"if it's written on the internet it must be true"

~

Mood: "living", alone, you, safe.

  i tried to sleep but couldn't. ending up reading 30 or 40 more pages into a book. still wasn't tired and still couldn't sleep. i can never sleep alone. should have unplugged the alarm clock cause it feels like time is out anyway. staring at the balcony window everything from the cold sheets and the quiet feels so out of place.
i feel so out of place. oh yeah because i am.
boys like me aren't meant to be on their own. they have two feet but they're not meant to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. funny how they still try. desperation could take me to your arms and we could pretend everything was okay just for the sake of sleep but i'm too proud for that tonight. thinking about you. the smell of your perfume and stale cigarette smoke still on my sleeve. i can't keep my nose from it as i curl up to sleep. safe. your smile alone could keep me warm tonight, but i don't know what you think about that and i'm too afraid to push that on you now and ruin this again. all i do know is i can't sleep.
so i came back to the computer like a moth to the flame.
moving from posters on your wall to posters in your trashcan and still smiling from your dartboards, the headaches i have make me feel like your message is getting through.
somewhere up there heaven discovered a liar got through. they point the guilty fingers at each other and no one knows who to believe since no one that gets through the gates is supposed to be a liar. somewhere in hell sits an innocent. noone even cares there. everyone is mistreated equally. "well i'm sorry," he said, "this is just revenge." this isn't truth. there is no right way to handle finding out you've lost a great friend. or lost a great love.
tired eyes tired of reading tired lines.
sleepless sore eyes from staring at the computer screen waiting for entries to get deleted, "no" to turn to "yes" and truths to turn to lies.
some people like to be a part of building something great and see the progress only to tear it down when it becomes bigger than they are. they no longer feel important so they make their presense known.
the still going ljdrama. if you haven't already-- please don't involve yourself in it. and if you have-- please just back out now. i understand your intentions are in the right place but it is between me and chris and commenting and posting on it only gives him more attention. it gives him more to post about. it keeps the fire going. more importantly- i hate seeing my friends defend me only to get bashed and questioned on their crediblity for trying to do what friends do. what is said about me is one thing- but i can't fucking stand my friends and family being dragged down. this is a onesided battlefield, where war is declared but the other side's heart isn't in it. i hope this all dies down soon.
snl saturday.
"secret show" tomorrow.
i'm a little ball of nerves and i don't know which of the two really makes me more nervous. i'm kinda scared to face everyone after the whole ljdrama that's been going on for days- not because i will get my ass kicked or anything cause i doubt anyone that wants to can afford to fly out here to new york for just that. let's not go out of our ways or our budgets here. haha. i'm just kidding. i'm scared cause i'm hoping that the fans still love us and don't bring guns to the show or like even worse- totally hate me and the guys. i'm scared they won't and i won't know what to do. i won't know how to handle it. let's hope it doesn't come to that.
anyways.
andy saying my soccer legs are attractive makes me feel kinda weird. here is this sex god pretty much complimenting my legs. then again my legs are like my friends and i never want to cross them. er..
***ladies. andy still needs a girl. let's get this eligible stud mounted.***
i want to do things to you that would make a pornstar slap me. i kinda hope you slap me too.
it was getting too hot in here (it must be all this talk about andy) so i had to strip pretty much naked. that's easier than adjusting the air or whatever. i hope this doesn't gross you out. don't worry tho, i mean your pretty little eyes can't see i need to wax from where you're sitting as you read this.
this ended up longer than i thought and making sense only to me. so i'm gonna end it- not my life though, just this entry. i'll update again in a day or two. you know me. i have this love/hate relationship with the internet.

xo