My time in the psychiatric ward suddenly seemed to pass incredibly quickly, and before I knew it I was in my last week of admission. Going home was finally in sight, and I couldn't have been more excited. The only thing I wasn't looking forward to was having to leave Connor. If it meant that I could be with him for eternity, I'd extend my admission for as long as possible. However, that wasn't a realistic outlook. I was going to have to say goodbye to the boy who'd suddenly meant so much in such a short space of time. It wasn't something I was looking forward to in the slightest.

After our spontaneous session in the shower the previous week, Connor and I had become more clingy to eachother than ever. After that night, we slept together all the time. We waited until everyone was asleep and it was dark, and we'd take it in turns to sneak into eachother's rooms and curl up under the sheets together. Honestly, there was nothing I loved more than being close to him; it wasn't the sex, or the intimate moments. It was simply being close to him; stroking his back while he slept and waking up with his arms wrapped around my torso. He seemed genuinely happy when he was with me, and I felt incredible knowing that I was the reason for the smile on his face. It gave me a legitimate reason to be happy, too. I think other people on the ward had a sense that something was going on between the two of us, but they never said anything.

--

After the lights went out, I knew it would be approximately twenty minutes before Connor sneaked into my room and curled up next to me. I was excited - I looked forward to our late night moments together, where we'd talk about stupid things that were playing on our minds until we fell asleep. We'd carried on writing notes to eachother, too. Every single one he'd written me was hidden underneath my pillow, and I'd occasionally take them out during the daytime to re-read them - they gave me butterflies every single time I read them, as if it was the first time receiving them all over again. I lay awake and stared up at the ceiling, waiting. A while passed, but I convinced myself that it hadn't been twenty minutes yet and I was simply over-exaggerating how long it'd been since the lights went out. I continued to wait, growing more and more impatient. It was unusual for Connor to take so long. I wasn't sure how long I lay awake waiting for him, but eventually my eyes drifted shut and I fell asleep almost immediately.

"Troye!"

I shot up, the lights blinding me and a loud thudding sound threatening to give me a headache. When I opened my eyes, Rosa and a small group of staff were gathered in the doorway. It was still quite dark outside; it wasn't time to get up yet.

"Have you seen Connor?" Rosa asked, her face stricken with panic.

I raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Connor - have you seen him? He's not in his room, we thought he might be with you."

Instantly, I was wide awake. Connor was missing? He hadn't come into my bed and fallen asleep next to me. He wasn't in his room. Where would he have gone?

"Are you sure he's not just in the bathroom or something?" I asked, pulling on a jumper.

Rosa shook her head. "We've looked everywhere. We can't find him."

I ran out of the room, pushing past the staff and running down the corridor to Connor's room. Surely enough, his bed was empty. The sheets on his bed were made up perfectly, as though he hadn't even got into bed before the lights went out. I approached his bed, looking for any sign that he'd been there recently. There was nothing. It was like he'd never been there. As I turned to leave and find Rosa, something under the pillow caught my eye. A small piece of paper poking out from underneath it, with my name scrawled across it in handwriting that I recognised to belong to one person. I grabbed it and collapsed onto Connor's bed, opening it up and reading the note, which had obviously been written in a hurry.

Troye Boy, Troye Sivan, my Troye,

By the time you find this, I'll be gone. I hope, at least. If everything works out for me, I'll be gone in seconds. I'm sorry you had to find out this way and I'm sorry I didn't say a proper goodbye to you. I knew that if I said goodbye to your face, you'd figure out what I was up to and you'd stop me, and that isn't what I want.

I've tried and tried for so long to try and convince myself that I have a purpose in this world, but I've never been able to think of one. When I met you, you were the only thing keeping me alive. This isn't me saying you weren't good enough anymore, because fuck, you were the best thing that could've ever happened to me. I just don't want to bring you down. You have your own things that you need to get through and it'll be easier without me bringing you down and making you suffer. I live everyday numb, I can never feel anything except what I feel for you. And it's overwhelming and terrifying and it fucks with my head. But honestly, I would give everything to feel that forever. You ignited something inside of me, lit me up inside and showed me things I never thought existed before you came along. These last few weeks feel like months, and I'm sorry I can't stick around to spend the rest of my life with you. If circumstances were different, that's what I'd want - to grow with you, have a life with you, and to die with you. Unfortunately, circumstances are against us.

Thank you for everything you've done for me, Troye. Without you, I never would've known what love truly feels like. It sounds so dumb since it's only been a few weeks, but I know for damn sure that I am in love with you Troye Sivan. My hands are shaking like crazy so excuse my handwriting, but I'm gonna make this last bit quick.

Be happy, Troye. Always. It's what you've always deserved to be, and you should never feel anything less. Please don't grieve over me. Please don't be sad about me. It's for the best, and it's the best for both of us. I promise you things will be okay. You will be okay. And so will I. I'll be with Sam again. He's waiting for me; it's like I can hear him calling me. It's time to go.

Goodbye, Troye. Don't grieve and move on, but please, please don't forget me. I sure as hell won't forget you.

I love you.

Connor x

When I looked up, Rosa and her team members were stood in the doorway. I swallowed hard, and then the realisation hit me. 'It's like I can hear him calling me.' Sam. I swallowed hard.

"Troye?" Rosa asked uncertainly.

I looked up at her, my eyes stinging but no tears forming. "The roof," I managed to whisper. "He's on the roof."