It's late at night, and I can't sleep because whenever I close my eyes, I see Elroy saying, "Peter, she's a size queen." The image loops in my mind like one of those annoying internet memes, which might be the reason I get up out of bed and sit down at my computer. 

A quick Google search tells me what I already know: size queens are real. Some women just like big dicks. That's actually a headline of one of the articles I find. Another article on a website called I Fucking Love Science explains where women can go to find men with big dicks by overlaying penis size studies with Google Maps. Turns out, Cuba, Mexico, Sweden, Norway, Italy, and The Netherlands are all big dick paradises. 

Of course, the article cautions readers to take the data with a grain of salt because "men lie, especially about the size of their dicks." But the fact that the article exists at all tells me that at least some women care about this stuff. Which means everything Elroy has been saying about how there's no correlation between penis size and pleasure and how all this stuff is a social construct might not be true in Audrey's case. If she really is a size queen, I know I won't measure up.

But maybe she's not a size queen. Maybe the rumors are just rumors. I may not be crushing my high school experience, but I know enough to know that rumors are as common as bullies, mean girls, and bad cafeteria food. So I decide to search for Audrey on the internet. Technically, this is a creepy move, but I just have to know.

Unfortunately, the internet doesn't have a lot of answers. It's not like the local news reports who has been expelled from school, and even if they did, the answer wouldn't be because she's a size queen. Still a part of me wonders if there might be a record about the dick pics? If Audrey was collecting dick pics of every guy in school, wouldn't the authorities get involved in some point? And if they did get involved, wouldn't there be a news story about that?

Of course, confirming the dick pics isn't quite the same thing as confirming the size queen rumor, and as that realization sets in, it occurs to me that I've conducted a very limited search. The wider internet may not have the information I'm looking for, but social media probably does. I deleted my account after "the incident," and to be honest, I haven't really missed social media. Most of the information in the John Wayne High School networks was about football, and school spirit, and what all the cool kids were up to. I never really cared about their Insta-lives.

But now I have reason to care. So before I know it, I've reactivated my accounts. I'd prefer to start a new account under a pseudonym, but the thing about social media is that you have to connect with people you know for it to work. That's why the Peter's Little Peter meme and the PLP hashtag were so awful. Wherever I went, I couldn't escape them.

As it turns out, social media remains a difficult place for me. Every guy on the football has made a GIF of Nick Spears pantsing me and turned it into their profile pic. Meanwhile, the meme girls keep posting reaction videos to the sight of my small dick. Actually, I'm not sure my dick even matters to the meme girls, but my penis has become a stand-in for an unfortunate surprise, like a pop quiz in geometry or meatloaf day in the cafeteria. As far as shattering a guy's confidence goes, making his dick a stand-in for whatever you find least desirable at the moment is more than enough to get the job done.

But I'm not here to dwell on "the incident," or its aftermath. I'm here to see what I can learn about Audrey. So I type in her name and see what comes up. In a second, I have my answer. Her wall is plastered with obnoxious comments from guys at John Wayne High School. Most comments reference their dicks, and all of the comments are pretty horrid. There are no dick pics on her wall -- I assume those would be flagged and removed anyway -- but there is a clear theme around Audrey and dick pics. And that leads me to believe that Elroy was right about the size queen stuff.

My heart sinks. I can live with the kids at school making fun of me, but the thought of Audrey seeing my tiny penis and recoiling turns my stomach into knots. I mean, she likes me. A lot. She asked me out. And I like her. A lot. That never happens, or at least it's never happened for me. But I know that even if things go well between us, especially if things go well between us, I'm doomed to fail. If Audrey is a size queen, I'm the last guy she'll want to date.

But then another thought crosses my mind. Elroy said I could add up to three inches to my length, with corresponding girth. That would give me a six-inch penis, which based on everything I've read online, is slightly bigger than average. Maybe that's not what a size queen desires, but maybe she can make an exception in my case. I mean, Subway advertises the footlong, but plenty of people settle for the six-inch sub, right?

The trouble is, I'm just not sure how long it'll take for Elroy's Chub Potion Number Nine to work. He said two weeks, but is this the kind of thing where you wake up with a bigger dick two weeks later, or does it grow gradually over time? I hope it's the latter. And so I pull down my pants, find a ruler and measure my dick. 

For me, there isn't much difference between my flaccid penis and an erection, but in a battle of inches, everything counts. So I wrap my fingers around my shaft and slide my hand up and down. After a few strokes, I'm hard. But after I measure, it doesn't seem like I've grown at all. Maybe, I think, I might be bigger if I was harder. So I whack off a little more, but I'm not sure it's possible to get any harder. Then, I look at my computer and realize that the internet awaits. 

I log onto a website with more free porn than I could watch in a million lifetimes. But no matter how many different types of women or sex acts there are to choose from, one thing remains constant. All the guys are hung like horses. Seriously, why bother making a map for women who want men with big dicks, when they could just visit a porn set?

Still, I try to not to think about the dicks. I try to focus on the woman. She's pretty, and she's naked, and she's masturbating. For some reason, she's masturbating in a mechanic's garage, which seems like an uncomfortable place to pleasure yourself, but I really don't care about the setting, and from the way she's moaning, I guess she doesn't either. 

But then two mechanics walk in, which totally kills the mood. Because she stops masturbating, and so do I. I know I'm not supposed to judge, but these guys look sketchy, and I can't understand why's she hasn't put her clothes back on and run out of the garage. But that doesn't matter at the moment, not for me anyway. 

My shaft is standing tall, or as tall as it gets. And the head of my penis looks like a swollen mushroom. It's now or never if I'm going to measure my maximum size. So I grab the ruler and lay my penis on it. The wood of the ruler against my shaft sends a wave of pleasure through me that I wasn't expecting. I'm closer to orgasm than I thought, which means I better take the measurement before the inevitable deflation takes its toll.

I squint, but I can't tell if I've grown. In fact, I think I'm right where I was before Elroy's Chub Potion Number Nine. Then out of the corner of my eye, I see the woman on the screen fall to her knees and take one of the mechanics into her mouth. The image sends me over the edge. All at once, I feel the ecstasy of a powerful orgasm, and the agony of knowing that I haven't grown at all, that maybe I'll never measure up, not to the guys on the screen, or the jerks at school, or worst of all, to whatever fantasy Audrey has in her head. All I've really accomplished is it to make a mess of my ruler. 

But as I reach for the tissues, I notice something on the screen. Next to the video, which has gotten really gross at this point, there's an ad for a machine called The Extender 2. I click on the ad immediately, and within minutes I have used the money in my PayPal account to order a contraption that promises to solve all my problems. It'll be here in two weeks, which means one way or another, I'm getting a bigger dick, thanks to Elroy's Chub Potion Number Nine or the Extender 2, or maybe some combination of both, because let's face it, I need all the help I can get. In the meantime, all I need to do is keep things going in the right direction with Audrey without taking things too far. Because if she sees my penis before it's ready for primetime, she'll drop me.

Thanks for reading! Don't forget to vote! 🙏

Any advice for Peter on how to keep things moving in the right direction with Audrey without getting a look at his penis too soon?🍆 👀

What did you think of this chapter? Specifically, I'm curious what you thought of the self-love description? Too much? Too little (no pun intended). Just right?

Also, let's here it for Cuba, Mexico, Sweden, Norway, Italy, and The Netherlands! 👏 Assuming the guys there are telling the truth, those nations might just see a boost in tourism from the Audreys of this world.