Back when I was on social media, I saw this meme that said: those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, teach at my school. The meme featured a picture of Jack Black from School of Rock, but it just as easily couldn't been a picture of Principal Boone.

"I don't know how you did it, or why you did it, but as far as I'm concerned, you're the mastermind behind this free the peen stunt."

It's difficult, but I manage to suppress a smirk when I hear Principal Boone say the word "peen." I guess that's the right word, given the writing on the flag, but it's hard to take someone like Principal Boone seriously when he uses an internet slang word for penis. Still, I take him seriously when he says he's going to "nail" me for this.

"But I didn't do anything," I protest.

"That's exactly what a guilty man would say," Principal Boone counters.

"It's also what an innocent man would say."

Principal Boone frowns, which tells me he knows I'm right. And seeing that frown, something stirs inside of me, a feeling of satisfaction. No, not satisfaction exactly. I feel like I'm better than Principal Boone, like I'm smarter, like I can beat him at his own game, because that's what I did at that abomination of an assembly to apologize to Nick Spears, and that's what I'm doing right now. I feel smug.

"Everyone knows you have it in for Nick Spears," Principal Boone snaps.

Nick Spears? What's he got to do with this? And everyone knows I have it in for him? Who talks like that? Principal Boone makes it sound like I'm some villain in a terrible gangster movie, one of the old black and white ones that Audrey probably likes. I have it in for Nick Spears? Yeah right. And just how am I supposed to do in Nick Spears? Since the assembly, we haven't crossed paths, but that's because the football players still shoot me dirty looks whenever I see one of them in the hall. 

"Someone snuck onto campus in the dead of night, removed the American flag, and replaced it with that..." Principal Boone waivers, turns beet-red, then finds his footing. "That flag is obscene, Peter. Do you realize you could be prosecuted for distribution of child pornography?"

I have no idea what Principal Boone is talking about. Why on Earth would I be charged with a crime? I didn't fly that flag. And how is that flag child pornography? Then, without realizing it, Principal Boone answers my question.

"Nick Spears is in the other room, Peter. He's pretty shaken up, OK. I don't blame him, having your manhood flying high in the air for the entire school to see, that could ruin anyone, even a fine young man like Nick Spears?"

"A fine young man like Nick Spears!" I snap. "Principal Boone, you do realize that Nick Spears pantsed me in front of the entire school? Because of him, everyone saw my dick. Everyone!"

I can feel my blood boiling. I want to scream at Principal Boone all day long. I want to tell him that he sucks at his job, that his hard-on for a winning football program blinds him to the fact that he has empowered the bullies at this dipshit academy. I want to tell him that Nick the dick Spears is the problem, not me. But the more I rage about what Nick did to me, the more it sounds like I have a motive.

"Peter, this entire thing would be a lot easier if you just confessed," Principal Boone says. "Tell me what you did. Then tell us where you put the gosh darn American flag, son. Because stealing a flag is a federal offense, probably. Then you march right into the other room and you apologize to Nick. And I mean a real apology this time."

"Apologize? Why on Earth would I apologize?" 

"Do you realize that Nick hasn't been the same on the field since your little apology stunt at the assembly? Well, it's true. We have shot at state. State, Peter. Nick could get a college scholarship. That means he has a chance to play big time college football. Heck, he might even go pro someday. Don't you realize what that would do for the football program here at John Wayne High School?"

I have no idea what Nick Spears going pro would do for the football program here at John Wayne High School, but it's pretty obvious that just the thought of it gives Principal Boone all the feels, because he launches into a rambling talk about how football builds character (bullshit), how a winning tradition benefits the entire school (double bullshit), and how John Wayne High School is an institution of the highest integrity (triple bullshit). 

Principal Boone jabbers on for what seems like an hour, but he never really comes to a conclusion. It's as if he wants to vent by barfing the school's bullshit values at me. And that's when I realize that I'm not going to be in trouble for the free the peen flag. I didn't do it, so that's the right outcome. But the reason why I'm not going to get in trouble is because Principal Boone can't prove that I did it. In fact, he doesn't know who did it. He's lost, in every sense of the word. 

Eventually Principal Boone stands up and walks over to the door. 

"I'm going to be keeping my eye on you, Peter. This isn't over."

Then Principal Boone opens the door. I get up out of my chair and leave the office.

Outside in the hallway, I try to put Principal Boone's bullshit investigation behind me. I have bigger problems. I mean, smaller problems. Like the world's smallest dick. The fact that I can't touch the world's smallest dick for the next three days - which is like a life sentence for every teenage boy on Earth. And the trickiest problem of all - the fact that my girlfriend is a size queen. 

But as I turn the corner, I think that maybe Principal Boone's bullshit investigation is a blessing in disguise. If I think about Audrey, I'll end up touching my dick, which means I could end up losing the function of my dick, according to Judy. Thinking about school and Star Wars are good distractions, but I guess Principal Boone's unhinged response to the free the peen incident can also be considered a distraction.

Then I reach my locker, and I notice that everyone is looking at me. The nerds, the geeks, and the rest of John Wayne High School's social outcasts are looking at me like I'm some sort of god, like I'm C-3PO, and they're a bunch of Ewoks. The football plays are looking at me like I'm a god too. Except, not the kind of god you worship out of love. To them, I am the kind of god you worship out of fear. And the meme girls... I just can't place the looks on their faces. It's as if they're looking at me with a mix of envy and reverence. 

For a guy who went from total nobody, to laughing stock, to cool kid among the outcasts, the new role is an unexpected turn. Nobody says so, they don't have to, but from the way everyone is looking at me, I am the new king of John Wayne High School.

"Everyone's talking about you," Elroy says as he leans agains the locker next to mine.

"I get that feeling," I say. "Looks like I pretty much rule the school."

"By fear."

"What?"

"Peter, everyone knows you put up that flag," Elroy says. "It pretty much crushed Nick Spears. Rumor has it he's going to need counseling. Like major counseling. I mean, even though the flag was pretty big, his peen was... well, let's just say it easily could've been him in my lab not you."

I never really thought about the picture of the penis. Truth is, I didn't have time to think about the fact that I was looking at a picture of a tiny dick - some other guy's tiny dick - flying on a flag high over the school. Principal Boone grabbed me and hauled me into his office before I could really process the peen.

"That's too bad about Nick," I say, but I don't mean it.

"Peter, how can you be so cruel?" Elroy asks. "I mean, revenge is a dish best served cold and all that, but you got your revenge at the assembly. You got your revenge by living your best life. What you did to Nick was just brutal."

"What I did to Nick? Elroy, you don't really think I did it, do you?"

But before Elroy can answer that, we're interrupted by a massive football player everyone calls Thor because he has rippling muscles for days and flowing blonde hair. On the field, Thor is a beast. He crushes opposing players without fear or mercy. But standing here at my locker, Thor looks small.

"Hey Peter," he says. "I just want to say I'm sorry for everything. I'm just really sorry. Are we cool?"

"I guess so," I say, because I'm not really sure what else to say. Like the rest of the football team, Thor has plenty to apologize to me for. He has plenty to apologize to the school for. But why on Earth is he apologizing now?

Then Thor gives me an awkward fist bump and steps aside. I see a line of football players has formed behind where Thor stood. It's the entire team, except for Nick Spears.

"Everyone thinks you did this," Elroy whispers in my ear. "There's a free the peen Twitter account. There was a picture of the flag, and the message read, one of eleven."

"One of eleven?"

I look down the line of football players.

"They all think they're next," Elroys says. "They fear you, Peter."

The bullies fear me? 

The bullies fear me.

The bullies fear me!

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Now, that everyone fears him, how do you think Peter should handle his newfound power?

A) Time for a reckoning. Peter needs to settle some scores!

B) Be Cool. Peter should use his power to foster a culture of respect.

C) Extortion. Peter should see what he can get out of the football team before their peens end up on a flag?

D) Walk away. Peter should focus on personal growth and being honest with Audrey.