"ransom notes keep falling out your mouth"

~

  back in new york city. sleepy eyes tonight- trl tomorrow. we're gonna be premiering the sixteen candles video but i seriously doubt they'll show all six minutes of it then. i dunno tho. i updated the site. fbr. the q and a. updated and yes i kept my clothes on this time hehe. um what? i dunno i've just been trying to pick up for the slack i've created myself. i find myself reading away messages when i am bored. hilary always has ones about nick and bam margera's are always boring. i never even talk to either of them. blah.

anyways, i am pretty much never good at transiting/existing so pretend some amazing transition is here or whatever.

you are better off to just ignore me.
you are just better off.
no. you just are better, but that doesn't take a lot.

you've stepped up to love me but i'll rip you apart and leave you feeling like you're the one to blame. you're more than enough but i still want more. this is a beauy contest where all you can see is the flaws. i'm the best at finding those flaws cause i have them all. it's like looking in the mirror and having a checklist. the mirror is even dirty to make the reflection perfect. whatever we point out wrong about someone else we are just as guilty of sometimes. hold the hand that will let you down. hold the hand that will push you away. you live for the words that you'll die from. you die from the words you live for. i'm everything you hate but you won't know it til you know me. everything i've put into anything i've done still feels like nothing when the sun starts to set. blood sweat and tears are all the same as water once they hit the pavement. as soon as they dry. strike the match with an old flame- write me off as one less regret. i cannot keep going on with smoke and hot air filling my lungs instead of (your) oxygen.

these days are turning into weeks and i am stepping forward only to go back to right where i started. i've heard this joke one too many times- don't bother. the punchline is a lie we used to call a promise. i used to promise that i wouldn't lie to you. that was a lie, i promise. we believe what we wanna hear- not what is the truth. asked for two quarters when i met you to call my mom- not to tell her i fell in love, but to tell her one day you'd leak pictures of me naked on the internet. the internerd isn't even safe behind the screen anymore.
oh woe is me. the pinup that's a letdown. the posterboy with the vital facts on a tag around his toe.

look alive kid cause you're anything but.

my visiting hours are long over. the way you sleep on your side proves it. you always just trust that i'll be there when you wake up. sometimes i kiss your eyelids when you're sleeping to keep the good dreams in. tonight it's kisses to dried tears, 'i'm sorry i'm too late.'
you'd be disappointed if you hadn't already expected the worst.
since when were four letters a suicide note? for years you've watched me ruin relationships and lives and you want to be next. neither of us know what to think about that. i think lies leak more than me (you'll like that line, you're into my worst habits) i'm something of a cold catastrophe. you'll catch me.

the "do not disturb" sign is up on the outside of the door out of irony- ironic like a flower left to die on the grave of someone that's already dead. the maids don't see the irony but that's okay. it's universal language for one less room to clean. switch it around and think of it like this- the "do not disturb" sign is always the first thing you see when you shut the hotel room door. like it's telling you not to disturb the hallway, the lobby, the other guests. kinda weird. too bad we do just by existing.
and i've never felt more ali(v)e.

gah. anyways. i'm extremely out of it. pretty much nights like tonight with the moonlight shining in and candle lights flickering below it competing for the attention of all the eyes focused on the wall i wonder if i ever was in it. you waking up to the disappointment of me still awake on the computer and coming over to pull on my wrist and tug me to bed reminds me that it doesn't even matter. sometimes just you do.

xo.