⚠️TW: depression, suicidal thoughts and mentions, self harm mentions⚠️

Peter takes his pills, twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night. He hates the way they make him feel, the therapist said they were going to make him happy. He knows she was lying, he doesn't feel happy he feels numb. But he fakes the happiness, using what he sees in others to reflect joy. The lighting up of ones eyes that accompanies a smile, the light airy chuckle, the way a persons eyes water when they laugh so hard they can't breathe. That's all peter, but on a deeper level it's not him at all. Like a book, the first page filled with complete joy and wonder. The rest of the book blank, six hundred pages of nothing. Empty sheets for an empty mind, room to add more happiness, sadness, anything. But no pencil to write it with. The pills fill more pages, so to an observer the book seems full, no one bothers to look far enough into the book to realize it's empty. The plot of the book lost among the blinding white of the page and the absence of ink.

Peter wakes to his alarm, just like every other day. He turns it off and rolls out of bed, just like every other day. He brushes his teeth and gets dressed. When he enters the kitchen he sees May, she's cooking for herself, she knows peter is going to eat at school, he always does.

"Hey pete, how are you?" She asks, what's was once a light question now weighs a million pounds. How is he? He doesn't know, so he answers how he used to.

"I'm good May, how are you?" He responds pulling in his shoes.

"Good, did you take your pill?" She looks at him this time, plate of food in her hand. He answers as she sits.

"Yes, I've got to go. See you later," He forces a smile, his face feels numb.

"Oh remember the trip, you have so it'll be later than normal today,"

"Oh right, we'll I'll see you tonight then. Bye May larb you"

"Larb you" she waves, he walks out the door and down the street. He got ready quicker today, so he decides to walk. It's a chilly day, the breeze normally mistaken for air blown by passing cars. It's nice, Peter thinks, if only he could feel. The pills are numbing his emotions faster than he can grip on, he knows when the pills ware off it's going to be worse today. Emotions he should have been feeling will come crashing through the walls the pills build. At least he'll be at home, so he can take another before he relapses.

He arrives at the familiar building and finds his locker. Ned is already day there, waiting to talk about some new LEGO, or a movie he saw.

"Hey peter, you'll never guess what! I got a new LEGO set, we have to build it. But not today because we have the trip but maybe tomorrow!" Peter looks at Ned as he's talking and notices the joy in his eyes, the happiness in his smile. What he wouldn't give to feel that, even for a second.

"Yeah, definitely" Peter smiles back, although his smile doesn't reach his eyes like Neds. The bell rings and they head to class.

The day passes in a blur, people all around him smiling at their friends, laughing at jokes no one else would understand, crying over a relationship, angry about a pop quiz. So many emotions and Peter feels none. Numb, he feels numb. Maybe that's his emotion, numb. It's all he ever feels, all he remembers, all he knows.

The decathlon trip gathered in the science lab to talk about the trip. They didn't know where they were going yet, just that it was going to be a long and interesting trip. Some speculated that they would go to Oscorp again, peter hoped not. Others thought Stark towers, Peter also hoped not, he didn't want to see the avengers today. They could almost always read him like a book, because a book is still a book even if it's empty. It just gives the reader room to decide what it says.

"Hello decathlon, I know you're all excited for the trip. So without further ado, we are going to... Stark towers!" Mister Harrington, exclaims.

They all cheer, all except Peter, and head to the bus. When they are seated and on their way Mister Harrington stands up, "oh and by the way this is going to be an over night trip, we got permission from all of your parents during lunch that they could drop off your things!"

"Oh my gosh we're staying over night in the Stark tower!" A girl exclaimed. He friend nodded her head with a smile on her face.

"Hey Penis" flash whispers, "ready for your fake internship to be exposed" he laughed.

"Can't wait flash" peter mumbled.

"Hey Penis, Don't talk to me" he scowled.

"Flash, you asked him a question dumbass did you not want him to answer?" Flash just rolled his eyes and turned back to his friends.

"Thanks MJ, but you didn't have to do that he doesn't bother me" Peter 'smiled'.

"Really, he used to." Ned pointed out.

"Yeah, I just don't see a point to listen to him anymore" or to care about anything for that matter.

"Well I'm glad" Ned said, and continued to mumble about who they were going to meet. Peter just closed his eyes.

He felt the bus jerk to a stop and opened his eyes, they were here. He stood up and followed Ned off the bus and into the lobby. The other kids were in awe of the buildings grandeur, peter however remained impartial. He had seen the building more times that he can count, it lost its spectacular appeal after he started the pills, which had been about three months ago.

"Midtown?" Asked a short blond haired man, he looked about twenty. He managed to stand in a way that made him seem taller than he was. Mister Harrington nodded and gestures the team over, "hello, my name is Eli and I'm going to be your tour guide, you will be getting badges that you will scan over there. After you scan the badges you will walk through a scanner and Friday will read out your name and clearance" he started handing out badges but didn't give peter one, "hey Peter"

"Hey Eli" Peter replied, he had worked with Eli when he first became an 'intern'. He didn't recognize him until he said his name.

"You don't need a badge, but you probably know that" he laughed as he handed a badge each to Ned and MJ.

"Yeah" Peter chuckled.

"Ok, you guys can go ahead." He motioned them forwards, Flash of course pushed his way to the front.

"Thompson, Eugene. Level one clearance. Welcome to Stark towers, enjoy your visit.

Before the next person could walk through everyone's parents walked through the doors. Handing their kids their overnight bags and hugging them. Peter turned and saw May, "hey Peter" she said giving him his bag. She hugged him and whispered, "I put your pills in there, I don't know if you're going to get the opportunity to take them but please try to"

"I'll try May, Love you" he said, waving to her as she walked back out to her car.

"Ok let's proceed" the kids took turns walking through the scanner and waited as peter went through. He didn't scan a badge because he didn't need one.

"Wait why didn't Penis scan his badge?" Flash called out.

"Peter, welcome back should I alert boss of your arrival?"

"No thanks Fri, I'm here on a field trip"

"Ok peter, if you need anything just ask"

"I will fri" he looked over and saw Flash, his mouth was slightly agape.

"Eugene close your mouth you look like a fish" MJ stated.

"I-" Flash started.

"Ok everyone let's get going. We're going to drop your stuff off at the room you'll be staying in." The piled into the elevator and Friday took them to the right floor. Eli walked to the fourth door on the left and opened it. "This will be your room, go ahead and pick a bed"

They entered and saw bunk beds lining the wall, Peter and Ned headed to one in the far right corner. Peter climbing to the top while Ned dropped his stuff on the bottom.

"This is so cool man, I really didn't think we'd get to spend the night at Stark towers!"

"Yeah me either man, it's not as exciting though seeing as I do this every weekend. You should actually come stay over one weekend, I'm sure Mister Stark wouldn't mind."

"That would be amazing!" Ned smiled.

"Ok everyone let's get going, time for a Q and A with the Avengers themselves!" Eli said, smiling at all the shocked faces. The followed him out the room and back down the hall to the elevator. Once inside Friday took them once again to the right floor. The filed out and followed Eli to a room at the opposite end, peter recognized it as one to the press conference rooms. He had stood outside that room many times while Tony talked about the latest Stark tech. He had invited peter to join him but peter always declined. He didn't want his face all over the internet, and after thinking about it Tony agreed, it would make peter more of a target than being Spider-Man.

Eli held the door open for everyone as they walked in and took their seats. A few moments passed when the group erupted in cheers, peter watched Tony walk out on stage, press smile changing into a genuine smile when he saw peter, then changing back. He was followed by Steve, Bruce, Natasha, Bucky, Clint who winked at peter, Scott and Loki, who gave a small smile when he saw peter.

"Hello everyone and welcome to our Q and A. Let's get started because you probably all know who we are already" Tony smiled. "Yes you, blue shirt"

"Hi, I'm Eugene but everyone calls me flash. I had a question about the internships at Stark industries"

"Go ahead"

"Ok, do you hire high schoolers"

"No we hire interns staring from freshman year of college upwards. We have hired one high schooler in the past though" Tony answered, "next".

Flash turned and glared at peter a smirk finding its way onto his lips. He was going to use this later and peter knew it.

"You" Tony pointed at MJ.

"My question is for Natasha" Nat smiled and nodded, "What is it like working with team of mostly men, and how does it feel to be a role model to many girls everywhere?"

"Great question, most of the time it's like I'm their actual mothers. Cleaning up after them, they are a bunch of kids to be honest" she chuckled.

"Hey" Clint whined reaching over Bucky to smack her arm.

"My point proven, and being a role model is incredible I never though I'd have the opportunity to influence so many lives. I believe that if you believe you can do what you want to, then you can do it." (Rereading this and it sounds like something Noah scented mayo would say)

"Thank you" MJ smiled, peter made a mental note to bring Mj over when Nat was around.

The Q and A went on for about an hour, they were then escorted to the cafeteria. They grabbed a tray and lined up. Peter following Ned, who was following MJ. Flash walked up behind Peter and bumped into him. "Whoops sorry, I didn't see you. I have a condition where I can't see liers" flash sneered.

"Really? MJ asked leanings past Ned to look flags dead in they eye. " I thought you had idiotitis"

"What's that?" Flash asked in all seriousness.

"Exactly" MJ said, turning back to grab an apple.

They finished grabbing their food, and headed to a table. Peters phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out as Ned and MJ were having a conversation about Natasha.

Tony stank: hey kiddo on your left (yes I changed it)

Peter looked up, he saw Tony beckon him over. "I'll be right back I have to go to the bathroom"

They both nodded and continued their conversation. He stood up and walked towards the hallway. He saw Tony a little ways down outside of one of the labs.

He walked in, "hey kiddo how's the trip so far?" Tony asked.

"It's good, kind of boring you know"

"What are my question answering capabilities not good enough for you" he mimicked offense.

"Haha, no it's just you know, feeling numb"

"Oh right, well after dinner you guys are going to go back to your room and then in about an hour you're going to be surprised with 'avengers quality time' so we can sneak off to the lab then if you want. And what you were saying, did May pack your pills?"

"Yeah, I just don't know if I'll get to take them. Because I can't if everyone's in the same room"

"Yeah, are the morning ones wearing off yet?"

"A little bit, todays going to be bad though I can tell"

"Oh no, I hate seeing you sad kiddo"

" at least I can feel something when I'm sad"

"I know how you feel, remember I only just got off Prozac about a year ago. I can still remember feeling numb"

"Yeah, I should go now"

"Ok kid, if you need me just ask Friday"

"Yup" Peter left the room and walked back into the cafeteria. His group was throwing their garbage away and gathering by the doors. He ran over and thanked Ned for throwing his away. The group followed Eli back to the room and watched him close the door. Peter and MJ joined Ned near his bed on the floor. They're ere talking about random things when Flash decided to walk over.

"Hey Penis, looks like your internship was a lie, such a surprise. I mean how could anyone want you, you're aunt is stuck with you because she's your only living family, the rest couldn't leave fast enough"

"Can you leave to flash, thank you" Ned snapped.

"Oh Is neddy getting defensive?"

"Flash, stop you can attack me but leave them out of it" Peter said pushing flash away with his foot.

"Oh no" Flash snarled, Mister Harrington chose that moment to leave and find a bathroom. "Perfect" Flash sent a kick into Peters side, causing peter to curl up as pain flickered through him like lightning. He remembered then, pain. That's was what made him feel, even with the pills. His wrists stung along with his side now, as he was reminded of the last time he tried to feel with pain.

Flash got bored and left, Ned helped peter sit up. "God Peter you can't let him do that"

"Yes I can, if I don't he'll do it to you" peter winced, the pills also took away his accelerated healing for some reason. It didn't make sense to him but he dealt with it.

"Ok everyone, time for Quality time with the Avengers!"Eli announced as he walked back in the room.

Everyone cheered, and left. Peter followed leaving his phone in his bag. He didn't remember that the alarm for his pills was on his phone. Halfway to the common rooms he felt his walls breaking. The pain that had been contained all day was flooding through. Bursting through small cracks forcing them open. His breathing sped up and he dug his nails into his palms. He felt warm liquid pool in his palms. "Peter?" He heard Loki, "come with me" he was lead away from everyone and brought up eight floors to Tony's lab.

When he entered he was shaking, his body racked with sobs as he scratched his wrists tearing the skin with his super strength.

"Tony he needs you" Loki said, pushing Peter towards his father figure.

"Oh bambino" Tony said as he took Peters hands in his own. Loki can you grab Bruce for these cuts and grab Peters bag from room four on the quarters floor?"

"Yes of course" Loki teleported away leaving nothing but a faint green mist which soon dissipated.

"Come here" tony pulled peter into a hug and threaded his hand through his hair while peter sobbed. "Did you forget the pills?"

"Yeah, I l-left my phone in the room. Fuck I can't breathe"

"Ok let's go sit down" tony led peter to the couch in the lab and sat down with him. "Follow my breathing"

"I just, I hate how they make me feel. Because they stop me from feeling at all. It feels numb like I'm not here and I hate it I want to feel. With this I can fake Happiness, because happiness in happiness even if it's forced. I don't want to take them anymore but every time I don't I relapse. I need help" Peter cried, he had gotten used to opening up to Tony, he was like his father.

"Hey tones I'm here" Bruce said walking over with a med kid. "Hey pete, let me see"

Peter showed Bruce his palms and watched with blurry eyes as he cleaned and bandaged them, moving onto the scratches on his wrists.

"All done, I'll leave now"

"Thanks Brucie" Tony said.

"Thanks Bruce" Peter whispered.

"I've got the bag, did he want his pills?" Loki announce walking in.

"Do you want to take them pete?"

"N-no but I'm afraid of what I'll do it I don't"

"Well you're staying here tonight anyway, so how about I send those kids back to their room and we can have a movie night? We'll be with you all night to stop you if you need it"

"Yeah, ok" Peter sniffled.

Within twenty minutes the decathlon team was back in their room, and Peter was curled up in between Tony and Loki, The Hunger Games was playing on the TV and Tony was nudging Clint with his foot every time someone said Katniss.

Peter decided that with Tony and the teams help maybe he could get better with out the pills. May agreed and peter was moving into his own room in Stark towers.