A/N - My apologies, I've not had a chance to read through the following update.  I lost a close family member a few days ago and my head's been all over the place.  For those who read my other stories - apologies again as I will not be updating them this week as they are only 70% finished.  Thanks, Chrissy x 

~ ~ ~ ~

Jaxon found Nathan in the kitchen preparing breakfast for Rayne. "Hey." He looked around. "Rayne in the bedroom?"

Nathan turned and flicked up his chin. "Yes, no change." For the past week, Rayne had not left their bedroom, only getting up to go to the bathroom and eat very little of the food that he and Jaxon had prepared.

Jaxon nodded. "Has she mentioned me?"

Nathan stopped chopping. "No."

Jaxon scrubbed his hand through his hair. "I can't stand this, Nate, it's killing me. I want to go back and kill the bastard and her fucking mother."

Nathan finished preparing the platter of fresh fruit and pastries that he hoped would tempt her to each more than a mere morsel. "You heard what De-Luca said. She needs time. Her past has collided with her present." He lifted the platter. "We have to be patient. She's hurting, but I know she will come back to us. We haven't lost her."

The good doctor had visited Rayne every day—a deep sense of guilt, and being partly responsible for allowing her file to drop into the hands of someone so cruel and malicious. In his own mind, he couldn't align Nicole with her actions. Or had he just been desperate to connect with someone... anyone, since losing his wife?

Jaxon wanted to punch him, too. But at least he was trying to make up for his fuck up, and wasn't he just as much to blame for her pushing him away? "She won't even look at me, Nate." If he could step back in time. He would tear up the file he found in Nicole's apartment - not read a single word.

He would never forget the look of anguish on her face... her eyes filling with unshed tears as she learned of his betrayal of her trust... he knew everything. Every sordid detail laid out bare. Her sin. Her guilt. Her shame.

Arriving home, she had withdrawn from him, refusing point blank to let him touch her... be near her.   "I don't think she'll ever trust me again." Jaxon pulled out a chair and slumped down.   He'd hated moving out from their bedroom, sleeping in his own apartment, until she was ready to talk to him.

Nathan placed the platter in front of Jaxon and rested a hand on his brother's shoulder. "She'll forgive you, Jax. She loves you. It's just going to—"

"—Time. I know."

Nathan picked up the platter. "I have to go in and see her. It's my first day back at work. You need to be here just in case she needs you."

"I'm not going anywhere."

Nathan stepped into the bedroom to find Rayne curled up in bed. She looked so small and fragile, reminding him of the time when they first met. Walking around the bed, he placed the platter down and gently pushed her hair behind her ear. "Sweetheart?"

Her eyes flickered open. "I've brought you some fruit and your favorite pastries. Will you sit up for me?"

Rayne hated the look in his eyes, pity... disappointment. Why couldn't she just put all this behind her and go back to how things were before?" She pushed the thought away and forced herself to sit up.

"May I sit?"

She nodded and shifted over to allow him some space. Nathan sat down and reached for a fresh strawberry. "Hmmm—you will love these. These are delicious." He offered her one, and she tentatively took it. "Good girl."

The praise in his gentle tone stirred something inside. She knew he was trying. Trying so hard to make her feel better and forget. Her thoughts shifted to Jaxon. She had been so cold towards him, unable to grasp her sweet and loving Jaxon, aware of the darkness that she hid inside. The shame of his knowing everything stole the air from her lungs. Did she disgust him? Did he wonder how she's let her own flesh and blood touch her?

"You remember I need to go into the office today?"

She had. "I won't be late." He offered her another piece of fruit as she returned his gesture with the briefest of smiles accepting it gratefully. "Dr De-Luca is due soon. Is there anything you need from me before I leave?"

"No, thank you Nathan. I'm tired—I just want to relax and then shower before he arrives."

He kissed the top of her head. "Okay, sweetheart." He sighed as he cradled her face. "I love you Rayne. Never forget that."

"I love you too." Nathan stilled. It was the first time she'd said those words since her return.

The smile on his face brought a warmth to her chest. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Shhh." He shook his head. "No apologies. You will get past this. You're strong Rayne, stronger than you realize."

Her lip trembled. "I don't mean to push you away... or Jaxon." She blinked back tears. "I know I'm hurting you both."

"No Rayne, you're not hurting us. I'm worried, and so is Jaxon." He paused. "We're both here for you."

She nodded. "I will speak to him." She didn't have a clue what she was going to say.

Nathan smiled. "Thank you, that pleases me." He leaned down and brushed his mouth against hers. Her lips quivered, but she didn't pull away. "Call me if you need me sweetheart, yes?"

"I will."

~ ~

Following showering and her session with Dr De-Luca, Rayne felt somewhat buoyant in her own skin. Dr De-Luca had once again been patient and kind. His words, wise and knowing. It was time to move forward. The past was exactly that. Her future was with the two people she loved most in the world.

And the first step to moving forward—Jaxon. She would ask him to return to their bed.

Jaxon hesitantly stood outside the bedroom. He raised his hand to knock, then lowered it... again. Dr De-Luca had left over half an hour ago and for the first time she wasn't crying following her therapy session.

Just knock and go in. He rubbed the back of his neck. Coward, do it. Opening the door, he stepped inside. "Rayne?"

Rayne turned and pushed herself to sit up a little. The tension thickened as her eyes found his "I'm awake, Jaxon, you can come in."

Jaxon's heart bashed against his ribcage. She'd said his name. He stepped further into the room, hoping she would say more. The oppressive weight on his chest eased. "Can I get you anything... Are you hungry?"

"No, thank you. I'm fine." She didn't look away.

He stood awkwardly; unsure what else he could say.

His uncertainty pricked her heart. She was hurting him, the evidence crystal clear from the dark circles under his brown eyes she loved so much. "Will you lie here with me, Jaxon... for a short time?"

His mouth dropped open. Finally, she was reaching out to him. "Yes, anything you need—" He was beside the bed in two strides. Toeing off his shoes, he watched her shuffle down the bed as he climbed on and lay next to her.

The warmth from his closeness blanketed her. She missed him. "I'm sorry for pushing you away. I-I—" she stuttered.

Jaxon shifted closer. "Hey, no... It's me who is sorry. I was in the wrong. I should have been patient, followed Nate's example."

She could always trust Nathan to do the right thing. Her rock. Her anchor. "I didn't want you to see my darkness. You're my light, Jaxon, the person who shields me from my shame." She inhaled a steadying breath. "I want to move past it. I need you, Jaxon."

"You have nothing to be ashamed of and you've got me, Rayne, always. I'm not going anywhere." Nathan was right, they could move past this. "May I hold you, little one?"

Little one... Rayne's heart skipped a beat.

Jaxon inhaled the familiar scent of Rayne as he kissed her head. "I love you so much Rayne." His hand slipped over her waist and pulled her even closer, never wanting to let go.

They remained that way until Rayne turned her head to face him.

Jaxon ran a finger across her cheek, his eyes dropping to her full lips. She still looked pained... sad. It tore strips from his heart and his chest tightened. "What can I do to make it right?" He wasn't only referring to the file. He wanted to wash away every painful memory.

Her mother's cruel words taunted her. The filth. The pain... A dull ache that held her hostage. "I just want it all out of me. Gone."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to feel it anymore... only feel—" She moved swiftly, pressing her lips to his.

Jaxon's heart exploded as his hand slipped behind her head and deepened the kiss. Pulling back. "Goddamn, I've missed you." He kissed her again but with slower movements, soft caresses of her tongue, savoring the delicate curling of her tongue on his. He shifted, his body fitting over hers in a protective shield.

Raye welcomed the weight of his bulking form. She needed this—needed him. Her small hands traced up his arms, gripping his shoulders. "More..." she whispered against his lips.

Stilling. "More?" he asked, his jaw locking tight as pulling back to look at her. Her eyes pleaded for him to understand.

"Yes. I need to feel you Jaxon, I need to feel something other than my past. I don't want to think. Only be here with you."

It felt wrong somehow, but he wouldn't deny her any request. "Are you sure, little one?"

She nodded, her breathing ever-increasing in anticipation.

Jaxon pushed up from the bed, stripping from his clothes faster than his mind could keep up. "Get undressed." The urgency of her gaze running over his body fueled his race to give her what she needed, as his impressively thick erection twitched under her stare.

Rayne sat up, yanking her top from her body, wearing no bra. Her nipples stood peaked. Black lacy panties were quickly discarded and dropped to the floor. "I don't want gentle Jaxon." There was a surety in her words.

He paused for a fraction of a second, his gaze tracing over the curves of her face before stopping on her lips. He'd wanted to make love to her with tender ease, worship every inch of her body. But her eyes showed him a different need. "You're asking me to fuck you, little one?"

No words passed between her parted lips. One nod as she held out her hand to him.

Fingers touching, his world tilted on its axis, and everything came crashing down in a beautiful, frenzied disarray. He pulled her up towards his chest. His mouth slammed over hers, devouring and demanding as he curled her into his body before lowering them both to the bed. "I don't want to hurt you."

She didn't reply as her hands explored his hot flesh burning against her the coolness of her hands.

Every time their lips separated; she came back at him twice as hard.

"Tell me to stop and I will Rayne."

She didn't want him to stop. The room felt a thousand degrees hotter, and the needle was rising with each touch.

His knees tapped at the space between her own and legs shifted apart. His palm crushed her breast.

"Please Jaxon." Desperate cries.

He positioned himself, pushing his cock between her slick folds and with no warning, he filled her in one swift thrust to feel her tense and gasp.

"Oh, God. Yes." Her eyes opened to meet him as sheer concentration was etched on his expression.

He withdrew slightly and pushed in again, deeper, as her fingers dug into his shoulders. His pace was set from the start, deep, hard thrusts as his hips slammed into hers. The intensity building, as did the ache inside her.

Short, hurried swallows of air left on each moan, and Jaxon was unsure how much longer he could keep up this pace.

"Harder Jaxon, please... harder."

He stilled as her eyes went wide. This would need a change of position. "Up against the wall. He rolled from her as she needed no further instruction as she obeyed, planting her palms flat against the cool wall.

Jaxon took hold of his cock, squeezing gently to slow his impending orgasm, breathing deeply. "Spread your legs wide little one."

Rayne complied, her chest heaving as she glanced over her shoulder at him.

Jaxon swallowed as he moved to stand right behind her. He hesitated. He didn't do rough; it wasn't him. That was Nathan.

"Please Jaxon," she breathed.

He wrapped his hand in her loose curls, pulling her head back, forcing her back to arch. "I will fuck you hard. Tell me to stop Rayne."

"No... I can't... won't I need this—please."

She sucked in a breath as he thrust his thick cock deep inside, so deep so rose to her tiptoes, crying out his name. One hand travelled up her stomach, pulling hard at her small waist, and he thrust over and over. Groping her breast, his lips ran down her neck, biting into her shoulder as his other hand lowered to squeeze the flesh of her thighs.

Jaxon had never taken her so roughly before, she felt possessed, wanted.  He fucked her without reserve or apology, every emotion exposed.

Rayne's cries became louder. Her mind wouldn't stop untangling like a ball of yarn. Her mother's words taunted her. "I need to feel you Jaxon, make it stop."

He didn't understand as his body broke into a sweat. What else could he do? It left him with only one more choice. He raised his hand and brought it down on her ass. Needles sliced through his palms As Rayne screamed out.

"Oh. God. Yes. Again." The pain brought clarity. Clarity would bring release. "Again."

He smacked her ass again, harder, as she gasped.

Jaxon's mind was torn. Whilst he enjoyed the feel of his palm slapping her ass in the erotic sense, the distribution of pain strictly for pain did not appeal. He didn't want to hurt her.

On the sixth slap of his hand he gripped her hips and fucked her recklessly. His ragged breath filled her ear as his muscle-bound body flexed. He couldn't hold it in any longer. He threw his head back. "Fuuuk..." He cried as his orgasm took over, pleasure erupted on his face as his eyes slammed shut, ecstasy coursing through him.

He slowed as his forehead rested against her head, his breathing thick and heavy as her damp hair tickled his face. Rayne shivered as she tensed around his throbbing cock, milking him dry, her breaths unsteady.

He knew she hadn't had her release.

"I need you to carry on," she whispered.

"I'm gonna need a little time." He lifted his head, licking his dry lips. "Let's get back on the bed. Let me make you feel good."

Raye shook her head. "No, spank me again, harder this time."

Fuck, he could spank her in the throes of passion, but not like that. "Rayne, let me take care of you. Make you feel good my way."

His softening cock slipped from her, and he stepped back, reaching for her elbow to turn her. Sucking in a breath, his heart squeezed... stormy grey eyes brimmed with tears. Fuck, he hadn't wanted to upset her, make her cry.

Fuck, he couldn't do this.

"Don't stop... you can't stop now... please, Jaxon." Fractured emotions spiralled through her mind.

He had done as she wanted, fucked her hard. Spanked her—but it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. "I can't Rayne. I can't hurt you. Please don't ask me too."

Tears stung her eyes as cold crashed over her, sucking every last molecule of warmth. He couldn't stop now—not leave her like this. "Don't... please." She pleaded; "I feel it here." She pressed her hand flat on her stomach. Her other hand pressed to her temple. "And here. I can't get it out."

Jaxon shook his head. As Rayne turned around, her shame pressing heavy on her chest as she placed her hands back on the wall to steady herself.

Jaxon looked down at the handprint on her ass and his come slipping down her inside thigh. Swallowing roughly, perspiration gathered—not from exertion but the emotional wrenching feeling spreading through his gut. He loved her. They did not build him to hurt. "Rayne —"

"Go—just go." She slipped to her knees, trembling. Her hands remained flat against the wall.

Jaxon fought an internal battle. Fuck! Naked, he left the room and found his phone. Three rings, the familiar voice announced himself. "I've fucked up Nate."

"What's the matter?" asked Nathan as he nodded towards his father and stepped out of his office.

"I did something, and now I—" he stalled, rubbing his creased brow.

Nathan could hear the pain in his brother's tone. "Is Rayne, Okay?" Jaxon didn't answer. "Is. Rayne. Okay?" he repeated.

"I-I don't know." He yelled out, his chest aching, his mistake magnified by a hundred in his head. "You need to come home. Now!"

"Be there in thirty." Nathan ended the call.

~ ~

Jaxon paced outside the bedroom door. Her cries had quietened as he stilled and reached for the door handle more than once but stopped himself each time. He'd made this worse. She had wanted something he couldn't give. His head shot up as he heard the apartment door open.

Nathan threw his suit jacket onto the chair, yanking at his tie. "What the fuck happened. Where is Rayne?"

"In the bedroom." He held up his hands, stopping Nathan from moving past him. "I'm worried Nate. I think she needs to go into hospital. She needs more help than you and I can give her."

"What the hell happened? She seemed stronger when I left this morning and she texted me to say the session went well with De-Luca." He noticed Jaxon only wore his joggers, no top and bare-footed. "Jaxon?"

Jaxon's eyes dropped to the floor. "She asked me to hurt her."

"How?"

"Nothing I did was enough." He threw his hands in the air. "I can't hurt her, not like that."

Nathan understood as he sighed and rubbed his chin. "I've spoken to De-Luca about this. He called it Ego Dystonic, part of her OCD. She is at odds with her idealized self-image. The shame she feels is not in line with what she rationally believes. She needs an outlet. Hence the self-harming behaviors."

Jaxon shook his head. "You mean like some kind of masochist?"

"No. Different as in separate. If she was asking you to hurt her, it was to remove the pain she feels from what happened."

Jaxon paced. Both hands ran through his head. "You need to help her, Nate."

Nathan agreed.

Leaving Jaxon, he found Rayne huddled in the shower, head down. Sliding the door, he noticed there was no steam in the room as he tested the water. Fuck, it was freezing cold. Hitting the off button, he grabbed a towel before stepping inside. "Sweetheart." Her body was freezing cold.

Rayne lifted her head. "Nathan." She let him pull her forward and wrap the towel around her.

"I-I-I'm—sorry." Her teeth chattered.

He lifted her from the floor and walked back through to their bedroom, sitting down with her tightly wrapped in his arms as she nuzzled into his warm body.

"Shhh. It's okay my sweet, sweet girl." He kissed her crown. "I'm here. Let me take care of you."