So, there's this guy. This one, awfully great guy. This guy who makes me feel like the happiest and the saddest person all the time, my feelings basically depend on him. It's shit, really.

   We are classmates and I had always kind of had a crush on him but it was never a big thing until we bgan talking. We began talking on May of 2017 through viber. We loved the same artists and we had a blast talking about them. It felt really good.

   We became friends I guess, until I just had to share my stupid feelings. I really wanted to stop talking to him then but he still wanted to be friends and to be honest, I felt good and bad about it at the same time.

   We fought a bit. We stopped talking on June. I became so tired of how he made me feel, so tired of his oblivious behaviour. Such resentment.

   School just had to start, didn't it? I was glad that when I walked in that hellhole, I didn't have the same feelings for him anymore.

   There's this bizarre story. So, I didn't even think about him during summer. Honestly, I couldn't give less of a fuck. Even when school began. It was September. I was talking to my mother when suddenly I just thought about him. No reason at all, I just saw his face carved into my mind. I had the sudden urge to check my phone and he had texted me at that exact minute.

   After three months of not talking to him or thinking about him at all, eh?

   He asked me: "Are you mad at me?"

   Bitch please.

   But me being a universal idiot, I replied with an "No, of course not. Why?"

   Yeah, kill me.

   So out conversations commenced once again. It was going good. On a scale of 1-10, he told me I'm a 9,5 friend to him. I felt ecstatic with that. One thing that gave boundaries to our friendship was my gender. I'm a girl, he's a guy. We aren't allowed to go to each other's places or hang at school, right? At least that's what my paranoid sense told me.

   I hated it. I liked him again. It drove me crazy to look at him, because I longed to feel his fingertips caressing my cheek so badly, it killed me inside. We didn't even talk at school, and we talked online.

   So much for seeing each other 6-7 hours a day.

   I told him I liked him again, being the stupidest motherfucker this earth has ever met. It made things awkward again, and I talked to him again the next day. Fuck my feelings.

   Our friendship was going well. I tried to hard to talk to him at school, but I was too shy. He was also too much of a sheep to even look at me.

   And he met someone else.

   Fuck, I'm tearing up.

   He met a guy, who just meets his requirements quite nicely. They both like the same artists and are similar.

   That guy is one of the best people I know. He respects me and we have the same humour. We like the same artists and we watch the same youtube channels. We are both random as shit.

   But the guy I like,

   He replaced me with him.

   The male version of me.

   And I just can't help but think, it could have been so much more, couldn't it? He even ditched his old friends. For that one guy. Who could have been me.
 
   God I'm fucking crying like an idiot.

   Because I want to be that guy. I want the guy I like to keep me company whenever I walk to the classroom and I want him to look for me on every recess.

   I was just too shy, wasn't I? Too socially anxious, too socially awkward, too uninteresting, and dull.

   I'm not good enough.

   And this just takes me to whole other levels of not good enough. Why won't he like me? If I'm really such a great person, why won't he feel a thing?

   Am I not slim enough, not pretty enough, not blonde or blue-eyed enough?

   What was I to him? His clone that could keep him entertained?
   I'm so tired of his lies. So tired of taking his negative comments, because whenever I act like myself, I get the usual, "I thought you weren't the person that talked idiocy." Fuck that. Fuck him.

   I want to be alone. He just won't leave me alone. He won't stop texting me saying he's bored, or sending me Bowie songs. He just won't stop nagging me.

   The worst part is, I don't know what I want. Do I want to feel loved? Do I want to be his friend? Do I want to be a stranger to him? Or perhaps, do I wanna be the person he texts whenever something minor happens, telling me his thoughts on it and confiding in me without fear?

   He's publicly showing his new best friend. He's lending him Bowie cd's, and hanging with him all the time. He even has his name on his social media bio with the 'top' emoji at least three times. He won't even tell his other friends that I'm his close friend.

   'Cause I'm just that embarrassing.

   I cry because of him, I cut because of him, I laugh because of him and I'm tired of him.

   He makes me feel worn out. So much.

   I'm just jealous.
 
   It is so stupid to hurt yourself that much for one person, yet I'm fighting back my tears whenever I see them together. I'm just reminded of my unworthiness and I get stuck in an endless loop of:

Why me? -> selfish -> stupid -> deserves to die -> fuck -> Why me?

   He basically makes me want to kill myself. Every guy I've ever had feelings for has done that. I'm tired of being dependent on other people. So tired.