for the nightmare i was supposed to have waken up from not woke up to...

~

  for the dreams i let slip through my fingers instead of try to reach.... for the one last chance afterhours and the first chance before them. i don't even know how my mind works or if it does. nights like this i just write and write... i'm due for an update anyhow. comments allowed only cause i didn't last entry but it isn't an invitation for a pity party. i deserve every mistake i/we ever make. the sad thing is i know you don't.

tonight we are at opposite ends of the dinner table with our knives out to cut the tension more than whatever is on our plates. whatever we say is the hardest to chew and swallow. tonight we are two cars driving headon but neither of us is chicken enough to live through it. i'm probably the reason for index fingers not the ones next to them. would you like me better collecting rust or dust? i've got a shelf holding both that you'd like me waiting for you on. everyday i'm either mostly at fault or all at fault- what does it matter cause either way i'm all alone. didn't even hear the door shut or the cab drive off- just saw the away message that you were at the airport. eyelids as heavy as curtains and serving the same purpose. plans are as followed: sit forehead pressed against cool windows meant to keep uncool things out not keep them in. tonight everything is backwards so this just fits in with the theme.

they fill in churches and pews in their sunday best- the perfect image they were told to be ever since they were a child. i just fill in missing words and verses from songs and hope i'm good enough to just barely make the cut in when this life is done with me or visa versa. they bother god with hope for cures for cancer and hope for cures for heartache. i bother god with prayers for silly things like serotonin in the form of prescription pills you can easily access and another night with wrinkles on both sides of the bed. no need to get into spefics and specify a name but then again when was the last time there was a need to? 2003 or 2004 maybe but since then..... this must be the disappointment captain jack sparrow felt when the effect of the rum wore off and there wasn't anymore to get back to that rose colored glasses view on your friends and loved ones- that is if he was a real person instead of just a fictional character you know.

stick to crossing your heart or t's cause fingers give you away everytime. you got my number but you don't know the one this does on my esteem yet. narcissus would hang his head in shame at this ego right now unless a mirror was around you know. i'm the worst thing that's ever happened to me. and as the last bird chirps for the last time tonight under an orange sky i hold my head in my hands and count to sleep. not on it.

this just in.....add [ryan ross's account]. that kid makes me swoon. i am taking him to target soon.

edit tew add [someone named william???]  too, and buy her virtual roses too because she loves them.