"if i could be who you wanted.. all the time"

~

  sorry is less of a word than an excuse. you're not really sorry for it if you keep doing it and keep saying sorry afterwards to slip (the phone) off the hook. it only took what three times for me to realize this. everything you say feels less like words and more like a sentence. a punishment. for whatever this time maybe just breathing. always write always wronged. sometimes i think you like to see me down and out cause you can keep me under your control. you can see what i write and what i (don't have) left. like it's hey let's hurt pete and see what he'll have to say about it. let's see how depressed we can get him. then let's pretend to love him for a week or so so we can knock him down again. wheeeee. yeah, right. if i'm everything they say don't forget about the good stuff. how amazing us getting along again was. oh well. you have. and this feels less like a breakup and more like a funeral. i would probably look more alive laying in a coffin than i do somedays now. when we're out we want back in. when we're in we want back out. never happy where we are. more like a sinking ship than a relationship. you said you'd start biting your tongue well i guess you bit it off cause now all you can say is nothing at all. we are just actions and reactions. ps the dumpster smells like roses- it's okay she gets what i mean. you got another loss just add it to the neverending list. compare this to the last time. compare this to every time. it's all the same and eventually the game gets boring so you put it down. everytime i get pissed you win. what's the score at now? like you 435435 pts, me zip. reliably unreliable. i understand that you don't trust me, i don't even trust myself. but what am i like without you? the loner. don't believe what you see. watching you go idle. go on away. funny how even when you don't want me you want me all to yourself. i've spent more time talking to friends i've forgotten, friends i said no to too many times just to keep you happy. to keep time with you. i've been making plans just to have a reason to wake up the next day. dates to watch pointless movies with jac. secret dates planned with william beckett that make me fall asleep with a smile on my face. dates with parker that will never go through. dates with gerard- i wish hehe. (yes for those of you keeping score i have moved on from mikey and frank now, and onto gerard) just kidding. but i love my friends. i wouldn't be here without them. they're the strings that hold me together when you start to pull the thread. this is all over the place. i'm sorry. i mean what are we really going for- thicker skin or a thicker skull? thicker gloves. glittens to cover up the bruises and scrapes on my knuckles from the hole in the wall in my mom's attic (sorry, mom) and a smile to cover up the way i really feel inside. what am i really doing - blowing off steam or esteem. whatever. it's only day two. it's starting to be less walking it off and more walking off. let me be okay again.

in other news i am definitely scared to fly overseas but spending time stalking i mean hanging out with nightmare of you makes it worth it.

oh and this has really nothing to do with anything but i told him i would mention him:

pete: that is when my heart will stop
parker: omg i will give you m2m
pete: the band?????

and cause gerard makes me smile:

gerard on lord of the rings, "sam was so far up frodo's ass i'm surprised Frodo could walk to the pub, much less mordor"