jason's sky-blue irises, he realized the pain he had caused to the one who loved - yes, loved, he could say it now - him more than he could ever do to himself.

"And even though I can't say that I was thrilled about the idea, I love that you value your friends enough to jump in the Pit not once, but twice for them."

The son of Jupiter clutched his hands. Nico had the impression that his trips to Tartarus hurt the son of Jupiter just as much as they traumatized Nico himself. The realization seized his lungs as he listened to Jason's deep sigh. The familiar pain spread through every beat of tremble his body took. Nico couldn't bring himself to care.

"I'm sorry." He murmured, almost lost in the gap between them with how useless they sounded. Useless because he didn't think it could help. Nothing could help. But still, Nico wished to wipe away the sadness in Jason's gaze, knowing he was the one who brought it upon the son of Jupiter.

Jason's head tilted forward, followed by his body - until he was resting his forehead on their connecting hands and there was a solid, comforting weight on Nico's thighs. Nico could see better the back of his golden hair, bright in the middle of the black pool Nico called clothes. He didn't know when Jason decided to grow it out - probably while he was still trudging through Tartarus - but it was long enough to swing along the afternoon breezes like tiny, short reeds now.

Silently, Nico heard a deep breath, air wisping across his cold skin, and it felt like Jason was trying to inhale as strongly as he could to salvage their scent, engraining them into his senses.

Like Nico was worth salvaging.

When Jason finally lifted his head, the rain behind his blue clouds had vanished, replaced by a warm glow.

"Don't be. I'm just glad you came back," he said, then took another steady breath, "What I'm trying to say is that I fell in love with you because of how wonderful I know you are. There's nothing else to it, but myself having the honor to witness your greatness, and being in love ever since."

The sincerity in his voice, in his eyes, and the way his hands treasured what was in them made Nico's chest ready to combust.

"I stay because I want to, Nico."

He swallowed the lump in his throat.

Nico opened his mouth, then closed it. There was nothing but wet sand on his tongue and too many colors on his blank canvas of a mind. Jason had given him too many colors for his damaged brain to keep up. He had been a prisoner in his misery for so long that the sky Jason showed him seemed so much more immense. None of the horrible things he had known could measure up to it.

"It can't be worth all of this," Nico choked out, "You could have had better things."

He got a shaking head in return. "I have no need for better things. Everything would be meaningless if I can't live truthfully with myself," Jason shrugged. His thumbs rubbed circles on the back of Nico's hands. "You remember what I told you, about the thing with my stepmother?"

Nico nodded. He did remember. Jason had told him before - back when Nico could hear more than whispering death - about the scars Juno had carved by her abhorrent (Nico's words, not Jason's) manipulation, those that had cut through more than flesh and skin and left his soul open. Nico knew Jason disliked being powerless to make decisions for himself.

"This is my freedom."

And to be free was what he desired.

"Staying with you is a choice, Nico - one that I can't be more proud that I've made."

"I'm a horrible option, Jason."

"No, you are the one I love." Jason didn't waver. "My love for you is a piece of me. So please, let me live with the choices I've made, rather than someone else's happiness."

Nico hadn't known he was crying until he saw a drop of translucent tear shatter on Jason's hand. His vision blurred. He blinked, and another, then another, fell, splattering on the callous skin.

As if Jason's feelings could flow right into him through their linked hands - the desperation, the overflowing adoration, the utmost sincerity - all of them filled his chest and spilled over his eyelashes in a downpour. Frantically, Nico jerked his hands back. Jason let go, yet not without taking a hold of his wrists instead. Nico could feel his whole body shake violently, but the hand that wiped across his blotchy cheeks was steady, each movement was full of dedication that made his teardrops something more than pearls.

Soon, Nico was choking on loud, uncontrollable sobs. He couldn't stop the pitiful cry even if he tried. His walls all crumbled, and the only thing he could feel was Jason's skin against his wrists and his stained cheeks. Hot to the touch. Never leaving.

Nico realized he didn't want Jason to leave. It was selfish of him - to shackle the son of Jupiter when there was nothing he could guarantee of offering, when there were happier scenarios he could give Jason instead of suffering along with him. But he didn't want Jason to leave. And if there was anything Nico had found in Jason's love, it was that he hoped Nico to be more selfish.

It felt like he would only trample his lover if he was to deny it further, Jason had made it quite clear. How magical it was - the way Jason Grace loved. Nico didn't think he could ever repay it fairly.

But he could try.

Swallowed the sobs, Nico wrenched his arms and gripped Jason's sleeve, "Are you... Do you... Do you mean it?"

The blue skies didn't waver even with his reflection inside them. "I wish to be with you, always - as long as you would let me."

Another tug and Jason let him go this time. Nico didn't know where he got his strength while all his muscles were straining under the onslaught of crying and shaking, but he didn't hesitate to throw his skinny arms around Jason's shoulders and pulled with all his might until the golden hair brushed his face, feeling the other's presence indelible against him. Someone who wanted to be with him - despite all Nico could give was the darkness and gloom.

"Thank you," He managed between watery hiccups, repeating over and over like prayers despite the burning embers grating on his voice box "Thank you, thank you, thank you..."

Gently, Jason brought up his arms to hug him back. A large hand patted his back soothingly. Nico held on tighter, an inadequate hug for everything Jason had done to him. His love was a blessing, a balm to his pain.

There was so much more Nico wanted to tell him, about how his unyielding love had been Nico's lifeline all this time, about that Nico wished for that love to be not in vain. But at this moment, he was content to just let them stay in this embrace - when all Nico could hear was the rhythmic beating of another's heart next to his. It felt strange to feel loved again, once he let himself accept. His legs were cramped and his bony knees were probably digging into Jason's stomach with how he pressed his face into the purple hoodie, but Jason didn't complain. He simply ran his fingers through Nico's mess of a raven nest and slowly rocked them back and forth. A calming rhythm that Nico couldn't help but lost himself in the silent lullaby.

"Nico, friend," he heard a rumbling voice, "Are you crying?"

Nico felt the soft motion of Jason signing to the newcomer against his hair. Reluctantly, he extracted himself a little to face the caring worry on the Titan's face. There was wary and concern written all over his expression as he approached them gingerly, no doubt catching wind of Nico's cries.

Small Bob came perching on Jason's shoulder to mewl at him. Nico petted it softly.

"I'm okay, Bob," He told his friend, sniffing, smiling, "It's happy tears."

The Titan frowned in confusion, a hand hovering over Nico's flimsy form, ready to heal him from any visible injuries. But there was nothing but the pleasant stretch hurting his face. "So you're happy, then?"

"I am."

His cheeks hurt, but Nico didn't stop. He hadn't been happy for a long time, he didn't know how to contain it. Even Small Bob mewled in agreement. Stealing a glance at Jason, he was rewarded with the same joyous grin.

At his assurance, the lines on Bob's face loosened up, and the Titan beamed cheerily at Nico and Jason, beckoning them over with a waving hand, "That's great! Come, dinner's almost ready. I tried making the Carbonara you said. I hope you all like it."

Small Bob jumped off Jason at the mention of food. The son of Jupiter gave Nico the crutch before helping him up.

Before he could back away, though, Nico grabbed the other's hand in a vice grip. Jason's eyes widened in surprise.

Acutely aware of his burning ears, Nico smiled at the son of Jupiter and tugged. Jason followed him easily, a dopey grin on his face. Nico thought it was cute.

They made small steps towards the house, mainly because of Nico's predicament, but Jason seemed content to let their hands intertwine. The sun had started to set. Elongating shadows cast a hazy glow over Nico's grey blankets and Jason's unfinished homework. They left them all behind.

Fate had never been kind to the children of Hades. Nico was no exception, yet it didn't seem that nightmarish with Jason beside him.

For once, Nico hoped the future would be bright for both of them.