*this is it my friends, the last chapter. Probably. After this chapter I will be releasing a farewell chapter, where I say hello to my grandma who will almost definitely ask to read this and send several apologies to the poor woman. T/W cutting, suicide, and a shit. Ton. Of feels. Gilbert pov*

I tried to hold in my tears until he left, I couldn't let him know how much this was hurting me, I had to be strong.

I was weak though, I wasn't able to stand up to Caleb, I couldn't defend Matthew from the person I always said I would protect him from, I couldn't even hold myself together when he left me.

I cried all that night, there was no sleep, just tears and thoughts of him.

The next few days I spent in my sulking. Ludwig had come home and kept trying to check on me and ask me what was wrong, even Feli came by a few times and knocked on my door.

I kept it locked though, as tempting as it was to just break down and cry on someone's shoulder, I couldn't let anyone see me like this.

How did Caleb even find out about us dating? I never told anyone about it, though I'm pretty sure Ludwig thought we were together from the beginning, but he wouldnt've told Caleb that, even he hated Caleb, he knew how horrible he was. But would our parents tell him? They didn't believe me when I told them what he did, and there's no way Ludwig would hide something like me dating Matthew from them. There was almost nothing else it could be, unless someone Caleb was close with saw us together?

Shit what about that guy who tried to assult Mattie that night at the bar?!

It made sense! Even my parent don't just go around telling people that I'm dating someone unless I say they can. And they would've confronted me about it sooner if they knew.

And that guy at the bar seemed lkke the kind of guy to have connections to Caleb.

It could've been someone else but I was almost certain it was him.

Knock knock knock

"Gilbert. You need to come out! It's been two days since you left your room, you should be starving!" I heard my brother yell with his thick German accent.

Now that I thought about it I was really hungry. I hadn't been taking care of myself at all since Matthew, I just hadn't seen the point.

"Yeah. Yeah okay."

I dragged myself to my feet and unlocked the door.

"Good god, Gilbert. What happened to you? I've never seen you this much of a mess."

I collapsed into his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"He's gone, Luddy, He left me. I don't know what to do without him."

"Well you're not going to get anywhere doing this. Let's get you something to eat."

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*Time skip of like ten mins, still Prussia*

Ludwig gave me a bowl of soup that he had reheated. I appreciated it but It was too hard to eat. I had way too much on my mind to enjoy a meal.

"What happened." he didn't really say it like a question, but that was probably just his voice.

"Matthew left me." I said sadly, still absentmindedly stirring my soup.

"You told me that. Stop playing with your food and eat it. And tell me properly what happened." he kept a stone cold glare.

Ludwig was good with emotions,tgis was honestly the nicest I'd seen him.

"Caleb came, he beat my ass in and knocked me out. Then Matt was there when I woke up and he told me he didn't want me getting hurt again. And he left me."

Ludwig frowned. "Caleb was here?"

I only nodded. Still stirring the soup.

"I'm calling the police." he said, grebbing the phone, and dialing the number.

"You are the police, Ludwig."

"That's not how it works, Gilbert. And eat your soup!"

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*now we've got Matt's pov.*

I hated this. I didn't want to leave Gilbert. He was the best thing to ever happen to me. But I wasn't going to let him get hurt for me.

I felt sad constantly without him. I wanted to go to him and ask him to cheer me up, that's what I'd been doing for months, whenever I was upset, but I couldn't do that now.

It's been almost a week since I felt I haven't felt more depressed in my life.

I was currently in my bed, thinking about how hard I screwed up.

I wanted to go back to him so bad! Would he even take me back if I went? Why would he? I basically left him heart broken, now I wanted him back. I couldn't do that to him.

But I wanted to! God I was so selfish for wanting to.

At least he would be fine now. He could go off with some other guy who was worthy of him, someone strong and mentally stable, someone who wouldn't get him killed,someone who was handsome and kind, someone he deserved.

Alfred came by to check on me a few times. Like everyday. But we mostly just sat in silence when he came.

______________
*day nine of being lonely and sad*

I was tired. It was the nineth day without Gilbert and I was so unbelievably tired.

Gilbert had called a few times, and texted. I didn't bother to check them though, they would just make

me want to go back more.

I couldn't go back, I couldn't let him get hurt.

But I was hurt. It hurt me to be away from him!

Ugh why was this so hard?! I should just be able to leave without a problem and just move on! I'm not supposed to care this much! Or feel this bad!

I grabbed my phone and went to Alfred's number.

I fidgeted while waiting for it to ring.

"Hey Mattie, what's going on?"

"why is it so hard, Al?! I miss him so much but I'm not supposed to! It was so hard to let him go Alfred, but I had to."

"Mattie, ya know the term, 'if you love him let him go'? That's what you did. That's the exact definition of what you did for Gilbert."

Wait what? Love him? I didn't love him, it wasn't possible! Not for me it wasn't!

"You'll be happier if you go back to him, and I think he will be too. I'm sure of it."

I couldn't be in love with him! I spent my entire adult life trying not to fall in love, I couldn't just fall for Gilbert in the time period of four months!

I ended the call half way through Alfred's rant.

Shit I needed to cut.

No, I can't do that. I'm supposed to be trying to stop!

The ice! I can use the ice thing that Alfred taught me!

I ran to my kitchen and yanked open the freezer, grabbing there ice cubes and holding them in my hand.

It wasn't enough. Ice wasn't going to cut it, I needed something else.

But I was going to resist it. I wasn't going to cave in this time.

But you should.

No.

Honestly who would miss you?

Alfred would miss me.

What makes you say that? You're a burden on him.

You're lying!

All you'd have to do is grab the knife.

I won't do it.

It's right there, in the drawer.

I looked over to the drawer, slowly sliding it open.

I shouldn't do this.

Just one hit, that's all it'll take.

Just one.

Just one.

I pressed the knife against my stomach like I did more than a week ago.

I pushed just a bit harder, I felt blood start to trickle down.

Farther, farther, all the way t o the hilt.

I lifted the knife again and gasped as I felt the pressure loosen.

I quickly shoved it back down again, and a third time, allowing myself to fall to the floor and drop the knife.

My vision started to blur, colours started to fade together, and sounds started so ring.

"Matt!" that was weird. I don't remember Alfred being here.

He started talking to someone else which was funny. I hope he's okay, he sounded worried.

I felt a searing pain in my stomach as he pushed something to where the wounds were.

My head was starting to hurt. Alfred was leaning over me, he looked like he was upset.

Soon other people were picking me up, and bringing me to a vehicle. I wished they would stop touching me but I couldn't really do much.

In the vehicle, more things were wrapped around my waist, it was kind of uncomfortable, with all the jabbing and jumbling around. The words of the people around me were starting to become white noise fading into the background.

__________________
*Gilbert's pov*

Nine days. Nine days and I haven't heard a thing from Matthew, I've tried calling him and texting him a few times but nothing.

I was starting to get really worried.

Ludwig would force me out of my room at least once everyday to get me to eat something, and right now was one of those times.

I was sitting at the table with a sandwich that he had made for me, I didn't really feel like eating but Ludwig would probably slap me silly if I didn't.

Either way I was sulking around, picking at the sandwich when I got a call from Alfred.

"Gilbert you have to come to the hospital!" he was crying, definitely crying.  I had never heard Alfred cry before.

"What happened? Is it Matthew?! Is he okay?!"

"He tried to kill himself."

My eyes widened, I quickly grabbed the car keys and dashed out the door, jumping into the car and speeding all the way to the hospital.

After parking I rushed up to the front desk.

"I need to see Matthew Williams!" I panted out.

She looked at me sadly. "He's not gonna make it dear, he's lost a lot of blood."

I shook my head. I didn't want to believe this, I couldn't. "I need to see him." I said again.

She nodded and handed me a visitor card. "Room 104."

I rushed down the hall until I found his room and pulled the door open. The sight made me choke on a sob.

Alfred was sitting beside the bed, looking solemn. He looked over to me and stood up.

"I'll give you some space." he said, wiping his eyes and patted me on the back before leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.

Matt looked pale and dead, attached to all sorts of tubes and machines, heart rate slow but still beating.

I sat down next to him and took his hand, it was cold, like it always was, but his fingers didn't move to hold mine this time.

"Come on Matthew, you're not allowed to go yet. I still need to say goodbye." I leaned down to kiss his hand, letting a few tears slip from my eyes.

"Please."

"Gilbert?"

I looked up, Matthew still had his eyes closed, he hadn't moved, but he was smiling now.

"Matt, oh my god you're awake! Thank god!"

Matt let out a light laugh.

"You know how you always ask me if I love you? I've got my answer now, I've had time to think about it while I was asleep."

How was this what he was concerned about?! He was dying and he's worried about whether he loves me or not?!

"I don't have much longer, 'm gonna go where I can be happy soon, where I can be at peace for the first time in seven years. So before I go... I love you Gilbert."

Then the line went flat.

"Matt?"

No answer.

"Mattie?!" I could feel the panic seeping into my voice. "No, no, no, NO! Mattie, you can't be gone."

At this point tears were spilling down my face at an alarming rate.

Alfred rushed into the room along with several nurses. He spotted Matthew laying lifeless and the unmoving line on the heart monitor, and collapsed to the floor.

"Mattie, Matt, my baby brother. Why, why him?" I could hear him crying, but it was mostly white noise, I was too busy mourning as well.

____________________
*time skip to the funeral*

The funeral was small, just Alfred, his parents and their extended family, plus Lovino, Feliciano, Antonio, and myself.

Caleb had insisted on coming but thanks to Lovino (who organised most of it) he was removed from the ceremony.

It wasn't raining on the day of the funeral, like in the movies. It was a sunny day which I found fitting, Matthew deserved at least one Sunny day.

After the ceremony I stayed behind with Alfred.

He was standing by the grave stone, looking down at where his twin rested.

I felt bad for him, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose someone you've spent your whole life with, trying to protect, then one day they're just not there anymore.

"He was my best friend, Gilbert. I- I've never known a life where he doesn't exist, everything- Everything I've ever planned for myself, I've always imagined him there with me. And now he's gone, because I was too late to get to him."

Another tear rolled down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away. "It's all my fault."

"It's not your fault, Alfred, it's Caleb's fault, he was the one who messed him up. You couldn't have done anything." I said, putting a hand on his back.

"I know, I just- I wish I had been there to help him, Ya know?" he turned away from the grave stone for the first time since the beginning of the ceremony to look at me with the saddest eyes.

"Yeah. Yeah me too."

More tears started falling down Alfred's cheeks while he fruitlessly tried to wipe them away.

I felt a few slip from my eyes as well as I pulled him into a hug and rested him chin on his head, allowing him to cry into my shoulder.

____________________

Sometimes I wonder what could've been if I never killed myself. Would I have gone back to Gilbert only to have him taken away by Caleb?

Would I have hidden my feelings away and stayed to wallow in my depression for the rest of my life?

Or would I have told him? Grown old with him? Gotten married and maybe adopt a couple children? Then eventually die with him on deaths own time?

It makes me sad to think about sometimes, about what could've been.

But I'll see him again some day, no matter how long it took, I would wait for him.