the mourning after

~

"no, no,
where shadows do for bodies stand
thou may'st be abus'd
if thy sight be dimmed
cold love is like to words written on sand
or to bubbles which on the water swim
wilt thou be thus abused still
seeing that she will right thee never?
if thou cans't not o'ercome her will
thy love will be thus fruitless ever"
nothings changed
just the side of the window you are on
gotta love how life works
no one stopped once before hitting their hands to the keys to think
"gee maybe he already feels like the shittiest person alive
maybe hes already as miserable and alone as a human can possibly be
maybe we shouldnt rip every shred of happiness out of the lining in his stomach
and slap him in the face with it
hope it leaves a mark
so that every time he looks in the mirror
he sees the scar next to the tear tracks"
but now its irreversable
what seemed cool to do at the time will have a lifelong effect
every low blow did a number to me
yet i still did the worst to myself
i went from being wrong to wronged by the magnifyed reactions
not so worried about me tho-
for i shall do my monotonous song and dance
that has become fairly routine
fake a smile for the camera,
always be loved in 2d form but never 3
worst wasnt losing three months of my life,
but three months of someone elses that never got to see daylight
was just a lil body still
i hope you didnt end them because of this fight
it haunts me when my eyes are either opened or closed because it would have been the only good thing i ever did with my life-
give it to someone else

the only life i have left is in her pocket instead of around her finger
kept out of sight but out of mind..?
a friend said to me "dont have downer thoughts"
its strange how everyone else can care about you but a select few
but it doesnt get through sometimes
just those select few can
focus on the negative like a basic math major
even numbers make me think of you
i feel like ive hit three fouls in a row
the game was lost and it resides just above my shoulders

everything is lost
the debrie is swept under a rug but still there
we both have the same disease,
your no worse than me and im not any better than you
having emotions is reason enough to get a prescription refilled
we were the same in too many ways
its all because i spent one night being disappointed i went without you
one night of missing you and your warm body curled up to mine
of wanting to rob golf carts..
still in shock that what i confided to you made headlines
like leaving me wasnt bad enough,
but you have to use what i told you were my weaknesses agaisnt me
things i would never say or do to you
just to fit in
just to steal my friends from me and prove you could
prove the only true person in my life really was you
so have them if it makes you happy
thats all i ever wanted and never attained
i never deserved you and i told you that all along
i am right sometimes
and i dont plan on eye for an eye
or lie for a lie,
your secrets are safe between my lips..
i dont plan on letting anyone else ever get near them again

when you thought everyone hated you,
at least you still had me to love you with everything in me
you were never alone
but now everyone hates me and i dont have that
i dont have anything
i am alone
actually tried to break my hands on the wall last night
over and over
they're only what leads me to everything that makes me miserable

put your seats back, we've reached the final destination.

between flights and stiff hotel beds,
dj booths and parties with both thick skulls and smoke-
i never took the time before to stop and live
and no- i dont regret that i did
but that i should have kept the feelings in a jar by my dresser
cause now theyre forced into a urn by the bed
it keeps giving me good dreams
which only make me feel worse