you can never really predict the end of anything, just what you lose from it.

~

  and in this case, the knowledge you gain.

Date created: 2004-09-26 11:03:43
Date updated: 2006-09-01 03:40:54, 1 day ago
Journal entries: 74
Comments: Posted: 6,320 - Received: 9,849

this makes entry 75.

i'm writing about this since some readers probably have no idea, or wonder themselves. it's always weird when you go to like these famous parties and you see people like you and people way more famous.. people you have seen act respectably and don't think would ever goof around or be complete idiots act like idiots. well today i saw exactly that- and i'm not going to name any names or anything but wow, i lost a lot of respect for a lot of people. people i once feared approaching or being made fun of by i now see as a joke.

there's a lot of people here that i have added or have stumbled on in my 8 months writing in this journal that write well written entries and they seem to have their shit together. you would never, ever peg them to be the types to get naked or go down on someone at a backyard bbq party.

sometimes i really feel like i don't belong, this is one of the few times i'm glad i don't.

think of being a nerd in high school- you pretty much fear everyone and if anyone cooler than you talks to you you like wet yourself in fear because they're probably just going to make fun of you or steal your homework. now imagine being that same nerd and walking into a classroom during lunch with your bestfriend when everyone else is in the cafeteria. you see two cheerleaders sitting there playing chess. what? cheerleaders don't play chess- they screw football players and giggle, right? so it's kinda weird but not so bad. could be worse. but then it gets worse- they get naked and start making out- with you right there. and then before you can even wipe the sweat off your forehead or nudge your best friend in the side to see if he is seeing what you're seeing- the captain of the football team walks in behind you, all "hay guys who wants drinks? i'm officially serving them all lunch." and he hands you a sprite when normally he would probably give you a wedgie or whatever. the cheerleaders are girls that you never even spoke to because they would laugh in your face if you so much as even opened your mouth around them- and now they're carelessly making out in front of you and your bestfriend, not caring what anyone thinks of them or their reputations. more people come in, people that had more friends and people that are bullies- people you were afraid to ever talk to, that you looked up to and respected- and they are all acting in ways that would embarrass you if you were doing it yourself. that is kinda sorta how i felt. only kinda. definitely today was way out there.

it's hard to word exactly how i felt being at this party, but this is definitely the moral lesson from it: next time someone bullies you or makes you feel intimidated, think of them shopping at walmart for bargins or serving you dinner as your waitress at a resturant. think of them at a graduation party stripping for everyone without any shame. tonight i learned that noone is above anyone else, we really are all equal. especially on the internet haha.

don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're unworthy of breathing the same air as them because you are. sometimes it's them not worthy.

every time i keep my heart open all that comes in is disappointment. shut the windows so i can only see you but you're not close enough to touch- this is how i should keep you always, just beyond my fingertips where you can never belong to anyone else. tonight. tonight it's tired eyes vs. tired lies and i'm betting on red. i love how every word you write i misread. i can only see the bad, you have to tell me the good yourself, when we're only seperated by a windowsill, and my hand is the one pressed against the glass.

"if two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it"

i'm exhausted all over and missing you bad enough i can't feel anything else. this is probably the weirdest, farthest out there entry i've ever wrote. i hate how my brain will (not) work sometimes.

xo

ps- the monkey's name is simi. he was the real star of the night. more updates as always later, hopefully they will make more sense and be less scattered.

pps- and it made me smile, there was also one called "kittens in a box" which was like a b-movie snakes on a plane but the film was pretty predictable, both kittens make it in the box and one gets scared out. not to ruin the ending for anyone...