XXII.

Kei.

I have missed, yet again.

"You're spacing out, Tsukishima! Focus!" I heard Ukai-san yelled on the background. I mentally snickered as I crouched my hands on my knees, panting. I stared at the floor of the gymnasium as I saw droplets of my sweat dribbling past my chin and falling to the floor, thinking how pathetic I might have looked at the moment. I wiped the sweat on my neck using the back of my hand, sighing heavily.

I never thought that she could affect me like this, up to the point that I get oblivious to my studies and activities. I usually get one or two mistakes in quizzes and tests but earlier I only got a passing score. And now... my blocking and receives became dull. Just how did I let this happen?

I was so pissed that time that I had no choice but to tell her what I really felt. She had cornered me, I thought that I could go through even without telling her that I loved her because it was unnecessary, I thought.

"Tsukki..." Yamaguchi called out in a worried tone, getting an idea to the cause of my lack of concentration. Well, he witnessed everything after all... and I wished that he didn't.

My teammates' attention were probably at me right about now but even so, I ignored their stares and instead I went to the bench to grab my gym bag and gone straight to the door.

"Hey, we're still in the middle of training. Where are you going, Tsukishima?" Sawamura-san asked in a half authorative, half confused tone.

Heck if I know. "Sorry, I have to go out for a moment..." I said in a nonchalant tone as I slid the door behind me.

I don't usually ditch volleyball training but maybe I just need a little time alone to clear my head.

I wiped my sweat using my towel as I trusted my feet to lead me to somewhere quiet, where I could think about what's happening around me.

When I was sure that I was away from any form of disturbance, I sat down under the tree with my gym bag beside me and took a deep breath, calming my exhausted nerves. I rested my elbows on my knees as I leaned my back against the tree for support as I closed my eyes, the image of Mikazuki-san's tear-stained face came into mind.

It's easy to say that she didn't deserve the pain she experienced and it's not her fault for not wanting to trust other people ever again. But not doing anything that could change her perception and proving to her that I am trustworthy... I'm just as guilty.

I wanted to love her, take care of her and heal all of her pain but... she didn't want it to be me; however, it didn't matter to me anymore.

I was in love with her but it wasn't the kind of love that desires to be reciprocated. I mean, I'd also be happy if she told me that she felt the same for me but I guess she'd rather have her heart broken by a person she had known longer, because it was more bearable, I guess. Other than that, she has a fear of emotional attachment, specifically, a fear of falling in love. I know it wasn't in her intention to make me fall for her and it certainly wasn't in her to-do list to bother with somebody like me.

Who was I to her, anyway?

But it was fine with me though. All I want right now is the best for her, which in her case isn't me. But I can still love her either way. I can wait... until she overcomes this fear and then maybe...

"Kei-kun," I heard a very familiar voice call out my name in a very gentle, soothing manner. Ah, this girl... now I understand her now... because we are the same now.

"Hey," I muttered, my eyes still closed.

I heard her smile, "What are you doing in here? You still have volleyball training, right?"

"I'm thinking." I said.

"Oh. I see. Sorry if I disturbed you." I heard her footsteps of retreat but I stopped her.

"Yumiko," I called out, making her halt.

"Yes?"

"I think... I'm beginning to understand you now..." I drawled, taking a deep breath. "and it kinda hurts." I chuckled lowly.

Yumiko was quiet, as expected from her. I opened my eyes to gauge her reaction and I saw her with a smile plastered on her lips. I looked up at her, the sunlight shone her delicate face.

"Kind of ironic, huh?" She chuckled and she looked up at the sky, adjusting her glasses to the brightness. "So your questions were answered now." Those words came out of her mouth like it's nothing but pointing it out like that made me remember the words I've said that shattered her heart to pieces. "But... our cases are still different, Kei-kun." she looked down upon me, a different glint held on her eyes behind those glasses of hers. "I'd fought a battle I never knew that I already lost from the start."

"She didn't need to tell me that she never loved me, Yumiko." I stated bluntly which made her look away.

"But... I loved you... so why isn't it me? Why couldn't it be me?" She mumbled with a sad tone.

"Because you loved the wrong person." My lips curled up into a small smile. "Your love will never fail... because in the end, it's never wrong to fall in love. I'm sorry for hurting you, Yumiko. I was ignorant, cynical... everything that you'd like to call. I realized how badly I had treated you in the past and--"

"It's okay, Kei-kun." she cut me off and walked towards to where I was sitting on and sat beside me. "I'm okay now." she looked at me and I held her gaze for a few seconds before looking away with a light chuckle.

"You're not."

"I am." She insisted. "You don't need to apologize though. It's not your fault you couldn't love me back."

"I never bothered to love you back."

"I never minded that. We were too young back then. All that ever mattered to me then was to show you how much I loved you." She sighed then leaned her back against the tree. "You said it, it's not wrong to fall in love, it's perfect in its own way."

"You just gave the perfect love to the wrong person." I looked at her then she looked back at me. "Your love for me is pure and perfect. It's me that isn't."

~*~

I heard a knock on my door as I was reading a novel. I stood up and went to unlock my door and it revealed my mother who had a grim expression laced on her face.

I raised an eyebrow in confusion, "Is there something wrong, Mom?"

"Kinomi-chan called." Mom started, which made my heart thump. "She was asking for you to meet up with her at the park in fifteen minutes."

"Why?"

Mom only shrugged, a small smile forming on her lips. "Who knows? She just told me some... things and that she needed to talk to you." she smiled then turned around and walk away. "Don't make a girl wait for too long, Kei." Mom gave me a dismissive wave of her hand which left me dumbfounded for a few moments.

After what happened a few days ago, after everything I'd said to her, I don't know if I still have the audacity to face her again. But who cares? Not me.

I let out a sigh as I rummaged through my closet to get a coat because it's kind of cold outside. The park is a ten minute walk, six minutes if I ran. But I'll meet her in fifteen minutes so I guess I'll just walk on the way to the park.

With my white headphones on my ears, I played a random classical music and my mind suddenly went to form different kinds of scenarios. What does she need to talk to me about? Is it about her? About me? About us?

I arrived earlier than her. I sat on the swing and looked at my breath as it came out as a white smoke, it was really cold here in Miyagi, especially at dusk. I looked down on my hands that was resting on my lap, thinking about how hard it all has been.

Then suddenly, I heard the metal of the swing beside me move and when I turned to look at it, I saw a brunette wearing a gray hoodie, she was looking down at the ground as she slightly swings back and forth.

"Mikazuki...-san." It came out as a mere whisper and right when her last name escaped from my mouth, she stopped then looked at me, a faint smile plastered on her face.

"Hello." Her voice was icy, not the kind of cold that was nonchalant and such, instead it contained sadness. "I didn't expect you to really come here... though it would be understandable if you didn't."

"Why did you call for me?"

There was a moment of silence before she spoke again. "I wanted to apologize."

"For what?"

"For running away." She said, a smile evident in her tone. "You know besides pushing people away, running away from a dangerous situation is also one of my best assets."

I cocked a brow, "I'm a dangerous situation?"

She smiled, "I'm sorry,"

"You don't look sorry though." I looked away because her smile is killing me.

"It's not that I don't want it to be you... I just... feel like it's too much for me. I..." She sighed heavily as if she was in a struggle of her choice of words. "I feel like I don't deserve you."

"I chose you."

"I'm not a Pokemon, you know."

"I chose to love you."

I could feel her stare seep right into my soul. "Thank you for loving me even though I didn't deserve it. Even though... even though I couldn't even love myself." she said, her fingers grazing through the horizontal scars on her wrist, her battle scars. "Maybe that's also one of the reasons why I need to go away."

My head abruptly snapped to her face, my forehead creased in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Oh. Kina-san didn't tell you?"

I shook my head. Maybe that explained Mom's attitude.

Mikazuki-san took a deep breath then ran her fingers through her brown hair. "I'd decided to go to Tokyo with Mom." she glanced at me.

I blinked, taking in the new gained information. I nodded slowly, a cue for her to continue.

"I'm going to try to forgive her. You know, I realized so many things just now. I realized how tired I am for holding on to my hate and bitterness for her for such a long time. We're just hurting each other more and more. I realized I have to let go of all the pain, hate and suffering so that I can be happy again, so that I can start anew. I realized that I could do all of it by forgiving her and giving her a chance. If I'm able to fix myself then, when I am ready... maybe then..." She trailed off which made me look at her and I was quite shocked to see her looking back at me intently, her eyes sparkling. "Maybe then... I could be worthy of someone's love."

My eyes widened because I was quite taken aback for a few moments. I pursed my lips in a thin line after I had regained my composure and asked her. "When will you return?"

She shrugged with a smile, "Who knows? There's no guarantee I'll return. You don't have to wait for me." When I didn't reply, she continued. "We're still young and we'll meet new people. There's no guarantee that our feelings will stay the same after a few years." She stood up from her seat then faced me. "Thank you for everything... up until now, Tsukishima. You're still a jerk, though."

I smiled at her last sentence even though my heart was already constricting inside me. She gave me a smile with the same intensity.

"Let me walk you home." For the last time...

Her smile widened and she nodded her head. I also stood up from my seat and we proceeded to make our way to her home, walking in comfortable silence side by side.

Maybe words weren't necessary for us. Our silence will speak for us. There were so many things that I wanted to say and do before she goes because this might be the last... I wanted to give her something to remember me by. Something that will make her have a hard time to forget me.

How I wished her house was miles away... so that I could be with her even longer.