Whatever confidence I had in Elroy's lab deserts by the time I return home. I've been looking at my phone for the past two hours, typing out and deleting a series of messages to Audrey. I want to sound casual, like Han Solo when Leia says, "I love you," and he replies, "I know." But I'm just not sure how to get that level off coolness across in a text message.

It probably didn't help that I measured before trying to text Audrey. I thought it would boost my confidence to see a slightly bigger penis, but what I saw was the exact same penis. A baby carrot that just can't compete with the cucumber I know Audrey wants.

Of course, with my baby carrot in my hand and my mind on Audrey, I did a little more than measure. At first, I thought rubbing one out would help me clear my mind, focus on what I would text Audrey. But the more I stroked, the more my mind drifted.

I was watching a porn video where a woman in a nurse's uniform was giving a patient a blowjob. For some reason - it was never quite clear in the plot - the man was there to donate sperm. But I guess he was having trouble, and so that's when the nurse came in to help.

And that's when my trouble started. Because for some reason, whoever directed this porn clip did a close-up of this guy's massive dong. And then they cut to the nurse's reaction, and she said something like, "Wow."

Then she dropped to her knees, took the dude's massive dong in her right hand, and began to lick up and down the shaft of his penis like it was giant popsicle.

That's when I glanced down at my own dick. But I couldn't see it, because my dick is so small that it disappears in my hand whenever I jack off.

Suddenly, this terrible image popped into my head of my dick lost in Audrey's hand. And the more the woman in the porn clip stroked the man and moaned about how much she loved his big dick, the less confident I felt.

I still finished.

Of course.

Because you have to finish what you start.

But as I erupted in my hand, all I could think was that if Audrey ever gave me a handjob, she'd only need to use her thumb and her finger to stroke me off. Trust me, that's not an inspiring thought you want to pair with an orgasm.

Maybe that's why I'm reluctant to text Audrey. Because I know that if I text her, she'll agree to go to George's party with me. And if we go to the party, we'll have a great time. And if we have a great time, we'll end up making out. And if we end up making out, I'll eventually get her bra off, and she'll eventually get my pants off. And then everything will go to shit.

So, I type out a message, delete, and repeat.

In theory, this can go on until I run down my battery. But fate intervenes before my battery dies. Actually, maybe it's not fate. Maybe it's just my clumsy fingers.

After typing out and then deleting a message for what feels like the thousandth time, my finger slips and I glance the Call button. The screen reads:

Calling Audrey...

Right away, my heart starts pounding, and I can feel a cold sweet forming on my forehead. I want to hang up, but Audrey picks up on the first ring. Who does that?

"Hey Peter, long time no talk."

"Um..."

There's a painful pause. Actually, painful is an understatement. The pause is excruciating.

"Peter, are you there, or is this a butt-dial?"

"I'm here," I say. "This is me talking, not my butt."

Audrey giggles.

"Good, I hate it when guys try to talk out of their asses."

We both laugh, which makes me feel a little less nervous. There's something about talking to Audrey, I realize, that makes me feel good. Sure, I'm nervous when I'm thinking about her, but when we're actually talking, I feel calm and excited all at once, as if there's something electric in the air between us. But whatever that something is, I feel confident that I can handle it. Actually, I like that electric feeling. I live for it. Is this what they mean by chemistry, I wonder?

As it turns out, Audrey can't talk long. She has to close up Coffee Fix, and then get home to work on her college applications.

"Art school," she says. "You have to take the SATs and send them your transcripts, which is kind of weird for someone who's homeschooled. I mean, doesn't everyone's mom just give them straight A's?"

"I don't know," I say. "My mom would probably give me C's."

Audrey giggles.

"That's what I like about you, Peter?"

"What's that?"

"You're funny and you're honest."

There's another pause on the phone, but this one isn't painful, just a little awkward. Then Audrey says, "So... anyway, yeah..."

"Your college application..." I prompt.

"Right. That's why I've got to jam. I need to show them a portfolio. They look at the other stuff, but it's like checking a box, you know. SATs, check. Grades, check. But the main thing is the portfolio. It has to blow their minds."

"Cool," I say. "I'd love to see it sometime."

"Absolutely," she says. "I'd love for you to see it."

The conversation comes to another awkward halt.

"But if I don't finish it, I can't show it to you," she says. "Or them."

"Right."

"So, I have to go."

"Right."

"Unless, there was something you were calling to ask me."

Suddenly, it hits my like a ton of bricks. I don't know how I could've forgotten to ask, but somehow I did. I guess Audrey has that effect on me.

"I... um..." I begin. "I was wondering if, um..."

As I stumble, I desperately want Audrey to intervene, to let me off the hook. Because something tells me we both know what I'm trying to say here. But I get the feeling that she likes watching me squirm. Not in a mean way, but sort of gentle teasing. And actually, I don't mind, as long as it's Audrey doing the teasing.

"Well, Audrey, the thing is, I really had a good time on our date, and um... I was wondering if you want to go out again? With me. On a date. A second date. Together. On Saturday. This Saturday."

"I thought you'd never ask."

I exhale, and I feel the tension leave my body.

"To be honest," I say, "there were moments on this call when I thought I never would either."

"Well, you can breathe, big guy, because I'd love to."

Then Audrey hangs up. And all I can think about is that she called me big guy, which can't be an accident. Can it?

A second later, my phone buzzes with a text. It's a selfie of Audrey. She's blowing me a kiss. That's the first thing I notice. The second thing I notice is that angle of the camera is pointed down toward her cleavage so that I have a clear view of Audrey's boobs. Which of course causes my little peter to spring to life.

🙌Thanks for reading!❤️

So was Audrey messing with Peter when she called him "big guy," or was it just a meaningless turn of phrase?

Leave an emoji if you think Peter needs to find better porn to watch?

Audrey is homeschooled. Raise your hand if you were/are homeschooled? Did your parents give you straight A's?

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