Words: 1778

Triggers: It's sad. Really sad. Angst? Idk.

Summary: Phil was told by someone, that Dan cheated on him. Phil of course believed them and started yelling at Dan, saying hurtful words in the heat of the moment. He meant none of them and wants Dan to forgive him... but get's a message from him. Just it wasn't Dan who sent the message.

A/N: Okay the summary and title look very weird... I did not notice that until now. Read til the end to understand... yes you might cry. BRING THEM TISSUES. xD Regardless of the sadness i hope you enjoy.

I love you guys

~Jo<3

29th January, 2013

Phil⚛: Dan?

Sent 11:13

  Phil⚛: Where did you go? It was my fault... I'm sorry. Please come back.
 I miss you. I need my bear back. I didn't mean to say what I said. I never
meant to call you those names! i don't regret meeting you. Please come back.

Sent 11:34 pm

Read 1:00 am  

30th January, 2013

  Phil⚛:  I know you read my text Dan. Please come back. I miss you and it hasn't
even been a day since you walk out. I get it that you need space, but it's been hours.
Come back home Dan. I'll fix everything. I never meant a word I said. I believe you Dan.

Sent 7:52 am

31st January, 2013

Dan☁: I can't come home Phil... I'm sorry.

Phil⚛: Bear please. I need you.   

 Dan☁: I can't. Goodbye Phil. 

  Phil⚛: Dan please!

Last message could not be sent. Connection was lost/Phone was disconnected.   

1st February, 2013

  Phil⚛: I don't know if this text will go through, since you probably turned
your phone off on me and all, but I'm sorry Dan. I hope that whatever you chose to do with your life is what you want. I can see that you clearly aren't interested any more and I understand. I really do. You deserve better than me after everything I said.

Sent 7:45 pm

Dan☁:  Phil?

Phil⚛:  Dan! 

Dan☁: Not quite. It's me... Chris. Dan came over, saying he was sorry?
And that he messed up big time? He was then going on to say goodbye...
I didn't feel right just letting him leave without watching him. Phil he
 walked out into the road. 

Phil⚛:  What do you mean Chris?  

Dan☁: Think about it Phil... He walked into the road. And I'm at hospital
with him right now. I took his phone to message you. I left mine at home. 

Read

 Dan☁: Phil? 

I felt like my heart was in my throat. My head was banging from the pain of crying. This was my fault. I called him names I never meant, but knew they got to him. I used his past against him. I said some things I should have never said. He messed up? No... I messed up. He did nothing but tell me the truth. Being the stupid over thinker I am, didn't believe him. My own boyfriend. The one who risked catching a train by himself to see me. An 18 year old... getting a train alone to see a 22 year old. I cold have been anybody... yet he still trusted me. Even though we had a few skype calls, I could have made anyone talk to him, and chose to meet him to kill him.

I could have acted like a good guy, just to mess around with him. He trusted me... and I didn't even do that for him when someone was accusing him. Accusing him of cheating on me. Something so stupid.

I struggled to call Dan's phone, sobbing while putting my coat on and grabbing my car keys. I ran out of the apartment, locked the door and ran down to the apartment car park. Chris answered the phone. 

"I'm so sorry Phil, you know that right? I never knew he was going to-" I got into the car and tried to control my sobbing. "What Ho-spital." He didn't give me the answer I was looking for, I turned the keys in the ignition. "Phil, don't drive when you are like this... that is a very bad idea." 

"Then come pick me up." I knew he had no car. "Phil you know I do-" I cut him off. "Then tell me what hospital so I can drive there." He went silent, I only head a sigh on the other end. "This is not funny. It's not a game Chris. There are two in our area... which is it?"

I finally got an answer from him, and I soon hung up, gripping the steering wheel tight as i started to leave the car park to drive to the hospital. To see Dan.

When I finally had my car parked, I got out and locked it, sprinting into the hospital. I was met at the door by Chris. Tears welled up in my eyes again and he held his arms out to me. "I'm so sorry Phil." I walked into his arms, hugging him tight. I can't believe what I have done. Dan could possibly die because of me. I felt my heart beat quicken, pulling away from the hug. "Where i-is he? Have you s-een him?" My crying slowly stopped. 

"Yeah... he's, He's not in a good state right now Phil. I don't think you shou-" I just want to apologize to him. He has every right to hate me after this. "Please Chris... I need to see him." He nodded, and started to walk us both to his room, Pj waiting outside. "Hey Phil. I'm sorry about what has happened." He had his arms out for a hug too, and I quickly hugged him. "It's fine Peej. It was my fault." I backed out of the hug. "I'm a horrible person. I did this to him." Warm tears slid down my cheeks. "It's not! Phil listen to me... It is not your fault. I promise. He was pretty upset at the time... and he wasn't thinking."

"But I'm the one who made him upset." I sighed and wiped my tears away with my sleeve, even though they just continued to fall. "I need to see him..." I mumbled. Pj nodded and moved away, letting me go to the door. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the worst. I don't want to see him in pain... what if he hurt himself really bad? 

I tried to push the thoughts away and opened the door. My heart cracked in half. I held a hand over my mouth and the tears started again. I felt weak and helpless. 

He was almost as pale as me, his caramel skin drained. His lips weren't their normal chapped pink. They're a very pale pink. Though they were still chapped. His eyes opened slightly looking at me. They weren't a chocolate brown, with the golden specs, sparkling under the light in the room. They were a dull brown, the life drained from them. His face was a little bit skinnier than normal. It wasn't just his face though... his arms looked a little bonier than normal. The same pale colour. He had a single cut stretching them his Elbow, down to the middle-ish part of his arm. He had a cut on one of his once rosy cheeks, and another on his forehead. A few light bruises dotted around his face.

I did this. This is my fault. I couldn't stop the tears. "Phil?" His voice was raspy and quiet. This isn't my Dan. He is broken. It's all my fault. "I'm so sorry. This is my fault. I made you do this. Just because I couldn't shut my gob. I never meant any of the things I said."

"Phil... it's okay. I'm okay." I shook my head. "You're not okay Dan! Have you seen yourself!" I didn't meant to shout.  I walked over to his side and held his hand. "I'm sorry Dan." 

"Phil, I know you said things you didn't mean. I know they were said out of anger. I forgive you." I looked at him through tear filled eyes. "But I can't hold on." Those words shot through me. They physically hurt. I felt like those words, dug into my chest and ripped my heart out. "What do you mean?" I knew exactly what he meant. I knew. I just had to make it worse for myself, and make him give me a full answer.

"It hurts Phil. The car didn't exactly drive slow. I broke... a lot of bon-" He stopped to cough. He sounded horrible. He sounded terrible. I sounds as  if it hurts to talk, never mind cough. He finished coughing, only to talk again. I listened. "I broke a lot of bones, and I don't think I'm going to make it. I wanted to try... I did Phil. The doctors said it's too late. I'm going to die either letting it happen, or die trying. I swore to Chris and Peej I would hold on until i got to see you. And... now I have."

The tears were falling. I wasn't trying to hold them back now. "I love you Philly. I will with you." He reached a hand up to put it to my chest, over my heart. "This is where I am, and it's where I'll stay." I took his hand from my chest to hold it. "Please Dan. Please don;t do this. I'm sure they were lying... I'm sure you can prove them wrong. You're fine right now aren't you? You can get better." 

"Phil, it's complicated... something inside me is broken, and it can't be fixed. It's killing me, and the doctors wouldn't tell me what it is. It's most probably something to do with the impact from the car." He stopped before starting again. "No matter what happens now, don't stay sad for the rest of your life. Move on. Find someone else. Be happy Phil. I'm sorry I did this. I wasn't thinking, and now my stupid actions have killed me..." He sighed. "Just, Do whatever you have to... to be happy."

I held his hands tighter in my own, thinking if I let go, he would disappear. "When we first met... I was so happy Phil. I finally had a best friend. I finally met my YouTube crush." He chuckled lightly, and I choked out a small laugh, still crying silently. "We did so many things together in the past four years. And I loved every second I spent with you... Phil..." Another quiet sob escaped my lips. 

"I love you Phil, and ever since I met you... This is the most fun... I've ever had..." His eyes closed, and his hands lost their grip from holding mine."I'm so sorry Dan." The string scared my mind. It's now  memory for the moment my best friend Daniel James Howell died. I don't want to be in a hospital as long as I live. I don't want the memories back of this moment. Though I will have to live with the memory that I killed him.

The one sentence he said, will never leave my mind. It will never be a forgotten memory. It will always be the one thing I definitely will remember. The last thing he said to me.

This is the most fun i've ever had.