in january i jabbed my arm at night with the row of pins and woke up thinking of you.

~

before you i was living somewhere between a widow's house and a graveyard. doing anything to make some sense/cents. i was outcast under the overcast with a slight chance of reign. flesh was a reminder i wasnt dead yet. the skin on dinosaur bones recycled from sells/cells many years ago. the first shadow as night sets in- it doesnt really fall. dug deep in my own grave with dirt fresh under the nails. washed my hands clean in dirty bathrooms to get off on the irony. cleaned out my insides to sell the bad parts for a good brake. black eyes to match how i felt cause i wasnt born with blue. played with fire because i wanted a match. the only gold i saw was behind glass. the only freedom i wanted was behind bars, a small room with love you can't get out of but the problem is then it cant get in either. suffocation means you cant breathe and when you cant breathe you cant live. its so much easier to watch over the village as the town elder instead of the tike. tonight i buried myself six feet under in the best way possible. she is the plastic coating around the medicine keeping me from it. the safety lock. couldnt fly without pixiedust- or believing. before la i didnt touch the dust but was high on believing. after la i was fine on pixiedust but forgot to believe. she slipped out of my hands more times than i can remember- only to sit in front of mirrors and wish i had a stronger spell while she was sitting on her bed wishing i'd take my head out my ass and see my charms already worked on her. things are kinda backwards now on the other side of the track... motivation to give a shit about where you spend your two cents put in it's two weeks notice. shed that old skin and began all over with a knew attitude. i want her fingerprints traceable to every inch of my skin when they find my body. give up the hits for the mrs. the way i spin my words around between your head and your hips? it is always just to get closer to that heartbeat we only hear at night when the cameras stop fLASHing and the screaming stops ringing in your ear. not just her heartbeat but your own. finally more than just a purPOSE. finally get to be more of a human and less of a 2-d image on somebodys wall or computer screen desktop. shes the one everyone blames for the end, but they don't know shes the one that holds every beginning. and my heart. happy 4th of july, xoxo