Hey what's up guys, this is going to be a new kind of story. Yes, it is a fantasy, a romance, it is a comedy, it is action, and many other things. Give it a vote if you want more! I'm not sure how much I will publish, my main focus is on The Mirage Hunt, and I will never break that schedule. This is an original story with a more casual schedule.

Gather around y'all. Welcome to the story of Captain Mortimer McClatchy. He was a man of variety, a repugnant charmer, an intelligent moron, and the most honorably crooked Captain that had ever sailed the Buccaneer's Blight.

Eighty of the brawniest sea dogs from across the Seven Seas formed Mortimer's crew and manned his most prized possession: The world's slipperiest sloop, The Marauder's Mistress. She had a single mast rigged with a crimson triangular sail and six massive golden cannons evenly spaced about her with twin swivel guns. At the top of the Mistress flew a bloodred Jolly Roger flag. Captain Mortimer ensured each man stocked the ship head to toe with muskets, flintlocks, daggers, and swords.

Captain Mortimer also had endless booty. Chests filled to the brim with gems, gold, silver, and other rare treasures. His looting also brought him rum, tobacco, spices, and more food than he or his crew would ever need to stuff their faces for years.

Mortimer's true belief was he could not rest until he ruled all and became a legend. A true pirate does not settle for more than enough. To him, an honest corsair would rather die in combat than slip into a life of normalcy and comfort. Captain Mortimer took his only option. He and his crew sailed west to The Cursed Isle in search of the most powerful artifact known to man: Immortal Joe's Tricorn. The hat was said to grant the wearer infinite life until they remove it. Mortimer knew it must be his if we wanted to become King of the Sea.

Usually, the journey would have taken several weeks, but this time frame did not suit Captain. He was keen on the route with more chest hair. He directed his first mate, Duvert McDougal, to change course as they approached a known dead zone, The Tempest's Graveyard.

Duvert asked for directions as he steered under Mortimer's order, hoping he had not heard him correctly the first time. "Where away, Cap'n?"

Captain Mortimer was having none of it and demanded Duvert to listen. "Pull your finger out and turn into the Graveyard! You a damn grommet now?".

He slowly turned the wheel, and his voice began to shake. "Aye, Cap'n."

A storm set in around The Mistress. Skies turned a deadly gray, and the wind howled in the faces of the crew. Captain Mortimer held the men strong with a speech of great authority and showmanship. He hung off the mast by a rope and called out to his men with a booming voice.

"It's time to bite the bullet, you mangy scoundrels! Bear up! You and I will find Immortal Joe's stinkin' hat!"

Captain Mortimer raised his sword, now hanging by one hand. "Cheer if you're with me, boys! Once we get through this graveyard, we can all get bombed!"

All of the men cheered for their captain. To them, Mortimer was their only guide, a god, and a friend. Without him, they all knew they were dead. Now here he was, mid-storm and showing them how real pirates live.

Suddenly, a hot bolt of lightning struck the end of Captain Mortimer's sword, shooting electricity through his body and sending him flying off the Marauder's Mistress with a crash into monstrous waves. The men stood in silence, waiting for their Captain to appear. The Mistress was forced along by the powerful currents too soon for them to search. All of the crew were certainly doomed to die.

Luckily, this story isn't about them; it's about Captain Mortimer McClatchy. He washed up on the shores of a completely different world. A world that would offer him a new life; he just didn't know it yet. The transformation that would take place would surprise him in many ways. This story is about the first time Mortimer found friends, meaning, and true love. How did such a terrible pirate become a cowboy? It started when he washed up to shore and opened his eyes.

A stranger stood above Mortimer and introduced himself kindly. "Jesus Christ, Son. You look like a pile of dog shit!"