"what we don't understand we can make mean anything"

~

  sodium amytal, otherwise known as truth serem. the government once thought it was ok to try and use lsd as a truth serem. they used it on inmates of psychiatric wards, prisoners and even soldiers of the us army. some of it was voluntary some of it was not. sometimes the truth is about as dangerous as lsd so this made me kinda laugh. double negative. "hope i live to tell the secret i have learned til then it will burn inside of me." i think today when i wasn't looking someone slipped sodium amytal in my apple fanta i can't shut up about. i never regret telling the truth i just regret how you take it. what it does to us.

sorry if i haven't been as talkative as i usually am. there are three of you that know why and that's where it's going to stay at. it feels weird to apologize for being honest but we still do. most times when we have to tell the truth it starts out as "i'm sorry but-" i deleted ohoneohone earlier today after deleting the entry saying i wasn't gonna update it anymore and updating it again- this time with a few lines. one quoting harry potter, "dark and difficult times lie ahead harry." and one mentioning the girl, the reason the journal was created in the subject line "i wish i could rewind this whole stupid thing back 3 years". many times i do want to go back to how it was with small venues and no one trying to break us up. but then we fight and we flirt (not so much with eachother) so i wonder if we'd have this many problems without me being famous anyway. i am insecure, jealous, and broken. either always broken in or broken down but never both. and no, they're not the same.

i like reading aim profiles and being quoted on them. especially yours.

the lovers. the only thing we have in common anymore is giving up on me- some of it was voluntary some of it was not. we're true nonbelievers. you're not happy until there's a little of my blood left on your mattress and i'm not happy without some of your dna saved under my nails. your shirt wrapped around my pillow and me wrapped around your finger. we're destroying eachother but covering it up as something called "love". fingernail scrapes down flesh thicker than concrete- some of it was voluntary some of it was not. just to hang on to what we have left. every plea for help falls on deaf hears but those are the ones that always hear me best. the haters. the way they only talk shit when you care. and stop when you don't. a passing fad(e). most hated dude can be forgotten soon and on a vh1 behind the music where are they now special in 20 years. fall out of the wheelchair boy. fall out of bed at the nursing home and get beat by the nurse boy. i never wanted to be a one hit wonder but now i wonder if that'd just be best. pretty much the live at home loser with a none to five job. i'm rambling.

things i don't to see on my friends page:
1. stories about when you were younger or growing up. wtf? don't you have something new to write about? unless your therapist told you it was best to get those awkward childhood memories out i really don't see a point in it. especially if it's all you ever update about. i dunno i might mention a special little memory like being beat up in high school and being called a fag but i won't make a whole entry out of it.
2. someone begging for a paid account- i am pretty sure people only buy paid accounts if they want you around. and if you mooch they aren't gonna want you around for long anyway. if you can't afford a $5 paid account and you're not jac vanek or some other civilian then that says a lot about you. wow. even our little friend benj_ learned. this isn't directed at just anyone, i've seen it happen a few times. i would tell you to get a job but most of you are pretty much famous. sigh.
3. people that ask for screennames to be left but don't give out their own. uh... kinda strange. like you're supposed to leave your screenname and wait anxiously for an im from the person and hope it isn't XxMaRkHoPpUs94xX cause i might confuse it with one of my fans and hit "decline". well uh not that i decline or block fans...

things i like to see on my friends page:
my friends happy- this makes me smile (awww), anything that i can read and like that i can comment to, and seeing new porn webpages on my friends page also makes me happy because like the free ones i know eventually end up getting shut down.

oh yeah- i hope everyone watches one tree hill tomorrow on the wb to laugh at my acting. i know i will be. er.. wait. what? i meant be totally impressed and maybe everyone will pretty much stop saying i suck at acting. doubtful tho.

xo.

ps- i kinda hope a cute boy made . hehe.