The Chub Potion Number Nine tastes a little different than I remember.

"Horny Goat Weed," Elroy says.

"Huh?"

"Horny Goat Weed. That's why this batch tastes a little different."

"It tastes worse."

"Yes, the literature on Horney Goat Weed mentioned a metallic aftertaste." 

"It tastes like I just chewed on a case of aluminum foil."

Elroy hands me a water and some Skittles to kill the flavor in my mouth. It's then that I notice that there's only one monkey in Elroy's lab.

"What happened to the other monkey?" I ask.

"You mean, Colonel Mustard?"

I nod.

"He's no longer with us?"

"No longer with us?"

"He passed away. Possibly diabetes. Or complications from diabetes. Or something else."

I look at the Skittles in my hand.

"I'm still waiting for the final lab results, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't the Skittles."

"You killed your monkey?"

"No. I tried to save him. Rita too. We took turns doing CPR."

I look over at Rita. I'm not sure if monkeys grieve, but if they do, the expression on Rita's face tells me that she misses Colonel Mustard dearly.

"You killed him with candy?"

Elroy frowns.

"Like I said, I'm waiting for the labs to come back. But it probably wasn't the candy."

My eyes turn to the empty beaker I just drank from.

"Elroy, didn't you say that you tested the Chub Potion Number Nine on Colonel Mustard?"

"Indeed. He was quite fond of the stuff."

"What about Rita?"

"Oh no, that would be silly."

"Why?"

"Well, Rita is a female."

"So?"

"Peter, how would you propose to make a woman's penis bigger?"

I shoot a puzzled look at Elroy.

"Is this a trick question?"

"In a manner of speaking, I suppose."

"OK..."

"You don't make a woman's penis bigger because women don't have penises."

"Yeah, they covered that in biology. On like day one."

"So, I wouldn't test Chub Potion Number Nine on Rita because she doesn't have a penis."

I'm a little annoyed. I feel like Elroy could've just come out and said that. But then again, I guess I could've just come out and said what I was afraid of, instead of beating around the bush.

"Elroy, is there any chance that Chub Potion Number Nine killed Colonel Mustard?"

"Killed Colonel Mustard?"

"Yes, in the laboratory, with the beaker."

Elroy laughs.

"What's so funny?"

"I just appreciate a good Clue joke, that's all."

"You're welcome. Now, back to my question. Did Love Potion Number Nine Kill Colonel Mustard?"

Elroy's face turns serious, and he points me toward a chair.

"You better sit down."

I take a seat.

"Peter, not much gets by you I'm afraid."

"OK."

"As I said before, I'm still waiting on the labs to come back for Colonel Mustard. But yes, as a man of science, I have some grave concerns about Chub Potion Number Nine."

"Grave concerns? What kind of grave concerns?"

"Well, I have reason to believe that Chub Potion Number Nine might be fatal in large doses."

"How large?"

"Difficult to say."

"Have I had too much Chub Potion Number Nine? Is that why you were trying to talk me out of this batch?"

"Well, I can't really say for certain at this point what would constitute too much Chub Potion Number Nine, and I wouldn't want to speculate without data. But yes, to answer your first question, that's exactly why I was trying to talk you out of another batch."

I feel a strange bubbling in my stomach like I want to puke.

"On the other hand, when we first began this work, you expressed to me, via the survey of course, that your life was hopeless and not worth living. In fact, I believe you answered several questions about happiness with the phrase: fuck my life."

"That doesn't mean I wanted to die. Not really."

"No, of course not. It's an expression. But at that moment, looking at your data, I determined that the risk was worth the reward."

"OK."

"And it worked, Peter. Don't you see?"

"It worked? It worked a little. Like I said, I think I added an extra quarter inch of length. But that's without measuring. And I was really excited at that moment. I mean really excited. Audrey's boob were in my face. My face. Like touching my face. That's how excited I was."

"I get it. Gay men understand the appeal of boobs. I think it's basic human nature. They're round, and life-giving, and they're can be quite fun to play with, I'm told."

"They. Are. Amazing. And honestly, I think that's what gave me the extra quarter inch. But it's not like her boobs did anything for my girth. There wasn't any girth to speak of. I'm still as narrow as pencil. So how is the Chub Potion Number Nine working?"

"It worked in terms of changing your attitude. Look what happened at school today. You were more alive and happier than I've ever seen you. That little bit of growth went a long way, Peter."

Suddenly, I don't care about that. I don't even care about a bigger penis. I just don't want to die. And I really don't want to die a virgin. Not when I have a second date with Audrey. 

"Am I going to die?"

"Well, we all die, eventually."

"Please be straight with me."

"Peter, I've told you, I'm gay."

"Bad choice of words. Be honest with me. Is this stuff going to kill me?"

"If you keep taking it, probably. But at this point, I'm very confident you're safe."

"Very confident?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Well, for one thing, you've had less Chub Potion Number Nine than Colonel Mustard when you account for your relative body weights."

"OK, that's comforting."

"It should be. Also, the formula is a little different."

"That Horny Goat Weed stuff?"

"Yes."

"What is that anyway?"

"It's an ancient Chinese remedy for enhancing the libido. Very powerful. The legend has it that if you take it, you'll cause your lover to have one hundred orgasms."

"In a row?"

"Peter, it's a legend. There's no documentation on Horny Goat Weed in terms of scaling orgasms."

"Oh."

"But it does increase blood flow," Elroy says. "That's been proven."

"OK. But why the change? And shouldn't the stuff I just drank be called Chub Potion Number 10?"

"Technically, it's Chub Potion Number 106.3. But I'm sticking with Chub Potion Number Nine for branding purposes."

"Oh, that is catchy."

"Yes. Anyway, my suspicion is that there was another ingredient in the previous batch that may have contributed to Colonel Mustard's death. So I removed that ingredient and replaced it with Horny Goat Weed."

"And now it's just as effective?"

Elroy shoots me a surprised look.

"Peter, I thought you were going to ask me if it was safe."

Suddenly, I feel a tinge of anger run through me. At first, I don't know why. Then I realize something. I should've asked about my safety first, but instead I asked about my penis. I've been torn between the two throughout this conversation with Elroy, and I'm not sure why.

"I believe there's an idiom for what you're feeling right now," Elroy says. "It's called thinking with your dick."

Elroy's right, and that annoys me. I can't believe I've became so obsessed with my penis that I risked my life. But now that I've already had the Chub Potion Number Nine, all I want to know is if it'll make my penis bigger.

"I don't care about safety," I say. "Besides, I already drank that stuff. What I want to know is if the risk is worth the reward? So tell me, Elroy, is this new formula going to make my penis bigger?"

"It should, yes."

"And I'll see full results within two weeks? Just like the previous batch?"

"No, given the cumulative effects, you'll likely see full results much sooner. Probably within days."

"You mean, I could be bigger by this weekend?"

"Certainly."

A smile runs across my face.

"Audrey," Elroy says. 

"That's right," I say. "I'm going to be huge for her."

"Of course, she might not want to see your penis this weekend. Actually, she might not ever want to see your penis."

"Oh, she wants to see my penis," I say. "And by the time your new Chub Potion Number Nine works its magic--"

"Science."

"Right, science. And when my dick is huge, every girl in school is going to want to see it. I mean, see it again. But obviously again for the first time, so to speak. Because it'll be huge. And they'll all be so impressed."

Elroy rolls his eyes.

"Is there anything about girls you don't know?"

I think about that for a moment. 

"Yes. How to ask them out on a second date?"

"You haven't asked Audrey yet?"

"I've been too nervous to talk to her since our first date. Things went so well, I didn't want to screw them up."

"You mean, you made out with her and now you're ignoring her?"

"Um..."

"Oh boy, Peter. You've got a lot to learn. If you want my advice, give Audrey a call and tell her the truth about why you've been missing in action."

"Or, I could just text."

"Or, you could just text."

Thanks for reading!

Should Peter be worried about his health?🚑

Show some tears for Colonel Mustard.😭

What's up with Peter going radio silent on Audrey? Do you think she'll be pissed at him?

Give Peter some advice for when he calls / texts Audrey. Does he need to apologize or explain why he didn't call her earlier, or should he just tell her to come to George's party?