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"The average penis is just over five inches in length," Elroy says. "Circumference, or girth, is four inches."

We're at Elroy's lab, which looks like the science labs at school. Except the equipment is newer, there are movie posters on the walls, and there are two capuchin monkeys, one named Colonel Mustard the other named Rita, who may, or may not, be part of psychology experiment involving Skittles and exposure to cartoons. I asked Elroy to explain the monkeys, but after telling me their names and warning me not to feed them Skittles, he launched into a lecture about penis size.

"Of course, these are approximate measures," Elroy continues. "And frankly, we should be using the metric system - that's the scientific standard. But when it comes to penis size, the general public, even in countries that use the metric system, thinks in terms of inches or feet."

"Feet," I gasp.

"Well, I should say foot. There's no such thing as a two-foot penis, at least there's no record of a such a long penis in the medical journals. And in any case, that much length would present certain practical problems."

"Practical problems?"

"Sex, Peter."

"Oh."

"I take it you're still a virgin?" Elroy asks.

The question makes me uncomfortable. I turn away from Elroy and gaze out the window at the main house. Elroy's family is rich, which explains the expensive equipment and the fact that they let their son turn the guest house on their massive estate into a lab. Looking around, part of me wonders why Elroy would even want to cure small dick syndrome? Sure, there's money in it, but it looks like Elroy has money to burn, because I'm pretty sure the monkeys aren't cheap. But another part of me, the part that wins out, wonders if Elroy can really do what he claims?

"It's perfectly normal to be a virgin," Elroy says. "I'm a virgin. Though not from a lack of trying. The reason I ask, Peter, is that if we're going to do this, if we're going to give you a big penis, I need as much data as possible."

"OK."

"That means I need some basic information like height and weight."

"Sure."

"But I also need a sexual history."

"It's a pretty brief history," I say. 

"That's fine, there's no judgement here. I'm a man of science."

"OK. But then why do you care if I'm a virgin?"

"I don't care," Elroy says. "It's just data. That might be a meaningless detail. Noise that obscures the signal. Have you read The Signal and the Noise by Nate Silver? It's a fantastic book on data analytics."

I haven't read that book, and I don't even know what data analytics means. I'm just an average - well maybe slightly below average, American teenage male. But Elroy strikes me as some kind of boy genius like your read about in comic books.

"Let me give you a for instance, Peter."

"Sure."

"Let's say size does matter."

"I'm pretty sure it does."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, um..."

I don't really want to explain how I know that size matters because it just does. If size didn't matter, porn stars wouldn't need such huge dongs. If size didn't matter, the boys at school wouldn't make fun of me. If size didn't matter, the girls wouldn't giggle. If size didn't matter, Elroy's plan to corner the market wouldn't make any sense.

"There are a lot of cultural assumptions about penis size," Elroy says, "but it might surprise you to learn that there's no correlation between sexual pleasure and penis size."

"There isn't?"

"No. In fact, to the extent that size does matter, it's the larger men that have something to worry about. Because there is such a thing as being too big."

"There is?"

My head is spinning. I've always known that my penis was small. I've always been ashamed of that fact, and up until "the incident," I've guarded that secret with my life. But I've never once considered that there was such a thing as Big Penis Problems. 

"The point," Elroy says, "is that there's a disconnect between aesthetics and physiology."

"Huh?"

"Our society values a big penis," Elroy says. "Those are the aesthetics. But in a physiological sense, a large penis is problematic. Many women find it uncomfortable. Certain sexual positions are off limits. Frankly, the big penis is a big pain."

"And what's this got to do with my virginity?"

"Great question! The hypothesis, well one of many, is that a large penis instills a false sense of confidence in a man."

"OK."

"Humans consistently rank confidence as a key attribute in whether or not a partner is considered attractive."

"Sure. I've heard that."

"Therefore, one question we're asking is whether the confidence that comes from having a big penis translates into a measurable outcome, such as the age at which a man loses his virginity."

"But I have a small penis."

"Yes, you do. And so what I'm asking is if the opposite is true. That is, does your small penis hinder your sex life?"

"Um... well, I'm pretty sex lifeless, at the moment."

"Precisely!" 

Elroy hands me a tablet.

"This is a survey I'll need you to fill out. Once I have that information, I can make a better assessment of how your small penis affects your life."

"I can tell you that right now. It's ruining my life."

"Maybe, maybe not."

"But when do I get a bigger dick?"

Elroy sighs and says, "Peter, this is a data-driven process. If you want to try your luck with penis pills on the internet or some other snake oil, you can do that. But I'm a scientist."

I'm not quite sure, but I get the feeling that I've upset Elroy. So I say, "Sorry about that, man."

"It's OK, Peter. I know this is a painful topic. And believe me, if I could wave a magic wand, I'd wave it over your penis and make it grow into an eight-inch behemoth."

"Could you go ten?"

"Trust me, Peter, you really don't want to go beyond eight. There's a saying in the penis business: eight is great, nine is divine, ten is trouble."

"That's a saying? That's not a saying."

"At any rate, if I had that wand, I'd use that wand. But there's no such thing as magic, Peter. There just isn't. So the next best thing we have is science, and science is pretty great."

"It worked for Einstein," I blurt out.

"Do you always blurt out ridiculous statements when you get nervous?"

"Um..."

"Never mind. It'll show up in the results of the psych survey," Elroy says, pointing to the tablet. "Now, there's just one other thing. Because we need to make sure that we gather as much data as possible."

"OK, what's that?"

"Your size, Peter."

"Huh?"

"We're going to need to measure your penis."

Elroy hands me a measuring tape.

"I trust you can measure yourself?" he asks.

"I think that's for the best."

"Me too."

Elroy walks to the door and says, "I'll give you some privacy."

"Thanks."

"Just remember that to get an accurate measurement, you need to be erect."

"Gotcha."

"The computer on the table is connected to the internet if you need any... stimulation. The password is bananas."

"Got it. Bananas."

"I'll leave you to it, unless there's anything else."

"Um..."

I look over at Colonel Mustard and Rita. They're both eating Skittles and staring at me. 

"Do you have a curtain you could put over the monkeys?" I ask. "We only just met, and I don't think Colonel Mustard and Rita should see this."

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