XXIII.

When they say that you have to love yourself first in order for others to finally love you, no, I don't believe in that. When other people accept and love you for who you are, that's when you learn to truly love yourself.

I learned that the hard way, when someone learned to love me when I'd perceived myself as defective, dysfunctional and broken beyond repair. Despite all of my imperfections, someone still managed to love me. Even if he was the person I least expected, I was still moved; my heart was moved.

When he loved me, I learned that there was still hope for me, hope that shed light in my dark world and helped me see clearly. I was too disillusioned because of the pain, hatred and loneliness that I protected for so long. How ironic is that it was all because of love that I got hurt, and love was also the reason why I desire to become the best version of myself.

Maybe it was worth it after all. And now I've taken the very first step, and that is acceptance. I'd accepted the fact that the only thing I could do with my father and brother's memories is to cherish them, remember their memory, more and more until I die. Because I won't be able to when I perish.

I'd accepted my mother in my life again, though I haven't fully forgiven her yet but I was willing to give her a chance and to also guide and help me heal every step of the way. Her new family? I'm still not so sure about it...

I tried to glance at him without craning my neck to the side as I was drowning in my sea of thoughts, knowing that he was still by my side made me feel calm and warm even more.

There was this thing that I kind of like but it was frustrating at the same time. It was the fact that he didn't make his feelings obvious... or maybe he's right when he said that I was dense. I don't know what he's feeling right now, to be honest, given that he was born with a natural deadpanned nature and expression. I absolutely have no idea what he's thinking right now... if he's sad, relieved or angry; those expressions weren't evident on his face.

I'd told him that he didn't need to wait for me but deep inside, there was this part of me that hopes that he'll do otherwise. If he really loves me... but... there was not even a thing he could hold onto me.

Before he could sense my stare, my gaze lowered to find his hands that were inside the pockets of his coat, shielding them from the cold wind whistling around us, as if it wanted to tell us something.

It was already night, a few hours has passed since his confession, a few hours after I had showed weakness to my mother, a few hours after I had ran away from him...

"I left my uniform and bag at the cafe... damn it." I grunted to myself just as I calmed down a little bit and thought of the minor things. I sniffed as I rest my balance on the railings outside my apartment, taking in the breath of fresh air and the cold wind caressing my face, comforting me, only a little bit...

'You touched my body once,
It burns... me still softly.
Never forget,
Never again will be,
I cried.'

I adjusted the volume of my music as I get drowned in my own little bubble.

Why me? Why did you chose me, Tsukishima Kei? Why are you doing this to me?

'Waiting for... a gentle rain.
A gentle rain,
A gentle you.'

I don't even love myself... so how come? What did you saw in me?

I closed my eyes as those thoughts bombarded my mind. And then suddenly, I felt someone tap me on the shoulder and when I shifted my gaze to the person, my whole body jolted in shock.

"E-eh?! Oikawa-senpai?" I exclaimed in shock as I saw him with a light pout.

I saw his mouth move as if he was saying something but I didn't quite catch it because the music on my playlist overpowered his voice. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, a sign that I didn't get what he said.

'On a sidewalk of a city,
Are my screams just a whisper?
Busy people going nowhere,
See me soak in the rain--'

Oikawa-senpai took my earphones off, the pout still evident on his lips. "I said, I've been trying to call you several times but you just can't hear me. Can you please tone down your volume? You might get deaf, you know, Mika-chan." He basically scolded me, I thought for a moment that he only came here to scold me--wait, what is he doing in here?

"Sorry," I apologized, scratching the back of my head as if I was an innocent child being lectured. "What are you doing in here, Senpai?"

Just as I asked for his motive, his pout shifted into smirk. "I came to give these back to you." he reached out a plastic bag containing my uniform and my school bag. "Haru-chan told me you left your things so I volunteered to give them back to you."

"Oh. You didn't need to do that, Senpai, but thank you." I said gratefully but before I could take the items from his hand, he lifted them away, teasing me for a little bit. I gave him a blank stare and he chuckled before returning my belongings.

"How did it go?" He asked with a rather nonchalant tone, I didn't know if he was really interested to know what had happened between me and Tsukishima. But still, I answered him anyway. He rested his arms on the railings and I mirrored his move.

"Honestly? I don't know." I replied with a light chuckle, "I honestly don't know what I just did. I'm such an idiot, Senpai..."

Oikawa stayed there in silence, as if he was deep in thought. I didn't know that he would put much thought into this, I mean, I think of Tsukishima involuntarily sometimes but I just brushed all thoughts of him away, because he always done things that confuses me. One time, he acts as if he cares and then the next he'll just ignore me.

I wanted to hit my head against the metal railing just to ease my mind, but it might deal with matters much worse.

"Oikawa-senpai," I called out. When he didn't answer, I craned my neck to the side to get a view of his face that was facing forward, still in his pool of thoughts. "Oi,Oikawa-senpai," I repeated, a little louder this time. My eyes narrowed in dismay. "OI!" I exclaimed which made him snap out of his thoughts.

"What?"

"You're not even wearing earphones," I pointed out, my eyes still narrowed. "Is there something bothering you?

He shook his head with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Nah. Nothing you need to worry about."

"This is serious, Senpai," My gaze shifted back at the sky, letting out a tired sigh. "Well, to me, at least."

"Feelings are involved, of course it's serious."

I hummed in response. I couldn't agree more. I knew what it's like to have your feelings ignored... it's like crying the teardrops you tried so hard to keep at bay, falling down beneath our feet and it becomes fragments of how it used to be. That's what became of my heart, it shattered into fragments; ignored, isolated, left.

But Tsukishima... he was willing to pick up the broken pieces, aware that he might get hurt in the process.

But why would he do that? What can he gain from it?

"How come I never noticed?"

"Maybe you did," He looked at me, "You're just trying so hard to deny it to yourself."

"But why?" I asked, frustrated. "Why me?"

He just shrugged in response, giving me a coy smile. "Our heart always tend to choose the most unexpected person."

"I chose you."

Love is a choice, as I'd read one time. At first, I didn't understand how it was choice over feeling, because love was supposed to give us the warm, fuzzy feeling of happiness when you're with that person right? But I didn't give those to him and that was I couldn't understand.

But there was more to it than feelings. It was a conscious commitment, something that you choose to build or work out with the person who has chosen the same. Because let's face it, feelings don't remain forever. They always change like seasons do. The feelings fade and you'll suddenly realize that you're no longer happy with your relationship. How can I say? My parents are a living proof of that.

My mother loved my father. Key word, loved. However, she had a choice whether to find a way to fix the mess she had made. She had a choice to open up to her husband, to save up what's left of their relationship. Instead, she chose to cheat on him.

"I chose to love you."

Those statement kept on ringing at the back of my head, pinned to my brain and heart.

"Berry," He called me by the nickname he gave me. At normal days, I'd be annoyed; however, I think I'll dearly miss him call me by that name.

"Tsukishima,"

"Call me by my name," He stopped right in front of my apartment building. He faced me, his honey brown eyes sparkling behind those glasses of his.

"K-kei..." I looked away, a little embarrassed. I was still not accustomed to call him by his first name, though.

I was quite bewildered when he put his hand over my head, gently patting it. My eyes matched the intensity of his gaze as his hand descended to caress my flushed cheek.

I was no longer afraid. My heart was thumping loud against my chest, indeed, but it wasn't because of my usual trigger towards fear. No, I was no longer afraid, I needed to face my fears.

"Prove to me," he mumbled, almost inaudible. I closed my eyes, feeling in the warmth of his hand, my hand went to cover his. "that waiting for you would be worth it." I nodded my head. "I don't like promises," Me neither, "But I'd take a chance for you." I think I'd do the same... "Promise me... promise me that you'll come back to me."

"I promise." I whispered sincerely, "Please don't fall in love with someone else." I opened my eyes to look at him, trying my best to make him see the sincerity in my eyes.

He smiled, "You don't even have to ask."

He slowly leaned down and I closed my eyes just as I realized that our lips met, completely thawing my heart like a dying ice cream under the summer.