S I E N N A ' S   P O V

The days pass by in an achingly slow pace. I go through the motions of my daily routine for the summer—wake up, head to UF gym to train some newbies, hang out with Braydon and Trevor, come back home and crash on my bed.

Sometimes, when I'm not all that exhausted, I chill on the couch with Beth and binge-watch Netflix shows but lately she's been out a lot and I have no idea why. Every time I ask who is she spending all these late nights with, she just stammers out a half-assed lie and runs off, leaving me to wonder all on my own.

Off the top of my head, I think there's finally a guy in the picture. During that horrible night when I told Jax to leave after I confronted him, I heard someone sneaking into her room. I was going to stay up to listen to what was happening but the fight with Jax worn me out so much that I slept through the whole thing. By the time I woke up the next morning, the stranger was gone.

Honestly, if I'm assuming right, I'm happy that she's finally found someone she can connect with. It's about damn time anyway.

Her obsession with Jax had gone on for far too long.

Speaking of the devil himself, I haven't talked to him in two weeks. It's not all that hard to avoid him really. I have a strong feeling he's doing the same to me.

A little part of me is disappointed; I thought he would fight harder for me after everything that I've told him during our huge fight. I was so confident that he was going to come back begging the next day to be with me again. At least, that was what I had hoped would happen.

Why hasn't he called? Why hasn't he tried to make amends?

Why why why?

I pretend that I don't miss him but I do. So fucking much. So much so to the point that it's difficult to function without him. I hadn't realize how much I had depended on him. He was my crutch; now that he's gone, I can barely make it on my own two feet.

I don't know what to do without him. He's carved himself so deep in my heart that he has become a part of me; take him away from me and I cease to exist.

I need him. I need to see him.

"No, you can't." Braydon pushes me back onto the sofa, her eyes cold as she glares at me.

"Why the fuck not?" I fold my arms over my chest and seethe at her.

"Because it's not good for you!" She exclaims. "Plus, you told me not to let you go if you had any urge to see him. You told me yourself: he has to come to you instead!"

"Well, I've changed my mind!" I whine desperately. "I'm telling you to let me go now!"

"Sienna, no." She says, sighing as she sits on the arm of the couch. Her eyes are now filled with pity when she looks at me. "You can't go back to him. After what he's done to you? All the hurt? The lies? The manipulation?"

"But he's helped me so much!" I cry out. I want to slap myself for defending him, but I just miss him so much. My heart has never stopped aching ever since he left—and I just need the damn ache to stop. "He made me so strong."

"You call this strong?" She gestures to me, her hands wavering about in a suggestive manner. "Look at you, girl! The only thing he's ever done is made you codependent on him. Sure, he's toughened you up. But all that strength he's showed you—it's all tethered to him. And now that he's gone, he's taken all that strength with him. You're an empty shell, Sienna. You're nothing without him."

"I know that! Which is why I need to see him," I say, lunging for the door again. Braydon attempts to grab me by the hand but I deflect her arm just as easily as I'm batting away a piece of cobweb from the wall.

"What is wrong with you?" Braydon storms after me as I'm headed straight for the door. "This is not the Sienna I know! The Sienna I know wouldn't let some guy stomp all over her like that! The Sienna I know would stand her own damn ground, hold two middle fingers in the air and tell any guy who isn't the least bit deserving of her to fuck off!"

I whip around and point an accusing finger straight to her chest, nostrils flaring. "That Sienna is dead. Get used to the new one."

"Oh and who is the new Sienna?" Braydon says, scoffing, her eyebrows arching. "Oh wait, let me guess—the new Sienna is someone who is a pushover. Who runs off to the guy who has betrayed her trust and her love for three whole years. The Sienna who won't listen to her friend's advice even if she knows will benefit her in the goddamned long-run. The Sienna who is stubborn, who only listens to herself and who doesn't care about anyone else except for her and her fucked-up boyfriend."

I stiffen at her words. Does she really think that way about me? I'm half-tempted to tell her that all those things she'd mention aren't me. But how can I deny her words when deep down, I know that in fact, her words are the cold, naked truth?

A long breath escapes from me. My mind is whirling in a hurricane of madness. I can't tell apart right or wrong anymore, sane or insane. All I know is that I need the pain to stop. It has been suffocating me this whole week now; I just want to be able to breathe again. I will not allow myself to become this empty shell like when my parents divorced. I want to be the me when I was with Jax—the Herculean me, the invincible me.

I now understand why Jax had so desperately wanted to be all those things. He needed the pain of his past to disappear, at least momentarily, so he built up his armor so nothing could ever hurt him again. A week ago, I ridiculed him for his actions. Now, all I want to do right now is to follow in his footsteps.

There is only one difference between his and mine; while he could built his armor on his own, I simply can't.

Because he's my armor.

My shield.

My everything.

"Is that Sienna really so bad?" I tell her.

Braydon merely sighs. "You know what?" She says, rubbing her chin, a defeated look already washing over her face. "Do whatever you want, Sienna. You and I both know that no matter what I say, you're still going to go back to him. Even if it ruins you."

I've already set up my mind. I'm going after him. I don't care what anyone else thinks. When he sees me again, I know everything's going to be okay.

"I don't care," I say, turning on my heel and heading for the door. "Let him ruin me."

And with that, I leave.

* *

Two hours later, I come back empty-handed.

I've looked everywhere. I checked his place, Lean Machines and Breaking Point. I've even went back to my place to see if he's waiting for me to come back so that he could apologize to me. To my dismay, he wasn't there either.

Braydon has officially given up on me and left the premises. I feel somewhat guilty that I made her stay all morning for the purpose of not letting me out of the apartment in case I wanted to go after Jax, only to get her really angry with me when I was persistent to leave. She's upset and disappointed with me now—and the long text message that she sent proved just that.

I know you love him, Sienna. But he's toxic for you. I've never seen you like this before, and it scares me. Please, listen to me.

If you haven't already gotten back together with him, I'm telling you to really think this through. Do you want to go through the pain of him keeping secrets from you again? Do you want to live in this bubble of fear, knowing that you have no clue of where he's been or what he's doing?

I know love makes us crazy—it makes everything else feel senseless and it makes us do stupid thingsI've done horrible, unspeakable things to get Trevor back when I feel like he's pulling away from me—things that I'm not proud of. I wish I had someone to tell me not to do those things back then. But I didn't. And here I am now. I don't know what I'm going to do with him. Sometimes, I hate him so much that I wish I never even met him. But I love him too much to let him go. To let him be with other girls, even if I've promised him an open relationship. I want him all to myself, my crazy selfish self, and I'm slowly going insane from all the drama and lethality that is Trevor Hopkins.

Don't make the same mistakes as me. Get out while you can.

Because you of all people know you deserve so much more than Jax 'Deadbeat' Deneris.

x Bray.

I delete the text message and bury my face in my pillow. I will myself to believe that Braydon's wrong. That whatever that's been happening with her and Trevor cannot apply to me and Jax. Every relationship is different—it's just a matter of how to make it work. Clearly, Braydon's doing something wrong with her relationship. That's why their relationship is a time-ticking bomb waiting to explode.

But I can save my relationship. I can. I love Jax too much not to try. Sure, we may have our setbacks—last week's fight just happened to be a really big one—but I'm confident that I can heal this rift between us. We can work through our problems. We'll do therapy if we have to. I can't let this three-year relationship go to waste. If I do, I will feel like a failure.

If I do, I will feel like I'm my parents.

And I will never be my parents. I've made a promise to myself two years ago and I'm not going to break it now. I won't give up on Jax. I'll fight for him until my lungs give out and my breath is stolen away from me. I'll fight for him because it's the only thing I've ever known to do ever since I met him, and I owe it to myself to be the person I've promised him that I would be: a goddamned fighter.

Hours later, my energy is replenished and I'm ready to set out to find Jax again. I bolt out of my bed and as I head over to the kitchen counter to grab my car keys, I hear voices from outside the door. Curiosity getting the better of me, I sneak a peak through the peephole to see what the commotion is all about. At first, I think that the noise is coming from my neighbors, but as my eyes narrow and focus on the two girls in front of me, I'm shocked to find that it's not them at all.

It's Braydon and Beth.

"—Need to tell her!" Braydon screams. "If I didn't catch the both of you—"

"I know!" Beth hisses back. Her top is left unbuttoned and her hair is left unkept—untamed. That's so unlike her at all. I press my ear against the door, straining to hear what they're talking about but I can only make out certain words. "But I can't... you can't either... such a vulnerable state right now—"

"...doesn't make it any less true..."

"...can't stop...!"

They begin yelling at each other again, but their voices overlap too much that I can't tell what their conversation is about. After a while, I give up. This doesn't concern me. I have more pressing matters at hand to deal with.

I grab the car keys and open the door, surprising the both of them.

"S-sienna," Beth says, a surprised smile gracing her lips. "I didn't think you'd be home."

"Yeah well, I'm heading out," I mumble, casting a sharp look at Braydon, who refuses to look my way. She appears very tense and guilty. I ignore her. "To go see Jax."

Braydon tilts her head towards Beth, her eyes narrowing at her. "I think she knows where he is."

"You do?" I stare at my sister, hopeful.

Slowly, she nods. "I...um... r-ran into him on the way back. He's h-heading to Lean Machines."

"Thanks for letting me know," I say, kissing her on the cheek. "You're the best."

Braydon mumbles something under her breath that I can't quite catch.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"Nothing." She quickly waves me off. "Go off and find Jax. It's what the both of you—I mean, you—are good at." Her gaze flickers from Beth to me. My eyebrows arch in confusion, however, I refuse to let the weirdness linger.

But as I walk away from the both of them, I have a harrowing feeling that I'm being kept away from something huge—something so immense that the magnitude of it might just shatter me completely.

* *

I find him at the place Beth said he would be. His favorite place; his very own sanctuary: the gym.

The owner knows me well enough. One brief glance at me and he waves me through. I thank him quietly and head towards the huge boxing ring in the middle, where Jax's vague shadow dances in a blurry haze as he practices his offense techniques. As I inch closer towards him, I am suddenly acutely aware of every cell belonging to my body—the sheen of sweat gliding down the side of my face all the way to my chin, the creases on my tank top, the lightning-paced beating of my heart.

I wish I wasn't this nervous around him. I know I shouldn't be like this; why should a girlfriend be nervous of her boyfriend? That shouldn't be the way it works at all.

Jax is so focused on his training that he doesn't even notice me until I'm right below the ring. Sweat pools behind his murky-white T-shirt and beads of sweat drop down the blonde strands of his hair that fall past his eyes. When his eyes spot me, he stops everything that he's doing. The weight of his stare almost causes me to combust right there and then.

"Princess," he breathes.

Immediately, he stops whatever he's doing—his boxing gloves drop to the ground, his sweat wiped of his brow and next thing I know, he leaps of the boxing ring and he's coming straight for me.

Long, fast strides—ferocious, determined eyes connect with mine. I open my mouth to speak but his huge hands are already cupping my face and he lowers his head to smash his lips with mine.

Oh god.

He sucks the life out of me with that earth-shattering kiss; his lips mashing with mine greedily, as if he can't quite get enough of me. I kiss him back with equal intensity, allowing all of my doubts and worries to fall away from me and disappear.

In that moment, I could care less about all the horrible things he's done. In that moment, all of the lies and the manipulation has ceased to exist. Our ache for one another overpowers everything else, coiling around our beating hearts, stealing all possible rationale away from our minds and laying claim through our entwined bodies.

In that moment, it's just me and him—the worst parts of ourselves exposed for each other to bear. My vulnerable, broken spirit. His invincible, shattered self. Both souls unable to coexist with each other, and at the same time, unable to exist without one another.

He's mine; I'm his; and anyone who tells me that we're wrong for each other can burn in a thousand hells.

Because to me, we're perfect. To me, we're both monsters who thrive on all the appalling means and deplorable things—and if that just so happens to be each other, then so be it. Catastrophe flourishes on the wicked and the vicious—and the apocalyptic, treacherous love we have for each other will just damn this whole world.

"I'm sorry," I blurt out when we part to catch our breaths. I don't even know what I'm sorry for. Did I even do anything wrong? Maybe. I don't know. I don't care as long as I get to fix this. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry too," he murmurs, pressing sweet kisses down my jaw. He doesn't stop—his lips are apologetic, guilt causing his entire body to tremble. "I want to be with you, princess. I do."

I don't know if his words are true. I want to believe that they are, but I'm so delusional that I can't make sense of anything anymore. I look into his beautiful, dark kohl eyes, and I see promises. Promises that I'm unsure he would keep but hoping he will. I'll give him a chance—as many as he wants from me. Because there is no way I'm letting what we have go.

"Tell me you love me," I say as Jax continues peppering kisses everywhere on my face. He nods and as his lips meet my lips once again, I sigh, my shoulders lifted off all of the weight when he repeats the three words over and over again.

"I love you," he rasps against my lips.

"Tell me you won't lie to me."

"I won't lie to you."

More promises.

"Tell me you'll never leave me."

"I'll never leave you."

"Promise me we won't fight again."

"Promise," he says, claiming my lips again. "From now on, we'll be perfect."

Perfect. I like that.

I fall into him and let his beautiful words carry me far, far away, into this surreal utopia that is the just both of us. And as he takes me away, I become lost, lost with him, in him and his demented love and there's no other place I'd rather be—even if there are far worse things that are yet to come.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ T H E E N D ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

A/N: And that officially wraps up Perfect Ruin! Thank you guys so much for being with me throughout this entire journey! I know it has been more than a year since I started this book so thank you for being so patient with me and sticking until the end.

I feel this sense of closure now after finishing Perfect Ruin, because I have told Sienna's story - from the past to the present to the future - and it has finally come full circle for me. I understand her better and because of that, I understand Jax better too.

Throughout writing Perfect Addiction, I struggled to write the character of Jax because I saw him as a malicious evil villain, but since starting Redemption and Ruin, he is by far the most complex character I've ever written about and my favourite character from the series. Which is why it's heartbreaking for me to not only let go of him, but all these characters that I have written since 2015.

I know many of you will be wondering what is next, and I have promised you more, but tbh, I don't know when I can deliver my promises. I think I have grown a lot as a writer since Perfect Illusion and I think I obviously want to write more maturely as well, which means rediscovering my own voice again. I kindly ask for some time while I work on that before putting up more content for you guys.

Thank you for being there for me. You guys are a constant source of support and I love each and every one of you.

The journey isn't over! I have a ton of stories to tell - and tell them I will.

See you soon, my Dia-Hards!

Love, Claudia.