"now all anyones listening for are the mistakes"

~

  whenever i think about doing something stupid i go out and get a tattoo. i mean, that isn't the only reason i ever get tattoos, but it's like pain to take away from whatever is bugging you. whatever is making you want to kill yourself. it kinda gives you something else to focus on, at least temporarily. so this time i got a sweet tattoo of an owl on a stack of books. i dunno what to do next time but i have ideas and a limited amount of skin left for them.

anyways, blah. i'm sorry i've been so miserable lately. i'm sorry i've been distant. i don't respond quick. stupid things hurt me or bug me that shouldn't. i take everything personal and care about things i shouldn't. i know this, and i swear i'm working on it. really. watching "say anything" always gives me a little hope and makes me want to sweep someone off their feet.

i keep waking up with someone new hoping to feel something lasting, to stop facing the same old problems. but nothing lasts except for problems. it's like looking away doesn't make it go away. it just keeps it there longer. for not touching drugs or alcohol i have a lot of bad habits i just can't kick. can't teach an old dog new tricks. and i'm as old as they get. when mistakes have warm flesh and all the right words it's really hard to tell them no. when mistakes do what your conscience doesn't you'd rather listen to the mistakes...
but really what i want more than anything is one person. i don't want a lot of people after me. i don't know how to handle that. it seems like every day someone new wants me and i don't see why. like for real. and it confuses me cause i really don't want to hurt anyone but i only want to be with one person. i want one person that is happy with me, that wants to be around me and spend time with me, that can put up with my moods, the good and the bad ones. someone that calls every day if they aren't hanging out on the tour. someone that returns my calls at least. someone that doesn't think i'm bad in bed. cause honestly i kinda really am. so uh someone i can be comfortable with naked. someone that doesn't just replace me. the "oh sorry you can't make it to my birthday i'll just get someone else to come see mes" vs "you're worth waiting fors". someone that won't fly off and see someone else, or invite someone else over. someone that can't forget me. someone that knows the real me instead of just pete from fall out boy and still loves me for me. i guess i ask too much, i dunno.
sometimes i think the best thing would be going back a few years to when no one knew me, when it was me and you. no problems. no gold records. maybe it could be the worst. and i really don't know which route to go anymore. all roads seem to lead nowhere. deadends. maybe it's just hopeless.

i wrote you a letter a few hours ago that i never intended to give you in the first place and then ripped it up and threw it away cause it's much too personal to say on paper. even over a phone. the words i said in it i need to say to you in person. i guess it felt better to write it all out. it's easy to say "i only need 5 seconds with you than a lifetime with someone else" than it is to live it. to be honest, i'm dying from it. "kiss me electric" vs "kiss me at all." and when you do it's just a kiss off. i'm really not ready for what you want from me, but with how you're never around it makes me wonder what you really do want from me. honestly, it sure doesn't feel like much. i said i'd be fine if you gave me a little note or a call once and a while, once a day even, just something to keep hanging onto, but you can't even do that so yeah... i don't know. am i being ridiculous? it's just hard for me to keep going like this... my heart is lots easier to fool than me. i think that's what makes this so hard.

um the last thing i can think to talk about is how i hate seeing my friends hurting. especially friends that have never done anything bad in their life to deserve it. i hate feeling like i can't do anything to help them. i guess if anyone ever needs to talk to someone i'm here. i guess all i can really do is listen. i am pretty bad at anything else. i dunno. i think i am just going to end this awful update here.

chancesareiwilldeletethisinthemorning.

peterrrrrrr

ps - i look fat in this icon. well at least we know where the food is going since patrick isn't around to eat it.