"Payaliya!" Khushi halted on her tracks, her fingers still over a flowery pillow. She could hear her parents fussing over Payal and calling for Khushi in the background, but nothing reached to Khushi's ears.

This was the pillow Arnav had slept on when he was over her house.

Her fingers curled into the soft fabric, brushing against the cloth as if to grab the few sweet essences of her husband. A barely there smile lit her face as she remembered when she had woken up, intimately entangled with him the morning after he stopped by.

She had known. Yet, it secretly thrilled and bothered her to be so close to him.

But then, the harsh reminder of the loan and need to forcefully get back to his house poured water on her fragile dream. Blinking the sudden tears aside, Khushi dug her face into the softness and cried softly, making sure that none of her family members could hear her.

"Why Arnavji... Why?"

---

"Why Chote.... Why?" Arnav looked up, unable to bear the accusation in his sister's eyes. But being the woman Anjali was, she collected the broken pieces of her brother and held him dear... waiting for him to heal, even a little bit.

As Arnav flung his arms around his sister, biting his sobs against her shoulder, Anjali patted his shaking back and repeated her question. Arnav broke the hug and pressed his hands against his temples. Anjali cupped his cheek and looked into his eyes while Arnav rasped out "For you, Di."

Scalded by his comment, Anjali retreated and stared at him in confusion. "What?! Me... wh..." Anjali found herself at a loss of words. Eyeing the discarded legal file, she put her head in her hands and uttered her oath "You still believe it... don't you?"

Arnav frowned and looked at his tired sister, suddenly aged beyond her years of thirty two. "You believe that you're ill fated so you did this out of... fear." Anjali showed her palm and stopped him from speaking further. "No, don't say anything Ch... Arnav. I don't have it in me. After years of trying to bring you up and love you more than anything... you still believed that I would leave you one day? Or that I would also believe you to be the reason for our losses? Why! Hadn't I..." Anjali broke off to suppress a sob and stood up, fixing the creases in her saree.

"Di I..." Anjali melted at her brother's state and caressed his head like a child "Shush, it's not your fault..." Arnav could feel he could breathe when Anjali lifted the burden of accusations from his shoulder. How could he explain that what she said was true... but that the fear gnawed him day and night? He could do anything for his sister.

Anything.

"It's all my fault. You were never wrong, you are never wrong because Arnav Singh Raizada can never be at fault. He's the perfect one, the righteous one." Anjali spoke, in a trance. Arnav looked on, horrified as his own sister distanced from him. "Di..."

"Arnav, why are you looking guilty? You're absolutely right... it's me who is faulted. Everything is my fault because I am so terribly flawed. And it makes all the more sense and thank you... thank you so much." Anjali smiled, though tears threatened to roll down her cheeks.

Prying her fingers apart from Arnav's, she walked towards his door and paused to look at him, shattered. "Don't cry Arnav. If whatever Akash said about your marriage to be true then it is not your fault at all. It's just now I realise... that even after giving every value and upbringing you ended up like this."

Anjali leaned weakly against the doorframe, the monstrosity of her brother' actions falling heavy on her. Never a day before did her leg feel further handicapped. "I could barely raise you... no wonder my own baby died, no wonder. I was never meant to be a mother." Arnav let out a sharp breath as he looked at his crestfallen sister.

Without another word, she hobbled out of his room... her choked sobs ringing in Arnav's ears.

Just one decision.

In spite of everything Arnav had done to punish Shyam and set everything "right"... today Shyam was the true victor, even if he was rotting in jail. He had broken the pillars of the Raizada household.

And the best part, Shyam didn't even have to do anything himself.

---

"So how's your life going Payaliya? Akash must be a doting husband." Madhumati chuckled as she helped her niece onto bed, urging her to drink a glass of turmeric, saffron milk. Khushi colored at her Buaji's voice and grasped the pillow and other blankets, snapping out of her reverie.

"And our Sanka Devi (Mad Goddess) is in her own world! Since when am I screaming for a blanket but this one is simply staring at a pillow as if Salman Khan's picture is stapled on it!" Khushi shook her head and put up a smile while piling the blankets and pillow on their bed.

"Salman Khan? Poor Arnav, till now he falls pale next to your cinematic hero?" Khushi allowed herself to be amused and teased as Madhumati gushed about them, the lovebirds that she touts them as. "Buaji, I have a question that only an intelligent woman like you can answer." Madhumati's eyes went round at the praise and she sat next to Khushi, waiting.

"By only saying Akash ji, Payal ji, Payal ji, Akash ji... how did they manage to have a baby so fast?" Khushi put up a puppy face as a flustered Payal hit her with a pillow. "You devil! Buaji, dekho na!" Payal whined while Madhumati held her head and muttered "Haye Re Nandkisore!"

Giggling at Madhumati's embarrassment, Khushi did a little jig and returned to setting up her bed. "Jiji," Khushi paused to take the flowery pillow from Payal's hands "I'll take this, you take that one." The little intelligent smirk on Payal's face remained and Khushi groaned, knowing that Payal had caught on to the reason for Khushi's attachment with the pillow.

"Don't even start!" Khushi mock threatened while Payal burst into peals of laughter, patting her swollen belly. Ah, it had been days since the sisters laughed so gaily. "Sankadevi lost in Laad Governor's dreams! To be honest, what a jodi you both are... made for each other!" Payal suppressed the pang in her own heart on not having a passionate, protective lover yet, as long as her little sister was happy with Arnav - it was worth everything.

Khushi's smile froze on her face but it tactfully remained, her hand reached her sister's "You are more lucky Jiji... much more lucky to have a soft, caring and loving husband in the form of Jiju." The smile still remained on Khushi's face, now was not the time to bear the pain and dwell on her scars. As long as her Jiji was happy, it was worth it.

Suddenly their laughs sounded forced, mechanical. The sisters stared into each other's eyes, the muscles around their mouths stretched smilingly but their eyes telling a different story. A story each sister had learnt to read. With the haunted smile still hanging on their lips, tears welled up their eyes as they were befriended with the other's agony.

"Why Jiji... you both were..."

"When there's no wind... the air's too stagnant, too stale to breathe." Payal confessed, her hand mindlessly stroking her stomach. Akash had never been the one to express but his prominent absence during her pregnancy hurt Payal the most.

The dedication to his mother, a quality she had admired, now sat like a sore thorn for her mother in law was barely sympathetic towards Payal, in spite of her being heavily pregnant. And Akash had forsaken the responsibility for his actions because he was ashamed of the rushed wedding of his brother, and somewhat accepted the hostility against Payal - without any crime of hers.

It was a long time ago but Payal still remembered when Akash would stop to gently caress the thread holding her blouse, tugging a shy Payal into his arms when he would come back from office. But his mother would call him for an unnecessary reason, and Akash would leave her... did he not know that Payal lived for these stolen moments?

The memories were faint but Payal still felt the tingle in her veins when Akash would treasure yet love her like a man possessed. It was as if someone else had diffused into Akash when he held her in the most intimate manner - unrelenting, demanding yet understanding.

Till date Payal could never understand why Akash would hold on to her and tell her that she's the only one in his life. Clearly his mother and elder cousin were more. But the myriad of emotions in his eyes as he took refuge in the crook of her bare neck made Payal think, time and again.

Khushi had the wisdom to remain silent, looking at her wistful sister who looked at nothingness. Turning towards her beloved Goddess, Khushi questioned justice. From sacrificing her own dreams to going to the dead end to see her sister happy... why hadn't Payal achieved bliss? Akash had promised to love Payal beyond anything! Why, wasn't he the one to sneak into their house to see Payal at midnight or make promises for seven lives? What happened to him?

Akash being spineless was a fact Khushi couldn't digest. Even if she openly told Arnav so. Akash was a man of reason, not a man of instinct. Eyeing her sister with growing concern, she gently side hugged Payal, pulling her out of her train of thoughts.

"How much does a gust of wind cost?" Payal asked, feeling too tired to not divulge the truth of her marriage to a concerned Khushi. Yet Payal cursed herself as Khushi stiffened, a tear rolling down her cheek. "Jiji, when the wind blows beyond measure... it's so strong that you can't catch a breath. There's air all around you, yet you remain gasping for that one breath." Khushi confessed, her heart feeling lighter as she took solace in her sister's arms.

Blinking back her tears rapidly, Khushi sat up straight and smiled briefly "I am so sorry Jiji. Don't worry there's nothing wrong between me and Arn..." "Why? Why do we need to hide Khushi? If there's happiness, it's there. If there's sadness, it's there. I am tired of the pretense... I am..."

As Khushi watched Payal, her pillar of strength, break into cries; an overwhelmed Khushi shattered and felt her delicate facade crumble. Neither knew the reason for their turbulent marriages but having finally gotten rid of the lies, an exhausted Payal vented her frustrations while a guilty Khushi looked on.

Having overcome her own loss as always, Khushi stepped into the role of a mother and calmed Payal "The problem is not with Jiju. I can swear that you mean the world for him. It's... he'll come round that one day Jiji, trust me." Payal felt loneliness claw her as she didn't find her husband next to her when she needed him the most. Nothing mattered, she just needed to be pampered by her husband. As simple as that.

Fatigue wearing Payal out, she gave a soft smile to Khushi before slipping into a dreamless sleep. Khushi was the wiser one... if she said so then perhaps Akash would finally look up to his own wife. The hope ignited positivity in Payal and just as always, a smile crept up on her face.

However, sleep was miles away from Khushi.

Payal's turbulent marriage broke her little remaining strength, but Khushi wasn't surprised. Somewhere down the line, the first three months of her faux marriage with Arnav convinced her to be mistrusting of people and relationships. It just hurt her that her sister had to suffer.

Pausing to pat her sister's head, Khushi was grateful that her mother was too caught up with her own past and Payal's pregnancy to question Khushi about the entire phone call - she didn't have the guts to open up any further.

As she curled into Arnav's pillow, she couldn't help but remember her most joyous moments of life.

The reverence in his eyes as he worshipped her through his body and soul. His acceptance that he wasn't worth anything, especially not her. Confessing his love to her, no matter how twisted it seemed. He wanted her, made her feel like a woman to be desired. The Karva Chauth...

Sleep crawled into Khushi's eyes as she envisioned the gentle Arnav, her husband, wrapping his arm around her soft waist. So accustomed she was to him that she yanked onto the pillow tighter, believing that it was her husband underneath, with his arms cocooning her in his shell.

No words ever came out of the imaginary Arnav.

For Khushi's had the best conversations with him when they were silent.

"Oh Arnav..." she sobbed softly, into the pillow.

---

"Khushi..." Arnav flickered his eyes open, he didn't realise when the day had slipped by to bring another. His fingers blindly reached for a tablet as a massive headache and blackouts followed. Having composed himself, he got up from his bed and looked at his office clothes.

It had been a day since he had left the room.

Rubbing his tired eyes and stretching his sore muscles, he headed towards the washroom and looked at his reflection. Disheveled hair, uneven stubble, bloodshot eyes. This was not Arnav Singh...

"Agh!" Arnav yelled and gnashed his teeth on his need to be perfect, his need to be Arnav Singh Raizada. He was destroyed... destroyed with his Khushi - literally. And he had done it all. Picking up a glass container, he smashed it against the mirror, feeling little relief that he won't look at the person he despised the most.

Walking out of the bathroom, he turned helplessly when he heard someone downstairs. A strange anticipation filled his heart and he almost stumbled as he ran downstairs "Arnav, careful!" Sheetal grabbed his arm with declared possession and stepped back, checking him.

Instinctively Arnav stepped back, no one... no one touched him so closely apart from his family or wife. "Where were you! I was trying to call you since yesterday and even Aarav was so tensed about you. He barely ate anything and was about to faint..."

Arnav looked down at the little boy who stared back at him with large, chocolate eyes. "Faint? Why?" Sheetal knotted her fingers and put it out hesitantly "He has di... forget it..."

Arnav growled in impatience and found himself yelling at her "Just say whatever's in your mouth because right now I am very pissed off and I do not have any time for you or your son..." Arnav frowned as Aarav flinched at his tone and knotted his small fingers in worry.

Sheetal gulped in nervousness at Arnav's behavior, she had certainly not expected this. "He has diabetes."

"So? It's not difficult to manage diabetes Sheetal. You should have made sure Aarav has food timely or hire a nanny, my company pays you well enough! Now it will be good if you both leave as I have not time for further chit chat." Arnav closed his eyes and rest on the sofa, yelling to Hariprakash for a cup of black coffee.

"I'll get it for y..." As Sheetal skipped off to the kitchen with the ease and air of familiarity, he frowned. Somehow the absence of Khushi made him attuned to his other senses - logic, to be precise. Little Aarav climbed next to Arnav and tugged at Arnav's cufflinks gently "You don't look well... is it because of me? I know you hate me but I love you, just give me a chance and I'll be the best boy. Please Pap..."

"AARAV!" Sheetal bellowed and dragged Aarav off the sofa "You weren't supposed to say this now, he's not in the right mood! Didn't I tell you when..." Arnav, too fazed by the recent events, stood up from the sofa, bending to Aarav's level.

"AARAV, dare you..." Sheetal began to shout at the little boy.

"Shut up Sheetal!" Arnav snapped, frightening Sheetal out of her wits.

"Aarav beta, you are a lovely child... ok. Get that straight." Arnav half smiled as Aarav gave him a toothy grin, nodding his little head. Easing himself on the floor, Arnav gently held the child's arms and asked "You said about me being your Papa, who said that?" Aarav fumbled at Arnav's question as Sheetal shot him a threatening glare.

"SHEETAL does not make a difference. Tell me the entire truth beta." Aarav began to cry out of fear while Arnav closed his eyes and took the little boy in his arms.

"You have fu***ng five minutes to explain and before you do anything," Arnav paused to remove his cell "Aman, send in cops for identity theft and fraud along with my lawyer ASAP." Arnav barked and looked at a rapidly paling Sheetal.

"How dare you disrespec..."

"I don't have time Sheetal. Your son tells me that I am his father when I never slept with you. Agreed we made out at New Year's Party but I was sane enough to know what I was doing. In fact I even remember what clothes I was wearing that night." Sheetal sweated at the questions and walked forward to grab Aarav when HP and OP stopped her, on Arnav's instructions.

"I run a fu***ng five billion dollar company Sheetal. I don't have peanuts in place of brains. And looking at you," Arnav paused to assess Sheetal's svelte figure in the tight wrap dress "I doubt if Aarav is even your own child!"

"Legally you won't be allowed..." Sheetal shut off as Arnav rolled his eyes "This is India. Everything happens according to ASR." Arnav paused to push his hair back and looked at the scenario.

It was just so simple.

Even a blind man would have understood what Sheetal was trying to do, yet he blamed Khushi for thinking low. Closing his eyes, Arnav led out a deep breath and turned towards Sheetal, half smiling as Aman jogged into the Raizada house along with a few officials.

"Aman, please." Arnav gestured as Aman nodded and signaled a few officers to take a screaming Sheetal away. "Sir, a background check on Sheetal verified everything you said. Also, Aarav was a part of Safe Haven Orphanage in Dehradun. Added to that..."

"Aman ji?" Anjali hobbled down the stairs, perplexed as a few officers held on to Sheetal while a confused and scared Aarav made his way towards Anjali, wrapping his tiny arms around her waist.

"An.. and... I mean..." Aman found himself at a loss of words as Anjali almost ran towards him, her hair flying slightly, caressing her soft face. Holding Aarav's hand, Anjali subconsciously touched Aman's shoulder as she looked around rapidly.

"What's happening? Why is Arnav quiet?" Anjali pointed to an exhausted Arnav while Aman looked at her, his eyes widening slightly.

Arnav? Didn't Anjali always call him Chote? What happened?

"Anjali ji just see what," Sheetal wailed.

"I didn't ask you at the moment." Anjali snapped and Sheetal looked on, gobsmacked by Anjali's demeanour.

"Nothing much Anj... Miss. Raizada. Aarav was never Sheetal's son and Sheetal intended to squeeze money out of Arnav by filing paternity case. Unfortunately for her, sir smelled her out and thus I am here with the officers to take her away. Aarav was forced to think that sir is a father who hated his own son." Anjali's eyebrows knit in confusion, shock then rage as she heard further about Sheetal's clever manipulation with Aarav to convince the entire family about her little ploy.

Disgusted by her actions, Anjali snarled at Sheetal but kept her cool and looked at the little boy around her waist. Cupping his cheek tenderly, Anjali coaxed out the truth from a scared Aarav who sought refuge in Anjali's arms.

"Aman ji, just one favor. Can I," Anjali paused to shake her head and looked at Aarav watching her, wide eyed. "Beta, can I be your m..." Aarav held Anjali's cheeks, his eyes brimming with tears as he looked at the family member who loved him the most, ever since he came.

"Maa?" He croaked out while Anjali took him into a tight hug, the emptiness in her womb replaced with eternal joy. "I'll get the papers done Miss. Raizada." Aman smiled as Anjali gave him a grateful nod.

Yet Aman was not a fool to have missed the complete absence of a conversation between Anjali and Arnav. His sir sat there, a sad smile on his face as he watched Anjali and Aarav while Anjali evidently ignored him.

"Aman ji, please do get a child counselor for me. I doubt if I can be a good mother to Aarav on my own."

"Di!" Arnav stood up, scalded by her comment while Anjali swiftly turned around and led Aarav to the dining room. Swallowing tightly, Arnav stiffened at the presence of others and balled his fists. "Aman get a..."

"Everything will be done sir, Sheetal will not be able to disturb you any further and I'll make sure that necessary steps are taken. You should... take rest." Aman nodded slightly while Arnav sighed, watching as Sheetal was dragged away.

"There's a huge difference between peace and rest Aman." Arnav muttered, aimlessly. "Why, why could I not see this ploy?" Arnav reached towards his cold black coffee, the bitterness seeping down his throat.

"Why you could not does not make a difference, as much as to why you now, can." Arnav looked aside briefly as Aman gently patted his shoulder and walked out. Had Arnav been much more attuned to sensing other people's gaze and gestures, he would have realised that Aman looked on to Anjali for much more than necessary.

---

"I'm sorry Khushi... I..." I stopped as she gently shushed me, her cheeks flushed rouge, her eyes glazed with desire.

"I trust you." Her warm breath fanned over my lips, my own parted in response as I leaned in, uttering a soft moan as her fingers threaded into my hair.

I couldn't get enough of her, touching her everywhere. My precious, she was much more than I deserved, much more.

As I gently snuggled into her bare form, her heart pounding in my ears... I broke down. There was so much more to do, so much more to say, so much more to express. Nothing, nothing could amass what I wanted for Khushi.

Propping myself on my arm, immediately hating the absence of her soft, pliant skin under my cheek, I looked into her dreamy face. My body shook from the need to cry out in joy, one that I was never acquainted with. For the first time I felt wanted, desired, cherished, treasured and above all loved for no selfish reason. Khushi did not have to love me, did not have to give me her most treasured self.

As she cuddled closer to me, her taekwondo poses long replaced by soft, shy embraces, I pause to gather her in my arms and whisper sweet nothings into her hair. Things that I could never say.

She only hummed in delight while I kept on uttering how much she meant for me.

"I love you Khushi, I love you..."

"I do..." Arnav found himself whispering to the winds, sitting by the edge of the pool. It was cold, the wind rattled his bones yet he felt the strange urge to sit in the garden, in a thin t shirt and pants.

Helplessly, he looked up at the skies, but the stars had abandoned him. He couldn't help but recall when he kept his newly wedded wife outside. A mirthless chuckle left his mouth when he thought he was forgiven but how was that possible when he himself couldn't forget his own atrocities?

Why, wasn't it yesterday, with him standing against the window and yelling that he hated her?

A chatter left his mouth as the wind blew mercilessly.

Khushi's forgiveness meant that these moments ceased to exist, yet a look at their state and Arnav couldn't help but recall each and every moment when he destroyed her. To top it up, he pushed all the blame on her.

How could he do this?

Akash's disappointment, Anjali's avoidance and Khushi's cries still rang in his ears. A sudden need to huddle up into a ball rose in Arnav. Somewhere where no one would see him. The pearl necklace was twisted painfully around his fingers, her maa's anklets way too heavy in his pockets.

"Don't." He whispered as Khushi began to unclasp the necklace. "Then?" She asked, arching slightly as he caressed the skin under the thread of her blouse.

"Keep them on." His lips rubbed against the shell of her ears as Khushi sighed and rested against her husband, a soft mewl escaping her lips as he tugged her sari off.

"I love you..." He carried his wife in his arms as she looked at him with a strange longing. Tightening the grip on his collar she replied "I miss you."

No, he couldn't let her go. Yes, he was an emotionally weak and abusive husband who sought to vent out his own frustrations on his wife but, he would try to make this work. There was a point where she missed him, loved him. He would get that back.

Even if it seemed impossible.

Lying on floor, Arnav caressed the ground slightly, his resolve growing steadily.

The suffocation of his actions seemed too severe to digest. He was a man he would never want his own sister or daughter to have, yet he was selfish enough to be with Khushi.

Everything was wrong. The marriage, his actions, his words, his deeds.

Everything was wrong, due to him.

If only Khushi had erred as well.

If only Khushi was the wrong one.

If only Khushi had been as flawed as him.

If only he could hate her, as much as he hated himself.

"I wish I could hate you..."

---

"Khushi!" Arnav wrapped an arm around Khushi's waist to be pushed away, "Arnav! What if someone came?" "What the!" Arnav growled and stormed away to his room while Khushi sighed.

"Khushi, at times be a wife more than a daughter in law..." Anjali nudged Khushi slightly to her room and giggled as Khushi contemplated of pacifying her husband.

"Go go, no one will miss you here. Also," Anjali paused to whisper in Khushi's ears who turned as red as a beetroot. "Di!"

"Don't Di me, it's impossible for your Laad Governor to not melt!" Khushi ran up the stairs, blushing profusely but deciding to act on what Anjali said.

Mustering slight courage, Khushi entered her room and locked it, her husband raising an eyebrow at her.

"I never meant no Arnav ji, what I meant was that... if something should be done, then at the confines of our room." An embarrassed Khushi looked at her feet while Arnav stifled a chuckle at her subtle hint.

"Khushi, I am not at all upset that you refused me!" He tried to calm his wife while she looked at him, round eyed. "What! That means for no use I was trying to come here, talk sweet and kiss you! Such a waste of time and sheer embarrassment for me. Hey Devi Maiyya!" Arnav's eyes popped out at her ramblings and he promptly stood up, pinning his wife gently to the wall.

"Arr... rrnn..."

"Arnav. So, what were you saying?" Arnav brushed his nose against hers while Khushi gulped, unintentionally clutching her husband's shirt. "I..." She broke off as his phone rang. Placing a swift kiss on her lips, he bent to take the call,

"Not over yet Mrs. Raizada." He grinned while a jumpy Khushi yelled Hey Devi Maiyya all the way.

Later that night Arnav did have his 'way' with her. To think of it, the physical aspect had been one of the strongest elements in their relationship. They would yell, fight, insult, ignore but they could not stay away from each other.

No matter what, every night Khushi would find herself against the bed with Arnav holding on to her.

Those stolen moments of passion now seemed revolting for Khushi.

Sitting up from her bed, Khushi tucked the pillow under her arm and stared at the moonless night. How could passion not give rise to respect? It was a consensual act, need yet, he never shuddered from putting her low.

Enough, was enough. Khushi could no longer live in the fear of being insulted or belittled by him or his society. It was not that she didn't love him, she lived and breathed him, but love was not enough.

Love was never enough.

Trust

Patience

Respect

Friendship

Humor

Communication

Transparency

Khushi felt her heart hitch as she assessed their relationship. In fact she would have given up all the 'norms' for a healthy relationship but the truth was she was hurting, hurting beyond repair. Exhausted in search for pride in his eyes, gentility in his touch and understanding in his eyes.

'I understand you' was never said. And under the pressure and negligence of Arnav, days over days, months after months... she didn't have it in her to love him further. Especially when he had given her a painful teaser of what could have been a love too good to be true.

The few days before her sister's marriage.

Feeling numbness wash over her, she blankly stared at his number vibrating on her cellphone.

If only she could love him, as much as he promised to love her.

"I wish I could love you" 

----