XLVII.

Kinomi.

And then I remember the moment where Tsukishima Kei shared a bit of his profound mind to me, his words of wisdom about what ifs and regrets... when we were only fifteen years old.

What ifs are useless. It doesn't change anything. All they do is make you have regrets.

I couldn't help but also wonder about the feelings that we had stored up over years that have collapsed and scattered all over the floor, hurting those who dare to touch it. Even ourselves. While the secrets within our hearts that we tried to hide that have controlled us over the years. Is it fair for the both of us?

You can leave any time you wanted, because I never had anything to hold on to you. But you stayed... still here, while I stayed away. You stayed long enough for me to think that you'll never leave at all.

I stared down at Tsukishima's outstretched hand, then back at his face, my heart and mind having the debate on whether I should accept it or not. I would come across as a bitter person if I decline. If I accept, that would be really fucking awkward for us. But as I returned his gesture with a look of uncertainty, he seemed to read my mind because he sighed.

"You don't need to put a lot of thinking into this. It's just a dance, Mikazuki-san." He uttered lazily.

"If Aria told you to jump off a building, will you obey her?" I asked a stupid question. Tsukishima looked at me as if he was going to get a brain hemorrhage.

"Why would I ask Kei-chan to jump off a building, Nee-chan?" Aria interrupted with a confused expression. "He's not stupid." She scrunched her nose cutely. "And I wouldn't even ask him to do that in the first place."

"Yeah, Nee-chan." Tetsurou echoed in a taunting tone.

"Dad..." Tatsumaki pouted, seemingly scolding her father. She's even more matured than her father. It's a good thing she takes after her mother... but unfortunately, Aria takes after her stupid brother.

I frowned, feeling even more pissed yet embarrassed. "You guys know I don't even dance."

"Me neither." Tsukishima interjected. "But you don't see me complaining, right?" His lips tugged upwards, as if asking, 'Why? Are you afraid of me?'

He had a smug smirk on, but his eyes were burning. I returned his stare with the same intensity, not backing down.

"It's easy, Nee-san!" Tatsumaki said with a bright smile, then she demonstrated her ballerina skills, twirling gracefully. "I'll teach you."

"Woah, teach me, too, Maki-tan!" Aria giggled, then imitated her niece. It feels a little weird to call Tatsumaki her niece because they're at the same age.

"Maki, they're not going to dance ballet, though I'd pay to see them try." Tetsurou chuckled as he patted the girls' head, lips forming a grin, amused. Then he turned his eyes on us. "You took dance lessons in college, Kinomi. And I'm sure you have a few tricks up your sleeve, Tsukki. You guys have never failed to surprise me after all." He winked as he put an arm around us and with a subtle move, he shoved us away.

"Hey," Tsukishima complained.

"Go on, you two. Give us something to talk about!" He encouraged with a wide smile, wiggling his eyebrows.

"You asshole." I hissed under my breath. "I'm going to make Eira a widow one of these days."

Tsukishima and I shared a brief look before I averted the gaze and went on ahead to trickle through the crowd and on to the middle of the dance floor. I can feel him just following me and right when I stopped to face him is also the time when the singer's voice chatter away in the microphone.

"Here's another song request from one of our lovely audiences... oh, finally an English song!" Masafumi Hanako-san, also Eira's younger sister, said in a gleeful tone. "Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey. Nice song! 'I've been a fan of Lana Del Rey ever since and this is my most favorite song because it really relates to me and my friend. This song is also for you, Mimi!' Aww!" She giggled while my mouth gaped open in bewilderment. "Thank you for the request, Mr. Noah Warner!"

Holy fucking shiiiit! Noah, you fucking turnip!

"Aw, Mimi. How very sweet of him." Tsukishima's sarcastic voice brought me back to my senses. I looked up at him with that same smirk earlier that pasted his features.

I rolled my eyes. "Ignore him. He's just an Lana Del Rey fanboy..." I shrugged. "And don't call me that, Tsukishima. I can't take another person calling me with that stupid nickname."

"Oh, don't worry. I have my own." Tsukishima smiled either in amusement or irritation. "Are we just going to keep standing here or are we dancing?"

I don't know why but I blushed, might be because of embarrassment from Noah's stupidity or the thought of dancing with Tsukishima. Now that we're going to do it, this is the very first time that we're going to dance together because dancing isn't even our forte. When I didn't make the slightest attempt to move, he then took my right hand in his and placed my left hand on his shoulder, then he placed his free hand on my waist. I swallowed at the contact and wished for all of this to end already.

"Why are you so tensed?" He asked, as he slowly swayed and led us to the soft music.

"S-sorry..." I started to follow his minimal movements. We didn't even move our feet. We literally just swayed softly.

"I expected an answer, not an apology."

My grip on his shoulder tightened, as I bit my lower lip. "I just... feel weird doing this." I admitted, then averted my gaze elsewhere again.

Tsukishima didn't answer and just stared at my face instead, making me feel all the more uncomfortable. I wonder what's going on inside his mind right now?

"Why did you take my sister's childish request seriously? She's just a kid..." I murmured.

"Why not? It's just a dance."

"Yeah, but... we don't even dance."

"So? There's no harm in doing so even if we don't dance. Why? You don't wanna dance with me?"

I looked at him for a moment before averting my gaze elsewhere again, not having the words to describe what I'm feeling right now. "Not that... I just think that... that we shouldn't..."

What ifs are useless. It doesn't change anything. All they do is make you have regrets.

But the thing about regrets, Kei, is that it comes at the end. So you can't blame me whenever I wonder about the what ifs of our lives, even if it is pointless to do so. I wonder if you had what ifs and regrets, too? Because I bottled all of mine up in the form of teardrops, so that I can have proof of all my regrets and sadness.

"Hey, I'm just wondering..." He trailed off, looking down upon me with an unreadable expression. "It was the truth that made you look into my eyes... when you got drunk and when you said that you never had anyone after me. But after that, you couldn't spare me a look for a few seconds even as I talk to you right now. Why? Even you can't swallow your own lies?"

I was surprised for a few seconds but after I had recovered, I wiggled out of his possessive hold to give some space between us, to give me some room to breathe. I shook my head, smirking. "That's a little presumptuous of you, Tsukishima. Are you saying that you can tell apart my truth and lies?"

Tsukishima smirks back. "You never noticed? I've been doing that ever since we're fifteen, Kinomi."

My smile disappeared as if someone had wiped it off. I shrugged, smiling again, trying my best to keep my focus on this handsome man in front of me. Though my heart throbbed at his words and I wanted so badly to believe them.

"Well then, you're wrong." I said firmly.

He cocked a brow, amused yet irritated. "You can't know that."

"What makes you think so?"

"I still know that you told me a lie even as you stare straight into my eyes right now."

I snorted with an eye roll. "Hah! Don't say that it's a lie just because it's not what you wanted to hear!"

He stared at me lazily. "What do you think I wanted to hear then?"

"Heck if I know." I replied irritably.

His lips curled up into a smile, a sardonic one. "Your thoughts."

My irritation vanished and was immediately replaced with disbelief. I looked at him with wide eyes in bewilderment. "What?"

"I want to hear your thoughts." He stated, and as reflex action, I made the attempt to wrench myself away from his hold but then he tightened his grip on my hand and pulled me even closer to him, making me fear for my pounding heart that he might feel.

"Let go of me!" I hissed at him. Then I pushed him in a failed attempt to free myself again, but that's the more he tightened his grasp. "You're hurting me..." I bit my lower lip and took a deep calming breath, trying not to burst our little bubble.

"What can I do to stop the pain?" He asked softly.

I flitted a gaze at him. His face was gentle as he stared back at me. My thoughts sent a shiver down my spine. I am in love with him. I want to stay. I want to apologize. I wanted nothing more than for him to know these words. But I'm going to leave him again so I won't.

"Let go." I whispered, then lowered my gaze to his warm hand around mine.

But he just stared at me. I really hated it whenever he just stops and stares at me whenever I say or do something because then I would think that what I did was wrong. Then again, I know that he's only trying to see right through me, through the lies. But what I really hate the most is that there's a part of me that's always hoping that he'll see right through me; that he can manage to see the things that I failed to see in myself.

Tsukishima released me without saying a single word. I took a step back, turned around and walked away with fast strides. It felt like strength left my body. There's something wringing my heart. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of hurting him again. I don't think I could live with that for the rest of my life.

I took my purse on our designated table then pushed through the crowd and out of the ballroom, heaving out a deep sigh once I closed the doors. I shut my eyes in frustration. How can we be normal acquaintances? Normal friends? I want that instead. I want that at least. Because I know nothing will ever lead out of this.

I planned to go out of the hotel to get some fresh air but when I passed by the lobby, I saw a familiar girl by the waiting area looking so lost in her thoughts to even notice me walking towards her.

"Takahashi Yumiko," She flinched when I called out her name, and she immediately stood up to face me. "Oh, it is you." I said nonchalantly.

"M-mikazuki-san..." She looked like she was a deer caught in headlights.

"What are you doing out here?"

She blinked frantically. "I-I was just about to leave, sorry—"

"No, what I meant was... are you with someone?"

She looked away, fidgeting on with her fingers in a nervous manner. "No..."

There was an awkward silence between us and also a bit of tension. Then I heard her stomach growl, making me spare her a quizzical look in return. She only let out a squeak while blushing furiously.

"You can eat dinner in the ballroom." I suggested, but as expected, she only shook her head.

"No, thank you. I'm just going to leave..."

I scratched my cheek awkwardly, then looked away. "Uh... okay."

I wonder why she's here though? It doesn't even look like she's going to check-in, and she's not going to let herself starve if she wasn't waiting for someone. Is she here because she's waiting for Tsukishima?

Then I heard her stomach growl again, this time louder. Yumi and I shared a look before we let out a sigh at the same time.

"Let's... get you something to eat." I mumbled.

Looking defeated, she only lowered her head. "Okay..."

For some reason, she doesn't want to go near the reception venue. She'd rather dine at the restaurant on the fourth floor than get some free food at the catering.

Yumi was astonished by the sublime restaurant that screamed elegance and sophistication. We were greeted warmly by the servers and led us to our table, her eyes wide with fascination. We were offered cocktails but we declined and instead gave us the menus. I'm not really hungry so I just took a look at their menu, my eyes looking up to see Yumi's expression just in time morphing into horror. She looked at me, her eyes widening even more as she caught me staring then she darted her gaze back at the menu. Of course everything would be ridiculously expensive.

"Would you like to take a look on the winelist also? We have excellent local wines and of course everything else from around the world. New World, Italian, French and many more." The server said with a smile.

"O-on second thought... I think I'm just going to order a glass of water." She told the server with a nervous chuckle.

"I'd like to hear about the chef's specials of the day." I said, closing my menu.

The male server chanced a look at me, his eyes slowly widening in recognition. "Wait, are you..." He trailed off, making me raise an eyebrow in question.

"What?" I asked.

"You're... you're the pastry chef from Baking Chronicles... Kuroo Kinomi!"

I blinked in surprise. "Uh... yeah?"

"Oh my god, I'm like... your biggest fan!" He almost squealed like a fangirl, making us grasp a few curious gazes from the other diners.

"Thank you." I just said.

When he had calmed down, he cleared his throat and smiled from ear to ear. He reminded me of the cheerful turnip Noah. "The chef has prepared dorade. It's a large fish around one kilo, perfect for two persons. You can have it with some baked potatoes, vegetables—everything that you'd want as a side dish. If you like fish, I highly recommend it."

"Where's the fish from?" I asked.

"Dorade is from Italy. It comes from the Mediterranean Sea."

"What do you think, Takahashi?" She was in awe as she looked at me.

"It sounds delicious..." She muttered absentmindedly.

"Well, okay. We'd like your classic chicken soup, and then we'll have that dorade for the main course."

"E-eh? But Mikazuki-san—"

"And I'd also like strawberry shortcake for our dessert."

"Okay, Ma'am. I'll be right back with your food!" The server said merrily, took the menus and walked out.

Yumi would insist otherwise so I had to order her food for her.

"Mikazuki-san, I can't pay for that!" Yumi whispered in a panic.

"Don't worry, it's on me." I said nonchalantly, then crossed my arms against my chest.

"But..."

"You haven't changed a bit. You're still the shy nerd I remember." I remarked, making her immediately blush yet again.

"And... you're still the salty Mikazuki-san I remember... or is that not your last name anymore?"

"My mother remarried so I had to change my last name, but you can call me whichever you want."

Yumi took a sip of her water, before looking around the restaurant. "You were right..." She said suddenly, playing with the mouth of her water goblet. "I was waiting for someone to come out of that ballroom. But I don't even have an idea why I did."

My chest constricted at the statement. Is she talking about who I think it is?

"I once hated you, you know?" She admitted, much to my surprise. She smiled sadly. "Even though I wasn't the kind of person to hold a grudge and think ill of anyone, I did that to you... all just because Kei fell in love with you." She looked away, a hint of guilt surrounding her eyes. "I admit that I tried to win him back when I learned that you broke up with him. But he came back to the cold boy when he discovered his brother's secret." She shook her head with a sigh. "I've always known that he loved you more than I loved him. And... Tadashi loved me more than I deserved... I realized that no matter how much you love a person, you just can't love them into loving you. I was so tempted to give Tadashi a chance because Kei deprived me of that but then I also didn't want him to feel the pain I'd felt, so I decided to reject him and move to Tokyo when we graduated high school, just to have a fresh start."

She moved on. Good for her. But that doesn't connect to anything about her waiting for someone at the lobby. She smiled as if she had read my mind.

"I met this man about a week ago. He's cheerful, funny, a bit clumsy but very much gentleman. In that short week we're together, he taught me a lot of things... about confidence, self-esteem and many more. He basically taught me how to come out of my shell." She chuckled with a sad smile. "Just when I was ready to open my heart again, there in a flash, he said that he doesn't want me anymore because he didn't think that we'd work out. He left me... just like how you left Kei." She stared at me, and by the time I realized who she's pertaining to in her story, my mouth already gaped open in absolute shock.

"Wait... it can't be..."

"Now I understand what Kei must have felt years ago. It's excruciating. But then I respect his decision, so he should also respect when I decide to tell him straight in the face how bullshit of a decision that was." She stated firmly, looking at me straight in the eyes as if she's saying those words to me, too. But what surprised me even more is that she cussed. Takahashi Yumiko, the shy nerd back in high school who's always scolding Saori about language, just cussed.

"Yumiko?" I heard the baritone of Noah's voice from behind me. I peered over my shoulder to take a glance at him just to see him with a random woman on his arm. Oh, my days... what an asshole. He flinched when I gave him a menacing glare. "M-mimi? You two knew each other?"

"Noah..." Yumi whispered in a small voice, then lowered her head in shame. Noah winced at her tone, looking guilty. Then he gently pried the woman's hands from his arm, earning a whine from her.

I cleared my throat then stood up from my seat, pulling out my credit card from my purse. I placed it on Yumi's side of the table, which earned me a surprised look from her.

"Use that to pay for your food. Split the bill with Noah." I instructed, then faced Noah who was still dumbfounded. "You stupid bastard." I growled at him.

"W-wait, Mimi, it's not what you—"

"Shut the fuck up." I deadpanned. "You don't owe me an explanation."

"Who the hell are you?" The woman asked with a raised eyebrow and looked at me from head to toe. There I realized that she's a bitch. I'm not surprised, Noah has always been a bitch magnet, I don't know what Yumi saw in him.

"She's my friend, Susan." Noah answered while I crossed my arms against my chest. "Uh... I'm sorry but... can we reschedule our dinner?"

"What? But I really wanted to eat at this restaurant! And you're already leaving the day after tomorrow!" She whined. "Are you kidding me? What the hell, Noah?" She exclaimed shamelessly, starting to make a scene.

"Shut your whore mouth, you whore." I snapped at her, giving her my most intimidating stare. "Can't your smooth brain take the hint? Go find another guy to whore yourself with."

She stopped and shivered at my stare, and without another word, she immediately strode outside the restaurant.

"You didn't have to be too harsh on her." Noah said.

"Huh?" I turned my menacing glare back at him, to which he only flinched and looked away. I heaved out a heavy sigh before walking away as well but not before Noah stopped me.

"Mimi... you need to talk to him, too. You can't just tell me to get my shit together and not apply it to yourself. That would just make you a hypocrite."

I went back to the ballroom to look for Tsukishima but then I couldn't find him. I had this suspicion that he already went home but then I found Yamaguchi talking amiably with Yachi-san. I asked him about his whereabouts.

"Oh, Tsukki? He's on the rooftop getting some fresh air." Yamaguchi said. "I asked him if he wanted some company but he said that he won't take long."

"Eh? But he still hasn't returned." Yachi-san glanced at her wristwatch. "It's almost been an hour."

"I'll go check up on him."

"No, I'll go." I arrested his actions which rewarded me a look of surprise from him. Then he smiled with a nod of his head.

I made my way to the elevators and punched the button to the rooftop. I blew out a breath as I stared up at the lit numbers, forcing and cussing at myself not to bail and chicken out. After this... it's enough.

When the elevator made the familiar ding sound, I hurried out before it could close on me. I scanned the surroundings, looking for him. The cold wind brushed against my skin, sending goosebumps.

"Stupid dress..." I whispered to myself, hugging my arms.

There I found him leaning against the railings, staring up at the full moon. I took a few steps towards him but still kept a safe distance. As if sensing my presence, he turned around and met my stare... he really beat me to being the queen of the undisputed resting bitch face.

"What are you doing in here?" He cocked a brow.

"I was looking for you." I replied simply.

"Why?"

"I wanted to apologize..." I trailed off, pursing my lips in a thin line. "But then I changed my mind. Because after feeling sorry for the both of us for years, I decided to just fuck it and not be sorry about it anymore."

He didn't give me a reaction whatsoever.

"I'm not sorry that I came back. I'm not sorry for having the audacity to think that these briefest moments with you were the longest in my mind. Hell, if leaving you was one of the things that led you to the great man you are today, then I'm not going to be sorry to decide to leave you again." I exhaled, shaking my head. "Forgiving my mother was hard, that's why I understand if you can't forgive me. And even if I wanted to apologize, Kei, I'm going to leave the day after tomorrow. So..." I shrugged. "I won't." I smiled with a dry chuckle. "Fucking selfish of me, right? Because I always make the decisions that hurt you, and I don't think there's any amount of apology that can make up for all the pain I'd caused you."

Silence.

Tsukishima's expression remains unmoved with my outburst. All the while I was panting after finally doing what he wanted, expressing all of my thoughts. I sighed before averting my gaze elsewhere.

"Good. Because I was never even sorry in the first place." I flickered my gaze back at him, surprised. I didn't expect that kind of response. "I'm not sorry that I met you, because knowing you has made me dream about the things I never thought I would. I know that your life's been hard, so even if it was hard for me, I let you go so that you can fix your issues. I respected your decisions. So much that I don't care how much it will hurt me."

He took a step forward which made me flinch. My eyes were already stinging with the unbidden tears.

"That's how it's supposed to be, right? Loving someone can really hurt sometimes. But I wouldn't change a thing." He shook his head, taking my hands in his and preventing me from wiping the tears that escaped my eyes. "I wouldn't change a single thing about that, Kinomi, because I am in love with you."

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Heeeey! I'm still alive! :'3

Believe it or not, the next chapter is the final chapter! Finally, after almost five freaking years of writing this, we can finally close this book very soon. LMAO do I have readers from 2015? That would be really cool if you stay tuned from beginning until the end. XD

I reaaally need to get some sleep now so I'll see you later! -- Lyn