If you're not comfortable with me bringing this kind of energy into every conversation, you're probably better off not talking to me.

I'm defensive and I have a temper, but fortunately it's like that shotgun. It takes little effort to pull the trigger, but when it goes off the barrel smokes for a bit then everything is back to normal, no hard feelings. Part of that is growing up in Ireland. The Irish are very social, very friendly people, but the temper is a real thing and I never really shook it after moving to the US. 

I'm also a bit... what's the right word? Sensual? At the very least I'm a physically oriented person, and visual to a slightly lesser degree, and that translates as quickly into shotgun feelings. I also have a strong imagination that can quickly step in when the physical and visual are lacking. I'm forward, I speak my mind, and I have a level of confidence that outpaces my stride. It's got me into trouble more than once. I'm a bit of a closet hedonist too, something I try to arrest for the sake of common decency and the ability to do meaningful stuff.

For the last week I've failed miserably at keeping that part under control.

I won't get into the gory details, but I've discovered what having an online relationship is like. I could make it sound dramatic but I don't want to blow it out of proportion; it's not paper hearts and butterflies... more like the early stages of a something-ship when you can spend hours talking to a person who's like you in all the right ways and everything just clicks into place without trying.

It leaves a lot to the imagination, but if you're like me and you've had long-standing gaps in your personal life, deliberate or not, it doesn't take a lot of effort to solidify that imagination into explicit feelings. Add a legitimately likeable person who will not only reciprocate but attempt to upstage your audacity, and defenses can fall quickly.

Like almost anything else, it's good and bad in fairly equal portions. It's a nice feeling for sure. But I've spent years teaching myself how to not be driven by feelings. I have barriers for a reason. I'm semi anonymous online for a reason. The temptation to throw those things to the wind is problematic, and it sneaks up on you until you're ten steps farther along than you ever intended. There are other factors, personal and social barriers on both ends of the scale, that are too private to share.

I don't know how to deal with it long term. Hell, I don't know how to deal with it short term. I have no intention of putting it into reverse, that wouldn't be fair to anyone, but a firm application of the brakes is in order until I've sorted out the messy rooms in my mind and heart. That part of me has been years in the making and maybe many years of personal growth lie ahead. I don't know where either road leads, but I don't think anything justifies leaving the longer, narrower one until the journey is complete.