XLV.

Kinomi.

I was home for a moment. But maybe I was just dreaming. And if it really was just a dream, I hope that it could last for as long as I'm allowed to.

"Why not?" I manage to choke out, confused at his actions.

I felt his deep breaths against my neck, and he stayed quiet. Even with the effects of alcohol, I could still feel how warm he was. Then after a few moments, he pulled away and stared into my eyes.

"Looks like you're a little sober now." Tsukishima muttered, then he fished a handkerchief in his pocket, wiping my tears away with it. "You're still the same crybaby from years ago." He sighed. "But I know you're not that stupid to do something you know you can't handle."

His touch made my skin tingle. It was enough to break and mend my heart at the same time, and it reflected through the new batch of tears in my eyes. I don't know how I'm going to explain these feelings or if I'm even allowed to feel this way.

"I can handle it..." I retorted with a small voice.

"No, you can't." He countered. "Otherwise, you wouldn't be in this situation."

"I didn't mean to bother you. In fact, I don't even want to see you again." I admitted, my gaze lowering down because I was too scared to see his reaction. "It just reminds me of the decisions I have to stand by." I shook my head.

"Which is?" He asked carefully.

"To leave you alone." I hugged my arms.

He attempted to stand up which made me immediately dart my head up and grab his hand by instinct. Then I quickly let go upon realizing what I just did.

"Sorry..." I mumbled, embarrassed.

What the hell did I just do? I'm the one who talks big about leaving yet I'm the one who's scared as fuck to be left by him!

"I'm not leaving, if that's what you wanted to know." He said. "I'm just going to get you some extra blankets."

I just watched him rummage through the cabinets to take a thick, pink comforter out. The silence was accompanied with tension but it wasn't the kind that is uncomfortable. To be honest, this was the first time I felt really glad that he was here with me since I arrived. Maybe because deep inside I knew this moment wouldn't last.

"Here. Get some sleep." He muttered as he gave me the comforter. He occupied his spot earlier then stared into my eyes again. I nodded, then lied down and snuggled inside the thick blankets, closing my eyes.

"Tsukishima?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." I whispered.

I felt him shift his position, but he never replied. I felt his stare at me but I didn't mind it. It's ironic how I knew how much he hated me but it felt like I was in the safest place in the world right now. And he never left until I drifted into a deep sleep.

~*~

I could already feel the throbbing headache before I could even open my eyes. A groan escaped my dry lips as I slowly sat up, holding my head as I rest against the headboard of the bed. It was one of those terrible hangovers. The last time I'd had this kind of hangover was when Tetsurou dragged me to drink with him at the house because he was a curious cat. I needed to unwind, he said. It'll be fun, he said. I puffed out a breath. I also found out that I get really red, hot and blotchy so I never touched alcohol ever since.

Even with the throbbing headache and slightly itchy skin, I drank the half-empty glass of water on the nightstand to put moisture to my dry throat. My mind instinctively went back to our conversation last night. Alcohol is such a huge scam. I thought that it can drown all of my feelings, guilt, regrets and my could have beens, but it all just amplified and resurfaced everything. I forced myself to forget the look of hurt and disdain in his eyes as he stared straight into me. Even in my drunken dreams, my thoughts were still filled with the thoughts of how sorry I am and how much I had missed him.

With a sigh, I reached for my phone and turned it on, surprised to find it fully charged. There I saw numerous text and calls from my friends and family.

Tora:

Why aren't you answering my calls and texts? Where the hell are you?!

Aoi:

Text me as soon as u read this. luv u xx

Saito Yuka-san:

Sorry :) I had to.

Noah:

Mimi!! I think I'm in loveeeee <3

Tora:

Oh nvm, your brother just said you spent the night at your ex's. . . are you two back together?

Eira:

Are you okay, Kinomi-chan? I can't believe Yuka ditched you. I'll send our driver to fetch you tomorrow.

Tetsurou:

I covered up for you in case you wouldn't be able to go home tomorrow. Friendly reminder, sis: keep it PG. *wink wink*

I rolled my eyes at their texts, not bothering to reply to any of them. It was already 5:48 am when I carefully climbed out of bed, my balance slightly unsteady. I opened my bag to pull out my notepad, ripping a page out of it and scribbled an apology and a thank you. I left it on the nightstand and collected my belongings, then slowly crept out of the room. I bet I look like shit right now, and I wanted nothing more than to get out of here and go home to take a shower to ease my hangover.

The house didn't change a lot since the last time I went here six years ago. I passed by quietly, memories resurfacing once again. I made my way downstairs with light treads, scanning the empty living room before making my way towards the front door but I stopped dead on my tracks when I heard someone clear their throat.

"Well, well, well, who do we have here?" A smooth female voice called out, which made my heart sink to the pit of my stomach. I slowly peered over my shoulder like a criminal caught red-handed to see her with a satisfied smirk plastered on her lips, hands on her hips with a pink apron on.

"K-kina-san..." I managed to squeak out.

"Where do you think you're going?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

"U-um..." I swallowed nervously. My heart fluttered upon seeing her warm, gentle smile.

Kina-san pressed her hands together then went over to take my bag. "Kina-san?" I questioned, bewildered.

"I'm going to take your bag hostage. You're not allowed to leave until I say so." She stuck her tongue out, teasing me.

"B-but I need to go back to Tokyo—"

"What, you're just going to leave like that after disappearing off the face of Japan for so many years? I am so upset with you, missy." Kina-san shook her head as if disappointed. Then she went behind to push me toward the bathroom. "Kei said that you're going to sneak out so I should be on the look-out. What do you know? He still knows you from the inside-out." She chuckled. "I already put clothes in the bottom drawer. Take a shower, dear, you look like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"I did... literally." I mumbled to myself once I closed the bathroom door behind me. I stripped off my clothes and started taking a quick, cold shower to ease the pounding headache. I also changed into Kina-san's fresh floral dress.

I went back to the kitchen to see her still preparing breakfast. When she sensed my presence, she turned around to meet me. She smiled warmly at me. "Hello there, Kinomi-chan."

I rubbed my arm in embarrassment, not having the courage to look back at her in the eyes. "Hello, Kina-san." I muttered.

"You look..." She scanned me from head to toe, and I know that she also noticed the large rashes appearing on my body before she shook her head with a smile. "lovely." I pouted in dismay. "Snack on those French toasts for the time being and there's also coffee." She took out a cup from the drawer and handed it to me.

"Okay... thank you." I said with a small voice, obediently pouring myself a cup of coffee and taking a bite out of the French toast, tasting the sogginess and egginess of it firsthand. I just noticed that Kina-san watched me from the corner of her eyes.

"So? How's my French toast, Chef?" She turned to me with a glint of anticipation in her eyes. It reminded me of when I was still a culinary student anticipating for the answer of my teacher when she tasted my handiwork.

I blinked in surprise, swallowing before replying. "It's... delicious." She narrowed her eyes, which made me look away with a sweat-drop. "It's a bit... soggy and eggy. But it's just me."

"How do you make your French toasts, dear?"

"Um..." I thought for a moment. "I usually put half and half as a substitute for the milk so it'll be a bit more heavy, and the ratio of the milk and eggs have to be balanced so that it will not be too wet and soggy. Um... and the ideal thickness of the bread is about three-fourth to one inch thick." I said sheepishly, gesturing her thin French toast.

Kina-san nodded in agreement, then she asked me to demonstrate how I make my French toasts. She just watched in fascination as I moved swiftly in the kitchen like I usually do. I added a few extra ingredients and garnished it with berries and maple syrup. After I was done, I smiled in satisfaction because it turned out good than I expected.

"Wow! I could eat these every day." Kina-san beamed whilst chewing the bread, nodding in satisfaction. "You'd really make a good wife." She chuckled, looking at me with a mischievous glint in her eyes. Not long after, Tsukishima walked in already in his work attire while we were busy cleaning the kitchen.

"Good morning, Kei." Kina-san greeted her son.

"Morning." He greeted while pouring himself a glass of water. He glanced at me as he did so. I busied myself by grabbing the three plates of breakfast and attempted to leave the kitchen when he asked. "Why do you look so red?" I turned to him to see his eyebrows knitted together in question.

"That's the normal reaction of my body to alcohol," I answered with a light shrug. "I get really red and rashes sometimes appear."

"If that's the case, then why'd you still drink?" His tone turned a bit more stern.

"You already know the reason, right?" I retorted and he just rolled his eyes then talked to his Mom, while I went out of the kitchen to put the plates on the dining table.

"Kinomi-chan?" Akiteru-san walked in time just as I placed the plate on the table. "That's you, isn't it?"

"Hi, Akiteru-san." I greeted with a small smile.

"Wow, it's been so long! You look so much different now! How are you?"

"I'm okay." I chuckled sheepishly.

"Wait, does that mean..." He glanced behind me, and I followed his gaze to see Tsukishima and Kina-san walking towards us, ready to join us for breakfast. "Are you two back together?"

"No." Tsukishima and I said in unison.

Kina-san giggled. "You took the words right out of my mouth, Aki."

"Not yet?" Akiteru-san asked us.

"No." Tsukishima answered in an irritated manner. Akiteru-san just shrugged.

"Oh, nobody told me we have a guest." Akito-san walked in his dignified white uniform. He offered me a small smile. "What a surprise. Nice to see you again, Kinomi-san. But why do you look so red?"

"She's had too much to drink last night." Kina-san answered, which made my blood climb up to my face in embarrassment.

"So you're allergic to liquor? I think we still have some antihistamine meds. Make sure to take some after breakfast."

They say... that missing someone is like taking off something you wore for a very long time. It felt like it was still there... but it isn't. That's what I thought the first time I shared a meal with the Tsukishima family. And I still believe in it until now. It felt really weird yet surreal sharing a meal with his family again. It was like we were back to how things once were, to how we once were.

"Chef Kinomi-chan, you've really outdone yourself. I remember you being so thin and pale and barely having any appetite. Now look at you preparing five-star meals for us!" Kina-san said merrily. I just let out a bashful smile.

"I've read the articles about you. You're one of the youngest pastry chefs to ever win a Michelin star. You've been offered quite a lot of positions in various world-renowned restaurants but you decided to earn your first Michelin star at a restaurant that just opened two years ago." Akiteru-san said, a smile decorating his features.

I nodded, a bit surprised that he knows these things. "The owner of that restaurant is my senior in college and one of my closest friends, too." I explained, taking a sip of my second cup of coffee. "I wanted to support him so I decided to work for him."

"You also inspected a number of Michelin-starred restaurants and was invited to judge in MasterChef Australia along with Gordon Ramsay but you declined the offer." Akiteru-san added.

"Wow, Nii-chan. What a proud stalker you are." Tsukishima deadpanned.

"Thanks." Akiteru-san said with a proud smile, too proud to sense his brother's sarcasm.

Kina-san had this look that says she's more than impressed. "I never thought that you're quite famous in England! Why did you decline to be a judge in MasterChef, Kinomi-chan?"

"I really didn't like the publicity, so..." I bit my chopsticks, shrugging.

"But still, I'm so proud of you, honey!" Kina-san expressed with a radiant smile.

My lips broke into a smile of gratitude. "Thank you." I said wholeheartedly.

"So with how busy your life has been abroad, I assume that you wouldn't stay here for good?" Akito-san asked carefully.

I shook my head, my smile slightly faltering. "No, I'm afraid not."

Akito-san glanced at his youngest son from across the table, seeing him just eating his share like his question wasn't asked in order to get a reaction from him. Then he smiled at me. "Hmm, shame."

After breakfast, Kina-san returned my bag. The men were already getting ready to leave for work which will then leave me with Kina-san. I'm going to return to Tokyo as well, but I still wanted to take my time saying goodbye to her because this will be the last time I'd get to do so.

"I'm sorry, Kina-san," I muttered with a small smile.

"For what, dear?"

"For breaking your son's heart."

"Oh, Kinomi-chan," She cooed, then pulled me into a tight hug. "I admit that I also got upset by what you did. But I know that you're only thinking of what's best for him. You got hurt, too. But please don't make the same mistakes again. I can only imagine how much you both loved each other to still be so much in love until now."

"What do you mean?" I pulled away, staring at her with a confused face. But she just smiled at me.

"My dear, what kind of love that comes without a cost?" Then she looked through me, and I turned to see Tsukishima staring at me. "Go on, he's waiting for you. I told him to walk you to the station."

"Kina-san..." I whined. But she just smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

The walk to the bus station was a sequence of deafening silence. I didn't mind it but at the same time I do. But there was nothing even worth to talk about. I bit my lower lip as I glance at him through my peripheral vision, seeing him focused on the way also.

My feet came into a halt upon arriving at the bus stop and so did he. I was waiting for both the bus to arrive and for him to break the ice.

"Are you seriously just going to leave without saying a word?" He asked me, irritation laced in every syllable.

"I guess I am." I muttered.

Tsukishima let out an exhale. "Berry..." He whispered, making my heart thump against my chest.

Berry. It still sounded so good to hear from him.

"I'm still so angry with you... I still can't find a way to let you in. But I also don't know if I can take it if you leave me again either." I looked at him in surprise. "What do I even expect? You're so good at leaving, anyway."

I lowered my gaze to the ground. "You can take it, just like how you've taken it for six years. It's okay to be angry, Kei. It's okay to be so angry with me. I was once in your shoes, too. I'd learned that your anger is the part of you that knows you deserve better. Your anger is the part of you that loves you and knows you deserve to be loved. And you do... so it's alright to be angry with me."

It was a mistake. Coming back and complicating his life again was a mistake. Being with him is a mistake. But loving him... loving Tsukishima Kei was all I could live for. I could never love any man the way I had loved him.

The bus arrived and stopped in front of us. I was about to get in when he spoke. 

"Why is it always easy for you to leave me?"

I smiled, but didn't bother to meet his gaze. "Because staying will only remind you of the things that hurt. So if you don't remember me, you'll be happy."

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Sooo... online classes have started and I just squeezed a few hours out of my busy schedule to write this :3. I think I will be less active in writing but I promise I won't leave this story unattended because we're almost at the end (that's why the pacing has slowed down). And I've had reallyyyy bad period cramps I just wanted to lie down all day :'< Any remedies you have for period cramps? I'm always open to suggestions XD

And omgsss, I just really wanted to share this beautiful illustration of Kinomi by my wonderful friend, HandTheirEnd

Her stories are so beautifully written and I take inspirations from them! I can describe them as delicate garden of poetry and I learned a lot from her. Hihi, thank you so much for the illustration and inspiration, Nanabiiii. :")

thank you for reading, minna-san!! -- Lyn