obsessed, lovesick, lovecrazy, lovealways.

~

life has a funny way of not letting you ever give up on it. there will always be something to pull you through the bad times, friends that care when everyone else throws in the towel on you. i am pretty sure that every down you go through in life leads to another up even if it doesnt make sense when its happening. i can say this as someone who has been through so much that made his friends and management wonder if he was gonna live past 27. its no secret i havent exactly made the smartest decisions or had a clear head any of the times when i should have. but meeting my wife ashlee and having our son together has really turned my life around. i was this drugstore cowboy that went through embarrassing moments like oding in a best buy parking lot on ativan and badmouthing bands and people i dont like without really realizing the consequences of it. it was like "welcome to hollywood, you cant have a personal opinion" on anyone else here. and i wasnt used to that. i was used to saying "oh i hate this movie" or "i hate that song" but when you do now people freak out. people take it like you hate the person, not just disliking something they have done. it shocked me when i was first starting to get ripped apart for my own personal opinion, like why do people care what i say? im just some dude in fall out boy, im not in green day, im not in u2. why is anyone even paying attention? over time you learn how the game works and where the reset button is if something fails, and how to dig yourself out of a hole without anyone seeing you fall.

i still bite my tongue today on people or music, movies i didnt really care about.. cos it seems like everyone is paying attention and is waiting to make a huge deal out of it. like oh pete didnt like adam lamberts performance, this means hes homophobic, he hates adam lambert, he wants to start a feud. and its like uh no i didnt say all that. but people run with it, anything to make a headline. especially if its a slow news day. based on things i used to blurt out, i can see why some people automatically think of douchebag when they hear my name. i mean i said something that i still feel like an asshole about, it was like when one of our cds leaked over a month early, i freaked and blamed minimum wage workers that "dont care about the consequences" to bands and labels profits or something. then after i said it and was quoted on it i was like ....well fuck. that just insulted half our fanbase and i felt like such a tool. but it sucks some people still see me as that big mouthed jackass because i have changed and learned a lot, but the people that matter to me and i matter to know that. you cant be hung up on what people you dont know think about you or youll never want to look in the mirror or want your life. youll never be able to sleep at night, and you cant make everyone like you, you cant please every demographic and target audience as far as your personality let alone anything else goes, so it is pointless to try to be something youre not. just be you and people that are into it are more rewarding than anyone that likes who they think you are. who you act like you are. blah. yeah i think at this point only ashlee is reading so hi baby, i love you. haha.

i still never want to leave this moment, any moment with you: here it is. us. what i am thankful for and why. if you ever wanted to be me (doubtful, just saying) here is your chance to change your mind. i think the only good part about me is who i am now, who i am married to and my son. my friends and my band. getting to this point wasnt easy, i never woke up famous, i wasnt ever handed anything. so imagine being this dude that is basically a nobody and nothing to anyone. you are just normal and boring. you drive your sisters car places when she isnt using it and find yourself in hardcore band after hardcore band hoping one will last. you live in your parents house still (and you continue to until you are 27...). you are straight edge because its what you are at that point in your life. its who you think you are right now and what you think you want to be. you try to be who you are and fit in at the same time cos no one wants to be "that guy" alone in his room every friday night and yet, come friday night... you are. you write angry lyrics trying to digest what happened- you were cheated on by your girlfriend. with some of your friends while you were off touring, trying to make one of those hardcore bands you were in finally last. you are kinda fucked up in the head emotionally and nobody seems to get you or even want to try. the first time you are in a bad mood they abandon (relation)ship. and you are the moodiest person alive around the most fickle people in chicago. you meet a new girl who would rather drink and party than spend time with you, and you feel like a burdon to friends who try to reassure you that you arent. but you just know you gotta annoy them. you cling, you are obsessive and you are the most jealous person alive because you know every dude out there is better than you and your girlfriend acts like she thinks it too. and its not an act. so your laundry list of problems and worries seems to double every day. you sit outside on her porch and call her, is she home? does she care? therapists could pretty much make a living off of you. yeah, all of them.

you are into law, current events, geeky movies and books and fashion. you are a guy, and you dont totally hate the thought of being with another guy but only from the waist up because penis, even your own, gross you out. but you wanna find your soulmate and you dont let the sex someone is define who that soulmate is. you swear its open minded, not desperate. you feel like nobody wants you around, and you are the lamest dude alive. obviously, your self esteem is non existant. but you are kind of good at writing lyrics, sometimes there is a line or two you pen you actually feel proud of, and you are kind of good at touring and staying on schedule and you find yourself in a new "pop punk" band (you gave up on hardcore, the shit depressed you way too much and you didnt need any more help in that department) with three dudes that give a shit about you, two you knew from those go nowhere hardcore bands and one you just met that has the most amazing sense of humor and voice. and hey, you can play bass a little bit, or at least look convincing that you know what you are doing. so you travel in a van with your new band and you like it. you play shows for like 5 to 100 people at a time but nobody really knows who you are yet. you have a name, "fall out boy". its kind of cool, people compliment your music and download it and tell their friends to. word gets out.

and like any normal person looking in from the outside, you have a crush on this hot popstar named ashlee simpson that you seriously dont stand a chance with. and its just her. no other pop star compares, ashlee is hilarious, she seems so much more real than any person youve ever heard of or read about. shes so unique and you love her sense of fashion and the kinds of things she does. no other girl period compares. especially when your girlfriend is still drinking and partying and ignoring your calls, but drops the occasional "i love you" like a lure to reel you in when she thinks you might come in handy. whatever, its pretty much useless to want someone so hot and famous and out of your league so you stick to just fantasizing about her, getting off to pics of uh sexy photoshoots shes done. (blender with black hair and bubbles. i loved that, dont judge me.) you wont ever meet her, thats about as close as youll ever get to her. then something changes and people start to really take notice of your band. its kinda weird to you but people care and your band takes off, slowly the number of people saying "who?" after someone tells them they love fall out boy starts to dwindle down. they want to see you play so they buy tickets to your shows and buy your cds and suddenly youre headlining instead of opening tours, you are in los angeles, at award shows- rereading over your name on the seating list as if there has been some mistake. you are meeting people you grew up listening to in headphones and through bedroom speakers. theres a whole new world opened up to you and you meet her. that girl you fantasized about, and youre kinda embarrassed to tell her at first. so you dont. hell, she has a boyfriend anyway and you kinda have that drinking and partying girlfriend back home too. shes been there on and off, more off than on. and that sums up the relationship in general. but you love her, or you are hung up on the idea of loving her... or at least you dont wanna see 3 years go down the drain. its kinda hard to admit something is a mistake, or isnt working, huh?

anyways the girl and you start to talk more and more. you exchange emails and phone numbers, you hang out and she catches your bands show, she digs the band and maybe, just maybe, she starts to dig you. shes amazing and you cant believe she even looks at you let alone wastes any of her time on you. so you risk it all. you pursue her. you chase after her relentlessly and never let her doubt you or how you feel. shes been through as many bad relationships as you have, and shes been cheated on too. you can relate and know how it feels, so you start to show how you feel and you give up on that girlfriend back home once and for all. she was bad news anyway, not for headlines but lifelines. you give up on the other people you casually started to date because you want to show the girl you are crazy about that you can be serious and you can be faithful to her. anything she needs you to do to prove yourself to her you do without batting an eye. soon she starts to see it, and gives you a chance. you cant believe you are still in your own shoes, or in your own skin. that you didnt just wake up in someone else's body, in someone else's life. that she isnt bored with you, that she finds you attractive and wants to be around you, wants to see you more. now you have your dream girl, so you are afraid to let anything bad happen to your relationship with her. youve seen how headlines and gossip work, or rather dont work... and you try to downplay it, say youre just friends and keep it a secret. but soon its too obvious youre in love with her, by the way you look at her... and the way shes actually looking back at you. shes down to earth and better than that, shes a part of your world now. in fact, she is your world.

and its worked from the start, its continued to work. there were a few moments where i was afraid i lost her but i never gave up. she needs what i need and i give what she needs, she gives what i need. every single person that ever said it wouldnt work doesnt really know either of us, or our relationship. and thats fine by me. i am happy, she is happy, and we keep our baby boy happy.

honestly the past year of my life has been the best one, the past two years actually. because until ashlee was my girlfriend and then my wife i dont really think i had any "best" years, or even any good ones. it isnt some pity party thing, its just the truth. your life is only as good as how you let it be and how you live in it, and i think my life could have been ok if i appreciated it more, so maybe thats all this is. maybe i just appreciate life now. there was so much of my life i kind of "wasted" not believing in myself or believing anyone that did. i dont know what it was other than her being incredible, but ashlee is the reason i have any esteem today. if someone as amazing as her can want me, there has to be something worth seeing in me. some good qualities in me that i had trouble finding. i know shes pretty into my ass, which would be good enough alone for me but she likes the whole package. so i had a mostly crappy past, ive treated people bad and ive been treated bad. i just dont stay hung up on regretting anything or having any regrets because every step and misstep led me to where i am now... with a wedding ring on my hand and someone that loves me, every feature and flaw. but finally i appreciate the friends i have, my wife, my son, my family. everything. im thankful for the friends i have that stuck by me when i was depressed, that didnt give up on me when i gave up on myself. the friends that never let me feel like a burdon. the friends that stood by me and are still there today. the new friends ive made since i got here too, that ignored the headlines and decided to read between the lines instead. im thankful for meeting my wife and somehow brainwashing her into thinking she needs me for the rest of her life, and im thankful for my sperm somehow being smart enough to find her egg (or her egg being easy for them and being all "here i am boys, come and get me!" and flailing at them, whatever happened) instead of my sperm choosing to nap after a few hours of chasing or go in circles or chase after each other and ignore the egg. im thankful for everything i have right now, for the long run fall out boy has had so far- and no, seriously we're not over, it really is just a break...- and for every single person that ever gave a shit about me. fans included. sometimes its hard to be thankful for what you have when you can only focus on what you dont have, but i think now that i have everything ive ever wanted- a family of my own, a wife- someone i know wont ever cheat on me- i can see how much ive looked over and neglected and can make up for that now. thank you.