"cant believe its ending this way"

~

cutting you out of my life involves a knife rusty from dried tears that leaves me bleeding instead of you.
it makes you laugh,
but its only funny in the way you laugh so hard you want to throw up.
over and over until your insides make sense again.
or there is nothing left to lose. either way.
you can only pour your heart out to the same deaf ears too many times before you don't have one left.
the shoulder you used to rely on turned cold.
fuck the "i gave all i can's"- i gave all i couldn't.
and fuck whatever love song you can think of-
the worst thing you can hear when you're alone is the sound of your own heart without hers.
i think my heart still beats just to remind me it beats alone.
we could live like this, instead we're dying like it.
the book flipped upside down on the nightstand with a weak spine but stuck on the best page.
this is handprints on a windowsill from either trying to get out or trying to get it.
maybe years ago she invented the wheel to leave me standing there in the dust and this is deja vu.
and we are the last "whatever" the engine gives out before you're running on empty.
so much time wasted obsessing over someone that probably won't remember my name in a year.
or a month.
too many times the penny should have landed on its back but landed on its head.
she says chemistry is found in science labs but i thought it was found between us.
i was only ever good at making a mess.
and shes stubborn prematurely.
the canary that faked it to live.
rain on the rooftop from the outside.
born in a hospital, die in a hospital.
people all around but in the time between you're usually alone-
but its not like you are any less helpless or sick.