29
You stood in front of the elevator, awaiting it's arrival after what ended up being a very emotionally draining day.
The conversation you'd had with Phoebe had been at the forefront of your mind all day; you'd hardly been able to concentrate, having stumbled over names and dates on the phone multiple times, and even taking triple the time than usual to write even the simplest of emails.
Your lunch with Harry had luckily not happened since he had been called into a meeting last minute, and truth be told, you were kind of glad as you weren't sure you would've been able to face him after the revelation that came with your chat earlier in the day.
Finding out about Phoebe's late husband had shocked you to your core, she wasn't much older then you, and to have already been through such a heartbreaking situation at such a young age had been the kick up your ass that you had needed.
There was no reason to waste anymore time being apart from Harry when others, like Phoebe, had been so unlucky to lose their soulmates. The past two months had felt so empty and hopeless, so to finally have a little spark of emotion back was daunting yet exciting.
If the opportunity presented itself then you would tell Harry how you truly felt, how you were still completely and utterly in love with him, and how bleak life had been recently since you'd had that conversation the morning after you birthday.
Harry had just left his office and locked the door before he began the short walk to the elevators. Upon seeing you already standing there he paused.
You stood with your back to him, head lifted up slightly to the left as you watched the numbers on the elevator sign rise. Harry admired the soft fall of your hair down your back, the curve of your ass in the tight skirt you were wearing, the long line of your legs in those silky black tights and winter boots you often wore when it was cold.
Of course, he found everything about you incredibly sexy and beautiful, but today, as it did most days recently, it just made him sad. Truth was, he absolutely hated just being your friend. And he'd known from that conversation you'd had months ago that it wasn't what you'd wanted either. But always eager to please, he agreed, believing that maybe this was the best thing after all and that the universe just wasn't in his favour.
Harry began to walk again, trying to shake the miserable thoughts from his head - he couldn't dwell anymore, what was done was done.
"Hey."
You started slightly at the sound of his voice, as though you'd just been broken out of a deep thought. Oh how he hoped you were still feeling as downcast as he was, "Oh! Hey Harry."
"Glad I caught you before you left -"
"I wanted to -" you both spoke at the same time.
After an awkward laugh you gestured for Harry to continue, unable to quiet the pounding in your heart. Even though you had a new resolve to tell Harry your true feelings, you hadn't expected the opportunity to arise this soon.
"So you know the AMA's is coming up in a few weeks..." you drifted out slightly as Harry continued to ramble, seemingly a little nervously, about what the weekend would entail for the artists and how Harry had been invited along too. All you could think about though was the bickering going on in your own mind.
Should you just come out with your declaration now? You could feel it bubbling on the tip of your tongue as you stared at the love of your life in front of you. No-one was around so even if you got rejected it wouldn't be completely embarrassing, right? But oh god, what if Harry did reject you? That would break you all over again just like the day you saw Charlotte at his apartment, and you weren't sure if you or your friendship would survive that.
But...rejection was an outcome you'd much prefer than if you just stayed quiet and sat idly by while the man of your dreams was right there, and could be all yours if you just plucked up the courage. Twenty seconds of bravery and all that right?
You steeled yourself as you finally came to a concluding thought; you had to do it not only for yourself, but for Phoebe and her lost love.
Finally coming back into focus you caught the end of Harry's little ramble, "...so I was wondering if you wanted to come to the awards with me? Just as friends of course, I thought it would be a good opportunity for you if you were available?"
Your resolve evaporated like smoke and your heart sank to the bottom of your heeled boots at his words, just as friends of course.
It threw your whole inner monologue out of the window, crushing all of the tiny flame of hope that had only just found it's way back into your heart.
Harry stared at you in slight confusion as he watched a despair-filled expression pass across your lovely features. It was only fleeting but he had caught it. He began to open his mouth again to speak and apologise if he had crossed a line or something, but you spoke before he got the chance.
"Yes, that would be great, thanks Harry," your voice was level and controlled as the elevator came to your floor with a ding, "Oh, just remembered I forgot something at my desk, see you tomorrow?" You finished with a slight tremor to your voice.
Harry nodded, secretly seeing straight through your white lie, "Um, yeah okay, see you tomorrow."
He stepped into the elevator after giving you a long look, which you didn't meet, instead just staring down at the floor seemingly frozen to the spot. The doors began to close on the image of you standing there, holding your bright red coat over your arm looking as though you were about to break down and cry.
Just before the doors slipped closed Harry had to fight the urge to call out your name as he remembered you were going to say something to him as well. But it was too late as any words that were forming in his mouth were whisked away when you finally looked up at him, an unreadable expression on your face.
When the doors closed you finally allowed a tear to slip down your cheek. Harry had looked so painfully stricken as he had looked up at you with his hand curled at his mouth, eyebrows furrowed completely, green eyes dark, intense and cloudy.
Of course you'd not forgotten anything at your desk, you'd just used it as an excuse to not have to ride in the elevator with Harry as you weren't sure you would've been able to pretend everything was okay, when it most definitely wasn't.
◇
Harry slammed the door of his apartment shut behind him as he stalked into his entryway. He slung his coat and suit jacket from his body and threw them onto the kitchen island, not caring if they were left in a crumpled mess.
Running his hands through his hair in frustration, leaving the chestnut strands sticking out in odd directions, he paced the length of his living room.
Why had you looked so devastated when he left in the elevator? Surely it wasn't something he had said? He wracked his brain trying to think of what could have possibly led to that reaction but came up completely blank.
Fuck! Was it the mention of going as friends? He shook his head, surely that couldn't be it, as this is what you had both decided on! But then he thought back to the sad look that crossed your face when he'd catch you glancing at the empty flower vase on your desk, how you still wore the bracelet he got you for your birthday, how he sometimes caught you staring at him with the same look on your face as when he'd let you go.
Harry's mind was running in circles over thoughts of you and him, how even when he was confused and angry the taste of your lips was always on the tip of his tongue clouding his brain. He felt incredibly restless and wasn't sure what to do with himself as the shadows of what he'd lost haunted him day and night with so much pain.
And then it hit him - his journal.
He practically bolted to his bedroom to go and grab the leather-bound present that he held so dear to his heart. Harry hadn't written anything in a while, coming up blank nearly every time he wanted to vent his feelings onto paper. But today was completely different.
"The taste of your lips on the tip of my tongue..." he started to mumble under his breath as the words flowed out of him with no hesitation, "Is at the top of the list of the things I want, mind is running in circles of you and me...anyone...anyone in between is the enemy!"
Harry felt as though he'd hit the jackpot as the frustration fuelled the lyrics of his newest addition to his journal. It held all the aching of his broken heart, all the longing he still felt towards you, the feelings of wanting to know if you were afraid, if you were lost in the same lonely place he was. Because after all, where did broken hearts go?
Hours later Harry sat back, shirt rolled up to his elbows and a slight sheen of sweat on his brow as he admired the scruffy handwritten lines of his song, guitar leant up on his bedside table.
It perfectly summed up how he'd been feeling the last two months. That feeling of wanting to mend what was broken, wanting to know how you were, if you were sleeping with someone else or waking up alone, that constant ache of questioning...will you ever love him again?
He fell asleep that night feeling a little drained from his outburst of emotion. The past two months Harry had stayed quiet, keeping his true feelings pushed down out of the light in the hopes that if he did that, they would just miraculously disappear. But of course, that had not happened.
If anything, they'd only gotten worse as he battled constantly between just sitting back and accepting his fate, or stepping up and taking his fate into his own hands and admitting to you how he still felt so strongly towards you.
He fell asleep tangled up in his sheets, the journal still laid open beside him in the place you'd slept so long ago.
◇
That night he dreamt of his step-dad. Robin had passed away a few years ago now, but every now and then he would show up in Harry's dreams. It seemed there was a pattern to these dreams though, as his late second father would always crop up whenever Harry felt lost, or needed a sign to keep going.
But last night the dream had been slightly different; as usual the dream was some form of family setting in his childhood home back in England. Robin would return from wherever he'd been and come and join Anne, Gemma and Harry in whatever situation his subconscious had conjured up. However, something had stood out for Harry when Robin had walked in the front door - a bright red coat hung up on the hooks that lined the wall by the door.
Harry jolted awake, unable to believe what he'd just seen in his dreams. He always took these dreams as some sort of message, but the fact it had been a red coat there on the wall had shaken him to his core.
He called his sister instantly, as she was the only one who he confided these dreams with.
"Harry? Isn't it like four in the morning there?"
"Yes but Gem you wouldn't believe the dream I just had!"
On the other side of the phone, Gemma raised her eyebrows slightly upon hearing the eagerness in her younger brothers voice. He sounded like a kid again and she couldn't help the loving smile that spread across her face, "Must be a good one if I'm getting a call."
"It is! Promise I did wanna talk to you as well though," he reassured her jokingly.
She laughed and Harry grinned at the noise; it was one of his favourites, "Right come on you melon, tell me then."
"T'was the one I always have about Robin right, but when he came back into the house, there was a bright red coat hanging up!"
A moment of silence passed before Gemma spoke, "And this is huge news because?"
"Oh shit yeah, sorry," then he dived into the encounter he'd shared with you the previous evening at the elevator. Luckily Gemma already knew about the predicament you and Harry had ended up in, as he had called her teary-eyed and sniffly the night of your conversation after your chaotic birthday.
"So she had a bright red coat draped over her arm, and I can't help but feel as though it's some sort of sign that even though he's not here, Robin is telling me I need to sort my shit out because she's the one."
Gemma sniffled slightly over the phone, "Gems? What's the matter?" Harry exclaimed, worried he'd upset her by calling.
"Harry...I had such a similar dream before I married Michal, I won't go into it because I'll properly start crying, but it had Robin in it and something to do with a flat cap like the ones Michal wears."
Harry's eyes were completely wide in his head at hearing this, "Really?" He whispered.
"Yeah...Harry this means something and you know it."
"I know," his voice was still hushed as he spoke. He hadn't felt this sure of something, this put together in months, "I know what I need to do."
"Then go and do it little brother, I love you."
"I love you too Gems, thank you."
The siblings hung up then as Harry stared out of his window from his cosy bedsheets, seeing the bright colours of autumn in the city as if for the first time in weeks.
WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GOOOOOO
probs one of my fave 1D songs so I had to have it in there somewhere didn't I?!
so can we just talk about Harrys dream???? :'( like if u cri
(ofc it is all completely made up and just for the purpose of this fanfiction just as a reminder)
I cant tell you how excited I am for the next few chapters of this book, I really hope you guys love them as much as im enjoying writing them
so comment here if you want a double update next time woohooo!!!!
remember to keep voting, commenting and reading you lovely people, it means the world to me that you enjoy my writing <3
lots of love as always,
kait x
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