to whom it may concern; fuck you.

~

  this is a public post. i'm not afraid of the shit it might cause cause this is my journal. i'm not going to delete comments or lock this post up because your opinion differs from mine or you become annoying.

abb
2006-02-24 12:59 am UTC (link)
wait. wait a second.. why are you guys around anyway? everyone knows fob sucks.

why do people air their dirty laundry in ? like the petty fight between tim armstrong and axl rose. who cares? why embarrass yourselves like that in front of a community of people that will just snicker about it or pass it by. and furthermore, why did i get told not to post quotes there but other people can without being told to use the way i was? i'm confused.

people treat my band as if we're members of creed or nickelback. or worse(?), evanesence- only spelled right. use the word fob as if it's a derogatory insult. as if our opinion does not matter nor does our existence. like, gee. somehow we got popular, but apparently we suck. somehow people keep buying our cds and going to see our shows. we keep selling out those shows and even whole tours. we keep the spark of life in their eyes going, the same one we start to lose ourselves with every new asshole talking shit. but somehow people keep believing in us. for someone out there fob is the band that american nightmare was to me. the band that keeps you waking up and breathing on cold tile floors. when the way out seems easier than hanging in there. somehow the fact that fans out there care that much about our band it keeps me believing when i look in the mirror and feel like i don't exist. when the image staring back at me is a stranger anymore. when i take a time out and let the haters win.

i love our fans more than anything- they mean well always and you have no right to judge them on their flashing icons or their age. i would rather have a fan that calls the suicide hotline just so someone will listen to them than someone that thinks ugly people are alright to live out of someone else's garage. what? by someone logic, mostly 's Bundchen's, apparently if you're ugly at a young age you deserve to be sleeping in a garage and if you're pretty you deserve your own house. whatever.

bundchen
2006-02-23 09:11 pm UTC (link)
it's sad to think of someone as pretty as you living in a garage 

peteywentz
2006-02-24 12:35 am UTC (link)
uh you know or anyone at all no matter what they look like

bundchen
2006-02-24 12:37 am UTC (link)
no, not really

ban_set is the new fuck you.
locking an entry that was public is the new fuck you.
deleting comments is the new fuck you.

i was having fun. fuck you for ruining it.

you may mock the impact but we are leaving one. we are saving lives more than we are "ruining" any by being played on the radio while your photoshop perfected pretty faces are driving overpriced cars to the next photoshoot. so what are you doing? taking off your top and showing off your latest cosmetic enhancement or areas that could most definitely use some? you are a dime a dozen. if you don't like us, change the station. no one is holding a gun to your head making you listen to us.

so tell me. what makes fall out boy so different? we masturbate with the lights off our right hand and our eyes shut tight just like everyone else. at least i do. it isn't like a group activity but we should look into that. anyways, sometimes it's more like what are we doing here. we don't belong. we don't fit in. it's pretty okay because we don't want to be something we're not. we don't want to just blend in and be forgotten. the usual, the expected. and sure. i sit up late nights with sore eyes and shoulders squinting at the computer screen letting insults from people i've never even met get me down but for the most part i really don't care. to some extent i can laugh things off. i can laugh at myself. i can shrug it off cause when i fall asleep at night i've done something with my life, because i've survived worse. but all in all what saves you isn't supposed to be killing you in the end.

that said... yes there are rumors i want to quit the band, that i want to go back to just being a boy from wilmette that no one could even stand, and i won't deny them because they are almost always true. i pretty much started them anyway... and every one of us have had our doubts before. have had enough. there are a few times i can remember when joe walked up to me before a show and asked if he could skip it to see a girlfriend. being in a band means pretty much giving up your social life- or at least fucking it up as i've done so many times. we tour away our lives and we accomplish a lot as a band but looking back it feels like we're losing more than we're gaining.

i guess i am too open and honest with words for my own good. as much of my life as i try to keep safe there will always be something that gets out. i understand that, it's part of being under the spotlight. and yes this is too much for me sometimes. sometimes i walk out of a crowded room because i was just standing awkwardly off to the side against the wall anyway.

it isn't because of the band i am in, it isn't fun right now and i said if it ever got to the point it wasn't fun i'd quit. who i am now isn't me. but going to a new band or forming a new one would not make this any better. leaving fob would not make this any better. like i said i just don't fit in, i don't belong. i'm not ungrateful for anything i'm just not celebrity material. i can't even say i'm a 'celebrity' or 'famous' without some sort of airquote because it seems so unreal to consider yourself up there with the likes of kanye west and billie joe armstrong. we're pretty much constantly starstruck ourselves. it's weird to think somewhere someone considers us celebrities. we're just like, these four weird dudes from the midwest.

i pretty much can't live in a glass house even though i've built it myself. anyone that knows me knows this is true. but whatever happens joe, andy, and definitely patrick are staying a huge part of my life and it is a decision that effects us all so it isn't taken lightly. i don't regret anything. thinking of all the friends i've made because of this, how i met and helped out the academy is and panic at the disco, how if fall out boy never happened our friendships wouldn't have either. it makes me wonder what else i have instore for my life by being in this band, if i can handle more tough times or if i'll be pushed to the edge again. i've got friends and family worth living for, but i don't even have my own life anymore. pete the awkward boy from wilmette and pete from fall out boy are pretty much one in the same, there's always cameras and there's always people hearing and watching everything you do. like patrick getting kicked out of the mall over trying to get a pretzel for free. a joke is taken wrong and we're the assholes.

since when did the band i'm in become reason to not like me? since when did the music i make become a reason to not get to know me? every smile was starting to feel fake. time to myself always helps. crying to a doctor in a trenchcoat that's only been there through psychology books helps. whenever i talk to old loves i always end up feeling this way, i always think too long and too hard about what i can't change now anyway. the "what if i hadn't become 'famous'" sets in and i wonder how things would be, if the picket fences and any of the houses surrounded by green grass yards i walk by would be mine. if the kids and the pets in the yard would be mine. rereading old emails and aim logs makes me have some regrets about how some things turned out with some people. wondering if relationships would have lasted or could have started sooner. if it was all my fault they ended. all my fault being out on the road and never around. if i had been home they could have been healthy. maybe i wouldn't have so many problems- or maybe i'd have more. but yes, it passes. i am sure it will this time too. maybe every musician feels this way sometimes, maybe they don't. but i know how i feel and i can only speak for myself.

i guess i can close this off by saying sometimes it feels like we've gone from an inside joke between four guys with too much time on their hands and big dreams to just a joke to the world. and it's okay. i apologize for worrying anyone that does honestly care about me and or the band, but as far as i can tell this will pass and it is already. the guys are used to it and me by now. i don't ever mean to scare anyone.

in other news with all that said... from our new video for "a little less sixteen candles". so yeah, hate away. we'll stick around for a while.

ps-

seldridge
2006-02-24 01:22 am UTC (link)
unlike you i don't rely on comments for my own self worth. i'd rather have 3 comments from sane people than a million comments from you and your fat ugly boyfriend bye

since i couldn't reply to it there cause you locked it up- what ugly boyfriend? patrick has more talent and goodlooks in his pinky than your whole family will ever think to have, you would know that i was right if they hadn't ditched you. and also- next time you lock up your journal over annoying people just give me and patrick credit at least, we're the reason.

you don't ever bash my friends. just take aim at me.

edit- haha made me laugh out loud