"apologetically dressed in the best"

~

Mood: [deleted account]

i want to take a swim in vitamin water but not to be trapped in a bottle or "capped". just to feel free and refreshed. the smoke around me starts to settle down from the air and weigh down my skin and then my eyelids. letting everything around me hold me- but not up just down. i have a new obsession with breathing and her. breathing her in. surrounded by friends and her. alone in a crowded room part whatever. the real party is whenever were in the backseat and the windows are up and the cameras are off for the night. when im at my worst shes still there with her hand on my forehead- nonchalantly checking if ive got a lil sanity left. she will look at me like im still alive and somehow thats enough to make me be. i cant even put into words how amazing everything feels with her by my side- being proud of myself when i cant be. when i hate myself. shes making me realize im not a total waste, that im not the "douchebag" that was asked how to apply guyliner by people magazine- like i can really help what im asked? what was i suppsed to say, i mean theres not really an art to it or anything but whatever i had to ramble and basically make myself look like an ass. im sorta making a living off it or by dying from it. it depends which side you flipped on. tonight was another step ahead, leaving the past behind me. hang up my hangups. every day i forget a little more, and think about it a lot less. besides, its kinda hard to fly and to be honest when they ask you if you have any more baggage and realize you cant check in "the emotional kind". its back in los angeles or australia or chicago, wherever. oh well. i dont want to find it anyway and i dont plan on going back for it. all i can do is be myself and thank god that there arent cameras around 24/7. we'll get boring or better at hiding out or in. the spotlight won't always be shining on us- i guess it depends on what runs out first- the battery or us. when the sun goes to sleep and the 'do not disturb' sign is on the door we come alive and the world is ours- whether the world likes that or not. it doesnt matter if the whole world hates me as long as she wont change her mind.