what does it take to be (your) #1?

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i am the end result of never saying "i love you" until there is nothing left to love. i am the fireworks that didn't go off. i am pencilmarks on paper you cant totally erase clean. i am the conclusion drawn based off something that never started. i am a nosebleed seat for the electric chair. damaged goods that are ironically named. i am a product of every bad thing that has happened to me over the past.... eventually i stopped being me and became some paranoid, scared and alone loner waiting for the past to repeat itself- and it always does. the only ups in my life are throw up give up and grow up. if you want to say you love me i wont believe you, if you want to say you'll leave me i wont let you. its so hard to basically be two different people in one- one fighting to keep you close and the other fighting to push you away so we dont get hurt. see- ive been lied to so much everything is a flashing neon warning sign to run now even if yr telling the truth. then again when friends wave a warning flag in my face about a girl i just ask them to stop blocking my view. someone offered to marry me once but wanted to have loads of affairs and then didnt understand why i got hurt by that. everyone gets you where they want you and then they dont want you anymore. you lose your appeal when you stop turning heads and causing catfights in clubs. im hard to get but easy to forget. easy to leave. will i ever get time to heal if i keep getting new scars? maybe try asking me to see what youre saying when i dont have sore eyes. i pushed everyone away to make you happy and now im alone. she gave up on me cause i wasnt worth the fight- she ignores my existance now and i wish i could do the same- mine not hers. and she gave up on me cause she never cared in the first place.. but really, why should anyone care? i was the last person alive that cares about me and i just stopped caring.

ps- i never really thought about it before because cmon dude, ozzy bites bats heads off and shit- who would take him seriously? but "the road to nowhere leads to me" probably makes more sense to me than anything else right now.