my mind is a mi/ess. reprogram it this time with feeling.

~

the threat of an update has people hitting refresh- or maybe its all in my head. sometimes it feels like you can scream at the top of your lungs at someone and the only place its heard is the echoing between your ears. the great thing about being on tour is the hotel wall doesnt care about you anymore than you care about it. i cant wait to be again. so bored the camera cant capture it at all. a wave retracting from the shore- you will move on. you already have. send the "life"guard just for the sake of irony. for a good show. for the reaction that the audience is expecting. im around because i cant wait to hear mumbled words of "i cant believe what i lost" when you look at me. and it is all your loss. funny how cortisol is all you can count on being around sometimes, but the empty spot on whatever bed youre in for the night makes the laughter stop. this never meant anything to you- youre already throwing in the towel with the "who cares" and "were nobodies" but we were somebodies to someone and i think with that ive made an impact than i could have ever imagined i would all those nights as a 15 year old dreamer wanting to prove were not given a life to waste it. funny how im trying to convince myself to get back into that state of mind. rippling effect- lies always sound better than the truth. all but one of the pure gold boys got tainted. we want to be your favorite (poi)son. ive met the most amazing. ive made amazing things happen for amazing people that deserve to be where i am when i dont feel like i do. small, big- whatever- ive made my mark on the world. but im not ignorant- 10 years from now ill be "who?"- that is, if my name is even brought up. when you live this wrecklessly youre asking for a quick end. what is the saying? flash in the pan? something like that. born to be stars- the kind that black out. born to be forgotten. sorry if what i say hurts you. after all, im only being myself- but who am i anymore? i am the best at what i do- and i do nothing.

xx