XLIV.

Kinomi.

Nothing.

There was a time in my life where only happiness existed. But when I stared at my reflection in the mirror, I knew that I was looking at a girl who's not sure if she ever deserved it at all. Tsukishima Kei forces me to acknowledge that.

"Kinomi?" Aoi called as she slightly stagger her way to me. I quickly wiped the tear that escaped from my right eye then turned the faucet on to wash my face.

"Yeah?"

"Was that tension I felt earlier?" She slurred, standing beside me to wash her mouth after vomiting her guts out. Perceptive, aren't you, Aino? Even when drunk.

"What tension? You're so drunk you're imagining things." I shrugged with a light chuckle. "Are you finished vomiting now or are you just resting?"

"I just need to sit down for a moment, hehe..."

When we finally exited the restroom, I half expected Tsukishima to still be standing outside and I was relieved when he was no longer there. I didn't expect to see him here of all places. I'm sure he was dragged in here against his will.

But either way, I don't think I'd have the audacity to show my face to him anymore. But that's fine with me, I'm going to return to Tokyo tomorrow and spend the remaining days of my leave in there.

"What took you guys so long?" Yuka-san asked. I only shrugged in response, occupying my seat whilst Aoi plopped on the seat beside Jiro-kun.

"I think I even vomited what I ate yesterday..." Aoi grumbled, resting her head against her boyfriend's shoulder.

"Is that even possible?" Reina chuckled, pressing on the remote control because she's going to sing yet again.

"That's what you get for drinking too much, Aino." Jiro-kun reprimanded.

"Please spare me the nagging, babe... my world is literally spinning right now. And..." Her hooded eyes shot to me, slightly frowning at me. "You are such a killjoy, Mikazuki Kinomi! I haven't seen you in years and yet you don't want to drink with me!" She whined.

"Don't force her, dummy. She doesn't want to." Yuka-san scolded yet again. Aoi only groaned in response.

"I don't get it..." Aoi looked up at the ceiling with hooded eyes.

"What?"

"A lot of people have called me stupid and dumb for doing the things that I want, then there's people like you. I mean, shouldn't it be the other way around? Did you know that I once went out on a date with Seijoh's ace?"

"Seijoh's ace? Iwaizumi-san?" I asked, eyes dilating in surprise.

"Duh! Who else was the hottest ace in this prefecture? None other than the Iwaizumi Hajime! I made a bet with Oikawa-san that if I scored five consecutive points with my serves, he'll set a date for Iwaizumi-san and I. It didn't end well for Oikawa-san though." I snorted in amusement. I bet Oikawa-san received a lot of beating from Iwaizumi-san that time. "Iwaizumi-san and I had lots of fun! It was a once in a lifetime opportunity! Ah, those were the days." She giggled despite feeling like shit.

"Uh-oh, someone's missing the good old days, Jiro." Yuka-san chuckled to her cousin, taking a sip of her liquor.

"That's not what I meant. I love this man more than anything in this world, even though he's such a kuudere. And oh, do you know how Jiro and I got together? I boldly told him that I like him, turns out that he liked me, too, and voila! Almost seven years and counting!"

"Okay, you've had an adventurous life. So what's your point?" I asked, my eyebrows arched.

"My point is, if I haven't confessed to Jiro, then we wouldn't have ended up together, right? This guy's too much of a kuudere to make a move on me!"

I crossed my arms across my chest. "Why should I confess to a person who clearly hates me, Aoi?"

"You and Tsukishima-san have waaay too much self-control. You both are too reserved, maybe that's why you get along. But that also seems to be the problem."

"What?"

"Do you know why people like me are the happiest?" Aoi turned to me, giving me a smug smirk. "Come on, ask me why."

I sighed. "Why?"

"Because we swallow our fears and take a leap of faith."

"But there are limitations, Aino-chan." Yuka-san interjected, her expression turned serious. "I've also been at that phase where I'd been selfishly choosing what makes me happy every time. But it only ended up hurting me and the person I love." She shrugged as she sipped on her beverage again. "I had dozens of boyfriends and as a romance author, I have a lot of experiences. You gotta use your mind sometimes, you know."

"Ooh! I've read your latest novel, Yuka-chan! Cinnamon Girl is hands down, one of your best novels yet!"

They're still talking amiably in the background but I completely zoned out of the conversation. My thoughts drifted back to Aoi's words and it hit me so deep I felt a surge of guilt once again.

It's my fault I'm not happy but after what I did to Tsukishima, I condemned my own happiness. I wouldn't deny the guilt and regret for hurting him and I wanted to apologize and undo it, but then I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth whenever he looks at me with those eyes full of hatred. It's fine... that's how it's supposed to be. He's supposed to hate me. I'll ask for his forgiveness but I'll also understand if he doesn't forgive me. That way, it'd be easier for me to leave.

I don't like the taste of alcohol, and I don't understand how some people even like it... like Aoi for example. It tastes like shit then I'll feel like shit the next day. I shouldn't drink because I still have to go back to Tokyo tomorrow.

I took a shot glass and downed it in one go. I winced as the alcohol burned my throat, tears brimming my eyes in the process. After about five shots of vodka, I was getting used to the alcohol in my system.

I pulled out my phone and figured that my phone is already on low battery. I didn't mind it as I searched for the earliest flights back to London. Reina's singing voice was ringing through my ears, making my head hurt. She's singing an English song.

'There was a time when broken hearts and broken dreams were over

There was a place where all you could do was wish on a four-leaf clover

But now is a new time, there is a new place where dreams just can't come true

It started the day when I left you, oh'

I stood up, realizing that I was already a bit tipsy as I snatched the microphone from Reina's hands, much to her surprise. I looked at the lyrics on the karaoke machine and continued singing the song.

'I could never love again the way I loved you, oh

I could never cry again like I did when I left you

And when we said goodbye, oh the look in your eyes

Just left me beside myself without your heart

I could never love again now that we're apart'

"Fucking romance!" I exclaimed through the microphone, laughing hysterically. They all gave me a weird look as I gave the microphone back to Reina. I went back to my seat and took a glass of beer then took a large sip out of it. "Ne, ne! Did you guys know that my jerk face of an ex said that I still haven't moved on from him? Jokes on him because it's true!" I took a sip of my beer again, chuckling as I shake my head in disbelief. "The nerve he had to say to me, 'Even if you stay, that doesn't mean that I can be with you again.'" I mimicked his voice, adjusting my imaginary eyeglasses. "Wow! In all fairness, that was a good line. But that actually fucking hurt like hell." They all shared each other weird looks. "I know where I stand, you know? You think that I'm happy I finally saw you again? Hell yeah! But you're clearly not so I have to leave... ugh... what am I even saying?"

"She's drunk." I heard someone remark, I think it was Yuka-san.

"Yeah, mighty drunk." Jiro-kun said.

"I'm not drunk! I'm just... half-drunk."

"Wow, nice one, Kinomi! I'm not the only drunk person now!" Aoi exclaimed with a wide grin.

"I never thought that there's a much worse case than you." Jiro-kun drawled at his girlfriend.

Reina sighed. "I think we've all had enough for the night."

"I'll take Kinomi-chan home. We're gonna go back to Tokyo together anyway." Yuka-san said.

Oh my fucking goodness, I can't walk straight and my heels are killing me. Yuka-san was having a hard time supporting my balance as we walk on ahead back to Tora's house. Tora's house? Where is it again? Where are we? I can't remember the way back to her house.

"Call your aunt to pick us up, Kinomi-chan." Yuka-san told me.

I shook my head. "Phone's dead..."

"Okay, you can call her on my phone." She rummaged through her bag for her phone then lent it to me.

"I... don't know my aunt's phone number, Yuka-san..."

Her phone suddenly rang, which then made her spare a gaze at the caller ID and her eyes widened. "Punyemas, Keiji's calling again... what does he want now?" She mumbled to herself. She declined the call then heaved out a sigh.

"Ah... my head hurts, Tsukki..."

Yuka-san looked at me in a weird manner, then she sighed again. "Just take a seat over there, Kinomi-chan. I'm going to buy something for your headache."

She pointed at a metal railing thingy and without another word, I tentatively took a seat on it, almost toppling backwards because of the heavy gravity. Yuka-san looked at me with a small smile then shook her head in amusement, mumbling something under her breath before she proceeded inside Shimada Mart.

I massaged the bridge of my nose, squinting my eyes at the moon staring back at me. Why is it that no matter what I do and where I go, the moon is always with me? The moon hates me and doesn't want to be with me anymore, but why is he still here?

"Mikazuki-san?" I heard a small voice call out. Yamaguchi was looking at me with hesitation and worry in his eyes. I half expected Kei to be with him as they're always together but he's not here. What do you know? I was his girlfriend but they spent more time together than me. Maybe they're the ones meant to be together? I laughed at the thought.

"Yamaguchiiii, hiiii!" I beamed at him, making him furrow his eyebrows in confusion.

"Are you... drunk?" He took a reluctant step closer.

"What? No... of course not. See?" I shook my head, then attempted to stand up but I stumbled on my feet, but then he hastily caught me in his arms.

"Why are you here alone? It's dangerous for a woman to be out here this late at night... and drunk!" Yamaguchi said with a panicked tone. "Oh god, what should I do?"

"I want Tsukki..." I mumbled.

"What?"

"I want my Tsukki!" I cried out, making him give me this mixed expression I couldn't decipher. "Can I borrow your phone, Yamaguchi?"

He blinked in surprise. "Eh?"

"I just need to say something to Tsukki before I leave..."

"O-oh... okay?" He pulled out his phone from his pocket then handed it to me. "Do I need to text or call him for you?"

"Call him please so that I can yell at him." I smiled.

Kei.

I just arrived home when my phone suddenly rang inside my jean's pocket. I fished it out to see Yamaguchi calling which made me frown. He's well aware that if it's text-able, I don't usually entertain calls unless it's urgent. But it's strange. He rarely calls me and we just took on our separate ways earlier so what sense of urgency would he have at this time of the night?

"Hello—"

"Hey, darling!"

Darling. I blinked in surprise at the cheerful voice and endearment. I checked the caller ID once again and it's still Yamaguchi's name on the screen, making me frown.

"Mikazuki-san?"

"Oh, such good ears you have there, Kei! How'd you know it was me?"

My frown deepened if it was still possible. She's acting kind of strange. "Why do you have Yamaguchi's phone?"

"Becauseee I obviously don't have your number, you jerk face! I just called to inform you that you're riiiight! I'm the biggest scum of the world for even hoping just for a little bit that I still have a place in your heart... but fear not! I already booked a flight back to England and I won't ever come back! It's as if I never even existed—"

"You're drunk." I narrowed my eyes even though she didn't see it. Irritation tugged on my insides and I couldn't help the sigh that escaped my mouth as I ran a palm over my face. How I want to give her a good scolding right now for being so reckless.

"Drunk? Me? Pffft, funny. I've never been more sober, darling." I heard a voice in the background, might be Yamaguchi. "Shush there for a moment, Yamaguchi. I just need to talk to this salty lamp post."

"Stop being a bother. Go home and get some sleep." I said firmly.

"Home? That's where I intend to go. You said that you don't mind waiting as long as I end up coming back to you... but how come the door's locked now...?" She sounded like she's on the verge of tears.

I scoffed, smirking as I shake my head. She's so drunk she's breaking out of character. It's like the last time when she's so sick she acted just like this.

"I'm just joking!" Then she giggled, sniffling.

"It's not funny, though."

"I guess I just have a different sense of humor."

"You don't have a sense of humor." I deadpanned.

"Neither do you."

I sighed. "Where are you?"

"Oya? Why are you looking for me? I'm faaar, faaar away from you now because that's where I belong. I intend to stay away so don't come near me, you jerk!"

"Are you finished ranting?"

"Yes..."

"Give the phone back to Yamaguchi."

"Okay..."

After a few moments, it was Yamaguchi's voice that replaced on the other line. "Uh, Tsukki..."

"So? Where are you?"

"We're here at Shimada-san's."

"Stay there. Make sure she doesn't do anything reckless."

You're far away? You're just five minutes away, Kinomi. I turned on my heels and exited the house and marked my next destination which was the Shimada Mart.

You haven't changed a bit. You are still as reckless as ever. You tend to get reckless when you're too overwhelmed with something, that's why you always confided in me before. I wonder how you coped with the emotional stress you dealt over the years?

I could have just cared less. I could have just cut the call and let Yamaguchi deal with this. I didn't want anything to do with her anymore. I thought that hurting her feelings earlier will make me feel lighter but it certainly didn't do anything. But is that what I really want? Hurt her because she hurt me?

"Ah, Tsukki!" Yamaguchi called in relief. "Thank god you're here."

"Tsukki?" The woman questioned with an arched eyebrow. Then she shifted her gaze back to Kinomi, smirking at something I'm oblivious about.

"What are you doing in here?" Kinomi demanded, her half-lidded eyes shooting daggers at me.

"Shut up." I snapped at her. "Why are you so reckless?"

"No! I won't shut up! You're not my father and most especially not my boyfriend! So don't tell me what to do, Tsukishima Kei!" She yelled and bent down to take off her heels and she even threw it at me! I managed to barely dodge it while Yamaguchi exclaim in surprise.

"Hey, will you stop it?" I demanded.

"Make me! I dare you!" She hissed.

"Hmm, you guys look fine so I'm leaving her to your care now. Bye!" The woman said with a mischievous smile before walking away.

"The floor's so cold..." Kinomi bent down and hugged her knees. "Uwah, I wanna go home..."

I ran a palm over my face in frustration. "Come on, we'll take you home." I crouched, giving my back to her. "Get on my back."

Yamaguchi collected her bag and her shoes as I adjust her feather weight for a more comfortable position. I could smell the alcohol in her breath and clothes, making me wince.

"She's so wasted..." Yamaguchi commented with a sweat-drop as we walk back. He rummaged through her bag and pulled out her phone.

"Where do you live?" I asked her.

"In London." Was her simple reply, which made me let out a snort and an eye roll.

"Her phone's dead." Yamaguchi said.

"Great." I said sarcastically.

"How are we supposed to call for her relatives now?"

"Heck if I know."

Yamaguchi chuckled. "Doesn't this feel like déjà vu, Tsukki? You also gave Mikazuki-san a piggyback ride before."

"Are you suggesting that she spends the night in my house?" I asked him with an arched brow.

He only shrugged with a small smile. "Well, do we have any other options?"

I opened my mouth to reply but Kinomi abruptly ran her fingers gently through my hair and massaged my scalp, emitting tingles. "Oh, I'm right. Your hair's so fluffy."

I let out an exasperated sigh and just decided to shut up because I know for a reason that we wouldn't get any other better alternatives. I have no idea where she's residing right now and I also don't have her aunt's phone number.

When we arrived at my house, my parents and brother are already in their rooms because it's already late. Kinomi was sleeping soundly on my back and I didn't have any problem in climbing up the flight of stairs to put her in the guest room. I also charged her phone.

I went out for a while to grab her a glass of water just in case she wakes up in the middle of the night and get thirsty. When I returned, she was already seated on the bed, her hooded eyes focused on me.

"Why am I here?" She muttered as I set the glass on the nightstand, then I went to occupy the empty space of the bed in front of her.

"I don't know. You tell me, you reckless drunkard." I almost sneered at her.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not drunk?" She whispered as if strength left her body. She nudged me on the chest with her finger. "If I'm drunk, Kei, then why do I still feel guilty? Why does it still hurt? Why can't the alcohol make me forget you? Why?" She confessed as tears streamed down her face. She covered her face with her palms as she sobbed and let the shame devour her whole being. I just sat there in front of her, unmoving. "If I can't be with you anymore, then why am I here with you right now? If I'd known that we'll both be miserable from loving each other, then I should've just walked away before we fell! So now, Kei... show me how much you fucking hate me and I won't even—"

On impulse, I took her in my arms and sealed her in an embrace. "No, I won't do that." I whispered, making Kinomi's cries quiet down to little sobs. For a moment, it felt as if I had forgotten about all of the pain and anger I'd taken care of throughout the years. The world stopped and everything fell silent... except us.