trigger warning: bullying

II.

Kinomi.

I was surprised when push pins fell on my feet when I opened my shoe locker. I looked around and immediately felt embarrassed when I realize that the students' attention were all on me. In a frantic manner, I bent down to pick up the pins, getting light cuts in the process.

I shoved the remaining pins inside my shoe locker. I will just come back and dispose of it later when nobody is watching. I didn't think much of it until I arrived in my classroom.

"I already told you. I really don't know!" I heard someone exclaim. My classmates were all gathered at my seat.

"Oh really?! You're telling me that the marker just wrote itself on Kinomi's desk, ha?!" Aoi's voice boomed. She was holding my female classmate by her blouse's collar, her other clenched fist already on standby.

"C-calm down, Haruno-san! She already said that she doesn't know! Let her go!"

"Bullshit I will! Nobody just goes around bullying my friends!" Aoi screamed.

"P—please, I was just—"

"Aoi, what's going on—" I didn't have the chance to finish my sentence as I saw the state of my desk. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach as soon as the words registered in my brain.

Whore.

Please jump off the rooftop.

Kill yourself.

We don't need any sluts here.

Worthless.

You're better off dead!

There I also heard my classmates whispering among themselves. Instead of showing that I'm deeply bothered, I just tried to shrug it off with a smile. "Oh wow, they must have a lot of free time. Aoi, do you have anything that I could use to wipe this off?"

"Kinomi, aren't you even going to find out who did this to your desk?" Aoi asked in a tight voice.

"No," I said. "I have a lot of things I need to get done." That was only an excuse.

What the hell is happening? Is there some sort of mistake? Is someone making fun of me? Am I... getting bullied?

My hands trembled at the thought as Aoi and I tried our best to wipe my desk clean. But it wouldn't come off no matter how hard we try. In the end, I had to sit down with a vandalized desk because our homeroom teacher already arrived.

My eyes were wandering at the crowd of students who seemed to have been attentive to our teacher. Then Aoi passed me a note.

Aoi:

Should we tell the teacher?

Me:

No need. If I ignore them, they will stop eventually.

Or so I thought.

I was so bothered at extra practices with Oikawa-senpai because I have received another letter from an anonymous sender in my bag.

Why don't you just go and kill yourself?

"Why the long face, Mika-chan?" Oikawa-senpai asked.

I blinked out of my daze then shifted my gaze at Senpai who had a raised eyebrow. Should I tell him...? I don't want him to worry.

I shook my head. "It's nothing, Senpai. Sorry."

After another attempt at a jump serve, Oikawa-senpai went to me and lifted the corners of my lips using his fingers. "Smile more often Mika-chan," He said then let out a bright smile as an example. I must have frowned when I failed the jump serve. "Like this."

My heart fluttered and I almost dropped the volleyball on my arms. Right then, the worry I had in mind instantly vanished the moment I saw his bright smile.

Instead, I swatted his hands from my face. "You always have a reason to smile." I retorted. "I don't."

Oikawa-senpai pouted then smiled. "Then smile for me."

In the next days, I had to deal with yet another vandalized desk. The next, my outdoor shoes were ruined. The next, my bag was thrown into the trash bin. The next, my notebooks and pencils were ripped apart... then Aoi was starting to get bullied, too.

Aoi was fuming with anger and even threatened the whole class that when she found out who the culprit is, she'll send them to the hospital immediately. I tried my best to calm her down and convince her not to tell a teacher as it will eventually pass by. I didn't want any trouble to escalate. I just need to continue to ignore them until they get tired. Then the rumors started.

"There she is..."

"That young? So disgusting..."

"I'd never go that far." Someone giggled.

"Looks so innocent... not."

I think those were the third years gossiping about something when I passed by the hallways on my way to the rest room.

"Have you heard?"

"What?"

"There's a first year girl who engages in compensated dating!"

"What? Is that even legal?"

"I don't know. But it's such a waste... she's a volleyball star."

"But why is she—"

"Shh!"

They went quiet when I walked in the rest room that I felt like I disturbed something. I can't help but assume that they're talking about me with the way they're avoiding my existence. They left immediately after I went inside the cubicle. Then after a few moments, another group of girls went inside laughing as they talk about... me.

"Honestly, who does she think she is? She's not even cute in the slightest..."

"How old is she? What the hell? She's like twelve."

"Hah! That young and already a slut. Her parents must be so proud of her." She laughed.

"I didn't know that Oikawa-san stooped that low to even teach her volleyball."

"You're just jealous Mikazuki gets more attention than you." Another girl laughed.

What...?

I didn't have the courage to intervene yet alone open the door to reveal myself. My heart was at my throat which blocked the access of air. I needed to calm down...

What... the hell is happening... who's doing this?

When the group of girls left, that's when I came out and washed my cold hands. I couldn't believe what was circulating around the school. Me? Engaging in... compensated dating?

I shivered at the thought. And... people believed them? That easily? Really?

Did... Oikawa-senpai believe it, too?

"Kinomi-chan," Aoi called in a serious manner. We were walking on the way home from school. "We need to do something about this."

I skipped volleyball training for the first time because I couldn't face anyone because of shame... especially Oikawa-senpai. Usually, we would drop by at the cafe but I was too upset to do anything after the rumors spreading.

I clicked my tongue and halted. "I... why are they doing this?" I couldn't help but get so frustrated that I ended up crying. "I tried so, so hard to ignore them, Aoi, but they just wouldn't leave me alone..."

Aoi sighed, then pulled me in for a hug.

"What would Oikawa-senpai think?" I sobbed.

"You know, Kinomi-chan, he talked to me earlier."

I instantly pulled away from her to look at her serious face. "W-what did he say?"

"He asked me about the rumors, of course. I asked him if he believed them, he said no. And he understands if you wanted to take some time off because you were upset. I also told him about the bullying... and he was not very happy about that."

"What?"

"He's going to help us find the culprit, Kinomi-chan. And when we do, I'm going to make them regret they were ever born." She smiled menacingly at me.

~*~

"Mikazuki," Iwaizumi-senpai called outside the classroom when the lunch bell rang.

"What is it, Senpai?" I asked.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine, Senpai. Thank you for asking." I smiled.

Iwaizumi-senpai let out a small smile. "I see. I'm glad." Then he turned serious. "They found them."

"Who?" I asked, confused.

"The one who spread the rumors."

I blinked in utter surprise. "What?"

"Come with me."

Iwaizumi-senpai beckoned me to follow him. I didn't know if it's a good idea to confront the ones who are making my life a living hell right now. My heart was thumping so loud against my chest that it felt like I would turn around and run away. The gymnasium was empty at the moment and there we went into the storage room.

"Why are you bullying my kouhai?"

"What makes you say that, Oikawa-san?" A very familiar voice exclaimed. "Y-you really think that we could do that? She's our teammate!"

"Kageyama heard you say that you're the ones who spread the rumors."

"You believe in nothing m-more than a hearsay!" Takamine-san cried out.

"You hardly have any evidences!" Asakura-san added.

Iwaizumi-san pulled out his phone, tapped into it a few times before a recorded audio echoed through the whole storage room.

"I'm the one who put the push pins and blades inside Haruno's shoe locker. The look on her face was priceless!" Takamine-san laughed. Aoi tensed in the corner. "But she continued on ignoring it! I ruined her volleyball shoes next. That'll teach her."

"That's so cruel!" Asakura-san, our pinch-server, laughed. "The rumors that I told people especially! They believed it so easily. I made sure to—" Iwaizumi-senpai paused the audio.

"That's the evidence you want." He deadpanned. He looked at them with a dead stare. "Now, do you have anything to say for yourselves?"

"H-how d-did... what..."

Aoi and I were beyond confused at first. Then it morphed into an excruciating feeling of hurt and betrayal... then an unexplained anger. Aoi was the first one to recover. She laughed out loud.

"Oh my god! I can't believe this!" Aoi continued to laugh.

"What shall we do now? Shall we broadcast this to the whole school and ruin your perfect reputation, huh, Captain?" Oikawa-senpai drawled with a smile. Then he shifted his gaze at me. "What do you want to do, Mika-chan?"

"It's all your fault!" Asakura-san exploded, pointing her finger at me. She stomped her way to me but Iwaizumi-senpai was quick enough to block her off. "You think that you're so great at volleyball that you can just do everything you please, huh?! Just because Iʼm only a pinch-server, you think you're so above me that you think you can just be all chummy with Oikawa-san?!"

"Wait..." Aoi turned her head to Takamine-san then back to Asakura-san. "You've been bullying Kinomi-chan over some stupid guy?!"

"Hey!" Oikawa-senpai whined. Iwaizumi-san snickered.

“Not only that. Both of you are a know-it-all bitches, too!” Asakura-san cried out.

“Is it our fault youʼre a benchwarmer your whole middle school life?” Aoi scoffed.

“Aoi...” I warned.

“Go ahead and broadcast it! I'm going to ruin your life even more! And maybe even the people around you, too!" Asakura-san screamed.

I couldn't do anything but just stand there and sob. I can't believe that my own teammates would do such a thing to me. I have been looking up at Takamine-san not just because she's my captain but also because she's a very good motivational speaker. I can't believe that she would do this to us. And Asakura-san... we weren't that close but we were civil. I didn't know that... she held this much grudge against me.

"I'm going to kill you." Aoi growled.

Aino is the most athletic in the girls' volleyball club, and also the potential ace. Equipped with adrenaline, it wasn't that much of a surprise when she managed to swing the metal pole on Asakura-san. But being the volleyball players that we all are, we had quick reflexes. Iwaizumi-senpai managed to shove Asakura-san before it could hit her head.

There was a loud cling, and the marbled floor shattered. Then silence. Aoi dropped the metal pole when Oikawa-senpai restrained her.

"I'm calm! I'm calm now, Senpai. I promise! I just wanted to let out some steam." Aoi said with a laugh.

"I don't quite trust you with that smile, Haru-chan." Oikawa-senpai narrowed his eyes at her.

"You're right. I'm not calm yet. I'm so angry I can't even think straight." She sighed. "I'm so angry that I wouldn't even mind being a murderer right now." She smiled menacingly at Asakura-san which made her shiver. "You're all help me hide their bodies, right?"

"Iwa-chan, help me! She's a high-key yandere!" Oikawa-senpai cried out in fear. Heʼs still holding Aoi even though she wasn't even resisting.

"Keep her still, you idiot!"

"Aoi, please stop it..." I said, and when she saw my expression, hers softened. "Senpai, please let her go." Oikawa-senpai nodded.

I looked down at Asakura-san and Takamine-san who were both shaking like leaves. Then I offered a hand to Asakura-san.

"Are you okay?"

"W-what?"

"You almost got hit by Aoi... are you okay?"

"What? Aren't you angry?! I bullied you then ruined your reputation. Now you're the one asking me if I'm okay?!"

"Yes. No, I mean... I was angry... but after everything that's happened, I'm too tired to even feel anything anymore..."

"You're stupid..." Asakura-san shook her head.

"I hate people like you." Oikawa-senpai suddenly said which snapped her head at him in surprise. "I chose Mika-chan for a reason. Itʼs because sheʼs a very talented and kindhearted person. You're nowhere near her."

Asakura-san just lowered her head. I heard her suppress a sob and without a word, she silently stood up and walked out of the storage room with Takamine-san trailing behind her.

Just like that, the bullying and rumors ceased. Asakura-san admitted to spreading the false rumors about me and resigned from the volleyball club. Takamine-san's reputation was spared as Asakura-san took all the blame. In return, she mostly stayed away from Aoi and I, which I thought was for the best.

And in our last volleyball training before Oikawa-senpai's graduation, Oikawa-senpai was complaining about the fangirls from another school who was bothering him.

Then I said, "Oikawa-senpai, wait for me, please? Wait for me to graduate middle school, I'll follow you in Seijoh. Your fangirls will finally leave you alone once I become your girlfriend, promise."

Oikawa-senpai was surprised at my words, but I looked at him straight in the eyes to show him my sincerity. There, I realize that I was hopelessly and irrevocably in love with him.

He laughed, then he ruffled my brown hair. "Of course! I'll definitely wait for you, Mika-chan!"

I was so happy because I thought that was a promise. So then I earned money from my allowance to buy him a graduation gift and tell him how I really feel.

"Oh, Oikawa? I think he's at the classroom, might be seeing it for the last time." Iwaizumi-senpai said then went back to talking to his former classmates.

I dashed on the way to the fourth floor to his classroom with a wide smile plastered on my face. Then I rehearsed my confession on my mind.

Oikawa-senpai, you have been my inspiration right from the start. I am who I am today because of you.

I found his classroom.

I will continue to strive hard to become one of the best and make you proud even if you're not here to see my matches often anymore.

I held the door handle.

Oikawa-senpai, did you know?

Then opened it.

I love you—

"Mika-chan?"

He was kissing someone.

"What are you doing here?"

He was kissing someone.

"I-I'm sorry..." Tsukihana Ayane pulled away from him. She turned away from me, embarrassed.

He was...

"I-I... um... sorry." I can't form any coherent words that I immediately slammed the door shut and ran away.

That was the last time I saw Oikawa-senpai for a long, long while.

I didn't want to dwell too much on it. I just remember crying all night, feeling betrayed that he played with my feelings. But then, who was I to be taken seriously? I was just a child in his eyes.

I saw a white capsule under the sink of the bathroom after I had taken a bath. I bent down to pick it up to read the label. Fluoxetine. I searched what it meant in the internet.

Fluoxetine is a prescription medicine used to treat major depressive disorder, bulimia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder...

What's an antidepressant doing in here? And... who among my family is taking it?