Sorry Not Sorry
My eyes are bleary from lack of sleep, and if I'm being honest, because I cried a few more times in my room last night. But as I walk out to meet Nick Spears in the middle of the school gym, with all of my classmates looking on, I see something I hadn't noticed before.
The banners.
John Wayne High School has a district championship banner for every year of the past two decades. But there are no division or state championship banners. Maybe if I had paid attention at any of countless assemblies or pep rallies to talk about The Dukes, I would've realized that this school, my school, always manages to win the district, and then always manages to be eliminated from the playoffs.
That thought causes a wry smile to run across my face, because I realize that there's always some bigger out there. Here at school, Nick Spears and the football team are the biggest things around. They are the big fish inside of a small pond. On the field, within our district, their dominance is unchallenged. But outside the district, where it counts, The Dukes are just some other team's bitch.
I meet Nick in the center of the gym. He looks fine to me. I don't know if Principal Boone was lying about the surgery, or if he was just misinformed, but seeing Nick standing there, cocky as ever, it's clear that whatever damage I did was quickly healed with an ice pack.
"What happened yesterday can never happen again at John Wayne High School," Principal Boone says. "We have a zero tolerance policy for violence. Zero tolerance."
For some reason, Principal Boone saying zero tolerance this time makes me want to laugh. I knew it was bullshit when he said it, because it's obvious to everyone at John Wayne High School that the football players can get away with anything. But what makes me want to laugh is the realization that it should now be obvious to everyone that the school's zero tolerance policy doesn't apply to me either. Not really. If it did apply, I'd be expelled, just like Principal Boone promised. But my Dad threatened to sue, which is why they let me come back to school. I didn't even miss a day. And of course, Nick's parents threatened to sue my parents, which is why I'm standing here, about to give a bullshit apology. But once again, it occurs to me that there are things outside this school that worry Principal Boone. There are football teams that will crush the manhood of the Dukes, just as there are lawyers who can crush the spirit of John Wayne High School's principal.
"Now, I believe you have something to say, Peter."
All eyes turn to me, and my eyes focus on Nick Spears. He's got his usual dumb smirk on his face, but as I study my bully, my mind flashes back to yesterday, and how that smirk turned to tears as soon as I punched him in the nuts. What's different today is that I'm not afraid of Nick. I'm not afraid of what he'll do to me. If this apology was designed to humiliate me, I think it's backfired. Because as I look around the gym, I realize that it took all the authority John Wayne High School could muster to make me say I'm sorry to Nick the dick Spears. Which just goes to show you that Nick's dominance over the school isn't as solid as some would think.
In that instant, I decide not to use my prepared apology, the one my father approved this morning over breakfast. Instead, I will speak from the heart.
"Thank you, Principal Boone," I begin. "And thank you to the students of John Wayne High School for coming here to the gym this morning, when I know you had school work to attend to."
From the section where the nerds sit, I hear a brief chuckle. In the crowd, I find Elroy. Just like yesterday, he looks terrified for me.
"I know this school has a zero tolerance policy," I say. "And so I want to say thank you to Principal Boone for making an exception to that policy for me. Can we have a round of applause for Principal Boone?"
For a moment, nothing happens. My heart sinks into my stomach, and I wonder if I've miscalculated. But then Elroy claps. And a second later, the kids sitting next to him join. Then suddenly, half the gym is clapping for Principal Boone, which is awkward, because the other half of the school - the jocks, the mean girls, and the cool kids - have no idea what to do. The teachers don't know what to do either. And so they all look to Principal Boone for guidance, but he looks like a deer caught in the headlights, and his face is turning bright red.
"Nick, don't you think we should thank Principal Boone for making an exception for the both of us?"
Nick's answer is a scowl. But it doesn't matter. I have no intention of stepping away from the microphone so that Nick the dick Spears can address the school.
"You know," I say as the clapping dies down, "I'm not from around here. I didn't grew up like you guys, watching The Dukes. So I've had to learned about our school's winning tradition, and our culture of excellence. And it's been quite the education, learning about all the district championships we've won, and all the times we lost in the playoffs."
My eyes catch Coach Krieger, who looks furious. But he's not as pissed as the football players next to him.
"I mean, I don't know how The Dukes do it year after year," I continue. "They dominate our little district, but then they end up getting crushed by some bigger, stronger team from somewhere else."
I lock eyes with Nick before I deliver my next line.
"I guess it just goes to show you that there's always someone out there who is bigger than you, tougher than you, stronger than you, meaner than you. I guess there's always someone out there who is better than you."
It's quiet enough in the gym to hear a pin drop. And so I know it's time for my final line.
"Sorry about that, Nick."
I step away from the microphone and look out over the crowd. The school is stunned. But then I hear a solitary clap. And then another solitary clap. Followed by another.
It's Elroy.
Then it's the rest of the math and science nerds.
Followed by the theater geeks.
Then it's all of the rejects, even the stoners. And they're all slow-clapping.
For me.
But they're not just clapping for me. They're also clapping for themselves. They're clapping in defiance of this miserable place with its toxic culture.
I don't wait for Principal Boone to dismiss me. Instead, I walk toward the door. But as I reach the halfway point, I hear Nick's voice on the microphone. He sounds unsteady and nervous.
"Hey um..."
I freeze, but I don't turn around.
"Is this thing, um on?"
The slow-clapping continues while Nick tries to gain control of himself.
"That was... it was... a... bad... apology," Nick says in a halting voice that tells me I didn't just rattle the school, I rattled Nick to his core.
"That was like..." Nick continues, "not cool, Peter. Not, um, cool. OK. Because, like, you were supposed to, um, say sorry, and um..."
I can tell Nick is building to something, but I refuse to show him the respect of turning around to face him.
"You were supposed to be the BIGGER man, Peter. Yeah: the BIGGER man."
It's a cruel attempt at humor, but Nick has fumbled the punchline. And his fumble is made even worse by the fact that he's the only one laughing at his joke. The cool kids don't find it funny. The mean girls don't find it funny. Not even his teammates, the boys who are supposed to follow him no matter what, can summon so much as a chuckle to save their quarterback.
So, I keep walking. And as I leave the gym, the only thing I hear is the sound of applause, and if feels amazing.
❤️Thanks for reading!❤️
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Now that Peter has turned the tables on his bully, the football team, and his school, what do you think will happen?
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