I lost a friend

The sun set on our sunken boat as I tried to paddle to safety

I lost a mother

Her care was that of a grizzly bear, good when cold, overbearing when not

I lied to her telling her everything is okay, even when I was hurting

I stayed hurting and jealous of beautiful spirits

I'm sorry

I don't apologise for breaking her heart, I apologise for not leaving when we were no more

I'm sorry for the times I said I love you even when my heart was holding a knife

I'm not sorry

I don't regret hanging over a ledge with her and pretending this was as much joy we could get from life

I don't blame you for hurting seeing life as a big ball of pain

I must have been painful to her, I hated thinking of her scrutinising my change as my arms opened for the sky to take me

I'm free, I'm free from the burdens of life and the bill I never could pay

I'm free from the countless arguments that proved me wrong and her always flourishing

I'm free from tormented shame I got from seeing myself as her naive child that was cursed to being an infant for ever

I now longer believe in pain, I found a new religion