has anyone else ever felt like getting diagnosed with something was the tipping point for really feeling like shit? For a while now I'v just been constantly tired, zoning out all the time, and just not caring as much as I used to. I put it of as "not enough sleep" or "being a teenager" or "normal" cause everyone else said they felt the same way, but maybe it wasn't actually what I was feeling. about a week ago I was diagnosed with depression, and I actually cried, I had my suspicions but now it's confirmed, now I can't just tell myself i'm fine and don't need to worry because I'm not. I'm not fine. I haven't been fine for a while but now it hurts. I see my friends, I smile, I watch a video I laugh but then my face just falls, i'm just back to being apathetic, I don't care, I want to care but I don't, and I honestly don't know if I do want to care. I act, I smile, I joke, but how much of my sarcasm is "fine" and how much shit am I really in, I'm not sure. one of my life mottos is just keep going, but I don't want to. I want to stop, I want to just not for a day, I want to scream and cry and kick a wall but I just can't even find the care in me to even do that.

that was kind of long and sad, sorry, I just needed to get it out, for someone to hear it, I'm going to therapy on Friday so I hope it goes well. I'm not one to judge people by the way they look (except I kind of am) and my therapist looks like shes a 8th grade ELA teacher with an annoying voice and overly optimistic/passive aggressive approach to life,  so I hope I'm wrong, we'll see how it goes.

also fun fact: mental illnesses like depression can be genetic.

anyway stay safe toucans, and remember that I care about you <3

- Artemis